The Bootlegger Blues (3 page)

SCENE 7

It's nighttime and David is jogging with a walkman. He stops to rest. Suddenly Noble appears from behind.

NOBLE:

Yo, bro. (
David doesn't hear
) Yo, bro.

He leans over and taps David on the shoulder.

DAVID:

Ahhhhh!

NOBLE:

Sorry about the scare, guy. You got a light?

DAVID:

Hardly.

NOBLE:

Too bad. Nice outfit. Where'd you get it? Goofs-Are-Us? Christ, I'd be running too if I wore an outfit like that on my reserve.

DAVID:

It's a jogging outfit.

NOBLE:

It's a goof outfit. Hey man, sorry, I didn't mean to make fun of your outfit. Actually I did but sorry anyways.

DAVID:

What are you doing here? I thought the powwow was over.

NOBLE:

The pow's gone so now we're trying for the wow. There's a party down by the camping area. You wanna come to the party? Goof suit and all.

DAVID:

No thank you, but perhaps you can help me. Would you happen to know a gentleman by the name of Noble?

Noble is startled but defensive.

NOBLE:

Nope, never met the man. But whatever he did, I'm sure it was an accident. Gotta be going. Bye.

DAVID:

Wait a minute. (
Pause
) You look like a Noble Savage.

NOBLE:

Why, thank you. I think.

DAVID:

Yeah, you look like the scraggly type she used to hang around with a long time ago. You're this Noble guy, aren't you?

NOBLE:

She? What she?

DAVID:

Marianne.

NOBLE:

You're David? (Looks David up and down) She was right.

DAVID:

What did you and Marianne do this afternoon?

NOBLE:

Talk about déjà vu.

DAVID:

Talk about Marianne.

NOBLE:

No.

They stare at each other, a Mexican standoff.

SCENE 8

Marianne and Andrew are sitting in his bedroom. It's nighttime. They are sitting on the bed staring longingly at the beer.

ANDREW/MARIANNE:

(
Singing
) A hundred forty-three cases of beer on the wall, a hundred forty-three cases of beer …

MARIANNE:

(
Singing
) You take one down, you pass it around …

ANDREW:

Don't even think it!!

MARIANNE:

Come on, Blue. There are 143 cases here, she won't miss one.

ANDREW:

No! I will not be involved in any of your little schemes. You used to always get me in trouble when we were kids. I'm still in the record books as the youngest child ever to be fined by the police. You're 10 years older than me, you should know better.

MARIANNE:

It was just a suggestion.

ANDREW:

Besides, Mom told me she took a polaroid of this wall, she knows where every beer is.

MARIANNE:

She doesn't trust us?

ANDREW:

Marianne, when you were 17 you tried to sell our house for prom money, remember?

MARIANNE:

That was a long time ago.

ANDREW:

And you didn't even have a date.

MARIANNE:

Okay, okay, I get the point.

There's a gentle knocking on the door. It's Martha.

ANDREW:

Mom, you still up?

Martha enters in her nightgown and cap, looking very matronly. She appears worried and sits down. Now all three are looking at the beer.

MARTHA:

I can't sleep. This beer is keeping me up.

MARIANNE:

That's funny. It usually puts me to sleep.

MARTHA:

I've tried to lead a good life, really I have. And this is my thanks. Maybe I should just pack up and move to one of them far-off places like Tahiti.

ANDREW:

Mom, you wouldn't like it down there. No bingo. And I think they're all Protestant.

MARTHA:

Never mind. But I have to do something.

ANDREW:

Why don't you just take the beer back? You have a permit, don't you?

MARTHA:

Of course I have a permit. I'm a law-abiding citizen. That Marjorie filled it out for me. She and that smart-as-a-dead chicken son of hers picked up the beer too. That's where it all started. The two of them took all the stickers off the cases. There's such a thing as being too neat.

ANDREW:

Stickers?

MARIANNE:

Little yellow stickers you need on the case to take it back. No sticker, no returned money.

MARTHA:

I don't believe that woman had the patience to pick off 143 stickers cause they didn't look right. That woman boggles my mind.

ANDREW:

Hey Marianne, how about this? Why don't you bootleg it, Mom?

MARTHA:

What?

MARIANNE:

(
Laughing
) What an idea! Yeah Mom, you could make all your money back for sure and a bit of profit. All the other bootleggers are probably dry after this weekend anyways.

MARTHA:

Bootlegging?

Andrew and Marianne are having a great time joking, but Martha has a serious look on her face. Suddenly there's a knock that turns into pounding at the front door.

MARTHA:

Who could that be at this hour?

MARIANNE:

I'll get it.

ANDREW:

Mom, we'd have to get you a pager like Old Man Johnson.

MARIANNE:

(
As she's leaving
) And an answering machine.

ANDREW:

For sure. Just think, Mom, you could have all that beer gone, a fortune in money, and the committee will love you. Mom! Bootlegging!

They both laugh, Marianne from the kitchen. The pounding gets louder, annoying Marianne.

MARIANNE:

Hold your horses or I'll shove them down your throat.

Andrew is still chuckling to himself, unaware of Martha's deep thought.

MARTHA:

Hmmm, bootlegging.

Marianne opens the door to find Noble, completely drunk.

MARIANNE:

Noble? What are you doing here? Do you know what time it is?

NOBLE:

(Smiling) Goof alert. Goof alert.

He falls forward, passed out, onto the floor. The lights go down.

END OF ACT I

ACT II

 

SCENE 1

Angie is standing in Martha's kitchen. It is early morning and she has a cup of coffee in her hand. The noise of hammering can be heard coming from just outside the house. Off in the corner is a guitar case. On the table is an open bag of potato chips.

ANGIE:

So beautiful out there, (Looks toward Andrew's bedroom) so beautiful in there. So close, yet so far.

Marianne's booming voice can suddenly be heard.

MARIANNE:

Answer the door. (
The hammering continues
) I said answer the door.

Marianne lumbers into sight, and groggily goes toward the door.

ANGIE:

That was hammering.

MARIANNE:

Hammering?

ANGIE:

Yeah, Sleeping Beauty.

MARIANNE:

(
Crossly
) Die.

Marianne lumbers over to the coffee machine and fills two cups.

ANGIE:

No thanks, I have some.

MARIANNE:

Who cares? Why are you here anyways?

ANGIE:

I'm here for breakfast.

Andrew walks on stage to the refrigerator, also half-asleep. He is dressed only in his camouflage-colored underwear. Without noticing Angie or Marianne, he drinks from a carton of milk. Angie watches him with an appreciative eye.

ANGIE:

Nice camouflage, what are you trying to hide?

Andrew is startled. He looks at Angie, then at his near nudity. He tries to cover himself with a dish towel.

ANDREW:

What are you doing here?

ANGIE:

Having a cup of coffee and …

Angie grabs the dish towel.

ANGIE:

… enjoying the view.

ANDREW:

Hey, give that back!

They end up having a tug of war with the dish towel. Marianne barely notices, more intent on staring into her two cups of coffee.

ANGIE:

Come on, don't be bashful, soldier, show me your weapons.

ANDREW:

I don't show my weapons to relative strangers.

ANGIE:

Well, who do you show them to?

ANDREW:

You're missing the point, cousin.

ANGIE:

Cousin?!

Andrew makes a run for his bedroom.

ANDREW:

(
Yelling
) Yeah, cousin.

ANGIE:

Marianne, I have a problem.

MARIANNE:

You're 22, single, and thin. Unless you've gotten something terminal, I don't want to hear it.

Angie casts a longing look in Andrew's direction.

ANGIE:

What a waste.

MARIANNE:

You got the hots for him or something?

ANGIE:

It shows?

MARIANNE:

Any more obvious and I'd be hosing you down.

ANGIE:

Everybody I meet on this stupid reserve is my cousin.

MARIANNE:

What's your problem?

ANGIE:

Well for one thing, he isn't six foot four. Hell, I'm almost as tall as him, and you've got bigger biceps. And I sure as hell can't find out about the rest of him now. I had my future husband pegged as some tall blond god with more money than brains. What have I got? A pint-sized Dick Tracy, not even a real cop, a
special constable
. What's a special constable you may ask? I have no idea, I think that means they can shoot unarmed ducks.

MARIANNE:

Well, a real cop arrests people, then has a donut. A special constable warns people, then has Bannock.

ANGIE:

And the thing that really pisses me off, and I do mean royally, is the only Indian I've ever been attracted to, and lord knows I've been hit on by quite a few, happens to be my cousin.

MARIANNE:

Did I doze off? I thought you liked my brother?

ANGIE:

I could just die.

MARIANNE:

Don't tell me it's Michael at the clinic? That man would bang a moose if he was taller.

ANGIE:

(
Confused
) What?

MARIANNE:

Listen, for the last 10 years I've been living with a man whose idea of foreplay is stroking the band council. What do I have to show for it? A brand new Volkswagen Passat with every conceivable option in the universe. Three bathrooms — there are only two of us—go figure it. And a satellite dish that brings in 416 stations worldwide. Who cares about the top 10 shows in Bulgaria? I got everything I ever wanted … except the David I fell in love with.

ANGIE:

Well, David does try to help you. He's always concerned about what you do and where you are, that must count for something? And didn't he put the two of you on a diet?

MARIANNE:

Have a potato chip. Angie, don't make the same mistakes I did.

ANGIE:

I haven't had a date in five months. I don't need this kind of advice.

MARIANNE:

You remind me so much of myself when I was your age.

ANGIE:

(
Concerned
) What happened?

MARIANNE:

I thought it was time to settle down. If I settle down any further I'll be in China.

ANGIE:

Oh Marianne, you're still young, sort of. Maybe all David needs is a good kick in the behind. We all need that sometimes.

MARIANNE:

Oh I've thought of kicking him, not in the behind, mind you. Men! God must have one hell of a sense of humor. Anyways, what was all that about cousins? I was sort of fuzzy in the middle.

ANGIE:

Didn't you hear him? Andrew is my cousin!.

MARIANNE:

Of for the love of … Yes you're cousins, cousins by marriage. You see, my uncle on my grandmother's side used to be married to ...

ANGIE:

By marriage? That makes it okay?

MARIANNE:

MARIANNE: Yeah yeah, what are you waiting for? Sic'em.

Marianne points to Andrew's room.

MARIANNE:

Just listen for him mumbling something about room numbers I think. All night it was 34B and 34C.

Angie goes to his door and knocks gently.

ANGIE:

Hello, Blue.

ANDREW:

There's no one in here but us cousins.

Angie slowly opens the door and enters Andrew's bedroom. Andrew is getting dressed.

ANGIE:

(
Noticing the beer
) Wha?!

ANDREW:

Good choice of words.

Angie looks at the beer, then at Andrew, then back to the beer.

ANGIE:

Decisions, decisions.

Andrew notices her eyeing the beer.

ANDREW:

Uh uh.

ANGIE:

No?

ANDREW:

My mother gently warned me not to touch the beer or I won't be able to have any children.

ANGIE:

Aren't you a pretty sight in the morning?

ANDREW:

I didn't sleep well.

ANGIE:

Why didn't you try counting sheep?

ANDREW:

I tried that. But after the first few sheep jump over that stupid fence, they start turning into beer cases. Then I see hundreds of beer cases jumping over that same fence, all crying "beeeer, beeeer, beeeer."

ANGIE:

I'll say this, it sure does look good and appetizing.

Andrew's eyes wander over Angie.

ANDREW:

You can say that again.

ANGIE:

And you can't touch it.

ANDREW:

I know.

ANGIE:

I bet you'd love to just dive right in.

Andrew is practically drooling.

ANDREW:

Is it getting hot in here or something?

Angie moves in toward him slowly, her purpose dear. She puts a hand softly on his cheek and draws him toward her.

ANDREW:

Angie, we're related!

ANGIE:

By marriage.

ANDREW:

Marriage?

ANGIE:

Uh huh.

ANDREW:

That means …

ANGIE:

Uh huh. And your mother probably won't be home for quite some time.

ANDREW:

Mom always was good to me.

Marianne is in the kitchen lazily chomping on potato chips. David is at the door watching her. He's soaking wet and dirty.

DAVID:

How about some breakfast?

Marianne holds up the potato chips.

MARIANNE:

Pretend these are homefries.

DAVID:

I remember when we used to have nice big breakfasts. Eggs, bacon, sausages, potatoes, toast. Whatever happened to them?

MARIANNE:

Hey, you wanna be Mr. Fitness or you want a button-popping breakfast?

DAVID:

I want both.

MARIANNE:

You can't have both.

DAVID:

Maybe I'd just like to try and break even.

MARIANNE:

There's more to life than breaking even. (
Pause
) I'm leaving you, David.

DAVID:

Oh.

MARIANNE:

I was wondering how you'd take it.

DAVID:

No reason why I should rant and rave.

MARIANNE:

I used to like that in you, the way you could rationalize everything. Other people would be arguing and carrying on, but not you. You'd be telling me about some new things you learned in school. It was sort of an anchor for me, back in my wilder days. But it wasn't an anchor, it was a mooring post. If you're tied up all the time, you never get to go anywhere. Well, this girl is out of the marina.

She gets up, ready to face the music and her decision. Then she sees David fully for the first time.

MARIANNE:

What happened? You look terrible. Calvin Klein die? My god, David, you're wet!

DAVID:

Thank you, I missed that. I met Mr. Noble last night.

MARIANNE:

David, I really don't want to … (She sees something outside) David? Whose car is that in the driveway?

DAVID:

Ours.

MARIANNE:

I can see the trail of mud from the car to the door. Where's our Passat?

DAVID:

Answer me this, Marianne. Are you planning to run off with this unemployed feather jumper and leave me here after 10 years? Yesterday I might have laid right down and let you walk all over me, but not today. Your behavior is outrageous, unacceptable, and I demand an explanation.

MARIANNE:

Would you like a type-written report?

DAVID:

We can't afford another typewriter.

MARIANNE:

You're such a clerk!

DAVID:

I am not a clerk.

MARIANNE:

Yes you are, and so am I. Oh David, between the two of us we push more paper than lumberjacks.

DAVID:

Oh, living out of a van is better?

MARIANNE:

Maybe not better but it's a living.

DAVID:

Is he still here? Your Noble Savage is hiding here somewhere, isn't he? Drag him out this moment. Come on, Marianne, I know he's in this house.

MARIANNE:

Oh forget about it, David. Noble was just a flash from the past. The man is long gone. History.

A groan is heard, and Noble stumbles into view, suffering from the hangover from hell.

DAVID:

History repeats itself.

NOBLE:

Where do I pay my fine?

MARIANNE:

(
To Noble
) Why aren't you gone yet? (
To David
) He showed up last night drunk. We put him in the spare bedroom to sleep it off. He said he'd be long gone by dawn on a convoy to Michigan. Honest! Why aren't you gone yet?

NOBLE:

I'm history. Which way is north?

DAVID:

That way.

MARIANNE:

You still look a little rough.

NOBLE:

Which way?

DAVID:

That way.

MARIANNE:

But there's no road in that direction, just bush.

NOBLE:

How about east?

MARIANNE:

David, he's in no shape to travel.

Noble starts to feel sick.

NOBLE:

(
Looking around
) The can?

DAVID/MARIANNE:

(Quickly) West.

Noble shuffles toward the bathroom.

Back in his bedroom, Andrew sits up, alarmed.

ANDREW:

She's doing what?!

They jump out of bed.

NOBLE:

(
Leans against a wall for support
) Whoa … how'd you get this rippling effect?

MARIANNE:

Yo, Weekend Warrior, could you use some nice fried eggs?

This is too much for Noble's delicate condition. He races for the bathroom as she begins frying eggs. Andrew and Angie run past Noble causing him to spin.

ANGIE:

Hey, it's nice buns.

ANDREW:

Emergency. (
To Angie
) Go ahead, tell her.

ANGIE:

Tell her what?

ANDREW:

The signs

ANGIE:

Oh. Your mother is putting signs up all over the reserve offering to sell beer to people.

Noble sticks his head out of the bathroom, hearing the magic words.

NOBLE:

There's beer here?

David threatens Noble, who disappears again.

ANDREW:

Out of this house. With this phone number. This unlisted phone number.

MARIANNE:

Mom?!

Marianne starts laughing at the absurdity of it all.

DAVID:

Martha is selling beer?

ANDREW:

Bootlegging.

DAVID:

Oh my god, no.

ANDREW:

(
To Marianne
) Will you snap out of it.

DAVID:

I wondered about the sign out front. I just glanced at it. I thought it was for a rummage sale.

ANDREW:

Marianne! I'm in law enforcement. I can't have Mother bootlegging.

Angie notices the water on the floor from David's soaked clothes.

ANGIE:

Why is the floor wet?

ANDREW:

Marianne! Are you going to help or not?

Marianne is still laughing.

DAVID:

(
To Angie
) You don't want to know.

ANDREW:

Fine then. I'll do it myself. As a soon-to-be special constable I will take the law into my own hands and do my best to save our asses. Angie, let's go.

ANGIE:

Where are we going?

Andrew drags her out the door.