The woman nodded and even attempted a smile.
I won’t be here again
, thought Tina, and it was the closest thing she could get to a vow to change things.
I won’t be here ever again
.
The woman handed Tina two cups of hot chocolate and a bag filled with five doughnuts.
Serendipity
, thought Tina.
That’s what this is
.
Lockie ate four doughnuts. They were cold and slighty stale but neither of them cared. The hot chocolate was tongue-scaldingly hot with a slightly tinny taste. Tina blew on her cup theatrically so Lockie would do the same. It warmed them up and they sat for a few minutes in the sticky heat of the doughnut shop.
Tina felt like she could put her head down on the table and sleep forever. Lockie was watching the people walk by. He was quiet. Back in his own world, trying to make sense of things.
And then they were on the train to Central. Lockie watched the day form. There were no seats but Tina was happy to stand. She was carrying her backpack and her sleeping bag in case they got cold. She had left her books behind. Maybe the boys would read them but they were more likely to be used to make a fire.
She left them with a note for Mark and the boys:
Thanks. Love, Tina
. What else was there to say?
It took ten minutes of wandering through Central Station to find the right platform. Tina asked everyone she saw if she was in the right place. Lockie held on to her arm.
People were helpful. They smiled. They didn’t know who she was. She might look like a young mother with her son. Away from the Cross she could be anybody. Anyone at all.
Finally they were on the train to Cootamundra. The blue fabric seats felt luxurious compared to other trains Tina had travelled on. The window was branded by the small handprint of another child on another journey. Lockie put his hand up to the smudged print comparing size and shape.
‘Homeward bound, Lockie,’ said Tina, feeling her heart lift with the miracle of having achieved it.
Lockie gave her one of his small smiles. ‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘Homeward bound.’
Tina and Lockie both fell asleep as soon as the train started moving. It had been a very long couple of days.
Tina’s sleep betrayed her. She was sucked into a dream she was too exhausted to escape.
The uniform chased her with a poker and Jack told her there wasn’t anything she could do. Lockie was on the rollercoaster at the Easter Show. He went faster and faster. The ride was out of control and Tina was still trying to dodge the uniform with the poker. Lockie’s face became Tim’s face and her mother told her that she didn’t know how hard it had been. The uniform and her mother were kissing and Tina’s mouth was a silent scream.
She woke up when the uniform climbed onto the rollercoaster with giant spider legs to get to Lockie and she found herself glued to the ground.
She jerked upright and looked around the carriage.
Don’t have to be too smart to work that one out
, she thought.
Her head was filled with the bizarre images and she tried to clear them away by rubbing her eyes. You couldn’t control your dreams no matter how hard you tried.
Lockie was awake and staring out the window. He was mouthing something to himself.
Tina leaned over to him and heard the whispered words, ‘Homeward bound, homeward bound.’
Tina squeezed his shoulder. He turned to her and gave her a medium-sized smile.
Look how far we’ve come
, she thought.
It was only then that she noticed the man sitting opposite them. He was large, with tightly curled black hair. He was sweating slightly in the warm carriage. He smiled and nodded at Tina.
‘Your boy is beautiful.’
‘Ah, thanks,’ said Tina.
She felt her heart jump. Everything clicked sharply into focus. The patterned seats and smudged windows stood out while she felt her heart speed up. Who was he and why was he looking at Lockie?
Nowhere was safe. Nowhere.
Tina sat up straighter, tried to appear taller.
Nothing much could happen on a train to the country, could it? It was hard to imagine being faced with someone who wasn’t a threat, who had no agenda and no motivation to speak to her other than simply to make contact with someone else. But the man’s body was relaxed. He was just making conversation. Wasn’t he?
‘Thanks,’ said Tina again, with a smile. Keep your friends close and all that.
Tina’s phone told her they had been asleep for an hour. They had four hours to go. It seemed like a lifetime. There was nothing to do but stare out of the window.
The rhythm of the train was soothing and Tina felt her heartbeat slow down a little and take up the noise of the train. The man’s arms were lying at his side. No signs of aggression. He was humming to himself and staring out of the window.
‘Homeward bound, homeward bound,’ sang Lockie softly in time to the clicks of the train on the tracks.
The trees and fields flashed by and Tina felt her mind clear of everything except Lockie’s whispered singing.
She felt her muscles release as she relaxed. She was exhausted but she felt something else as well. She felt peaceful.
There was nowhere she could go right now and nothing she could do. For the next four hours she was trapped on this train. She did not have to find work and she did not have to find food. She did not have to keep herself from harm and she did not have to keep Lockie from harm. For the next four hours she could stop running and thinking about what to do next. It was a small space that had opened up after two years alone and two days with Lockie. She could not control the train and they were safe from the weather. There was no way they could be kicked off the train either. The tickets were tucked in her purse. They were safe. It was an odd feeling. Enclosed in the moving box, she was finally safe. It was a giddy feeling.
Lockie turned from the window and looked around the carriage. ‘I’m hungry.’
‘You always are,’ Tina whispered to him, conscious of the smiling man sitting opposite.
He was beginning to give Tina the creeps. It was the way he smiled. He was not a threat—Tina was almost sure of it—but there was something else about him. Ruby used to divide the men into groups: fat ones, skinny ones, ones with mummy issues, ones with daddy issues, ones with ego problems, ones who were a little too into the idea of her being young. Tina didn’t go for the grouping thing. She made their faces blank. Once she was done they didn’t exist anymore. She wished them off the planet. What group did the man opposite her fall into? Or was he just a man getting through the day?
It took a lot of work to be suspicious of everyone you met. She was supposed to be safe here on this train.
Tina looked up and down the carriage. She and Lockie weren’t exactly alone. There were two women who looked like they’d been to Sydney to do some serious shopping. They were surrounded by bags and they were constantly taking stuff in and out of the bags to compare and admire.
A boy of about seventeen was working on a laptop and plugged into his iPod. He was skinny but he looked pretty tall. He could probably help her fend the man off if needs be.
‘I’m hungry,’ said Lockie again.
‘We have to save the food for a little bit. One more hour and you can have another sandwich. I promise.’
There was actually only one sandwich left. Tina knew there was no way it would satisfy Lockie, but if he could hold out for an hour then he could probably make it the rest of the way on one sandwich. She could go the rest of the day and maybe even another day without food. It wouldn’t be the first time. But whatever hunger she had ever felt it was nothing compared to the hunger that Lockie must have endured. He needed to eat. He was feeding more than just his body.
Lockie’s hunger was catching. Tina had never really cared about where her next meal was coming from but Lockie’s desperation about food was becoming part of her as well.
Not long now
, she comforted herself. Lockie would be back home soon and then she would . . . Then she would what? She wasn’t going back to the Cross but where was she going to go?
She could go to TAFE and do her HSC. She could start over, become someone else. It was possible but somehow not probable. You needed a place to live if you went to school, and you needed money. She could find some crappy job but she would have to work and go to school and the very thought of trying to do both was too much to seriously consider.
She sighed and looked out the window. She would worry about it all after Lockie was home. For now she would think of nothing but the fields and the rhythm of the train. That was enough.
The man opposite them filled a double seat. His flesh spread itself out, taking up the space. He smelled of something spicy and sweet at the same time. He looked like someone’s fat uncle. He looked harmless but he was still looking at Lockie and Tina became aware of a feeling in the pit of her stomach.
Tina folded her arms and compressed her lips.
Just don’t try one fucking thing, mister
. In her mind she saw her hands on the poker.
She looked at Lockie. He was kneading his stomach, pushing the hunger away. It must have been something he had learned to do.
She felt bad for Lockie but he could deal. He’d had months of practice. Tina knew the ache he felt now was the ache of a body that was being regularly fed. It was a good ache, and she was sure that on some level Lockie understood that. There was nothing she could do about it either. He had eaten enough for breakfast. He would survive for one more hour.
The man opened a leather bag at his feet and took out what looked like a foot-long sandwich. It emerged like the hatstand from Mary Poppins’ bag.
Tim had loved that movie. Even when he had the choice of the new cartoons with the sophisticated graphics he still made Tina watch
Mary Poppins
over and over. He liked the part where they floated up to the ceiling because they were laughing so much.
One day I’m going to fly, Tina. Maybe I’ll be a pilot or I could fly on one of those things that look like wings—what are they?
You mean a hang-glider?
Yeah, a hang-glider—and then I’m going to fly everywhere. I’m gonna be like a bird.
Oh yeah? Will you wave to me when you fly over our house?
Yeah, but you have to stand and wait till you see me, Tina.
You have to stand in the backyard and wait.
Okay, little man, I’ll wait for you.
Yeah, you’ll wait until I fly over your head.
Yes, Tim, I’ll wait.
The man took a serviette out of his bag and laid it on his lap. Then he balanced the sandwich on his lap and, with great care, unwrapped it.
Lockie and Tina stared and then Tina shoved Lockie a little. ‘Look out the window, you might see a cow or something.’
Lockie swallowed hard and did as he was told.
‘I’ve seen cows,’ he said.
‘Where have you seen a cow?’
‘Duh, my dad has a farm. We have sheep but Mum has some cows for milk.’
‘For real?’
‘For real.’
‘What else have you got?’
‘You know, farm stuff,’ said Lockie dismissively.
‘Well what’s that then?’
‘Haven’t you ever been on a farm?’
‘Nah, I’ve never been anywhere really. We used to go on holiday to the beach but I’ve never actually been on a farm.’
‘So, what? Do you, like, think milk comes from the supermarket?’
‘I’m not stupid, Lockie.’
‘Didn’t say you were. When we get home I’ll show you how to milk a cow.’
‘Okay.’
‘Okay.’
Tina smiled to herself. For the first time since she had met him Lockie sounded like a nine-year-old boy. It was good to hear. She didn’t kid herself that anything had really changed. The nine-year-old boy inside Lockie would have a lot of fighting to do to get out, but at least he was still in there.
Tina looked back at the man. He was cutting up the sandwich. He had a long sharp black-handled knife. No security on country trains then.
She felt her eyes follow the knife back and forth. He was just a man on a train cutting up a sandwich, but who was he really? What might he do with that knife?
Lockie was watching the knife as well. His hand found its way into Tina’s. She gave it a squeeze.
Tina looked around for the quickest way out of the carriage. The man was huge; he wouldn’t be able to move very fast.
The sandwich was filled with roasted vegetables. The eggplant glistened with oil. Tina could make out slices of capsicum and pieces of meatball as well. The tangy smell of vinegar filled the air. The bread looked crisp on the outside but soft and chewy inside.
She looked back out the window. The sooner the man was finished with the sandwich, the better. The sooner he put away the knife the sooner she could relax again. He really needed to put away the knife.
‘On Tuesdays,’ said Lockie to the passing fields, ‘on Tuesdays we have spaghetti and meatballs. My mum makes the best spaghetti. I put cheese on top of mine but Sammy doesn’t like cheese.’
‘How old is Sammy?’
‘She’s . . . well if I’m nine now she’s six. Her birthday is the twelfth of May.’
‘Oh.’
‘She wanted a Barbie house for her birthday. I hope she got it.’
‘I’m sure she did, Lockie,’ said Tina, giving the man a quick glance.
He was carefully sawing through the different layers of sandwich.
‘Not long now, kid,’ said Tina when she caught Lockie looking again. He nodded and turned back to the window.
Not long until you can eat whenever you want.
Not long until your parents will keep you safe from strangers.
Not long until this is all over.
They both focused on the passing fields.
‘It’s really green now,’ said Lockie.
‘What, you mean the land?’
‘Yeah. Last year it was all brown but now the rains have come. Dad’s been waiting for the rains. Everyone has.’