The Boyfriend of the Month Club (25 page)

After a few seconds, Ellen looked up, sensed that something unpleasant was going on, and plastered a smile on her face. “Whatever Grace said, she’s right.”

Whatever Grace said
? Obviously Ellen had been too preoccupied putting data into her computer to follow the conversation, but her decree mollified the women into silencing their objections.

“Thank you for your cooperation,” Grace said. “It’s just that—”

“
Yes, yes
, we get it. Now tell us about your boyfriend. Or sit down and let someone else have a turn,” said a woman with short blond hair and glasses.

Grace stared at the woman. Of all the rude . . .

“I don’t actually have a boyfriend, not at the moment. At least, I don’t think of him as my boyfriend. We’ve just started seeing each other and—”

“Are you going to stand there and blabber all night or are you going to get to the point?” someone shouted. Grace thought she recognized the voice, although she couldn’t be sure. Where was all this sudden animosity coming from? It couldn’t all stem from her no-alcohol announcement, could it?

“All right, his name is Joe Rosenblum. He’s . . . well, he’s pretty terrific.”

This was met with disbelieving laughter.

“Grace is in what I like to refer to as the ‘honeymoon’ phase of the relationship,” Ellen explained to the crowd. “It’s normal at this point to be unrealistically infatuated.”

Unrealistically infatuated
? Grace tried to keep her voice steady. “I know what you’re all thinking. But the fact is, he’s handsome, and kind, and funny, and smart and—”

“Boy, do you have it bad,” someone yelled.

“This is actually quite good,” said Ellen. “Remember, the purpose of the club isn’t to bash the men we’ve dated; it’s to provide reviews so that we can all benefit from each other’s experiences. Let’s say, a few months from now Grace and Joe are broken up and one of you decides to go out with him. It will be nice to know that he’s a decent guy. Unless of course, Grace needs to amend his file. Okay, let’s have some stats.”

“I can provide those,” came the familiar unwelcome voice. Grace recognized it now. She searched the group until she spotted the face she was looking for. It was Melanie, the Nazi receptionist from Sunshine Smiles.

“Melanie, what are you doing here?” Grace asked.

21

Vanity Working on a Weak Head Produces Every Sort of Disaster

“Joining the club, of course,” said Melanie, her Angelina Jolie lips looking moist and pouty. It
had
to be collagen implants. No one looked that good while they were scowling. Except maybe Angelina Jolie. Grace tried to think of a reason to refuse Melanie membership, but there wasn’t any except for the fact that Grace didn’t like her.

“May I go on?” Melanie asked.

The women all turned in their seats to hear Grace’s response.

“By all means,” Grace said. She grit her teeth and tried for a smile.

“Where was I? Joe is thirty-two, six foot two and a half, never been married, has light brown hair . . . only the brown is an illusion. When he’s outside and it catches the sun, you see all these streaks of blond that really bring out his blue eyes. And he has a beautiful smile. Did I already tell you he’s a dentist? When he smiles these absolutely gorgeous dimples pop out on his lower cheeks. He’s a fabulous sportsman. He plays rugby. I believe his position is loose head prop. Or maybe it’s tight head prop. I get those two confused.” Melanie giggled like a little girl. “I’ve seen him play several times but I have to confess I’m not too sure what goes on other than a lot of running and bashing into one other!”

Six foot two and a half?
A half?
What had Melanie done? Measured him? And when had Melanie seen Joe play rugby? Grace had no clue what position Joe played, let alone what a loose head prop or a tight head prop was.

“Is there anything you’d like to add to that, Grace?” Ellen asked.

“Yeah, tell us more about Mr. Perfect,” said a woman to Grace’s right. This remark produced a few snickers.

“I never said he was perfect,” Grace said. “Joe has his faults too.”

Ellen began fiddling with her computer again. “Like what?”

“Like . . . you know, he snores, stuff like that.”

Melanie gasped.

Sarah gave her a
what the hell?
kind of look.

Grace could only shrug helplessly.

“Snoring is more a personal habit than a characteristic,” Ellen said, “and frankly, we’d probably have to put it down for the majority of men, so we’ll ignore that one.”

Grace had to admit to being more than just a little peeved right now. Why had she let herself be manipulated into reviewing Joe? And why had she felt the urge to one-up Melanie with the sort of detail about Joe that could only mean Grace had slept with him?

“Handsome, kind, funny, smart,” Ellen said, oblivious to anything other than collecting data for her boyfriend project. “I’m afraid you’re going to have to provide more information, Grace, because right now the man is coming out to be a mix between Brad Pitt and the Pope.”

This produced a round of laughter. Grace could feel her face go hot.

“You want more information? Okay, here goes. Joe graduated summa cum laude from dental school, then joined the Peace Corps, where he was stationed in Guatemala. After providing dental care to the poor, he spent a year traveling the world. As Melanie has already said, he’s an excellent sportsman,
and
, he cooked Thanksgiving dinner for his mother.” Grace wanted to shout “Top that, Herr Melanie!” Only everything Grace had just told the group except for the part about Joe cooking Thanksgiving dinner could be gotten off Dr. Fred’s letter, so it couldn’t really be deemed personal.

“Too. Good. To. Be. True.” Ellen said, typing away again. She paused, then looked up at Grace in concern. “Oh, no, it’s just as I suspected. He’s a Wickham.”

“A what?”

“He’s George Wickham, the villain from
Pride and Prejudice
.”

The women began murmuring in agreement.

“No, he’s not!”

If Ellen started quoting
Pride and Prejudice
, Grace wouldn’t be responsible for what happened next.

“Grace,” Ellen said gently, “don’t you remember telling us he tried to pick you up at the Wobbly Duck? Only to pretend that he’d never seen you before when you went to his office practically the very next day? You yourself even said he was some kind of actor. I know you don’t want to hear this, but what’s the purpose of the club if we can’t be honest? The signs are all there. On the surface, this guy seems perfect. Yet we know for a fact that he’s capable of deceit. He’s hiding something. The fact that he’s overcompensated by all his other achievements means that whatever he’s hiding is probably something pretty big.”

Grace was too stunned to respond.

“In my experience these kind of guys are usually good for a couple of months, tops. Then the horns come out,” said Janine.

“‘Mr. Wickham is blessed with such happy manners as may ensure his making friends—whether he may be equally capable of retaining them, is less certain.’
Pride and Prejudice
,” Ellen said, “in case anyone here doesn’t recognize the quote.”

Argh!
Grace struggled to hold
Mal Genio
back. Any second now she was going to march over and whack Ellen over the head with that blasted computer of hers.

“Maybe Melanie can tell us more about him,” another woman said. “Give us a different insight.”

“Good idea,” Ellen said. “So, Melanie, what exactly is your relationship with this man?”

“First off, I have to say I completely disagree with the Mr. Wickham characterization. Joe is a wonderful man,” said Melanie.

Grace felt a moment’s vindication. Maybe Melanie wasn’t so bad after all.

“Technically, he’s my boss. So initially we decided to keep it on a strictly friends level. Going out for coffee, a casual lunch, that sort of thing.”

Ellen’s gaze shot to Grace. It was almost the exact same phrase Grace had used at one time to describe her relationship with Joe.

“Maybe we’ve heard enough,” Ellen said. “Thank you, Melanie, now—”

“Being that he’s my boss, it’s been a dilemma for sure,” Melanie continued. “He’s been dropping some pretty big hints about me leaving my job because I’m pretty sure he wants to bring the relationship up to the next level. Things have gotten kind of heated around the office, if you know what I mean. Of course,” she gave Grace a pointed look, “I’m not the type to kiss and tell.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Grace demanded.

Ellen started fluttering around in her chair like a bird with a broken wing. “Okay, I think that about wraps it up!”

“But I’m not finished,” Melanie whined.

“I’m sorry, but we’ve already spent enough time on this guy,” said Ellen. She threw Grace an apologetic look.

Sarah tugged on Grace’s elbow. “Sit down,” she whispered. “By arguing with Melanie, you’re only making it worse.”

Sarah was right, of course. Grace would deal with Melanie
and
Ellen later. In private. She slumped down in her seat.

Ellen looked relieved that there wasn’t going to be a catfight. “I’m happy to report that besides the reviews we’ve done live during our meetings, we’ve had several members take the initiative and post their own reviews, bringing us to a whopping total of twenty-three.”

The women all clapped at this good news. Except for Grace, who was still too mad to do much of anything except sit and fume.

“Which brings me to our next order of business. As you can see, our club is growing by leaps and bounds, and we’ve simply outgrown our current location. So next month, we’ll be meeting somewhere new. Does anyone have any suggestions on where we should go?”

Grace had a suggestion as to where Ellen should go, but she’d keep it to herself for now.

A woman a few seats away from Grace raised her hand. “How about using a conference room at The Continental? That’s the new high-rise hotel on the beach. My company had its annual business retreat there last week. Of course, they might charge us a fee, but maybe not if we had bar service.” This last part was met with a large murmur of agreement from the crowd. “And there’s a band every weekend night in the lounge, so it’s perfect for those of us who want to socialize afterward.”

“Excellent idea!” Ellen said. “Can I see a show of hands if you agree with moving the club meetings to The Continental?”

Grace was the first to shoot her arm up in the air. The rest of the room followed suit.

“It’s unanimous then,” Ellen said, beaming. “All righty, let’s help fold up chairs and get this place back in order, then it’s on to Coco’s!”

Grace made sure she grabbed Ellen before she got out the door. “Ellen, can I talk to you?”

“Grace, isn’t it fantastic? Now we can really grow the club! A conference room is just what we need. Do you think they have mics?”

“Ellen, how could you tell everyone about my meeting Joe at the Wobbly Duck? That was told to you in confidence!”

“No, it wasn’t. I distinctly remember, we were at lunch at Luigi’s and—”

“That’s right, Ellen, we were at Luigi’s. Just the four of us. I told my
friends
, not a bunch of strangers I’ve never met before.”

Ellen considered this a moment. “I’m sorry. I can understand why you’d be upset about this. I tried to shut Melanie up because I could tell she was hurting your feelings. But don’t you see? It only goes to prove how much of a discrepancy there is between our perceptions and reality. It’s why we need this boyfriend club! Before you started getting emotionally involved with this guy, you saw there was something not right with him. But
now
? You should hear yourself, Grace! It’s like he’s some kind of saint.”

Grace tried to think of something to defend herself with, but the irony was that Ellen actually had a point. Grace was beginning to sound exactly like Melanie and Tiffany.

“I only pointed out the obvious for your own good. Don’t you remember how you felt after that first date with Brandon? You were so hurt. And with good reason! But then you saw another side of Brandon and found out he wasn’t so bad. He might even be your—”

“If you tell me that Brandon is my Mr. Darcy one more time, I’m going to scream.”

Ellen sniffed. “Grace, you know as well as I do that there’s a flip side to every coin. You just haven’t seen Joe’s flip side yet, or rather
you have
, but you’ve chosen to ignore it. I hope I’m wrong. I hope he’s not a Wickham. But it wouldn’t be right for me to have this kind of information and not share it with someone I happen to care about a great deal. What kind of friend would I be then?”

How could Grace argue with that? Ellen was doing what she thought was right. She was looking out for Grace’s best interests. Which was more than Grace had done for Sarah . . .

“Okay, I get it. But for the record, I think you’re wrong about Joe. And in the future, I would appreciate it if what I say to you outside this club stays outside this club.”

They gave each other a hug, then Ellen scurried away to round up a group for Coco’s.

Joe wasn’t a Wickham. He just couldn’t be. Speaking of which, there he was at the entrance to the store, looking bewildered. Women were going out of their way to walk around him like he was some sort of germ. Being ignored by this many women was probably Joe’s equivalent of
The Twilight Zone
.

Had he run into Melanie on her way out? Melanie had been one of the first women to leave, probably because she didn’t want to speak to Grace, so maybe they’d managed to miss each other. Should she tell Joe what Melanie had said in tonight’s meeting?

She snuck up behind him and tapped him on the shoulder. “Looking for someone?”

Grace got a kick out of seeing his reaction to her outfit. “Nice dress.”

“Glad you remembered it. Although it’s not the same one, actually.”

She introduced Joe to Penny and he and Sarah made some friendly small talk as the four of them finished putting up the chairs left behind. Despite Ellen’s announcement asking the members to clean up, the place had been left a mess.