The Boyfriend of the Month Club (43 page)

“That’s what love does to you,” Abuela sighed.

“Yeah, but I’ve had this happen before and I’ve always bounced back.”

Abuela took off her sewing glasses. “Gracielita, how long have you and this man been broken up?”

“A month.”

“Practically a lifetime!” She scowled. “A month is nothing. And if you’ve really gotten over your other big love affairs so quickly, then maybe that ought to tell you something.”

“What do you mean?”

“The St. Valentine’s Day Curse. Bah! What it is really, Gracielita? I’ll tell you what it is. It’s an excuse you’ve made up in that tomato head of yours filled with the seeds.”

Abuela had been right about more than one thing. Grace had never had her heart broken before. Not like this. It had never occurred to her, but the truth was,
she
was the one who’d always done the breaking up. Or else, she’d pick some guy like Felix, who, deep down, she knew she could never really love. And if she could never really love him, then he couldn’t really hurt her, could he? The stripper debacle had wounded Grace’s pride more than anything else.

But to be truly in love meant to be vulnerable. To give up your power to someone else. Like Sarah had done with Charlie. It was scary, to be sure, but the payoff had been worth it for her.

“Abuela,” Grace asked, staring at the
azabache
hanging around Abuela’s neck, “do you even believe in curses?”

“Only the ones we put on ourselves,
mi amor
.”

37

What Goes Around, Comes Around

Grace picked up her phone. She dialed Sarah first, then Penny, and told them what she planned to do. They both tried to talk her out of it, but Grace was insistent. Ellen volunteered to come over for moral support and Grace decided to take her up on it.

“This is the bravest thing you’ve ever done,” Ellen said.

“You did it.”

“Yes, but at the time I had no idea. I mean, I knew he was powerful, but I wasn’t expecting what I got,” Ellen said.

“You make him sound like Darth Vader.”

“He’ll make you sound like an idiot. He does that to everyone.”

“I know, but I have to do it, Ellen.” Grace paused. “You met him, right? When you gave him the picture of your panties. What’s he like?”

“Jerry’s actually kind of cute. That’s Speedway’s real name by the way. Jerry Pike.”

“Don’t say he’s cute. I like thinking of him as this big hairy tarantula sitting behind a desk with a mic.”

Ellen giggled. “Think of him naked.”

“Ew.”

“That’s what you’re supposed to do when you’re on stage and you’re nervous. You look out into the audience and you picture them naked and it gives you a boost of confidence.”

“Okay, I guess I can try that.” Grace picked up her phone and dialed. “What if he doesn’t take my call?”

“Oh, he’ll take your call. He gave you an open invitation, right?”

“Yeah, but that was more than a month ago. The boyfriend club thing has kind of died out.”

Ellen made a pained face. “Not really, Grace. I get calls on it every day.”

Ellen was right. Once the station personnel realized who was calling, it only took a few minutes to get to the man himself. Ellen turned up the volume on the radio.

“Hey, speedsters! This is Speedway Gonzalez, taking you round and round Day-to-na Beach. Guess who’s decided to come out and play this morning? It’s none other than the head honch-ess of the boyfriend club herself, Grace O’Bryan. So, Gracie, first things first. Are you fat?”

“Yes, I am. I tip the scales at four hundred pounds. Thanks for asking.”

Speedway chuckled. “It’s not going to be that easy, babe.” He paused. “Gracie, we’re having some technical difficulty. Do you have your radio on? And if you do, can you turn down the volume?”

“Oh, um, sure. Ellen, can you turn down the radio?” Grace asked. Ellen made a pouty face but she turned the volume dial down.

“That’s better,” Speedway said. “You weren’t by chance talking to my new best friend, Ellen Ames, were you?”

“As a matter of fact, I was.”

“Tell her I went to sleep last night looking at the picture of her in her panties. Tell her I think she’s hot. Tell her that—”

“You can tell her yourself later. I didn’t call to talk about that.”

“So it’s like that, huh? How long have you known you like to be on top, Gracie?”

“All my life, Speedway. That way I can crush my opponents. Don’t forget, I weigh four hundred pounds.”

“Now, Gracie, you know what happens to people who lie to Speedway. I’ve seen your picture. You’re hot too. Don’t deny it.”

This was the part when people got stupid. Grace tried to focus on the goal. If she could just get in and say what she had to, then she’d take her chances with Speedway later. “Look, I didn’t call to talk about myself, I called to talk about the boyfriend club.”

“Okay, you got my attention. Tell us all about the club. But don’t leave out any details. Because you know I’ll find them out.”

“It all started one Saturday night back in November when I ended up at the Wobbly Duck.”

“You go there often, Gracie?”

“It was my first time, actually.”

“That’s what she said.”

There was laughter in the studio background as Speedway’s cronies laughed at his stupid joke.

Patience, Grace
. “I went there to meet Brandon Farrell—”

“Mr. Darcy. Zumba guy, right?”

“Right. Some of his friends were drunk and they made fun of my family’s store, Florida Charlie’s, so I pitched a hissy fit and walked out on him. Oh, and I also knocked a pitcher of beer over and it spilled onto his crotch. But that was an accident.”

“Remind me not to ever go out with you, Gracie.”

“I don’t think that will be an issue. Remember, I weigh four hundred pounds. Unless you’re a chubby chaser. Are you a chubby chaser, Speedway?”

Speedway laughed. So far, so good.

“So, as I was saying, after my stint at the Wobbly Duck I went back to my book club meeting—”

“What kind of chicks meet on a Saturday night to discuss books? Fat ones, right? Oh, except you. We’ve already established that you’re hot. You did say that, right?”

Grace could feel the sweat pooling in her armpits. It was a precarious road. She tried to think of all the different spins Speedway could put on her answers.

“I never said I was hot. And to answer your question, yes, all my friends are fat. Just like I am. So, I got back to my book club meeting, and I was angry and I wanted revenge, so I convinced my fat friends to change our book club to a boyfriend club so that we could diss on men. It was childish and petty of us—or rather, of me, because I was the main instigator. My friends Penny and Sarah didn’t want to have anything to do with that, and Ellen, well, she just wants to develop her thesis into a book. But I was out for blood. The men you made fun of on your show were my victims.”

“Gracie, am I hearing a big
mea culpa
from you on this?”

“Yes, Speedway, you are. I want to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry to all the men we discussed. Men aren’t books that you can give a thumbs-up or thumbs-down to. They’re like us. They have feelings and reputations, and all I can say is that it got out of hand and I’m sorry if anyone was hurt by this. Especially Joe Rosenblum, who by the way is a fantastic dentist and a terrific humanitarian—”

“Sounds like you’ve still got the hots for him.”

“I . . . I do, Speedway. I think Joe is the love of my life.”

“Is it the drill that turns you on, Gracie? You’ve already admitted you like to be on top.”

Speedway wouldn’t like that she wasn’t going to answer directly, but Grace had just one more thing to get in. “Oh, and I also want to say that the boyfriend club is dissolved, so don’t bother going to Florida Charlie’s for a meeting. Although
please do
go to Florida Charlie’s, because there’s some pretty terrific stuff there, like the world’s largest alligator tooth on display until the end of summer. And Felix, if you’re listening, I’m sorry I told everyone about the Céline Dion thing, but I’m not sorry about anything else because you did cheat on me.”

“No more boyfriend club, Gracie?”

“That’s it, Speedway. No more boyfriend club.”

Whew
. She wasn’t sure that she’d be able to get it all in, but she had. She’d even managed to get in a plug for the store. Grace smiled to herself.

“So Gracie, let’s get back to you and that drill . . .”

She should hang up. Right this very instant. Any more time on the air would only end badly for her. But there was a certain seductive charm in Speedway’s on-air routine. He lured you in and made it seem like you were secret friends. Like the two of you knew something that the rest of the radio audience didn’t. She began to understand why all those people called in to the show. There was a chance—just a slim one, but a chance nevertheless—that you would be the lone caller who one-upped Speedway.

She tried to take Ellen’s advice and picture him naked, and for a while it seemed to work because she was holding her own against him. But in the end, Speedway did to her what he did to everyone else who called in to his show.

38

Reader, It All Worked Out the Way It Was Supposed To

“What do you think of this one?” Penny passed around a photo proof of her in her wedding dress. They were at Luigi’s, only it wasn’t Wednesday. It was the Friday night before the wedding. The official rehearsal dinner. And it wasn’t just the four of them. Charlie and Sarah sat together on one side of the table, Butch and Penny on the other side, with Grace and Ellen sitting at the ends. Butch’s family and Penny’s aunt from Minnesota had left after dessert to go back to the hotel.

“Don’t show it to Butch!” Penny said when the picture had made its rounds.

“Let me guess. It’s white,” Butch said.

“Wrong,” Penny said. “I would never be that obvious.”

Butch shrugged. “You know what I’m wearing. I don’t know why I can’t see the dress.”

“It’s bad luck for the groom to see the bride’s dress before the wedding. I’ll just tell you that it’s not white, and it’s beautiful.”

Grace had to agree with Penny. And not just because Abuela had made the gown. It was lovely. A not quite taupe, not quite beige off-the-shoulder full-length mermaid wedding dress that brought out every curve in Penny’s otherwise slender frame. Butch wouldn’t be able to take his eyes off her.

Ellen reached into her bag and pulled out a pen and a yellow legal pad. “It’s a new one,” she said, before anyone could say anything. “Okay, so let’s just make sure all the last-minute details are covered. Dress: check. Flowers—”

“Brandon has the flower situation under control,” Grace said. “Even though he’s not going to be here, he promised Ben-son’s would deliver everything first thing in the morning.” It had turned out that Brandon’s investment group owned 50 percent of Benson’s Flowers. Grace was beginning to wonder if there was anything in Daytona Beach that Brandon didn’t own. Or at least a percentage of, anyway.

Ellen made a notation in the pad. “Flowers: check. Minister: check. Reception at Luigi’s: check. Guest sign-in book.” Ellen looked up from her pad. “Crap. We forgot the sign-in book.”

“I figured I’d remember everyone who was at my wedding,” Penny said. “It’s not like I invited that many people.”

Ellen ignored Penny. “Sarah, you’re in charge of getting an appropriate guest sign-in book by tomorrow. The wedding is at dusk, but we’ll need it by at least noon.”

“Check,” Sarah said.

Ellen continued reading off her list. “Music: I have a note that says Butch is in charge of that.”

“Um, I have some bad news,” Butch said.

All the women at the table turned to glare at Butch. Charlie just shook his head at Butch in sympathy.

“We still have the violinist who’s coming to the ceremony,” Butch said, causing Penny to let out a sigh of relief. “But the DJ who’s supposed to do the reception canceled on me this afternoon. He’s going to a bike show down in Fort Lauderdale.”

“You got a biker friend to do the music at the reception?” Ellen asked incredulously. Before Butch could defend himself, she made a notation in her pad. “Never mind, I have it covered. It just so happens I have some very strong DJ connections.”

“Oh, yeah? Who?” Butch asked. “I don’t want any of that top-forty crap at our reception.”

“Beggars can’t be choosers, Butch,” Ellen said.

“You’re not talking about who I think you are.” Grace gave Ellen a hard stare.

“Jerry and I have been out every night this week.” Ellen’s eyes glazed over in a familiar way. “He’s absolutely wonderful, Grace. Wait till you meet him. I’m bringing him to the wedding as my date.”

“Jerry who?” Sarah asked.

Grace didn’t know whether to laugh or shake her head.

Everyone at the table looked confused. “His real name is Jerry Pike, and yes, his nom de guerre is Speedway Gonzalez,” Ellen admitted.

Butch’s face lit up. “You’re dating Speedway? And he’s coming to my wedding? Awesome!”

Charlie just laughed. Sarah and Penny began talking at once.

Ellen blushed. “I have a strong gut feeling that he’s the one. He’s . . . well, he’s passionate and so well read. Do you know he has a master’s degree in psychology? That whole Speedway thing is just an act. Jerry is actually very sensitive.”

Sarah’s jaw dropped. “Ellen! You’ve found your Heathcliff.”

“Let’s hope he doesn’t go psycho on her,” Penny muttered.

“Speaking of Speedway, I still think you were really brave, Grace, going on his show to talk about the boyfriend club,” Sarah said. “I’m really proud of you.”

“Have you heard from Joe?” Ellen asked.

Grace shook her head.

“Well, I’m happy to report one good thing came out of the boyfriend club,” said Ellen. “Remember Karina and Matt Lakowski?”

“You mean Colonel Brandon?” Penny said.

“He read his review online and he was so flattered with how highly Karina thought of him that they’ve gotten back together. She called me the other day to thank me.”

The conversation at the table went back to Ellen and Speedway, so Grace took the opportunity to lean over and ask Charlie, “You and Sarah are spending the night at the house tonight, right?”