“Gabriel, I would like to ask you some questions, if that’s all right with you.”
Gabe hesitated, then nodded, hoping Asa hadn’t noticed his fingers tensing on the mug in his hands. The old man’s pale blue eyes fixed on him, and his thoughtful expression gave Gabe the sense that Asa could see through all his barriers … right to the heart of him.
“Why do you want to be a minister?”
Gabe set his coffee mug down with slow precision, giving himself time to think. Why was Asa asking him this? What was he supposed to say?
Gabe started to say what he thought the man wanted to hear—but nothing came out. It was as though his carefully planned words had stuck in his throat. He clamped his lips shut and stared at the man sitting in front of him.
As though Asa’s question had opened a floodgate, Jake’s probing questions assaulted him again, ringing through his heart and mind. “Is
this what you want? Are you doing this because it’s what God wants for you?”
This time he didn’t dismiss the questions. Sitting there with Asa’s open gaze studying him, Gabe suddenly had a crazy urge.
Tell the truth.
The thought sent a chill running through him. The truth? Oh, yeah. Gabe could just imagine how the man would react to hearing that one of his students was in seminary because he’d gone off a cliff as a kid. That he’d held to the promise because his word was his word, and nothing would change that. Not even the fact that Gabe wondered almost every day if he could pull it off … if he could keep up the charade of devoted ministerial student for one more second, let alone one more day. That most nights he read those piles of books on faith and theology and the wonders of God until his brain hurt, but it never helped.
Justification. Sanctification. Consecration. Eschatology. Hermeneutics. Ascension. Eucharist. Prevenient grace. The Trinity—all just words. Empty, meaningless, utterly
frustrating
words that had been rattling around in his head since he’d started seminary, crowding his mind with confusion. Oh, he knew the textbook definitions. But understanding what they meant, the ideas behind them, why they were important … none of it made sense. No matter how hard he tried, Gabe couldn’t make it seem real.
And that was driving him crazy.
So much so that most nights he ended up pushing his books aside, grabbing his coat, and making his way to what did make sense. The nearest bar.
Just like dear ol’ dad, eh?
Gabe’s fists clenched. No! He was nothing like his father. Of course, he wasn’t anything like Asa, either.
Disgust roiled through him as he looked away. What would Asa Jacks, respected and beloved seminary professor, say if he knew what kind of man Gabe really was? If he confessed that he was far more comfortable with a beer and a
cigarette in his hand than a Bible? “It’s all right, Gabriel.”
He almost jumped out of his skin. Gabe met Asa’s gaze … and suddenly all he wanted to do was lower his head into his hands and weep. To jump up and run from the room, to get as far away from seminary, from Asa—from himself, his doubts and frustrations—as he possibly could.
Asa leaned forward, his hands clasped loosely in his lap, his eyes never leaving Gabe’s. “Please believe that you are safe here. And you are welcome. No matter what your answer to my question may be.”
Gabe tried to swallow around the softball-sized lump that had lodged itself in his throat at the sincerity in the older man’s tone, his eyes.
And just like that, he started talking. Told Asa everything. About that night, when he’d vaulted over the bushes and found himself airborne. About the miracle God had given him, and the promise he made. Even about the fears, the confusion … the fact that his stool at the bar was ten times the haven his seat in chapel had ever been.
Asa didn’t say a word. He just sat there, sipping his coffee, listening, nodding. There was no condemnation in his expression. No disappointment. No disgust.
Nothing but simple acceptance.
When Gabe finished, he stared at the floor. He felt as though he’d just lifted the building and carried it a mile. But for all the exhaustion, he felt good.
The truth shall set you free …
For the first time in his life, Gabe understood what that meant.
The room fell into silence, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. Gabe let his eyes drift shut, felt the tension ease from his shoulders, his stomach. Free. That’s how he felt.
“Thank you, Gabriel.”
His eyes opened and he angled a look at his professor. “Thank you? For what?”
A small smile played at the corners of the man’s mouth. “For your honesty. I don’t believe telling me all this was an easy thing for you to do.”
Gabe laughed at that. “No … it wasn’t easy.”
“But it’s good and right that you did it.”
Such confidence filled Asa’s eyes that Gabe found himself nodding, believing.
“Gabriel, I’ve known for some time that things weren’t what they needed to be with you.” His smile broadened when Gabe started. “You’ve struggled in my classes since the beginning.” His wrinkled hand came out to pat Gabe’s arm. “I always knew it wasn’t that you lacked intelligence—you are clearly an intelligent man. So I could only assume there was some lack in your heart. Your calling.”
Gabe gave a slow nod. “My calling …someone else asked me about that before I started college.”
Asa leaned back in his chair. “And what did you say?”
Warmth filled Gabe’s face at the memory. What a glib, stupid fool he’d been. “That I’d have to be crazy to go into the ministry without a call from God.”
The smile that lit Asa’s features was warm, approving. “As I said, you are clearly a man of intelligence. You’re exactly right.” He leaned forward again, his eyes roaming Gabe’s face, as though looking for a sign that Gabe heard what he had to say next—heard and believed. “My boy, I believe that when you made your pledge to God, it was in good faith. God knows that far better than I. But you must see, Gabriel, that was not a call. Not from God. It is a young boy’s plea for help. Yes, God answered it, and that is a testimony to His goodness and to the love He has for you.” His intent gaze pinned Gabe’s. “And it is that very love that will not allow you to hold yourself to a promise you never should have made.”
Gabe rested his hands on the cushioned arms of his chair as the truth of Asa’s words hit home. God hadn’t called him into ministry. It was his sense of honor, of fair play, that had
set his feet on this path. God had lived up to His part of the deal; how could Gabe do any less? But now …
Now he saw the truth. He didn’t belong here. In seminary. In the ministry.
Exactly where he did belong, he didn’t know, but that didn’t matter. As Gabe met the kindness in Asa’s gaze, he couldn’t restrain the relief. He was free.
Gratitude more deep than he’d ever known flowed over him, and he leaned forward, held out his hand. “Thank you.”
Asa’s hand closed over his. “May I assume, then, that you won’t be in class tomorrow morning?”
“No, sir. I won’t.”
Asa settled back into his chair, reaching for the coffeepot on the small table beside his chair. He poured himself a fresh cup, then held the pot out to Gabe.
He shook his head and stood, feeling more excited, more energetic than he’d felt in months. Maybe years. “I should go, sir. It’s getting late.”
Asa studied him for a moment, then stood as well and walked with Gabe to the door. There, he stopped Gabe with a hand on his shoulder.
“My boy, I believe you are taking a first step toward finding out what your true calling is. And I believe you have one. From God.”
As
though God would have anything to do with
me …
The dark thought dampened some of his newfound excitement, and he glanced away. But his doubt must have showed on his face, because Asa’s hand gave his shoulder a comforting squeeze.
“It is clear you have some questions, Gabriel. That you have some things to work through. Please know I am here anytime you would like to talk.”
As hard as it was to take in—to believe a man like Asa Jacks would care about Gabe and his struggles—he could tell the man meant what he was saying. It was an offer Gabe
didn’t take lightly. He had come back often, and he and Asa had talked late into the night, discussing everything from what Gabe thought about God and faith to what he wanted to do with his life now.
Bit by bit, things fell into place. Gabe left seminary He spoke with his boss at the college, who was happy to change his part-time position with physical properties to full-time. He moved out of the dorm and took a small apartment near the college. And though he still visited the bars on occasion, he’d found himself drawn there less and less often. Instead, he spent his time reading. Ironically, the books that drew him the most were those he’d so hated while in seminary. Books on faith and truth and God. What was even more amazing was that they began to make sense. Everything made more sense now.
Everything but his relationship with Renee.
He wasn’t sure why, but he hadn’t told her about leaving seminary. Hadn’t told her about his conversations with Asa. Gabe and Renee were still together, but he found himself pulling back, reevaluating. And finally, he was confronted by the same questions Asa had asked him about seminary:
“Is this what God wants for you? For Renee?”
Gabe
ignored the questions as long as he could, but one night at Asa’s it all came out. Once again Gabe found himself spilling his guts, telling the man everything—every good thing, every mistake, every concern and doubt. It no longer surprised Gabe that Asa sat in silence, listening, his compassion as clear as his wisdom.
By the time he finished, he knew Asa’s silence was a gift. It had enabled him to really hear his concerns for the first time. Until now, Gabe had been pushing any doubts away. But now … now he understood.
He loved Renee. More than he’d ever loved anyone or anything. She completed him. Made him whole.
No, it wasn’t whether he loved Renee that had been
troubling him all this time. It was whether he should. Whether he had the right.
That night he finally understood. The question tearing at him wasn’t one of love, but of right and wrong. And the answer seemed terribly clear. Regardless of how he felt about Renee, it wasn’t right to ask her to commit herself to a relationship with him. Not now. Not when he still had so much to work through, so much to resolve.
If he really loved Renee, then he had to let her go. To trust that if they really were meant to be together, God would make it happen. But not until the time was right.
And that time wasn’t now. Not by a long shot.
Gabe slumped in his chair, staring at the ground.
“Gabriel? Are you all right?”
He closed his eyes, his constricted throat and thickened tongue incapable of forming any words. His stomach churned, and suddenly anger sparked to life, burned through his veins, scorched the backs of his eyes.
So this is how it feels to do the right thing, God? This emptiness? This desperate aching deep in my gut?
His jaw clenched as his teeth ground down the cry of despair that begged for release.
Well, if this is what doing right is about, you can keep it.
A touch on his arm brought Gabe’s eyes open, and he swiveled in the chair, fists clenched at his sides. Asa knelt beside him. “Gabriel, why are you angry?”
The man’s quiet voice broke through Gabe’s defenses, and before he could stop them hot tears bathed his face. Asa slid his arm around Gabe’s shoulders, bowed his head, and began to pray. “He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty I will say to the
LORD
, ‘My refuge and my fortress, My God, in whom I trust!’ For it is He who delivers you.”
The low voice, the words of promise and truth, resonated with such compassion, such confidence—such
peace
—that Gabe could only bow his head as the holy entreaty enfolded
him, cradled him close—and lifted him to the very throne of heaven.
“Under His wings you may seek refuge; His faithfulness is a shield … You will not be afraid of the terror by night, or of the arrow that flies by day; of the pestilence that stalks in darkness, or of the destruction that lays waste at noon. A thousand may fall at your side and ten thousand at your right hand, but it shall not approach you.”
The fear that had seized Gabe’s spirit dissolved, unable to stand in the face of such words. The anger that had wrapped blistering fingers about his throat and threatened to choke the life from him eased, melting away like ice on a summer day.
“For you have made the
LORD
, my refuge, even the Most High, your dwelling place. No evil will befall you … For He will give His angels charge concerning you, to guard you in all your ways. They will bear you up in their hands, that you do not strike your foot against a stone.”
Asa’s hand moved to rest on Gabe’s head, and the psalm became a blessing that anointed Gabe’s broken heart, filling him with a peace unlike he’d ever known before.
“Because he has loved Me, therefore I will deliver him; I will set him securely on high, because he has known My name. He will call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will rescue him and honor him. With a long life I will satisfy him and let him see My salvation.”
Asa’s voice faded into silence, and Gabe knew as surely as he’d ever known anything, that God was there, with them.
After a moment, Asa moved back to his chair. “So you believe God is asking you to end your relationship with this woman.”
Gabe’s throat constricted again, this time with sorrow “Yes. For her sake.”
Asa was silent a moment, then he inclined his head. “I don’t know what God’s truth is for you. Or for your Renee. But I caution you against acting too quickly. Take some time,
my boy to listen for God’s guidance.”
A flicker of hope stirred. Could he have misunderstood? “How much time?”
Asa shook his head. “Only God can answer that. But if I were you, and the matter was one of such import, I would give myself to fasting and prayer. At least for a few days.”