“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have snapped at you. I had my mind on other things and was only half paying attention to the road. But you’re right, I do need to get my eyes examined.” He pinched the bridge of his nose.
Gray raised a brow and took another drink.
“I…” He what? Didn’t want to be too old for Gray? That’s what it boiled down to, after all. He was getting ahead of himself. “We need to talk about last night.”
“Yeah. I guess we do, but I don’t really want to.”
“It’s not going away if you ignore it.”
Gray snorted. “No shit, chief. I’ve been trying to ignore how I feel for close to twelve years, and it sure as hell hasn’t gone away.”
Twelve years? What was Gray talking about? “Well, then, I reckon it’s time you faced it. Talk.”
Gray rested his chin on the chair back, twirled the beer bottle, swished the liquid. He was quiet for several moments, then he looked up at Shane, eyebrows drawn together. “Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why everything? Why last night? Why what happened eleven some years ago? Why did you let me leave?” Gray’s voice seemed to tremble a little on the last question. He chugged his beer, clearly trying to pretend it hadn’t.
Whoa
! “All right, I’m lost; you said that like you expected me to keep you here. I don’t understand, Grayson. How was I supposed to do that?”
Gray sighed. “You didn’t want me and pushed me away all those years ago. So why have you all of a sudden decided that you do want me? What’s changed?”
“I’ve always wanted you. At first it was just because I loved you. Then, as you grew older, it turned to lust, too. There has never been a day that’s gone by that I don’t want you around.”
Gray stood, tossed back the rest of his beer, then set it on the table with a thud before taking another out of the fridge. Once he was seated again, he looked at Shane, his gaze hard. “The summer I turned seventeen, we went fishing together. You remember?”
Shane shook his head. “We always went fishing together.”
“No, this time was different. We’d been talking. I was telling you about my break up with, oh, hell, what was her name, the little blond. Christy? Yeah, that was it, Christy. I kept trying to tell you why I went from girlfriend to girlfriend, but you wouldn’t listen. You kept interrupting me. So, I tried to kiss you and you—”
Oh, fuck!
Shane dropped his head in his hands. Now he remembered it perfectly. Gray had kept trying to tell him he was gay and Shane had kept trying not to hear. He thought he’d somehow influenced Gray. It had bothered him terribly that Gray had tried to kiss him…because he’d wanted it so damned bad. He’d even thought he must have manipulated Gray into it, not to mention that Gray had been too damned young to know what the hell he wanted at the time. Afterward, Shane had half convinced himself that it had never happened, that it had all been his wishful thinking.
Shane dropped his hands and looked up. “And I ignored that, too. That’s why you left?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I…you were so young, Grayson.”
Gray’s mouth gaped just a bit, then his jaw clenched and he glared at Shane. “That’s it, isn’t it? That’s what that little episode in the truck was about, too. You think you’re too old for me. Well, fuck you, Shane!” Gray rose and stomped out the back door, slamming it behind him.
Shane wanted to follow, but forced himself to stay put. They best way to deal with Gray had always been to let him work things out himself. Either he would get over being pissed, or he’d get madder. One way or another, he’d eventually come back. At least, he’d always done so before…Well, that was then, but he didn’t think Gray would have changed all that much. Shane sighed. What the hell was he supposed to do now?
He finished his beer, opened another, then parked his old, tired ass on the couch.
Son of a bitch!
He’d spent all those years away for nothing. Wasted time when he could have spent them with Shane. Damn, Shane anyway! Gray took a swig of beer, then stared at the bottle. He seriously considered hurling it across the yard, but then he’d have to go pick it up, not to mention probably have to fend off his mom and aunt’s questions. He blew out a breath and turned the bottle upside down, letting the drink flow out onto the ground. Suddenly, he just didn’t feel like drinking. He was afraid if he continued, he wouldn’t stop, and drinking never solved anything, especially when you were doing it to drown your sorrows or regrets or whatever the fuck else.
He stepped off the porch and headed toward the barrels by the barn. There wasn’t any trash service out here so you burned your garbage or recycled. Glasses in one barrel, aluminum in another, paper and perishables in the “burn barrel” and plastics in yet another.
What a pain in the ass!
He’d never minded going out to burn trash as a kid, that had been fun, but he sure as hell hated having to sort the shit. He found the glass barrel and chucked the bottle in, satisfied with the sharp clink and crash when it broke.
He wandered over to the fence, listening to the sounds of the night, taking everything in. Even with the sun down it was hot, but there was nice breeze, so it was bearable. In some ways, he’d really missed the ranch. He’d missed the peacefulness, the stars, the sound of crickets and critters at night. The skeeters were probably going to suck him dry, but he didn’t care. He needed to get away; he needed to think.
He carefully climbed through the barbed wire along the fencing and kept going. With the moon lighting his way, he could see just fine. It really was pretty land. He had no real direction in mind, or so he tried to tell himself. He hated to admit it, but even while riding the rodeo circuit and spending time in San Antonio, he’d been homesick for all of this. Shane and his parents hadn’t been the only things he’d missed.
Damn it!
Why had Shane let him go over something so stupid? How could the man have possibly thought that he was too old, or that age even mattered? Hell, Shane hadn’t even known why Gray had taken off. All this time, he’d carried around the hurt and rejection and Shane hadn’t even had a fucking clue. What did that mean? Apparently, he wasn’t even worth Shane getting upset over.
Gray sighed when the stock pond came into view. He hadn’t been here since that day, and obviously the entire event was only a bad memory for
him
. “Fuck!”
Something stirred in the grass and moved away. He probably should have brought a gun, but no way in hell was he going back for it now. Snakes and coyotes be damned. The mood he was in he’d just jump on them and rip them to shreds with his bare hands if any decided to bother him.
Gray sank down to the ground and pulled his knees up to his chest as he surveyed the moonlit water. It was so serene here that it was hard to believe this was the spot where he’d made a decision that had disrupted a large part of his life. Not that it had been all bad. He’d never have gone and ridden bulls if it hadn’t happened, and he damned sure wouldn’t have been a lawman.
He couldn’t regret those things; they’d helped to make him who he was. He’d really discovered who he was while riding the circuit and he’d made some friends. He’d also, as the saying went, sowed some wild oats. And, of course, he’d won enough money to put himself through college and get a bachelor’s degree in criminal justice. His parents would have gladly paid for his schooling, but he’d wanted to make his own way. He’d tested with the force in San Antonio, then they’d put him through the academy. He’d spent four years there, then he’d returned home, ran for sheriff and, wham, the rest was history. He still wasn’t sure why he’d come back instead of staying in San Antonio. No, that wasn’t true; he’d come back to be near Shane. Not that he’d ever have admitted it at the time, but in the back of his mind he’d always held out hope that someday, Shane would forgive him and maybe even love him.
Gray snorted and lay back in the grass, staring up at the stars and listening to the breeze move the water. That was his problem, of course; despite his years as a cowboy and, later, an officer, he was a still fucking hopeless romantic. How pathetic was that? Even that frickin’ day, sitting just a few yards away from where he was now, he’d somehow convinced himself that Shane felt the same way he had.
He’d just caught a fish and started reeling it in when Shane’s hand landed on his shoulder, then his other tried to snag the fishing pole.
“Quick! You’re going to lose it! Reel it in, Grayson!”
“I am!” He laughed and kept reeling, then jerked the pole back, but still lost the fish. But he and Shane got a good chuckle out of it on account that Gray stepped back, lost his footing and slid in the mud.
Shane cackled so hard the man nearly lost his own fishing pole when he got a bite on the forgotten line lying on the bank. He and Shane both fell all over the place trying to get the pole before it disappeared into the water. In the end, Shane lost his fish, too.
They scooted back up the bank and lay in the grass, side by side, still chuckling. After they fell quiet, he tried to tell Shane he was gay, but Shane kept changing the subject. Gray was frustrated to no end and pretty certain that Shane knew damned well what Gray wanted to tell him, but he let it go.
He and chief spent most of the rest of the afternoon not saying a word, just fishing.
Funny how Shane had always been one of the few people Gray could just relax with and not feel uncomfortable or awkward. With Chief, it was more like a companionable silence, like they knew what the other was thinking so really didn’t need to say anything.
Shane eventually sat up and got them both a Coke from the cooler they’d brought down with them. Somehow or another when their hands had touched as Shane handed the beverage over, Gray had decided to kiss Shane.
Why had he done that? Gray jerked upright, blindly staring out over the water. He thought hard for a minute, trying to remember things about that day he’d always tried to forget. Why had he felt like it was a good idea to kiss Shane? He closed his eyes, sifting his memories. He could almost picture Shane’s face just as it was that day. Shane had leaned into him first! Indeed, chief had licked his lips and tilted his head just a fraction. Gray’s hands had touched Shane’s chest, caressing just briefly, before Shane had covered his hands with his. For just a second, Gray had thought Shane was holding them there to savor the sensation, then he’d shoved Gray away, a look of absolute horror on his face.
Gray’s eyes flew open. How had he forgotten that? He’d completely overlooked the fact that Shane had more or less made the first move. Instead, he’d obsessed about what he had thought was Shane’s rejection.
Shane mumbled an apology as he reared back. But Gray didn’t stick around; he felt like such an idiot. He couldn’t get the look of horror on Shane’s face out of his head. He sprinted back to the big house and locked himself in his room where he made the decision to leave as soon as he graduated and turned eighteen.
At dinner—Shane always ate dinner with the Hunters—Shane asked him if he wanted to go fishing again the next day. Gray got pissed off all over again that Shane had already put the incident behind him. Chief was acting just as he always had, like Gray’s friend, his protector.
“Shit!” What if Shane’s horrified expression was due to disgust with himself rather than anger with Gray? Gray flung himself back in the grass again, gazing at the stars but not really seeing them. That was it! It had to be. Now things were beginning to make more sense. He ran his hands down his face, relaxing just a little as he remembered a scene from his childhood.
He was seven, sitting on Shane’s shoulder as they walked up and down the stable aisles at a livestock auction. Chief was nineteen or twenty and had both his hands securely around Gray’s ankles while Gray’s hands were wrapped around Shane’s forehead.
In one of the stalls, there was a beautiful brown Tobiano Paint. Gray fell head over heels in love. He had to have that horse. He tapped Shane’s head and pointed. “There, chief! That one! I want that one. I’m going to name him Thunder! That’s the perfect horse for a brave.”
Shane chuckled and went to the stall to have a better look. They got too close and the horse shied away. Shane stepped back, too. “I don’t know, Grayson. I don’t think this horse is broke. Why don’t we look around a little more?”
“No.”
“Aw, come on, Grayson. Besides that, this is a mare. You can’t name a girl horse Thunder. Thunder is a name more fitting to a stallion or a gelding.”
Gray shook his head so hard that Shane squeezed his hands around the boy’s ankles and moved to compensate for the movements.
Shane sighed again and called out to Ted.
Dad joined them in no time. “What’s up, Shane?”
Shane pointed at the mare.
Gray did, too. “That one, daddy.”
Ted looked resigned. “I already asked about that one, Gray. She’s a two year old that’s barely green broke.”
Gray tapped Shane on the head again and leaned down, forcing Shane to grab Gray’s back, lest he fall off Shane’s shoulders. “That one. It has to be that one, chief.”
Shane turned to Ted. “I’ll finish breaking the horse if you tell me how. I know I can do it.”
Ted frowned up at his son, then glanced back at Shane. “I don’t know, Shane.”
“I just need someone to guide me, Ted. You know if I say I’ll do it, I will.”
Ted looked once more at Gray and sighed. “Katy will have my head if you get hurt, Shane.” He shook his head and walked off, mumbling under his breath. “You spoil that boy.”
And that had been that. Gray had gotten his first horse, and Shane had gotten to break his first horse.
He rose from the ground and dusted himself off. Why hadn’t he seen it before? Dad had been right; Shane had always acted as his protector and had spoiled him, too. Looking at their relationship from that perspective, Gray had no trouble seeing why anything resembling intimacy might have been difficult for Shane. It wasn’t just the age difference, of course. Gray had always been Shane’s responsibility, albeit self-imposed, but still…Shane had wanted him, probably had for a while. Gray no longer had any doubts about that. He knew Shane well enough to know that that day by the pond had likely made Shane believe he was taking advantage of the teenager Gray had been.