Authors: Patrick McCabe
The next thing I knew I was in a cold sweat because of the way Joe was looking at me. I could see the flattened spot of the grass where he'd been lying he had moved back from it. He was sitting in a different place now. He hadn't moved back too far in case I'd notice it. But I did. It was only for a split second our eyes met but he knew and I knew. Then I said: I fairly fooled you there Joe. Tiddly! Imagine someone doing the like of that! Tiddly! Rolos -- for fuck's sake!
I laughed till the tears ran down my face.
I fooled you,
I cried out. I had a headache and my face was all flushed. Then Joe said it was time he was getting back he had extra homework to do for the weekend. I said OK, I would see him tomorrow and we'd go to the carnival. Sure, he said, I'll try and I watched him running back into town. I was coming in the road when I seen your man coming with the black bicycle. I says to him: There you are. How are you getting on?
He tugs down the cap and says: I'm in a bit of a hurry. I have to see about the calves.
Then off he goes with the head down. I waited there to see what he'd do and sure enough when he was about fifty yards away he stops and turns to look back. I just stood there with my legs spread like Kirk Douglas. When he saw me staring back at him what does he do only let go of the bike and down it went clattering on the road. I didn't stir I just stood there watching him trying to pick it up. He didn't make much of a fist of it once he knew I was watching. Then the shopping bag came loose off the carrier and something fell out of it I think it was potatoes. What does he do then only try to pick them up too. He was a right-looking sketch with one hand holding the handlebars and the other the spuds. I cupped my hand over my mouth: Don't forget the calves! I says and off he goes with the potatoes another few of them fell and rolled into the ditch.
Then off I went up the street but there was no one around only Grouse and papers sailing like boats down the gutters of Fermanagh Street.
But that didn't last long for soon as Buttsy and Devlin heard I was home from the school for pigs they were round to the house to interrogate me about doing the poo in Nugent's. I heard them forcing the front door the stupid bastards couldn't break into an egg. I was thinking will I tackle these bastards yet or not then I says no not yet so up the chimney I went with an old jackdaw looking down at me as much as to say what are you doing here this our property.
Come on now Brady we know you're in here,
says Buttsy. If you come out it won't be so bad. Jesus what a stink in this place said Devlin what do you expect when pigs live here says Buttsy. Look at this says Devlin rotten fish in the sink, there's rats in here there's sure to be rats. No says Buttsy only pigs. Ha ha laughs Devlin. Ha ha, that was a good laugh. When I didn't come out they lost the rag. Buttsy swore and broke something. Burn the place says Devlin. He must be here somewhere they said and then I heard them rooting about outside. They came back in and wrecked the kitchen, cursing. Then they went off, fit to be tied, we'll get the bastard sooner or later. I didn't bother coming out and the next morning there was a huge pale sun sitting in the window. That did my heart good. Ah, I says, this is going to be a good day.
Off I went down the fresh, crunchy lane. I stopped just outside the chickenhouse to see if the puddle was frozen over and sure enough it was. I felt warm all over when I seen that. There was hard twisty paper growing out of the white misted ice. I tried to dig it out with my toe but it wouldn't come so I broke off a bit of a twig and hacked away at it. When I looked up there was this young lad standing there like something off a Christmas card with a big stripey scarf round his neck and a hat with tassels on it. What are you doing here Mister he says, that's our puddle. Its your puddle? I says, Yes, he says, we're in charge of it me and Brendy. OK, I says and handed him the stick I won't touch it anymore. All right then mister he says, I won't tell Brendy. All of a sudden I looked at him with his rosy cheeks and the two silver snots at his nose and what did I want to do I wanted to kiss him. Not the way Tiddly did it any of that but just because all of a sudden everything seemed so good. I said to myself: Just being here is so good I could stand here for ever.
Its your puddle now, I says to him but do you know who it used to belong to? He rubbed his face with a mitten and says no -- who?
Me and Joe Purcell, I said.
Oh, he says, well youse don't own it now and goes down on one knee and starts hacking away at the bit of paper.
I went into Mickey Traynor's shop. There was a big picture of Our Lord hanging on the wall. It said;
Buy a television or else you bastard!
No it didn't it said Our Saviour looks after us all.
His daughter was on her knees saying the rosary with a whole load of saint pictures spread out on top of a radio cabinet. I met her on the street one day and she told me she hated Romans because they killed Thaddeus the Christian boy whoever the fuck Thaddeus was. Mm mm mm she says the next sorrowful mystery of the holy rosary Jesus prays in the garden. Good man Jesus but you daren't say that or Mickey'd throw you out on the street on the spot. Well Mickey I said will you ever forget the days of the old television? He stuck the pencil behind his ear what television would that be now he says. Oh the one that got broke, I says, the one da gave out yards about. Did he not come up to you about it? Naw, says Mickey, I don't remember your da coming in at all now he says and goes back to his work, hoking away at the inside of another telly. Without the back on it looked like one of these cities of the future you'd see in Dan Dare. Sure bring it up and we'll have a look at it, he says. Ah no, never mind about it Mickey, says I, that was all in the old days. I'm far too busy these times to be bothered worrying my head about televisions. Well, whatever you think yourself now, says Mickey as this fart comes out of the loudspeaker. Bejasus! he says then I laughed and off I went. It sure was good to be back in the old town. Into the shop I went and who was there only Mrs Connolly and the women but they weren't expecting me this time you could tell that all right the way they were looking at me:
But we thought you were away in the industrial school!
H'ho no ladies, I'm back in action yes indeed a puff of smoke and here he is again the incredible Francie Brady --
How are you ladies?
They couldn't make up their minds who was going to speak. Little coughs and all this and one looking at the other -- you say hello to him.
No -- you do!
It went on like that for a minute or two. I think they thought I was going to pull a machine gun out from under my coat drrr die you dogs.
I had a good laugh thinking that. When I started laughing so did they and before we knew it we were all talking away about the old days and the pigs and all that. Anything I could think of we talked about it there was so many things in my head after the school for pigs. The laughs we had in those days, I says. Oh now they said, don't be talking! You're back for good now Francis is that right says one of them and the other two gave her a look --
Don't ask him that! For the love of God don't ask him that!
Why not? Them old women could ask me anything they liked. I am indeed, back in the old home town. That's what Audie Murphy says on the horse looking down on the sleeping western village from the hill -- it shore is good to be back in the old home town. Yup! I says. All you could see was these three smiles just hanging there in mid-air. The shopgirl never opened her mouth. No, that's not true, she did. That was
all
she did, open her mouth. She just stood there behind the counter looking at us with her mouth open. It was nice talking to them there beside the cornflakes shelf, it was as if they hadn't moved an inch since I left still saying President Kennedy was a lovely man and something would have to be done about the price of butter. It would but I had more important things to talk about than that, the old days the old pig days we could have talked for hours about all that. Will you ever forget them old pig days I says. Oh now Francie, says Mrs Connolly, don't be talking! Ha ha they said, they were good days all right. Ah well, I said, that's all over, you can't be a pig all your life isn't that right ladies?
They said it was.
I said to Mrs Connolly: Isn't that right Mrs Connolly.
That's right Francis she says, that's very true.
It is indeed I says.
Ha ha says Mrs Connolly.
Ha ha says the other women.
Oh now says I.
We could have gone on talking there for hours there was so much to say but it was getting near time for me to move on and see what else I could discover on my travels. Well good day now ladies, I said, I guess I gotta mosey on. Ha ha
mosey on!
Mrs Connolly was saying to herself I wonder was it all right to laugh at mosey on. Of course it was. I didn't care. They could laugh themselves stupid if they wanted to. Then I says well ladies I'd best be on my way. Yes Francis, says Mrs Connolly, you have to see all your pals. I have indeed I said. The smiles I had to laugh at them too -- they weren't like smiles at all more like elastic bands pulled tight. Twang! and back they'd go. But sure no matter -- they could smile whatever way they liked, I wasn't going to stop them. Right so ladies, I guess ah'll jest mosey along I says we'll see you soon please God says Mrs Connolly. Yup I says. When I was going by the window I gave it a rap
Jesus!
says one of them I think it was Mrs Connolly
twang!
goes the smile and the other women -- are you all right Mrs Connolly? I says to myself: I never knew there was so many things in this town would make you laugh.
There was a tin can lying there. Flip, over the hedge it went. You never know, I might play for the town yet I thought.
The fountain wasn't frozen it was spraying away goodo on the Diamond so I sat down beside it for a while. There was one thing I knew about that fountain. They had put it there for Queen Victoria the same time as they built the Jubilee Road in honour of her visit to the town that year. Except for one thing -- she never came. It was a beautiful fountain well it was then. But a lorry backed into it one night and knocked all the angels and that off it and now there was a big plaster crack running up the side of it like a cut. I dropped a spit onto a fag box and thought of all the school kids and old folks
Hooray for Queen Victoria!
Except for one thing -- where the fuck is she?
I couldn't stop chuckling the more I thought of it and them all going home in a huff -- we've gone and built a fountain and a new road for fuck all!
But of course that wasn't true -- I could sit on it couldn't I?
And the drunk lad could piss into it on his way home from the Tower. He sure could. So well done town and Queen Victoria I said to myself.
The big wheel of the carnival turned at the far end of the town, tossing hysterical people across the sky, people pretending to be hysterical that is. Well would you believe it -- who comes along then only himself, old Father Dom, flap in his skirts and the shoes like little black paws peeping out. You got on well, at the em industrial school he says, I did indeed I said and who does he know it turns out, only our old friend Tiddly. Ah yes, he says, Father Sullivan, a very good friend of mine. How is he at all at all? Oh he's the best, I said, never better. An awful man for the books!, laughed Dom. A terror!, I says, a holy terror for the books! Matt Talbot, I said. Ah yes, poor Matt Talbot, sighed Father Dom and crossed himself. He was delighted at all this me knowing Tiddly and Matt Talbot and everything so we stayed there for a long time talking drum drum on the missal the weather has got very cold now and how's your father and I wonder what we can talk about now? I never seen you looking as well Francis he said, you've got so tall! I'm glad things have worked out for you. I must drop down and say hello one of these days. Do indeed Father, I said and saluted and off he went. I was wondering did he ever sit on Tiddly's knee? Are you comfortable there Dommie? Yes Father I am are you? Ah I am, I'm grand, grand now altogether. But I knew old Dom wouldn't do that. I'd say the worst thing Dom ever did in his whole life was say to his mother: No ma -- I
won't
go to the shop for you!
I closed my eyes and breathed in it was like breathing in the whole cold fresh and crunchy town. I could hear the chickenhouse fan droning away steady as ever down in our lane behind the houses. One day Joe said to me: Its the best sound in the world, that fan. I said why. He said: Because you always know its there.
And he was right. If you weren't thinking of it you wouldn't hear it. But once you listened, it was always there humming away softly like a quiet machine that kept the town going.
The baker was unloading trays of bread steaming from his van. Grouse Armstrong was huddled in the library doorway and off goes the drunk across the Diamond singing into his beer bottle I wonder who's kissing her now? Then he stops and starts into Grouse do you know me do you? Uh! Uh! Grouse just opened one eye for a second and then went back to sleep. You're only a baaaastard! says your man and then tumbles away off round the Jubilee Road on rubber legs. I wasn't expecting Roche so I got a bit of a shock when I looked up and seen him standing there staring at me. Who the fuck did he think he was -- Count Dracula?
Ah hello there Doctor, I said, and how are things?