“Cate, how dare you treat my friends like this!”
Cate’e eyes widened, “Justin, I don’t understand. What have I done?”
“Your self-righteous attitude!”
“You don’t have to yell. I don’t understand at all. I
am
nice to your friends when they come over.”
“Yeah, but you don’t participate. You sit there in your
self-righteous smugness
. You watch us and don’t participate.”
“Justin, you know how I feel about alcohol.”
“And, you know how I feel. You don’t have to be so judgmental.”
Cate shook her head, her eyes narrowed in puzzlement. “How am I being judgmental?”
“You’re nice and polite, but the guys know how you feel about alcohol.”
“How—how do they know.
I’ve
never told them. Have you?”
“No one had to tell them. They can see.”
“What?”
“Yeah, they can; so can I. You make them feel uncomfortable.”
Cate was shocked. “I make
them
feel uncomfortable? They make
me
feel uncomfortable.”
“And, it’s written all over your face. That’s what makes them feel uncomfortable.”
“Oh, I see.”
“Finally,” Justin softened his tone and sat on the couch.
“Justin, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that my face was betraying my feelings.”
He stared at Cate, his tone rigid, “Yeah, well you need to do something about that.”
A sigh was forced from her mouth and her body tensed. “I–I don’t know what.”
“It would help if you’d join in.”
Cate looked him in the eye, as her heart sank. “You know I can’t do that.”
“Ashley and the other girls do, and they’re not that crazy about drinking.”
“I–can’t.”
Justin took her by the hand. “Well, work on that face of yours then. Don’t be so judgmental.”
“I’ll try.”
“For my sake, you need to do more than try.” Justin gently pulled her down to him.
Their agreeing to disagree about alcohol didn’t make things better, and as the problems with Justin continued, Cate sought refuge in a local church and began to get her relationship with the Lord resolved. Justin went with her-at first-but decided that it wasn’t for him. The men of the church tried to reach out to him, but he refused. When Cate confronted him about the need for a Christian to attend church, Justin revealed his ideas about church, God and salvation. Cate realized during that conversation that she, a Christian and a pastor’s daughter, had married a man who was
not
a Christian.
“Justin, you told my father you were a committed Christian. Why did you do that if you weren’t?”
“I was hedging my bets. I knew what he wanted to hear, so I told him. I would have done whatever it took to marry you.”
Cate’s eyes gazed at him as though seeing him for the first time, “You intentionally lied to my father.”
“I wouldn’t call it lying. Call it hedging my bets. After all I
am
a Christian; just not your father’s kind of Christian.”
“My father’s kind of Christian?” Cate folded her arms.
“Yeah, I believe that God loves everybody, and that He’s not as down on all this
sin stuff
as most people think, but I could tell that your father was a straight laced, Bible-believing Christian. I didn’t think he’d agree to our marriage if he thought I was different. Back then, I thought that
you
were my kind of Christian.”
“I’m sorry for giving you the wrong impression.” Cate shifted on her feet, “I never meant to do that. I’m sorry if I’m a disappointment to you, but I promise I’ll try to be a good wife to you.”
“I know you’ll try to be a good wife, Cate.”
This revelation of Justin’s true spiritual condition and his impression of her before they were married devastated Cate, but she had taken vows and she meant to live by those vows. The situation with Justin caused Cate to do much soul searching and repenting for her rebellion toward God that had led her to get involved with Justin. She prayed, “Oh God, please forgive me for the rebellion that got me here, and give me the strength to be true to my marriage vows. Please Father, help Justin realize how to truly know Christ as Savior and Lord.”
After the first six months of their marriage, he wasn’t antagonistic as much as unresponsive to her. He made excuses to stay away from home and came home only to sleep. His attitude devastated Cate. But she did receive a glimmer of hope.
Her parents were coming for Cate and Justin’s graduation, and she was beside herself. She didn’t want her parents to know what was going on. Justin realized the spot she was in and decided to do the compassionate thing.
“Cate, don’t worry about your parents. I’ll play the part of the loving husband, while they’re in town for graduation.”
Amazed by his offered, she asked, “Why would you?”
“Because I know how much they love you, and I know you haven’t told them about us.”
Cate narrowed her eyes, bit her lip and looked intently at him. “You’re serious, aren’t you?”
“Of course I am,”
She decided to take advantage of the occasion. “Justin, I’d like to get things straightened out between us.”
He shook his head, “After your parents leave, not now.” He turned and walked out the door.
Cate was hopeful for the first time in months. She prayed that the Lord would work in Justin’s heart and help heal their marriage, and she was encouraged by his actions and attitudes toward her while her parents were there. He played the part of a loving husband so well that Cate thought God was answering her prayers. However, after saying goodbye to her parents Justin made it clear on the way home that God had not answered her prayers.
“Cate, I did what I said. I played the part of a loving husband, but your parents are gone now, and I want to get things settled between us.”
“Okay, so can I ask you something?”
“Go ahead,” Justin answered.
“Will you go to marriage counseling with me?” Cate prayed he’d say yes.
He shook his head, “Cate, I thought you understood.”
“Understood what?”
“I thought that you understood that I don’t want to be married to you anymore.”
She tried to speak but nothing came out, it was as if the air had left her body. Cate squeezed her eyes shut, hoping her world would be different when she opened them. “B-but, Justin you said we were going to try to straighten things out. You... Didn’t you see, see how things could be this week? We were nice to each other again, considerate, even loving, I…”
“It was an act Cate! Don’t you get it? I was trying to be kind. I knew that what’s happened with us put you in a spot with your parents. I knew you hadn’t told them anything. So, I told you that I’d help you out, and I did.”
Cate sat, quietly wringing her hands, as she tried to make sense of what he was saying. Justin tried again to make her understand.
“An act of compassion, that’s all this week was. I thought I owed you that.”
“You thought you owed me. What does that mean?”
“Cate, I know that you love me and I love you, but you’re not the girl I married.”
“Yes, I am. You have to believe me. I
am
and I’ve tried to be a good wife.”
“I know you’ve tried to be a good wife, but you’re not the kind of wife I want. I want a wife that puts me first, and wants what I want,” Justin shrugged, not even bothering to turn and look at her, “and that’s not you.”
“Justin, I’ve spent the last eleven months trying to be the kind of wife that you want.”
“That’s not exactly true. I know you believe it is, but it’s not. You’re so caught up in this Christian stuff that you’ll never be what I want.”
“You think my Christianity is the source of our problems?” Cate’s stomach twisted,
this can’t be true, it can’t
.
“Yes, I do. You put God first, not me, and I know that’s not going to change, but neither am I. I want a wife that puts
me
first, not God.” He paused, “I believe I have found a woman who will do that.”
“You—You’ve what?”
“I’ve found someone else.”
“No,” she shook her head, “no, I can’t believe it.”
“Cate, I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you. You’ve got to believe me. I love you, but not like I love her. I don’t want to be married to you anymore. I want to marry Ashley.”
“Ashley, Ashley” Cate stared at the car’s floor mats, but didn’t see them. “Ashley.”
She barely heard Justin tell her that he had filed for divorce and that she would receive the papers in a couple of days. He realized that she wasn’t listening.
“Cate! I’ve filed for a divorce. You’ll receive the papers in a couple of days. Please don’t contest the divorce. It won’t do you any good. I’m moving in with Ashley tonight.”
When they arrived home, she went for a walk as he packed to leave.
Justin’s adultery and his desire for a divorce signaled her complete and utter failure as a woman and a Christian; she plunged into despair and depression. Not only had she failed God and Justin, but she had ruined her life and quite possibly her mother’s and father’s too. There had never been a divorce in Cate’s family; she couldn’t cope with the fact that hers would be the first one, that her divorce might hurt her father’s ministry because some people might consider her failure his failure. How could she ever admit to her parents what had happened? Surely, they would be disappointed in her. After all, all that had happened was her fault; she’d been the one who strayed from God. Moreover, there was David,
I need to apologize to him.
In telling her that he did not love her or want to be with her anymore, Justin had used some of the same words she had used with David. She felt firsthand what horrible wounds those words made. She understood now that she should have married David,
too late now
. The thoughts circled constantly, round and round in her mind, crushing her heart and spirit
.
Four
God, in His grace, intervened through Mica Pierce, a friend from church. Seeing how deeply the depression had taken hold of Cate, she sought to help. “Cate, how about going with me to church tomorrow?”
“I’m sorry, but I can’t.”
“Come on, you haven’t been to church since Justin left you. As a matter of fact, you haven’t been anywhere except to work. Cate, it’s not good for you to be by yourself so much. Go to church with me tomorrow, please.”
“Mica, I can’t. I’m,” Cate bit her lip, “I’m too ashamed.”
“Ashamed of what? You didn’t do anything. Justin did.”
“I must have done
something
wrong. He left me for another woman.”
“You’re saying
his
adultery is your fault? I don’t think so!”
“Mica, he said I wasn’t the wife he needed me to be.”
“Even I know better than that. I know how cold Justin was toward you. Cate, he was just trying to justify his infidelity.”
“If I had been the kind of Christian I ought to have been, he wouldn’t have been so antagonistic to Christianity.”
“Whoa! I won’t believe that one either. Cate, I know how hard you tried. You tried a lot harder than I would have. I wouldn’t have put up with all his stuff.”
Cate scuffed the ground with her shoe and avoided looking in Mica’s eyes, “It wasn’t that bad.”
“Really?” Mica narrowed her eyes, “I remember the drinking, the carousing and only coming home to eat and sleep.”
“Mica, I’m so ashamed. There’s never been a divorce in our family. The fact that my dad is a pastor makes it so much worse. This whole thing is such a terrible reflection on him and my mother.”
“I’m sure they don’t think that.”
“They would if they knew,” Cate rolled her eyes.
“You mean—they don’t know? You haven’t told them?”
“No, I can’t bear the thought of disappointing them and hurting them.”
“Cate, do you mean to tell me that you’re trying to go through this whole thing alone?
Girl
, you need your family. You need their support. Call them. Tell them.”
“Mica, I can’t. I just can’t.”
“Cate please,”
“I can’t.” Cate wiped at the tears trailing down her cheeks as Mica sought to comfort her.
“Okay, okay, for now. But, I want you to know. You’ve got
me
. I’ll be here for you, but you’ve got to let me. Cate, I’m worried about you.”
“You don’t have to worry about me Mica.”
But, she did worry; she couldn’t help it. Nothing Mica tried to do helped. Cate’s depression grew worse, and Mica decided to exhibit tough love for Cate. She called Dr. and Mrs. Jones and told them about the divorce and Cate’s depression.
“Hello–Dr. Jones–You don’t know me–I’m a friend of Cate’s from Baton Rouge–Dr. Jones, I think you ought to know what’s going on with Cate–Justin left Cate for another woman–Yes, sir that’s right, and he divorced her–About three months ago–But, I’m calling because Cate’s not handling it well–No, sir, she’s terribly depressed; she doesn’t go anywhere, but to work. She doesn’t eat or sleep like she should–Yes, sir; I’m extremely worried about her–Thank you, I was hoping you’d say that.”
Shocked and concerned by what they heard, Cate’s parents made plans to come to Baton Rouge immediately. Only God’s grace, through Mica’s intervention, and her parents’ loving care enabled Cate to climb out of her terrible pit of deep depression.
Cate moved from Baton Rouge back to Kansas City and into her parents’ home during her recovery. After several months of her father and mother’s patient counsel and the Lord’s word, Cate was ready once again to face life.
God offered her a second chance to surrender her life to him, and to follow obediently wherever he led, and Cate responded happily to God’s forgiveness. She hoped that she would have a second chance with David, hoped that he still had feelings for her. She decided to try to win him back.
“David, I’m sorry that I hurt you. I’m sorry that I married Justin-and not you.”
David stood silent.
“David, I made a mistake. Can you please forgive me?
David responded with expected Christian charity, “Cate, I forgave you long ago.”
“David, I should have married you. I love you,” Cate gushed.