Why had I cried in Belinda's arms? Oh, yes. Because I had seen the princess and let her lie there unawakened, because the happily ever after was so damnably much work.
I did not do it in the fever of the first realization that I had lost her. It was no act of passion or sudden fear or grief. I sat beside her bed for hours, looking at her weak and helpless body, now so empty. I wished for her eyes to open on their own, for her to wake up and say, “Hey, would you believe the dream
I
had!” For her to say, “Fooled you, didn't I? It was really hard when you poked me with pins, but I fooled you.”
But she hadn't fooled me.
And so, finally, not with passion but in despair, I stood up and leaned over her, leaned my hands on either side of her and pressed my cheek against hers and whispered in her ear. I promised her everything I could think of. I promised her no more rain forever. I promised her trees and flowers and hills and birds and the wind for as long as she liked. I promised to take her away from the rest home, to take her to see things she could only have dreamed of before.
And then at last, with my voice harsh from pleading with her, with her hair wet with my tears, I promised her the only thing that might bring her back. I promised her me. I promised her love forever, stronger than any songs Anansa could sing.
And it was then that the monstrous song fell silent. She did not awaken, but the song ended, and she moved on her own; her head rocked to the side, and she seemed to sleep normally, not catatonically. I waited by her bedside all night. I fell asleep in the chair, and one of the nurses covered me. I was still there when I was awakened in the morning by Elaine's voice.
“What a liar you are! It's still raining.”
Â
It was a feeling of power, to know that I had called someone back from places far darker than death. Her life was painful, and yet my promise of devotion was enough, apparently, to compensate. This was how I understood it, at least. This was what made me feel exhilarated, what kept me blind and deaf to what had really happened.
I was not the only one rejoicing. The nurses made a great fuss over her, and the administrator promised to write up a glowing report. “Publish,” he said.
“It's too personal,” I said. But in the back of my mind I was already trying to figure out a way to get the case into print, to gain something for my career. I was
ashamed of myself for twisting what had been an honest, heartfelt commitment into personal advancement. But I couldn't ignore the sudden respect I was receiving from people to whom, only hours before, I had been merely ordinary.
“It's too personal,” I repeated firmly. “I have no intention of publishing.”
And to my disgust I found myself relishing the administrator's respect for that decision. There was no escape from my swelling self-satisfaction. Not as long as I stayed around those determined to give me cheap payoffs. Ever the wise psychologist, I returned to the only person who would give me gratitude instead of admiration.
The gratitude I had earned,
I thought. I went back to Elaine.
“Hi,” she said. “I wondered where you had gone.”
“Not far,” I said. “Just visiting with the Nobel Prize committee.”
“They want to reward you for bringing me here?”
“Oh, no. They had been planning to give me the award for having contacted a genuine alien being from outer space. Instead, I blew it and brought you back. They're quite upset.”
She looked flustered. It wasn't like her to look flustered âusually she came back with another quip. “But what will they do to you?”
“Probably boil me in oil. That's the usual thing. Though, maybe they've found a way to boil me in solar energy. It's cheaper.” A feeble joke. But she didn't get it.
“This isn't the way she said it wasâshe said it wasâ”
She. I tried to ignore the dull fear that suddenly churned in my stomach.
Be analytical,
I thought.
She could be anyone.
“She said? Who said?” I asked.
Elaine fell silent. I reached out and touched her forehead. She was perspiring.
“What's wrong?” I asked. “You're upset.”
“I should have known.”
“Known what?”
She shook her head and turned away from me.
I knew what it was, I thought. I knew what it was, but we could surely cope. “Elaine,” I said, “you aren't completely cured, are you? You haven't got rid of Anansa, have you? You don't have to hide it from me. Sure, I would have loved to think you'd been completely cured, but that would have been too much of a miracle. Do I look like a miracle worker? We've just made progress, that's all. Brought you back from catalepsy. We'll free you of Anansa eventually.”
Still she was silent, staring at the rain-gray window.
“You don't have to be embarrassed about pretending to be completely cured. It was very kind of you. It made me feel very good for a little while. But I'm a grown-up. I can cope with a little disappointment. Besides, you're awake, you're back, and that's all that matters.” Grown-up, hell! I was terribly disappointed, and ashamed that I wasn't more sincere in what I was saying. No cure after all. No hero. No magic. No great achievement. Just a psychologist who was, after all, not extraordinary.
But I refused to pay too much attention to those feelings. Be a professional, I told myself. She needs your help.
“So don't go feeling guilty about it.”
She turned back to face me, her eyes full. “Guilty?” She almost smiled. “Guilty.” Her eyes did not leave my face, though I doubted she could see me well through the tears brimming her lashes.
“You tried to do the right thing,” I said.
“Did I? Did I really?” She smiled bitterly. It was a
strange smile for her, and for a terrible moment she no longer looked like my Elaine, my bright young patient. “I meant to stay with her,” she said. “I wanted her with me, she was so alive, and when she finally joined herself to the ship, she sang and danced and swung her arms, and I said, âThis is what I've needed; this is what I've craved all my centuries lost in the songs.' But then I heard
you
.”
“Anansa,” I said, realizing at that moment who was with me.
“I heard
you
, crying out to her. Do you think I made up my mind quickly? She heard you, but she wouldn't come. She wouldn't trade her new arms and legs for anything. They were so new. But I'd had them for long enough. What I'd never had wasâyou.”
“Where is she?” I asked.
“Out there,” she said. “She sings better than I ever did.” She looked wistful for a moment, then smiled ruefully. “And I'm here. Only I made a bad bargain, didn't I? Because I didn't fool you. You won't want me, now. It's Elaine you want, and she's gone. I left her alone out there. She won't mind, not for a long time. But thenâthen she will. Then she'll know I cheated her.”
The voice was Elaine's voice, the tragic little body her body. But now I knew I had not succeeded at all. Elaine was gone, in the infinite outer space where the mind hides to escape from itself. And in her placeâAnansa. A stranger.
“You cheated her?” I said. “How did you cheat her?”
“It never changes. In a while you learn all the songs, and they never change. Nothing moves. You go on forever until all the stars fail, and yet nothing ever moves.”
I moved my hand and put it to my hair. I was startled at my own trembling touch on my head.
“Oh, God,” I said. They were just words, not a supplication.
“You hate me,” she said.
Hate her? Hate my little, mad Elaine? Oh, no. I had another object for my hate. I hated the rain that had cut her off from all that kept her sane. I hated her parents for not leaving her home the day they let their car drive them on to death. But most of all I remembered my days of hiding from Elaine, my days of resisting her need, of pretending that I didn't remember her or think of her or need her, too. She must have wondered why I was so long in coming. Wondered and finally given up hope, finally realized that there was no one who would hold her. And so she left, and when I finally came, the only person waiting inside her body was Anansa, the imaginary friend who had come, terrifyingly, to life. I knew whom to hate. I thought I would cry. I even buried my face in the sheet where her leg would have been. But I did not cry. I just sat there, the sheet harsh against my face, hating myself.
Her voice was like a gentle hand, a pleading hand touching me. “I'd undo it if I could,” she said. “But I can't. She's gone, and I'm here. I came because of you. I came to see the trees and the grass and the birds and your smile. The happily ever after. That was what she had lived for, you know, all she lived for. Please smile at me.”
I felt warmth on my hair. I lifted my head. There was no rain in the window. Sunlight rose and fell on the wrinkles of the sheet.
“Let's go outside,” I said.
“It stopped raining,” she said.
“A bit late, isn't it?” I answered. But I smiled at her.
“You can call me Elaine,” she said. “You won't tell, will you?”
I shook my head. No, I wouldn't tell. She was safe
enough. I wouldn't tell because then they would take her away to a place where psychiatrists reigned but did not know enough to rule. I imagined her confined among others who had also made their escape from reality and I knew that I couldn't tell anyone. I also knew I couldn't confess failure, not now.
Besides, I hadn't really completely failed. There was still hope. Elaine wasn't really gone. She was still there, hidden in her own mind, looking out through this imaginary person she had created to take her place. Someday I would find her and bring her home. After all, even Grunty the ice pig had melted.
I noticed that she was shaking her head. “You won't find her,” she said. “You won't bring her home. I won't melt and disappear. She
is
gone and you couldn't have prevented it.”
I smiled. “Elaine,” I said.
And then I realized that she had answered thoughts I hadn't put into words.
“That's right,” she said, “let's be honest with each other. You might as well. You can't lie to me.”
I shook my head. For a moment, in my confusion and despair, I had believed it all, believed that Anansa was real. But that was nonsense. Of course Elaine knew what I was thinking. She knew me better than I knew myself. “Let's go outside,” I said. A failure and a cripple, out to enjoy the sunlight, which fell equally on the just and the unjustifiable.
“I don't mind,” she said. “Whatever you want to believe: Elaine or Anansa. Maybe it's better if you still look for Elaine. Maybe it's better if you let me fool you after all.”
The worst thing about the fantasies of the mentally ill is that they're so damned consistent. They never let up. They never give you any rest.
“I'm Elaine,” she said, smiling. “I'm Elaine, pretending
to be Anansa. You love me. That's what I came for. You promised to bring me home, and you did. Take me outside. You made it stop raining for me. You did everything you promised, and I'm home again, and I promise I'll never leave you.”
She hasn't left me. I come to see her every Wednesday as part of my work, and every Saturday and Sunday as the best part of my life. I take her driving with me sometimes, and we talk constantly, and I read to her and bring her books for the nurses to read to her. None of them know that she is still unwellâto them she's Elaine, happier than ever, pathetically delighted at every sight and sound and smell and taste and every texture that they touch against her cheek. Only
I
know that she believes she is not Elaine. Only
I
know that I have made no progress at all since then, that in moments of terrible honesty I call her Anansa, and she sadly answers me.
But in a way I'm content. Very little has changed between us, really. And after a few weeks I realized, with certainty, that she was happier now than she had ever been before. After all, she had the best of all possible worlds, for her. She could tell herself that the real Elaine was off in space somewhere, dancing and singing and hearing songs, with arms and legs at last, while the poor girl who was confined to the limbless body at the Millard County Rest Home was really an alien who was very, very happy to have even that limited body.
And as for me, I kept my commitment to her, and I'm happier for it. I'm still humanâI still take another woman into my bed from time to time. But Anansa doesn't mind. She even suggested it, only a few days after she woke up. “Go back to Belinda sometimes,” she said. “Belinda loves you, too, you know. I won't mind at all.” I still can't remember when I spoke to her
of Belinda, but at least she didn't mind, and so there aren't really any discontentments in my life. Except.