The Christmas Light (14 page)

“Ready?” Gloria asks.

Miriam sticks her head through a sanctuary door, watching people file into their seats. “My body is covered with a sort of mist.”

Gloria looks at her, dumbfounded. “You mean you’re sweating?”

“Don’t be crass, Gloria! I’m misting.”

Jennifer, Lily, and Ryan stand in the lobby and greet people as they stamp snow off their shoes at the front door and await their cue from Miriam to bring in the angel choir.

Lily smiles as Kaylee and her parents walk through the door, brushing snow from their scarves and coats. “You came,” Lily says, hugging her. “Hi, I’m Lily,” she says to Kaylee’s parents. Her mom smiles and it’s Kaylee’s mouth. Her eyes are from her dad.

“She’s told us about you,” her mom says, gripping Lily’s hand. “I’m Joni. This is my husband, Ben.”

“Here,” Lily says, reaching for three candles. “These are for ‘Silent Night,’ the final song.” She looks at Kaylee. “Maybe I’ll see you after.”

“Is Stephen here?” Kaylee asks.

Lily nods. “He’s helping in the back, keeping the smallest members of the angel choir entertained.” She looks at Joni and Ben. “It takes a village.” She walks them to the doors of the sanctuary. “Sit anywhere you’re comfortable.”

A man with a guitar takes his place at the front and begins to play “What Child Is This?” as the crowd filters in. The look of terror in Miriam’s eyes tells Lily, Jen, and Ryan that it’s time to line up the choir, as she takes the actors to their places. The thirty-member choir looks lovely in their silvery, white, and gold robes. They are careful to keep their candles upright. Avery, Sofia, and the other children are shiny and vibrant and their faces radiant, even the Ramsey triplets with their messy hair and dirty tennis shoes. “Sing out! Sing out!” Miriam mouths from across the lobby. The triplets mimic her and she claps her hands together one final time to get their attention. She raises an eyebrow and then smiles, standing up straight as she wants them to do. She races toward the shepherds, where a camouflage shirt can be seen beneath one of their robes. Miriam tucks and pins and makes a noise like a growl.

“We climbed out of the tree stands early so we could get here on time,” one of them says, in a sheepish whisper.

She looks him and the others over, a ragamuffin group of hunters with hairy faces and rough hands, who undoubtedly would have been called upon by angels on that night so long ago, and smiles, giving him a solid pat on the shoulder. Pastor Bill can be heard welcoming everyone to Grandon Community and blessing them with the peace of Christmas. The musicians begin the music for “Sing Noel” and the choir hits the first note, clean and sharp, just as they have practiced, and they file into the sanctuary, lining the walls and the aisles, the candles lighting their faces in the darkened church. One of the triplets, Miriam has no idea if it is number one, two, or three, catches a glimpse of the choir’s shadows on the walls and holds his fingers up behind his candle to make shadow puppets. The other triplets join in as the adult choir members nearby try to stop them. Miriam waves at them from the back of the church and groans when several audience members begin to giggle.

The choir remains in place for “O Holy Night” and Kaylee gazes at the faces around her, listening. They don’t look like a religious crowd, whatever that means, but there is a sense that, even amid the giggling and the shadow puppets, that this is somehow a holy time and a holy place. It’s a feeling she can’t describe but it sits there, stirring just under her chest. She looks at the faces of the angel choir, the lean, the dark skinned, the round middles, the high-bridged noses holding glasses, and the bright eyes of children. One child with pale skin and a mass of red curls catches her attention, standing in the aisle next to her row. The girl seems to peer into Kaylee’s eyes and the eyes around her, as if she’s looking for someone. Her face is bright, huge and full, earnest with searching. Was it this face? Or perhaps that one? For whatever reason, her little face grips Kaylee because in that fleeting moment, she realizes the child isn’t looking for someone after all but actually sees the face she’s looking for. The face is here in her seat and right next to her in her mom and dad’s seats, standing in the doorway, looking for an empty spot, or walking the streets in a drunken stupor. The child seems to see the face that Kaylee is searching for, the one the pastor just moments before called Immanuel, God with us. The face she’s looking for was there at the beginning and is here now, looking for her and the others around her, calling each name and extending His hand through the sounds of this angel choir. The little girl moves on, her voice touching Kaylee’s arm and her mother’s hair.

Mary and Joseph say each of their lines in such a way that Miriam feels her face beaming, but as she watches the scene unfold, she notices strands of long orange hair fall onto Audrey’s shoulder. When Audrey reaches for the baby, her costume moves ever so slightly and reveals the tiger’s head on Audrey’s neck.

“The tiger’s out,” she whispers, hissing at Gloria. “The mother of Jesus looks like a carnival act from Bethlehem!” Gloria covers her mouth and Miriam’s eyes flame. “This is not funny, Gloria! It’s tragic!”

“No one is looking at her tattoo,” Gloria says. “They’re listening to her.”

Miriam stands on her tiptoes to see the audience’s reaction. They are listening. Even the triplets, who are swaying back and forth to some unheard Christmas song inside their heads, are listening.

For a moment or an hour or two, the gloom of cynicism and doubt are pushed back a little, as the scenes of Mary and Joseph, the shepherds struck by wonder, and the angels who lit up the sky with blazing light, play out as either myth or something worth believing. Kaylee catches Lily’s eye, standing with Stephen, back in the doorway. They believe with all their hearts; she can tell.

“Listen to me!” the Angel of the Lord shouts. “
The
baby of all babies has been born!” Miriam flinches at the sheer volume of his voice but the audience applauds. Triplet One takes a bow and then waves his finger in the air as if this proclamation is one that should go on and on.

As the notes of “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing” soar to the ceiling, Kaylee wonders how even an unbeliever can’t believe in something, especially at this time of year. There
is
peace on earth, somewhere. There
is
goodwill toward men in many places throughout the earth. There
are
dreams and hopes. The wonder of being a child
does
exist, along with new beginnings and the great light of Christmas. Here, among these people, she feels it. Her throat tightens and she stifles a cry. She reaches for her belly and gasps.

“Are you okay?” her mother whispers.

“Yeah, just a weird pain.” Her face registers shock and is twisted in a grimace.

Her mom looks at her dad and says, “Grab our coats. We need to go.”

“No,” Kaylee whispers. “I’m fine. I want to hear the last few songs.” The choir begins to sing “Jesus, Oh What a Wonderful Child” and Kaylee relaxes, the pain subsiding.

The shepherds and angels have gathered around the stable and Mary smiles. Miriam realizes, watching Mary struggle as she holds the baby, that she never had Audrey practice holding a live baby. It was always a doll. The baby reaches for Audrey’s costume and pulls it down off her head, revealing the entire tiger’s head. Audrey is too busy trying to keep the baby still to worry about her costume. Miriam touches her face and realizes that sweat is dripping down her temples. She is appalled and flinches as she dabs at the sweat with the sleeve of her angora sweater.

As the choir begins “Go Tell It on the Mountain,” Bunker makes his way to the center of the stage. Miriam holds her breath as he opens his mouth. The sound is that of a dog whining for supper but Bunker catches the tune before it turns into a long, bellowing howl and sways to the music. The audience applauds his effort and he pumps a fist into the air. As the last notes fade, Kaylee reaches for her stomach again.

“Okay, that’s it,” her mom says. “We need to go.”

“Mom, I really want to hear this.”

“We can move to the lobby and you can listen there.” Her mom’s eyes are sincere and urgent and Kaylee stands, making her way out of the row with her parents.

“I’m fine,” Kaylee says, as her dad opens the door for the lobby. “I just felt weird in there for a—” She grabs her belly again and reaches for her dad’s arm. “What’s happening?”

“Ben! Get the car!”

“I really want to hear the end,” Kaylee says, her breath coming in short gasps.

“Sweetie, you are in labor. We have to go.”

Kaylee looks around, her eyes scanning the lobby. “I want to find Lily. She was standing at the door on the other side. Mom, please!”

Joni rushes to the other side of the lobby in an effort to find Lily. “Is Lily here?” she asks, in the direction of Jennifer and Ryan, hoping someone will volunteer to help.

“She was just here,” Jennifer says.

“My daughter is in labor and wants to see her.”

Jennifer races inside the sanctuary and Ryan keeps step with Joni, as she runs to Kaylee. “That’s our car,” Joni says to Ryan, looking outside.

Ryan takes hold of Kaylee’s arm as Joni takes the other and they usher her toward the exit. Ryan is helping her into the car when Jennifer, Lily, and Stephen bound through the doors. “Please get her to the hospital on time,” Ryan says, starting to close the car door, but when Kaylee sees Lily, she reaches out to stop him.

“That was beautiful. In there,” Kaylee says.

Lily smiles. “It was, wasn’t it?” Kaylee’s face scrunches in pain and Lily grabs her arm. “Go! Go!”

“Please come,” Kaylee says, between breaths. “Both of you. You have to be there!”

Lily looks at Stephen and his eyes are huge and surprised. “Of course we’ll come. We’ll be there as soon as we can,” Lily says.

Kaylee shakes her head. “You have to come now. You have to come inside the delivery room.”

Lily looks at Stephen, Ryan, and Jennifer. “That’s very sweet but your parents—”

Kaylee grabs her hand. “You need to be there for the birth of your baby.”

“What? I—”

“You’ll be there, right?”

“Yes! Yes!” Lily shouts, closing the door.

Lily and Stephen and Jen and Ryan watch as the car pulls away. Inside the church, the message of the birth of
the
child into the darkness of the world is ending, as a new light is about to shine. They don’t fold their arms against the cold or brush the snow from their sweaters or wipe it from their hair but rather begin to laugh in the chill.

*   *   *

Lily and Stephen are directed to the fourth floor and race past the nurses’ station, draped with tinsel and ornaments, and through the halls where they see Kaylee and her parents. “The doctor said I need to try to walk,” Kaylee says. “I don’t know why. I never liked taking walks before so why would I like it when I’m this pregnant?”

Lily laughs and wraps her arms around Kaylee. Her eyes are full and she smiles, shaking her head. “I don’t even know where to—”

“Please, let’s go inside,” Ben says, motioning to a room. He helps Kaylee to the bed and Joni props the pillows behind her back.

“That day I saw you at the bakery, you were meeting with a woman from the adoption agency,” Kaylee says.

“Dorothy,” Stephen says.

“I didn’t know her but Mom and I were headed to the adoption agency after lunch that day. We walked right into Dorothy’s office and I knew immediately why you were meeting with her and I knew that I wanted you to have my baby.”

Tears fall faster than Lily can keep up with and she grabs Kaylee’s hand, sitting next to her on the bed. “When I met you I assumed you were keeping the baby.”

“I thought that for a while, but every time I thought it I also thought, ‘You’re sixteen. What do you know about raising a kid?’” She looks at her mom and Joni’s eyes are wet. “And my parents are still raising theirs. I knew that somebody was out there who would love the baby. I just didn’t know who. But then I met you.” Lily laughs through her tears and wipes at them with her finger. Ben reaches for the tissues and hands her the box. “On that very first night I met you, you said that I had followed a nudge to the church. I think I did, too.”

Lily blows her nose and looks up at Ben and Joni and then at Kaylee. “I thought you were due in February.”

“That’s what the doctor thought but I never could give a date of when I got pregnant. In the last three weeks, he said the baby would definitely be here sooner and that’s when I knew I had to get to the adoption agency.” She smiles, looking at Stephen. “I hope you’re ready to be parents.”

He steps next to the bed. “We’ve been ready. We’ve been waiting a long time.” He looks at Kaylee and works at keeping his face on straight. “Thank you.”

Ben and Joni struggle to smile. This is their first grandchild and they know they won’t be a part of its life, not in the way they’d always imagined, and that’s a hurt they’ll have to learn to live with—a part of their hearts will be missing. They look at one another and at Kaylee and a tear sneaks out of Joni’s eye. Kaylee will remember this day and think of this child so many times throughout her life. How could such an exciting time feel so sad?

Kaylee has that feeling beneath her chest again, the one she had as the Angel of the Lord said, “Listen to me!
The
baby of all babies has been born!” and she holds her mother’s hand, letting tears fill her eyes.

SIXTEEN

Grief never ends … But it changes. It’s a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith. It is the price of love.

—A
UTHOR
U
NKNOWN

Gloria and Marshall’s house is filled with angel choir members, along with “Joseph” and his real wife, Lucie, and “Mary” and her boyfriend, Liam. Members of the hunting club stand by the fire discussing four-wheelers, land leases, and compound bows while the Ramsey triplets shake presents beneath the tree. “Andrew, if you unwrap other people’s presents,” Miriam says, passing through to the kitchen, “you end up on Santa’s naughty list for life.” The triplets unhand the gifts and follow her to the cookies.