The Collected Poems of Ted Berrigan (70 page)

Speaking of that, what do you think about solitaire in the drunk tank of a southern jail, jerks? (Gives audience the finger). Believe me, when I was younger, nobody would even dream of refusing to die for his country, and I mean that sincerely. As you may know, I grew up in Anaheim, Azusa, and Cucamonga. Also in Las Vegas. And Brooklyn. Anybody out there from Brooklyn? (Gives audience the finger again). I’ll never forget the first girl I dated. She was so buck-toothed that she ate corn on the cob through a picket fence! She grew up to be my close friend, Liza Minelli. She once told me a funny story about the Pope meeting Bo Derek on a train. Then she married me, so lets give her a big hand! (Gives audience the finger w / both hands). Now, as I’ve grown a little older, I’m just thankful for all you other women out there, and for my hotel room, which is so small the mice are all hunchbacks.

Say, here’s a joke for you. A fella goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doc, I imagine I’m a rabbit.” So the psychiatrist says, “That’s nothing. My wife ran off with our marriage counselor.” How come nobody’s laughing at this material? There are hungry children in Asia who would gladly trade places with you.

Incidentally, before I finish my act, I’ve been asked by several of you to add a little class to this routine by doing some gay Polish jokes. (Gives audience the finger). But what I’d really like to do is leave you with a bit of wisdom that was
passed on to me by Sammy Davis, Senior. When I told him I was going into show business, he just smiled, and said, “The devil may wear many coats, but all of them need mending.”

Are there any other psychotics out there? (Gives audience the finger viciously, first to the left side of the room, then to the center, and then to the right side).

I hope you’ll remember that, as I have. Thank you, and God bless.

There’s nothing new under the sun, and

There’s nothing new under the rock, either.

It’s very interesting

but

The Buddha-minds are freaked out—

translate

Snake

into

Pea

Turn around

Look at me.

It is 1934. Edmund

Wilson is going to Russia

Next year. There’s a brunette

Dwarf asleep in his bed. Scarlatina.

Bedbugs. Dear Henry Allen Moe:

Can you wire me a $100 loan, to Paris?

I have learned everything I can here.

253 lbs later, it is May, 1983.

Did Henry Allen Moe get burned?

Tomorrow I will need $50, Summer Camp

for Sonny, & supper. I can hear

my own voice on the telephone: hello, Ed?

(Edward Halsey Foster) Hi, Ed. Got any dollars?

Today I am 48 years, 5 months and 16 days old,

In perfect health. May Day.

“This movie has Fred Astaire and Robert Ryan in it!

“He got off the train!

“I have a feeling this is an unknown movie.”

(laughs) Q: “What the hell is going on?”

A: (laughing) “Dialogue.

“This movie has no plot.

“Fred Astaire was on this train with a whole lot

of soldiers, going to Japan. And then, he got off

the train!

“Robert Ryan keeps saying, ‘Let’s kill Japs,’ &

Fred Astaire keeps saying, ‘Fuck that.’

“He fell in love with her!

Q: “Who?”

A: “Joan Leslie. She’s a photographer. There

keeps being a whole lot of stuff by Johnny

Mercer.”

Q: “Joan Leslie is just my type. Is she?”

A: “Un-uh. Fred Astaire is nobody’s type, either.