The Color of Secrets (17 page)

The two letters had fallen onto the carpet. She picked them up, smoothed them out, and laid them side by side on the table. Then, with a deep breath, she sat back, hands clasped together in her lap. The least she could do was hear Eddie out.

Chapter 18

Nothing could have prepared Eva for the horror of what Eddie had to tell her. As he related what had happened after his capture by the Japanese, she got the impression that he was leaving out as much as he was telling, that there were many things he found too harrowing to talk about.

He described how he had clung to life by a thread, drifting for days in the South China Sea after the prison transport ship was torpedoed. She watched his face soften as he talked about the American submarine crew who had rescued him.

“They took me to a hospital camp at their base,” he said. “I was in a terrible state. Out of my mind half the time from the seawater I’d drunk and the medication they’d given me for my wounds. I was looked after by an American soldier called Granville. He couldn’t do enough for me, Eva. Treated me like royalty.” He cleared his throat. Eva could see that he was fighting back tears. “It was terrible, what they did to him.”

After everything he’d told her, she was almost afraid to ask what had happened.

“They shot him,” Eddie said. “One of his own side shot him, just for talking to a woman.”

Eva shook her head, uncomprehending.

“He was a colored man.” Eddie looked at her, his eyes brimming. “He hadn’t done anything wrong. He was just chatting with one of the nurses—a white woman—at a party they were holding at the base, and someone shot him. No one would own up to it and as far as I know, no one’s ever taken the rap.”

Eva blinked, her mind flooded with images of that awful, wonderful first night at the Civic Hall. And then this man, this patient, compassionate black soldier, had been shot dead for doing far less than she had done with Bill.

“So you see,” she heard Eddie say, “when Cathy told me the baby’s father was a colored man, it all seemed to make sense. I felt as if, somehow, it was all meant to be. Louisa’s not Granville’s baby, but she
could
have been—do you see? He looked after me, and now I can look after her.”

Eva nodded mechanically. Put like that, it made perfect sense. Anyone listening to what Eddie had just said would applaud him for such incredible generosity of spirit. But the sentiment, however admirable, lacked one very important consideration. To him, Bill was just another colored soldier. Just a faceless name. Did Eddie think their relationship had been nothing more than a one-night stand? That whatever had happened between them was meaningless now that he was back on the scene?

“I hear what you’re saying.” She paused, choosing her words carefully. “I can’t get over how unselfish you’re being: to take on another man’s child, it’s—”

“It’s nothing,” he cut in. “I know I’ll grow to love her just as much as David, if you’ll let me.”

“If I’ll
let
you?”

“Yes. Obviously it’s your decision. I know it’s been a terrible shock, seeing me again when you thought I was dead. I don’t know what your plans were.” He looked down, avoiding her eyes. “Were you planning to marry him when the war’s over?”

“I
. . .
” she hesitated, not knowing how to answer him. In his letter Bill had never mentioned marriage. He had said he missed her. Was that the same? An awful thought occurred to her: What if he had just been buttering her up in the hope of persuading her to send Louisa to the States, with no real intention of sending for her later?

“I
. . .
we hadn’t really made any plans,” she stammered. “I
. . .
need time to think about all this, Eddie. It’s been such a shock.”

“Of course you do.” He reached out his hand, as if to pat her knee, but suddenly withdrew it. “Why don’t you go back to Wolverhampton for a couple of days? Talk to Cathy—she seemed a sensible sort of woman. It’ll help you get things straight in your mind.”

She searched his face. “Wolverhampton?” It seemed like the other side of the world to her now.

“I’ll help with the farm, and I’m sure Rhiannon won’t mind looking after the children.”

“The children?” She had assumed they would be going with her.

Eddie smiled. “I’m sure you could do with a break,” he said. “And you didn’t think I’d let young David out of my sight so soon, when I’ve only just got him back, did you? I know he’s scared of me, but he’ll soon get used to his funny old dad!”

Eva suddenly saw that the choice he was giving her was no real choice at all. If she chose to leave him—chose to go in search of Bill—it would be without David. Even if she sneaked away in the middle of the night, ran off with the children to another town, she would never be able to leave the country without his permission. She would never be able to find Bill, let alone marry him.

“Eva? Are you all right? You look very pale.”

She felt sick. “I need some air,” she said, rising unsteadily from the couch. “I won’t be a minute. Could you make us another pot of tea? Mine’s gone cold.” She didn’t want tea, but it would stop him from following her. She needed to be alone to think things through.

She leaned against the farm gate, weak with emotion. She felt like a caged animal, doomed to be chained forever to this man who was like a stranger to her now. But how could she abandon someone who had endured so much suffering? He had a right to his family, of course he did. It would be utterly heartless to turn him away. Could she be that cruel? Could she let him stay, even though her heart wasn’t in it? She heard a cry and turned to see David running up the track toward her, Rhiannon following a few yards behind with Louisa asleep in her arms.

“Mam!” David hurtled into her legs, hugging them tightly. She scooped him up and held him close, tears spilling from her eyes onto his rosy cheeks. “Why you crying, Mam?”

“Oh, I’m just sad because your daddy’s been away such a long time.” She gulped, trying to compose herself before Rhiannon reached them. “Don’t be scared of him, will you? He’s been very brave and we’ve all got to be extra specially nice to him.”

David nodded, as if he understood. “Shall we make him a cake?”

“Yes, my love, if you want to.” She wiped her face with her fingers, fresh tears running down the back of her hand.

Rhiannon took one look at her and stopped short. “What are you going to do?” she said, her face taut with emotion.

“I
. . .
don’t
. . .
know.” The words were punctuated with sobs.

It was late afternoon on the following Friday when Eva’s train drew into Wolverhampton station. She fixed her eyes on the magazine on her lap, knowing that the sights and sounds of the place were going to bring painful memories flooding back.

She felt lost without the children, although she’d only been away from them a few hours. She had made Rhiannon promise to have David sleep in her bed and not let him out of her sight while she was away. He had cried when Eva told him she was going away for the weekend, but Eddie had cheered him up by saying he could help him milk the cows.

Over the past few days David had overcome his suspicion of Eddie. Eva could see how good it was for the boy to have a man in his life. Uncle Dai had filled the role temporarily, but he did little more these days than sit sleeping in his chair. David had begun following Eddie around the farm the way he used to follow Dai.

But the atmosphere at the farm had been tense and awkward. Eddie had kept his distance, sleeping in cousin Trefor’s old room, and for that she had been grateful. Aunt Rhiannon had made no reference to their sleeping arrangements, but the situation was clearly taking its toll on her, worn out as she already was with the strain of running the farm and coping with a sick husband. Eva knew without asking that her aunt would be delighted if she and Eddie were reunited.

She took a deep breath as she stepped off the train. As she walked toward the exit, she kept her eyes down, praying she wouldn’t bump into any of the women from the rail gang. She knew she wouldn’t be able to face the inevitable interrogation about where she had been for the past six months.

She managed to get safely outside and hurried along the few streets that separated the station from Cathy’s house. It was hard not to remember the many times she had walked these streets with Bill. She was glad she didn’t have to go past the Civic Hall, the air-raid shelter, or the restaurant where they’d met that last time. She hoped she could avoid the town center over the next two days. Catching even the briefest glimpse of those places would be too painful to bear. And she would try to avoid going back to the old house. That would be too full of memories of her mother.

Wolverhampton was a place of ghosts, but she needed space to work out what she was going to do. And Cathy was the only person she could talk to, the only person who knew Bill and had witnessed the way things had been between them.

As she turned the corner into the road where Cathy lived, she caught sight of her in the front-room window. Eva ran the last few yards and the door flew open. The two women hugged each other before either of them spoke.

“You look really well!” Cathy sounded surprised. “I was so worried about you, doing all that heavy work on the farm with a new baby to look after—but I think the country air’s done you good!”

Eva gave a wry smile. She hadn’t eaten much over the past few days, and she thought she looked awful. She must have looked pretty terrible when she left Wolverhampton if Cathy thought she saw an improvement.

“The kettle’s just boiled,” Cathy said, taking her coat. “Mikey’s gone next door for his tea, so we can have a good chat. Are you hungry?”

Eva shook her head. She’d had nothing but a slice of toast for breakfast, but she felt too churned up to eat. She followed Cathy into the kitchen. The last time she had been in this room was the day her mother died. She swallowed hard, determined not to give way to the surge of grief.

“I was on my way to Wales, you know, the day Eddie came back.” Cathy glanced at Eva as she reached for the kettle. “I was at your house when the telegram arrived saying he was alive. I wanted to tell you myself because I thought it would be too much of a shock for you to get the news in a letter. I kicked myself afterwards. It must have been a million times worse, him turning up out of the blue like that.”

Eva shook her head. “It wasn’t your fault. It would have been a shock however I found out about it. I don’t suppose it would have made a lot of difference if I’d been warned in advance.”

Cathy spooned tea from a silver caddy into a small brown teapot. “How do you feel now that you’ve had a few days to get used to him being back?”

Eva hesitated before replying. “I don’t know. I feel sorry for him most of all. Did he tell you what happened to him?”

Cathy nodded, pouring water onto the leaves. “I don’t know how he got through it. He must be incredibly tough.”

“Did he tell you about the soldier who looked after him when he was rescued? The one who got shot?”

Cathy’s eyes widened as Eva related it. “I couldn’t understand how he could be so calm about Bill being
. . .
you know.” She set a cup of tea down in front of Eva. “What did you say, when he suggested adopting Louisa?”

“I didn’t know what to say.” Eva stared into her teacup, trying to remember how she’d felt as she lay on the couch at the farm listening to Eddie. Although it was only days ago, it felt like an eternity. “I was in a daze at that point. I remember lashing out at him when he showed me the letter he’d sent to Bill. After that, he did all the talking. That’s when he suggested I come here to talk things over with you.”

“
He
suggested it?”

“Yes. That was another surprise—until I realized what was behind it.”

Cathy paused, her teacup on its way to her lips. “What do you mean?”

Eva let out a long breath. “He was giving me a glimpse of what would happen if I didn’t agree to take him back.” Her fingers traced the curve of the handle of her cup. “I’d told him I needed time to think it through. I’d hardly got the words out when he said yes, I probably needed a break to get over the shock. And in the next breath he said he’d look after the children while I was away. He was smiling at me, but he was deadly serious: said he had no intention of letting David out of his sight when he’d only just seen him again.”

“Well, you can’t blame him for that, surely?”

“No, of course I don’t. But by sending me off to Wolverhampton, alone, he was showing me the consequences of the choice I have to make. He’s made it crystal clear that if I try to find Bill, I’ll have to leave David behind.”

“Oh Eva! He can’t do that, can he?”

“He can.” Eva buried her head in her hands. “Imagine it, Cathy: even if I ran away and took the children with me, I’d never get them both out of the country. I’d have to get Eddie to divorce me before I could marry Bill, which I doubt he’d do, and even then he’d never give permission for David to go to America.”

Cathy nodded slowly. “I hadn’t thought of that. I was going to offer to put the three of you up here for a while, if that’s what you wanted, but
. . .
” She gave a hopeless sigh. “What are you going to do?”

Eva pursed her lips. “What would you do in my shoes?”

“Heavens, there are so many unknowns, aren’t there? I mean, what about Bill? What do you think he’ll do when he gets Eddie’s letter?”