The Color of Secrets (18 page)

“I’ve thought about that a lot,” Eva said. “My first instinct was to write to him straightaway: tell him to ignore what Eddie had said.”

“But you didn’t?”

“No. It dawned on me that I should wait. See how he reacts. If he really wants me and the baby, he’ll put up some sort of fight, won’t he?” She raised the teacup from the saucer, then put it down again. “You asked me once if he’d mentioned marriage and I fudged around it, remember?”

Cathy nodded.

“Well, he hasn’t. In that last letter all he wrote about was getting the baby over to the States. There was no plan for us, for a future together. I don’t even know whether he intended for me to ever see her again.”

Cathy reached across to pour more tea into Eva’s cup. “So you’re going to wait and see what he does? But for how long?”

“That’s the problem. The way things are going, they say the war could be over by next spring. I know there’s not a lot he can do until then, and I would never have sent Louisa over to the States on her own, anyway.” Eva reached for the milk jug, her hand unsteady as she poured a few drops into her cup. “There’s only one way we can ever be together, Cathy, and that’s for him to come and live in this country.”

Cathy looked at her. “Do you think that’s possible? I suppose he might be allowed to, but would he want to?”

“That’s the question.” Eva raked her hair with her fingers. “That’s what I’ve been asking myself over and over again.” Her eyes began to blur with tears.

Cathy reached out to put a hand on her arm. “I don’t know what to suggest. You’re in an impossible position, aren’t you?”

Eva nodded. “All I can do is wait.”

“And in the meantime?”

“I think I owe it to Eddie to let him get to know David, don’t you?”

“Well, that seems only fair after what he’s been through.” Cathy nodded. “But how will you manage? Will you come back to Wolverhampton?”

“Rhiannon wants us to stay at the farm.”

“Is that what you want?”

“I think Eddie would like it. I think he’d see it as a fresh start. If we came back here, there’d be so much explaining to do.” She looked away. “I don’t mean any offense, Cathy, but I don’t think I could bear coming back here to live. Just walking to your house from the station
. . .
it brought everything back.” She swallowed hard, determined not to cry. “Dilys wants to keep the house for now, so if Bill does write
. . .
” she paused, realizing how desperate she must sound. “Would you mind carrying on collecting the mail for me?”

“Of course I will.” Cathy drained her cup. Replacing it in the saucer, she gave Eva a perplexed look.

“What is it?”

“I hardly dare ask. I was wondering what you’re going to do if Eddie wants to
. . .
”

Eva sighed. “God knows. I can’t even bear to think about it. I’m hoping he’ll accept that I need time to get used to him being back.”

“And if he doesn’t? How long do you think you can keep that up?”

“As long as possible.”

“And then?”

Eva stared at the table. “I suppose I’ll do whatever it takes to keep the peace until I know where I stand with Bill. I’m petrified of him running off somewhere with David. I’ve had nightmares about it.”

“Surely he wouldn’t do that?”

“How do I know what he might be capable of? He’s a different man, Cathy.” She shook her head. “If there was only me to consider, I’d just stay at the farm with Dai and Rhiannon and tell him to leave, tell him the marriage was over. But it’s not just about me anymore, is it? How could I face David in a few years’ time if he found out his daddy had come back from the war and I’d sent him away?”

“And what about Louisa?” Cathy asked. “What will you tell her when she grows up?”

“I’ll tell her I loved her father very much,” Eva whispered. “Whatever happens, I’ll tell her that.”

Chapter 19

J
ULY 1946

Cathy stared at the box on her kitchen table. It was neatly wrapped in brown paper and string. Amazing to think it had come all that way in such pristine condition. The stamps gave it a splash of color—three of them, all bearing the Stars and Stripes. Just looking at them made her feel nervous. Was it really possible that Bill had decided to make contact after all this time? There was no sender’s address on the packaging. But who else could have sent Eva a parcel from America?

She had collected the box from the post office that afternoon, having called at Eva’s old house for what would be the last time. Dilys had been back the previous week to sort out the last of the family’s belongings before moving to Holland to marry Anton. Cathy was glad she had chosen to marry quietly in his hometown. A wedding in Wolverhampton would have been hard for Eva; a reminder of what she had wished for with Bill. As it was, the distance provided a convenient excuse for her not to attend the ceremony. And Dilys had not minded. All she seemed to care about was becoming Mrs. Anton Barnhart as swiftly as possible.

The house had looked very strange. All the furniture had gone: some given away, the odd good piece shipped to Holland. Eva hadn’t seemed interested in claiming any of it for herself. All that was left was a box of photographs Cathy had promised to send on, and, lying on the mat, a note from the postman saying that he had tried to deliver a parcel the previous day.

She wished there was some way of telephoning Eva. Today was Friday and Cathy knew the post was delivered to the farm on Tuesdays. So if she wrote straightaway, she could let Eva know she was planning to take the parcel to Aberystwyth on her day off next Thursday. She hoped two days’ notice would be enough for Eva to cook up some excuse to come and meet her.

She sat down to write the letter, wondering how Eva would react when she received it. In her last few letters she hadn’t even mentioned Bill. It must have been so painful for her when first VE-day and then VJ-day came and went with no word from him. She had no way of knowing if he was dead or alive.
In a way
, Cathy thought,
it would have been better for Eva if Bill was dead. Better than knowing he was alive and didn’t care.

Last Christmas Eva had written of her mixed feelings for Eddie. At a time when so many families were feeling the loss of husbands and fathers so keenly, she knew she should be very grateful that he had come home. Cathy got the impression that things had become less strained between them. Eva had said how good Eddie was with both of the children and how much easier things were on the farm now that he had taken on so much of the work. But she had also mentioned how she’d cried when Louisa said her first word, because it was “Dad.”

There were still American soldiers serving overseas. Not all had returned home when the hostilities ended. They were needed to rebuild the places they had bombed. Cathy knew that Eva was still clinging to the hope that Bill was one of these; that he was not yet in a position to come looking for her. But in the past few months the impression given by Eva’s letters was that she had finally begun to put him out of her mind and pick up the pieces of her life with Eddie.

And now this.

Cathy looked at the parcel, desperately wanting to rip it open, to spare her friend’s feelings. What if it was Bill’s personal effects, willed to her in the absence of any relatives to claim them?

Her hand reached toward the package, but then she pulled it away. She had no right to interfere. She must take it to Eva unopened, whatever the consequences.

The following Thursday was hot and sunny. Mikey was very excited about their day trip to the seaside and was awake before the alarm went off. At nine years old he was only half a head shorter than Cathy. He had his father’s blond hair and his mother’s skin, which went brown at the merest hint of sun.

They left the house at a quarter to seven to catch the first train to Aberystwyth. They would be there by midmorning, which would give them six hours before getting the train back. That should be enough, Cathy thought, running through the endless possibilities in her head. She settled back in her seat as the train pulled out of the station. Whatever the parcel on her lap contained, it would be good to see Eva again, and good for Mikey to get some sea air.

There was a perceptible buzz among the other passengers. This was the first summer after the war. For the first time in seven years families were able to go on a proper holiday to the seaside. No barbed wire on the beaches, no anti-aircraft guns firing overhead. Cathy felt a sudden stab of longing for Stuart, knowing how much he would have loved larking about in the sea with his son on a day like this.

Eva was waiting on the platform when the train arrived. Cathy gave a little cry of surprise when she caught sight of her. In one arm she was clutching Louisa, who looked adorable in a white lace-trimmed sun bonnet, while David clung shyly to her other hand.

“Is that Auntie Eva?” Mikey put his nose to the window. “Yes, it is! Who’s that little boy? Is it David?”

Cathy nodded. Mikey hadn’t seen David for more than two years. It was no wonder he didn’t recognize him. “And that’s Louisa—Auntie Eva’s little girl,” she said. “Isn’t she pretty?”

Mikey wrinkled his nose. He was at the age when any mention of girls made him squirm. “I want to see the sea!” He grabbed his bucket and spade and the bag of sandwiches Cathy had made and opened the door of their compartment. “Come on, Mum!”

As she got to her feet, Cathy had butterflies in her stomach. She needed to get the boys occupied with something before Eva opened the parcel. Going straight to the beach would be a good idea. Mikey could amuse David while she sat with Eva.

As she walked along the platform, Cathy saw Eva’s smile wobble.
She must be tied up in knots, poor thing,
Cathy thought as she went to hug her. David was hiding behind his mother’s legs, bundled up in a hat and scarf despite the hot weather.

“He’s had the croup,” Eva explained as they walked out of the station. “I’m hoping the sea air will do him good.”

“What did you tell Eddie?”

“The truth,” Eva said. “Well, most of it. I said you were coming for a day out at the seaside and wanted to meet up with me. He couldn’t have come because he’s busy with the shearing.”

“Hasn’t David grown?” Cathy reached out to ruffle the boy’s hair. “And isn’t she gorgeous!” She turned to look at Louisa, stroked her cheek, and was rewarded by a dazzling smile. She had been surprised by how light-skinned the child was. Her features were much more like Eva’s than Bill’s. A small turned-up nose, big hazel eyes, and long dark eyelashes. Her golden-brown hair protruded from under the deep peak of her bonnet in a cascade of ringlets. “Do you think she’d come to me?” Cathy asked.

“You can try.” Eva handed her over. “She’s got so heavy, she’s making my arms ache!” She gave a nervous laugh as she took the parcel from Cathy and peered at the postmark.

“What’s that, Mam?” David craned his neck and gave a short rasping cough. “Is it sweets?”

“No, my love.” Eva and Cathy exchanged glances. “It’s just something Auntie Cathy’s brought from the old house. Are you going to show Mikey your flags?”

The boy dug eagerly in his pocket, and before long he and Michael were walking ahead, deep in conversation about the paper flags Eva had bought for them to decorate sand castles.

Louisa didn’t cry when Eva handed her over. She seemed fascinated by Cathy’s hair, and as they walked along, Cathy amused her by singing “Old MacDonald.” The beach was only a short walk from the station, and it wasn’t long before the boys were filling their buckets with sand.

“I hardly dare open it,” Eva said, fingering the string on the parcel.

“I know. I was desperate to open it myself.” Cathy looked at her. “I hope you haven’t built up your hopes, too much, Eva. I’m so worried it might be
. . .
you know.”

Eva nodded quickly. “I thought of that too.” She untied the string, her fingers trembling. The paper fell away to reveal a box with the words “Benson’s Baby Wear” written across it in gold italic script. Eva lifted the lid. Inside was an exquisite pink lace dress with matching bootees and a hat. The label said, “Age 2–3 Years.” Beneath it was a handwritten note:

Dear Eva,

This is a little something for our baby girl from her daddy. I don’t know the exact date of her birthday, but I wanted you to know that I haven’t forgotten.

I hope things are going well for you and your husband. Please thank him from me for what he’s doing for our daughter: he’s a fine man and I don’t blame you for wanting to start over with him.

I’m back in the army now, traveling around. I’m due to be posted overseas soon, but I don’t know where yet. I’ll write and let you know when I get my new address. It would be terrific if I could have a photograph of her in this little dress, if your husband doesn’t mind.

Best wishes to you all,

Bill

For several seconds they sat staring at the piece of paper. When Eva spoke, her voice was tight with emotion. “Cathy, he thinks I
chose
to stay with Eddie!”

Cathy nodded, her mind reeling. “Eddie showed me the letter he sent. Bill wouldn’t have known you were in Wales, would he? He would have assumed you and Eddie had already been reunited—that he’d written with your consent on behalf of you both.” She was afraid to look at Eva. “What are you going to do?”

Eva’s face had gone very pale. “I don’t know.” She glanced at David, who was jabbing a Welsh flag into a sand castle. “He said he was going to be posted overseas. Suppose they send him to Britain?”

Cathy bit her lip. “It could be anywhere, couldn’t it? It could be the other side of the world.” She could see what was going through Eva’s mind. “You think if he came here, you and he could be together without
. . .
” Her eyes went to the boys.

Eva gave a quick, almost imperceptible nod, as if she was afraid someone might see her.

“What about Eddie?”

“I don’t know!” The tone of her voice made David look up. She put on a smile, which disappeared the moment he started digging again. “Oh Cathy, what am I going to do?” she whispered. “I haven’t stopped thinking about Bill since I got your letter.” Tears were spilling down her face. “I told myself he didn’t care, that I’d just been a bit of fun for him. But now this
. . .
” She picked up the pink dress, hugging it to her.

Louisa began to wail at the sight of her mother’s tears, and Cathy rocked her, putting her other arm around Eva’s shoulder. “You’ve got to try not to read too much into it,” she said gently. “I know this sounds hard, but there’s no guarantee he’d want you to break up your marriage for him, is there?” She glanced at Louisa, who had stopped crying but was making small, gasping sobs. “She and David are happy with Eddie, aren’t they?”

Eva nodded, sniffling and wiping her eyes.

“And you? I thought perhaps you were coming round to the idea of having him back?”

Eva looked at her through red-rimmed eyes. “I suppose I was. We’ve been getting along pretty well—much better than when we were first married, actually. But then when I think about how it was with Bill
. . .
” She fiddled with the string in her lap.

David came bounding up to them. “Mam, can I have an ice cream?”

“Of course you can!” Cathy steered him away from Eva. “Let’s go and get one while your Mum has a bit of a rest.”

“It’s all right,” Eva blew her nose. “I’ll be fine in a minute. I’ll come with you.” She reached out to take Louisa, and by the time they got to the promenade, the child had fallen asleep in her arms.

As they made their way to the ice-cream cart, Mikey spotted a stand selling hot dogs. “Mum, can I have one of those instead of an ice cream?” he said, sniffing the air.

“Michael Garner! I’ve made all those sandwiches!”

“Oh please, Mum! I won’t ask for any more treats all day—promise!”

“Go on, then!” Cathy raised her eyes to the blue, cloudless sky and then dug in her purse.

Leaving Michael at the hot dog stand, she took David’s hand and walked over to the ice-cream cart. Cathy didn’t much like the look of the man selling them. She noticed him giving Eva a supercilious look, glancing from her to Louisa and raising an eyebrow. His apron was dirty, and he rinsed the scoop in a rusty-edged pail of water before digging it into the tub of ice cream. But David couldn’t wait to get his hands on the enormous cone. He managed to finish it before Michael had got through his hot dog, which was so hot it burned his mouth.

Cathy glanced at Eva as they stood by the railings, watching the crowds on the beach. She had a faraway look in her eyes. It had been a mistake, coming here. Of course, Eva had a right to know that Bill cared about his daughter, just as Louisa would have a right to know, later on, who her real father was. But Cathy couldn’t help thinking it would have been better for everyone if that parcel had never reached its destination.