Authors: Claire Jolliff
‘My brother! Ok? My brother! That’s what’s so important to me.’
Amato frowned; he released her, either disturbed by her tears or by her revelation. He had never known about Xavian, no one at the prison had. They had all just presumed that she had nobody. Maybe they thought that as an evil mutant baby
,
she had burned her entire family before she could even talk
,
or some other crazy shit.
No one had ever bothered to ask and she had never mentioned it.
‘You have a brother?’ He sounded uncertain now
,
and that gave her a dull sense of satisfaction.
Leci swiped the back of a hand across her nose, wiping away the snot and tears as she got herself under control,
already a tiny bit ashamed of her outburst.
‘No, not anymore.’
He looked confused. She wasn’t in the mood to just offer up an explanation though. If he wanted one he could damn well work for it.
‘What happened to him?’
‘He grew wings and flew off into the sunset.’ She rolled her eyes, folding her arms across her chest and crossing one knee over the other.
Amato looked disappointed and she was instantly sorry.
Damn, how did he
do
that?
‘He got killed, when I was 16.’ She relented.
‘A
bout a year before you guys caught me.’ Her tone was softer now, not only because the memories she was dredging up deserved respect but because she was apologetic for her earlier sharpness.
‘I’m sorry.’
He sounded it too.
‘Yeah, well. I’d been looking for his killers for that year. It had sorta become my whole purpose for living I guess. I promised him I’d find ‘em, make ‘em pay for what they did to him. I had to, I owed it to
him. I still do. The only diff’
rence is that back then I had no chance. If I’d ever found ‘em I might’ve got
ten
lucky and taken out one of them
, maybe,
but it was always really a suicide mission. I wasn’t ever coming out of that one, but I was gonna go down trying to
do the right thing. Now... now I got a chance. I’ll just burn the fuckers. Nice and slow, make sure they know exactly who I am and why I’m doing it.’
She heard viciousness in herself that she quite liked
,
but at the same time was a little bit afraid of.
Amato reached across the gap between their chairs and took a hold of one of her hands, very gently. She looked down at their entwined fingers and then up to his face. All the meanness had gone from his eyes and he was smiling at her lovingly. It was amazing to her that someone could feel powerfully enough for her to instantly push aside his anger and disappointment to give her love and support when she needed it.
Was that what love was?
Always being there for someone, no matter what?
‘What happened to him Leci?’
She shook her head, her eyes filled with tears that hovered at the brim, threatening to overspill. She felt a small pressure as he squeezed her hand lightly, encouragingly.
‘I killed him.’ She whispered, a sob catching in her throat as the dam broke and the tears ran down her cheeks.
She had
never said that aloud before, h
ad never admitted it to anybody. She had never spoken about Xavian to any other human being since his death and had
never
told the story of how or why he had died.
She had been walking around for five years with it on her conscience, hiding it from herself as much as from the rest of the world. She had become so overcome with the need for vengeance that she had refused to stop for just five minutes and tell herself that the men she sought were not to blame. They had been the tools of her brother’s destruction but she had been the one who had ended his life.
If not for her, he would still be alive.
Giving in to the guilt, getting it off her chest and unburdening herself was scary but in a way it felt good too, like some sort of weight was lifting.
She expected Amato to hate her again, for real this time, no going back. Who could kill their own brother? How could that ever possibly be forgiven?
But
,
instead of moving away from her he pulled her from her chair as though she weighed nothing, lifted her onto his lap and cradled her, stroking her hair soothingly. She gave in, wrapped her arms around his neck, buried her face in his shoulder and let the grief and shame go free after keeping it locked up for so long.
They sat together like that, her taking comfort from his closeness
,
and understanding and him giving both unquestioningly.
After a while she calmed herself, got her tears under control and lifted her head, making a face at the wet mess
she’d left on his shoulder. He didn’t seem to mind.
‘Feel any better?’ He asked softly.
She nodded.
And she did, she really did.
She took a deep breath before she carried on, but was able to tell him the whole tale without breaking down again. He sat in silence, listening carefully, not judging her
,
and a part of her loved him for that.
‘I was sixteen. Our old man had died when I was five, shot in some bar fight. Xavian was seven years older than I was and he’d always taken care of me; it was just the two of us, y’know?
I was such a brat
,
too. I figured that was his job. Keep me out of trouble. That was all he was good for and I tried really hard to make him work
at it
. I got myself into so much shit just to make his life harder.’ She sighed, she hadn’t thought about these things for a long time. It was like ripping open a wound after it had healed, bringing all of the pain to the surface again.
‘He always took good care of me
,
but I kept on pushing the lines, seeing how far I could take it. One night I held up some guy in an alleyway,
I
took everything he had
, it was just a normal night
. Then I was stupid and a couple nights later I went back to the same place, only, he was waitin’ for me, him and three of his buddies.’
She closed her eyes, preparing herself for the wave of
shame that she knew was coming.
‘They beat me up pretty bad and then they took it in turns to... I blacked out for most of it, don’t really remember much.’
She felt him tense angrily but he said nothing
, she was touched that he would feel so strongly about wrongs done to her so long ago
.
‘I thought they were gonna kill me
,
but I guess it was funnier for them to leave me there. When I went back to Xavian I...’ She bit on her lower lip, so ashamed she could barely carry on.
Amato rubbed her back gently through her tank top and she pulled strength from him.
‘I told him everything; I didn’t even try to hide what had happened. I’d been hurt and it was his job to sort things out for me. So when he told me to take him to them I did. I just... I just led him right to them. He was so mad; I’d never seen him like that before. He was crazy, his eyes were scary and he was... I dunno. It was like he wasn’t Xavian. My brother was so kind and sweet and I turned him into a monster. He was too mad to be careful and he just went in. All he had was a little knife. One of them held me down and made me watch. Two of them held his
arms and legs and the other...’
Her voice wavered; she paused, getting her breathing under control before carrying on.
‘The other one had this big knife. Real big. He slit Xavian open from his stomach up to his throat, and sideways, from one side to the other
, right across his belly
. There was so much blood and they just held him while he died. It wasn’t fast
, either
, he bled out but it was
real
slow, he could feel it all
,
and then at the end he lifted up his head. There was blood coming out of his mouth and he tried to speak but he couldn’t. He looked at me. He looked right at me and then his eyes just went kinda blank and he stopped moving. They let him go but he didn’t get up. I was screaming for him to get up but he didn’t.’
She looked into his eyes, her voice lowered to a thin whisper.
‘He didn’t get up. They kept hold of me. The one with the big knife brought it up real close to my face. I thought he was gonna kill me too. I was really hopin’ he would. I begged him to. But
,
he just laughed
,
and then he ran his finger along the edge of the blade, covered it in Xavian’s blood and then he... he wiped it across my lips. He made me taste my brother’s blood.’ She shivered, revulsion coursing through her at the memory.
There was more, she wasn’t sure she should share the rest with Amato, he had heard all he needed to hear but she finally reasoned that there was no point in withholding anything. He
now
knew the worst
thing she had done in her, life
and he
could judge her however he saw fit. There wasn’t much that could make it worse and her modesty already hung in tatters, she couldn’t do anymore damage there.
‘Then they used me again. I was still too hurt from before to try
to stop them. I just wanted them to kill me, s
o I lay there and let them do what they wanted. I think they left me alive cos they knew it would be crueller than killing me.’
She fell quiet, done, finally.
She fe
lt empty somehow,
hollow inside.
Though, not in a bad way., s
he felt cleaner, as if the words had been festering inside of her like some infected wound and with getting them out in the open she had scraped away the badness, cleansed the gash that had marred her soul
,
and maybe given it a chance to start healing properly this time.
She felt better
,
but at the same time she was afraid.
Amato’s hold on her hadn’t loosened, he hadn’t told her she was disgusting
,
or pathetic
,
or screamed that she was a murderer. He had seemed angry, quaking with quiet rage but it wasn’t directed at her, it was aimed towards the men who had damaged her so badly
,
but she was still afraid that this would’ve changed things, that he would stop loving her.
She had no idea why it was important to her that he carry on loving her
, it just was
.
She hadn’t wanted it, hadn’t wanted the responsibility of
having another person who had feelings for her die horribly, hadn’t wanted to feel the loss when he was gone. She had been scared of opening up to him, of giving herself to him, of allowing herself to identify the strange stirrings she felt when he was around.
Now
she was afraid of those things not being there.
It was dark in the room. The moon
provided
no light, it wasn’t in a position to illuminate them through the small window. The shadows were thick but she could see him perfectly. His face, very close to hers, looked soft and compassionate. The shadows that played across his features gave a ghostly quality to the whole scene
,
but he felt very real as she sat in his lap with his arms wrapped tightly around her.
He pulled her in slightly to him and brushed his lips very gently against hers, when he spoke his words were hot on her face, muttered against her lips.
‘We’ll find them
, b
aby, we’ll find them and we’ll roast them. Make them scream, make them beg.’
God... t
hey were the most romantic words she’d ever heard
,
and she pressed herself to him, kissing him passionately. He returned her ardour until the frenzy built up to the point she was pretty sure they were both going to end up naked but as she lifted her arms to peel off his shirt he stopped her, pushed her away and she was crushed, confused,
but he was grinning
, red faced, flustered, but grinning
.