The Confidence Myth (3 page)

Not surprisingly, the second time around Jill got the job. She did it by replacing her self-doubt with a more positive and honest appraisal of her abilities. When she believed in herself, she persuaded top management to do so as well.

Confidence spark

Take inventory of your strengths—actually make a list of them. Call to mind your current supervisor and previous managers—what else would they say about your strengths? Take this all in.

When you receive bad news, self-doubt can be the first place you go. In these stressful moments, spot your reactions and use your emotional intelligence to hold on to your sense of power. A few years back, I shared the stage with a senior leader whose company was undergoing a global reorganization. She modeled how to shake off limiting beliefs for over two hundred women attending when she talked about a job she was up for but didn't get.

“I got the news on Thursday that a coworker was promoted instead of me,” she revealed. “Of course I was upset, so much so that I took the afternoon off. For a few days, I was on the ‘pity pot.' I let myself get angry, sad, and fearful. But then I stepped back from my personal disappointment. I realized he was a better fit for that job than I was. It made sense to move him up,” she told us.

By showing her own struggle and explaining how she worked through it, this savvy leader gave the audience valuable insight into how to deal with upsets. She was able to assess the situation objectively and take action accordingly—she decided she needed to take her career in another direction and left the company a few months later.

I too have dealt with career upsets that have been difficult to handle, but by reaching out to my network, I was able to work through them. For example, when a strong supporter of mine unexpectedly did not come on board to fund one of
my television shows, I was shocked. She delivered the news compassionately, saying we could revisit sponsorship next year, but I still felt so disappointed—I was barely able to get off the phone without my voice cracking.

I immediately called a friend who listened and supported me to move forward. I made many new business contacts that next year, but I also kept in touch with the sponsor. Sure enough, the following year she was on board again.

Confidence spark

You may not always be able to remove yourself from the situation when you hear bad news. To deal with a disappointment on the spot, take a quick inventory of how you are feeling. Say your boss nixed your proposal without any explanation, and you know it's a winner. He also indicated that he didn't want to talk about it further. Ask yourself: What am I feeling?
Anger. Fear.
Where am I feeling tension in my body?
My jaw is clenched. I have stomach cramps.
What action can I take that is in my best interest?
Do nothing right now.
When you have some distance from the incident, a next step might be to pitch your idea again down the road to your boss or to another manager. Brainstorm with a trusted colleague on how you might go about doing that. After you process the upset, move on.

Do you hold a negative belief that creates self-doubt and keeps you from thinking bigger? Perhaps a parent, teacher,
close relative, or boss judged you harshly, and instead of questioning the comment, you believed it. In the Women and Confidence Survey, 54 percent of the respondents who reported that they did not feel confident in the workplace said that “having a leader who micromanages and disrespects me” had inhibited their confidence. Neerja Bhatia, executive coach and founder of Rhythm of Success, advises us to stop identifying with the stressful judgments from our past. If we don't, what has happened will block us from getting what we want.

We must be vigilant and recognize our own mad mind-chatter, turning it around when it rears its ugly head. Regardless of what has happened before, know that you can start to change what's happening now.

Mad mind-chatter can make us believe that we may not be qualified for a job when we are quite capable of tackling it—this mindset keeps us playing small. Why not aspire to something greater?

I was surprised by the stories of several senior leaders who admitted they didn't want to put themselves in the running for that next powerful position early on in their careers. All too many women seem to feel like they need to have a great number of skills in place to make a move, while men need far fewer skills to say yes. You've probably heard of the internal review at Hewlett-Packard a few years back that showed women within the company applied for open jobs only if they met 100 percent of the criteria listed; men, on the other hand, felt they needed to meet 60 percent of the requirements.
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Some women didn't take on higher positions until they received encouragement. Cathy Kinney, former president and co–chief operating officer of the New York Stock Exchange, said it was her boss's belief in her abilities that persuaded her to take a leap. After being in the job for a few months, she questioned why she ever doubted her ability to do it. With smarts and passion, she ran the trading floor of over eight hundred people.

Another woman leader at a major consumer goods company shared this story: “When I had been at the company for two years, a position several levels higher became available, and I was asked to recommend people for the job. It didn't occur to me to put myself in the running. That night, the thought crossed my mind,
Why not
me? I submitted my name the next morning and got the job.”

Kathy Waller, chief financial officer of Coca-Cola, advises us to take action despite our fears. She says, “Believe that you will do whatever it takes to be successful, even if you have to take a class or reach out to someone with more experience who can help you get up to speed.”

If you aren't feeling sure about stepping up (remember, our take on confidence includes feeling shaky but moving forward anyway), use your nervousness to your advantage. “Nervous energy can help pull the greatness out of you— it makes you overachieve,” says Jackie Hernández, COO of Telemundo. And as Debbie Storey, chief diversity officer of AT&T, put it, “My knees have been shaking my whole career.”

When considering bigger jobs, let your prospective boss be the judge of whether or not you're right for a position— you owe it to yourself to take a smart risk. “People don't walk into a job with all the tools they need,” Jackie reminds us.

Let's bust the myth that “I don't have the skills needed to take that job” and realize the truth: “What I don't know I can learn or delegate.” Mobilize the support you need to take
a bigger leap—pick one or two people you can call on for expertise and feedback, but also be your own mentor and ask yourself “Why not me?”

Confidence spark

When interviewing for an ambitious assignment, make a list of the skills you have, the skills you need to learn, and the tasks that can be delegated. Now address your fear of not being able to handle the situation, and see the truth as it is. You have several skills, and you can learn or delegate the rest. Breaking down the job into its various parts may also help. What daily tasks can you do right now? Which ones will you assign to someone else?

Undoubtedly you are contributing and making a difference. But are you contributing as much as you can?

Sometimes the most frustrating thing about a job is having the talent and ideas to contribute but feeling like you can't give voice to them. In the Women and Confidence Survey, almost half of all respondents who reported that they didn't feel confident in the workplace attributed their lack of confidence to “feeling disconnected to my job because the work does not leverage my skills.”

If you know the answer to a problem and you don't speak up, not only does the group suffer, but you do too. How do you know your solution won't be adopted? We may have a strong and reasonable fear of backlash, but sometimes we can hold ourselves back because of vague misgivings that do more harm than good.

Anne Mulcahy, the former CEO and chairman of Xerox, shared on one of my television shows her personal experience with not speaking up. When she was the chief administrative officer, the CEO at the time, Paul Allaire, was disappointed in her for not voicing her opinions at meetings. He was grooming her to take over the company, and she wasn't talking. Anne did some soul searching and her choices were clear: speak up or step down. She had been with Xerox for many years and knew what the company needed, so she began speaking up. The rest is history: Anne went on to lead Xerox powerfully as CEO.
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Years ago, I was at a conference and the presenter wasn't addressing how gender prejudice filters down to all levels of an organization and the difficulty of changing that dynamic. That was the real issue at hand, but I seriously thought of not saying anything because I wasn't sure of the reaction I would get. Yet I knew it had to be addressed. Like Debbie Storey my knees were shaking, but I spoke up anyway. Changing the conversation in the room was more important than playing it safe.

Confidence spark

Set aside some time to write about a work issue that has been bothering you but hasn't been addressed. Get clarity as to what's really going on. Who is involved? Why are you upset? Do you have a concern about speaking up? Does this remind you of a similar situation from your past? Share your observations with a supportive friend and get some feedback. Agree to benchmark with your friend (or someone else) as you take steps toward resolving the problem.

Too many of us play it safe to feel in control. Somewhere along the way, we started to equate risk with danger instead of opportunity.

In the survey data, respondents' comments indicate a high level of correlation between confidence and the willingness to take risks. Some sample responses were, “[Low confidence] often keeps me from taking risks that less able folks take,” and “As I've grown older I have a greater belief in myself, and that has allowed me to be more adventurous in my life.”