The Confidence Myth (6 page)

Originally she had been dealing with a manager whose style was straightforward. He liked information delivered succinctly and appreciated bottom-line results, so that's what she gave him. When he moved on to a different job, a new manager came in who had a totally different style.

At first she spoke in the same way to the new manager, but she quickly realized that he wasn't responding well. She observed his interactions with other people and noticed that he enjoyed hearing stories. She also paid close attention to his language and the words and phrases he often used. The next time she presented to him she started with an anecdote and incorporated some of his lingo into her pitch. This immediately caught his attention and got his buy-in.

Confidence spark

Try this with someone you don't know well who is in a position of authority: The next time you have a meeting with her, pay close attention to how she expresses herself. How does she start the meeting—does she get right into it or does she prefer sharing personal information first? Does she seem relaxed or formal? What words and expressions does she commonly use? When you need to get an important point across, try using the same language and a similar style of speaking and notice how she responds.

Be attentive to the words, style, and expressions that people are using. Use common language to build a bridge with a person to establish greater rapport and understanding. Being a strong leader means inspiring those around you. A person who identifies with the language used is more likely to identify with your message. You may already be familiar with a training program that explores the differences in communication styles (there are quite a few), but if not, you may want to check one out.

Being at the helm means you are
always
on stage, and that means you
always
have to look the part of a leader. This is especially true for women. “You may think you're like everybody else, but you're not. Women are held to a higher standard about how they look,” Jill Campbell warned.

A woman Jill coached was showing up for work dressed like the Woody Allen character Annie Hall—very bohemian. Because of her appearance, she was being discounted by her colleagues and superiors. When Jill pointed out what was happening to her, this woman began to dress differently. Sure enough, both men and women changed their perspectives about her ability to lead.

Research from the Center for Talent Innovation backs up Jill's story. Reflecting on the data, Sylvia Hewlett remarks, “Our survey respondents generated a list of appearance blunders for women that's literally twice as long as the list they generated for men. It would appear that women are judged, and found wanting, on many more visual attributes than men. . . . In addition to the length of the list, women tend to be judged more harshly than men.”
⁵

Charisse Lillie, vice president of community investment of Comcast Corporation and president of the Comcast Foundation, recommends dressing up rather than dressing down. For her, it's about conveying the image of where you want to be, not where you are. “At Comcast, if you're a leader with credibility, you're not going to come to work in khakis or jeans,” Charisse explains.

At the same time, Debbie Storey thinks it's important not to subjugate your individuality: “I always dressed professionally, but it didn't stop me from being a little quirky and on the edge.”

Navigating the territory can be tricky, but dressing the part can also give you a boost—that's what Kathy Waller found during an important meeting. When she was promoted to chief of internal audit, Kathy was invited to a meeting with the top 150 leaders at the company. Not only was this the first time she participated in this meeting, it was her first meeting with company leaders and the new chairman.

“I always try to avoid overthinking things and focus on being authentic. But this meeting was special, and I wanted to get it right. So, as I normally do, I talked with my sister Audrey about it. Obviously she couldn't tell me what to expect at the meeting—I sought the advice of others for that—but her suggestion was great: ‘Figure out how to feel good about yourself while you're there, and make sure what you wear is appropriate to the setting.' In preparation, everything I owned was pretty much on my bed. My color is red, so I wore red.”

Wearing red gives Kathy a lift, so she wears the color whenever she needs to sharpen her game. It gives her a confidence boost.

Confidence spark

Think of yourself in a job two levels higher than the one you have now. Imagine what you'd be doing. What do you look like—how are you dressed? Do you seem poised and in command? Reflect on some of the women leaders who are actually at that level now. How do they carry themselves? How do they dress? In preparing for what you will wear to work tomorrow, keep these images in mind. Pick your clothes accordingly. Also, practice carrying yourself as a leader—shoulders relaxed and back with your head held high as you walk.

•
Be people sensitive.
Know your audience (whether one or many) and understand how you need to communicate in order to bring about change.

•
Learn to artfully listen.
Go beyond the words people are saying to know what they are really feeling.

•
Observe powerful women
and note the way they dress. What makes them look like leaders? Can you see yourself dressing in a similar way? If not, how would you dress differently?

•
Become more self-aware.
When you have to handle a stressful situation, own how you feel before you take action. When you are being authentic, you'll more easily be able to maintain your poise.

MYTH

When I feel criticized, I react defensively and I can't be objective.

TRUTH

I have the ability to discriminate, take what fits, and leave the rest.

Many people don't like confrontation, so telling you what you are doing right is easier for them than saying what you're doing wrong. But if no one speaks honestly to you, how will you know what is getting in the way of your moving up?

Feedback tells us how we are really being perceived, so if we are not getting it, we need to ask for it. Although feedback may not be easy to seek out or hear, once we get it we can take what fits, make the necessary adjustments, and discard what doesn't. In my interviews with women leaders, they all agreed that honest feedback is a must. What we don't know will hurt us.

Jill Campbell, COO of Cox Communications, almost derailed her career because she didn't realize the effect she was having on people. Thankfully she received some constructive criticism and was able to put it to use.

“Before I was COO, I was having some problems because I was very emotional. I'd get pissed off about things in front of groups and that would scare people. I had been with the company for thirty years, so I thought it was okay. But it wasn't. My [career] coach told me, ‘They're scared of you, and that's killing you.' When I heard it said that way, I thought,
Wow, this is important. I need to change.

“In cable, people cuss a lot. I have really toned that down. It wasn't hard to do, which surprised me. If it was going to block me in my career, I knew I needed to fix it. I would have never done that if I didn't get that feedback.”

I have gotten similar feedback about how people read me when I am stressed and under a deadline or when an unexpected setback happens: I tense up and my voice gets firm. My staff reads this behavior as if they have done something wrong, even when they haven't. That's not how I want them to feel.

It was suggested to me that during those times I raise my voice instead of lowering it and keep my tone as neutral as possible. I don't always succeed at doing this, but I do try. I believe my staff is as grateful for the feedback I received as I am!

Lisa Kudlacz, general manager of global interventional pain management at Halyard Health, shared how the honesty of a colleague helped her develop her public speaking skills:

“Early in my career I made a major presentation to the executive team, and I was quite nervous. I knew it didn't
go as smoothly as I would have liked. After people left the room, a coworker approached me and asked if I would like some feedback. I nodded. He mentioned that I had used the word
um
seventy-five times. I was unaware and practiced not doing that with my subsequent talks, making sure not to utter that word!”

Why do we take feedback personally? I believe the issue goes back to perfectionism, which I discussed in
chapter 1
. There is a stigma attached to being anything less than perfect, and we feel exposed when we find out through critiques that we aren't.

Confidence is about showing up and moving forward as we are, not having it all together and never making mistakes. When we allow for mistakes, we are growing. The question then becomes, how do we deal with the discomfort of hearing constructive feedback so we can process it and move forward?

Time can take the sting out of criticism. One method recommended by a survey respondent is to “write about a misunderstood action, [and then] try to analyze it some days later.” Another suggested, “Continue to reflect on a track record [of good work]; know that mistakes are learning opportunities.”

Early in my career, I would react too quickly to unexpected feedback, and on several occasions I said things I later regretted. Here's an example of how I could have sabotaged myself, but chose not to.

In 2000 I created the website WomenWorking.com as a companion to the television shows I hosted and produced about career women. Before the site was launched, I sent an
e-mail to colleagues and friends asking them to preview the site. My team was exhausted—we had spent several intense days working to meet our deadline, and I really didn't want to hear feedback that would require reworking the site. I wanted people to tell me the site was great and offer to refer their networks to it.

Most people gave great comments and offered to publicize the site. I was given very few suggestions. However, Ellen Griffith, a colleague of mine, listed multiple items that needed addressing. I got her response in the early evening when I was tired and hadn't had dinner yet. I was about to send her a less than gracious e-mail defending each point (without really addressing her concerns), but I didn't. Thank God! Instead, I went home, had dinner, and slept on it. In the morning I read the e-mail again and Ellen was right—I saw several things we needed to fix. I wrote back and thanked her for her feedback, and my staff made the appropriate changes. Fifteen years later our website is very successful, and Ellen is part of my inner circle, as I am of hers.