The Darkest of Shadows (52 page)

“He would have walked away,” Lawrence admitted finally.

“The old Lilly isn’t gone, she just thinks differently than who I have grown into now. She never would have been able to love you, because she loves Harry. The decisions that you made as a twenty-year-old aren’t wrong, they were just made by a different person than you are today. So please understand that when I say that I love you, that it’s who I am today, who I will continue to be for the rest of my life—that person loves you and will continue to do so.”

“You really are one complicated woman, Lilly,” Lawrence said. “I don’t think you will ever stop surprising me, and as long as the Lilly I hold in my arms never stops loving me, then I can live with the fact that part of you, a small part of you, still loves your husband.”

“Thank you.” God, I loved him.

“For the record,” he added, “I would have asked you to marry me. Not because I think that we need the ceremony, or because I can’t live without having that institution as part of my life, but because it would have made me happy to have everyone else know that you were mine, officially mine.”

“I’ll always be yours, and as long as you and I both know what’s real, that’s all that matters.”

“You’re right.” He shrugged. “Maybe some of your attitude will rub off on me, and I’ll realize that it doesn’t matter what other people think or believe so much.”

“I’m sorry to make it this hard,” I said apologetically.

“I’m sorry that you have to live with what you do,” he told me. “You are asking very little from me, while I know that to even continue this relationship will cause you a lot more pain than it does me. Thank you, Lilly.” He kissed me. “Thank you for having the strength and the courage to give me a chance when it comes with such fear for you.”

“I love you, Lawrence.”

“Now it’s my turn to tell you something,” he told me seriously. “And please trust me that I didn’t do this to hurt you, and I haven’t told anyone, ever.”

“What did you do?” I asked and tried to keep the worry out of my voice.

“I already knew about your husband, about the accident,” he stated flatly.

My heart sunk in my chest and I felt the first tinges of betrayal. “How long?”

“I had you investigated before I offered for C&N.”

“You’ve known all this time?” I pushed away from him. “You knew?” He nodded, and my mind ran a gauntlet of horror, relief, shame and betrayal. “How? Why? I don’t understand,” I stammered.

“You know me well enough now to realize that I never do anything unless I’m completely sure, and I could never be sure unless I know all the facts.”

I was shocked, not shocked that he had managed to find out, not shocked that he had known all this time, but shocked that I had never imagined that he would do that. I should have known, because he was thorough, methodical. He would have had me investigated before he allowed me into the inner sanctum of his world. I should have realized that.

“Oh, my God,” I breathed and he moved uncomfortably on the bed before me.

“I didn’t realize when I started what I would find, and I’m sorry that invading your privacy hurts you, but I’m not sorry that I found out, because it helped me to understand you. And I hope that it made it easier for you in the long run that I was there when you needed me.”

He was right. He had betrayed me, but at the time he was only doing what he should have. Monterey Enterprises was his life, and there was no way, then or now, that he would have allowed someone inside with the amount of trust that he gave me without knowing everything about him or her. Too many corporations had been bought down from the inside out.

“I’m not upset that you had me investigated,” I told him honestly, then shrugged. “I would have done the same.” What did surprise me was that he had known all along. He knew my past two years ago, and still thought I was worth the fight. And he was right about another thing: probably the only reason we had been able to get to this point in our relationship was because unlike Patrick, Lawrence didn’t push me. He didn’t question my strange behavior—he didn’t have to, because he knew where it stemmed from, and he let me deal with that, he helped me deal with that. “I’m glad you know,” I said, and he looked surprised.

“You’re OK?” he asked, and hesitantly reached out for me again. When I came willingly back into his arms, he relaxed.

“Yes,” I assured him. “Because it’s exactly like you said. Knowing helped. You knowing, even though I didn’t know it at the time, it helped me to deal, because it gave you the knowledge to not fight me. To accept and understand the way I acted, and what I was and was not capable of handling.”

“I’ve never told anyone,” he said. “Not Nicholas, not William. No one.”

“I think I’d like them both to know,” I told him. “Eventually. Maybe not today, but I’d like them to understand.”

“We’ll take it slowly, one day at a time; and when you’re ready, we’ll work out how to tell them together.”

“I’d like that,” I replied, and the thought of those many days, months, years to come with this man left a happiness in my soul that I hadn’t thought I would ever feel again.

I sat up before him, and he watched as I untied the belt on my robe, letting it fall off the side of the bed, leaving me naked and exposed. Then slowly, one button at a time, I undid his shirt to expose the hardness of his chest, the long length of his stomach, and the fine line of hair that trailed further down to disappear beneath the waistband of his jeans.

“I don’t know why I’m this lucky,” I told him, as I straddled his hips, his hands coming up to rest gently on my waist. “I don’t know how I found you, why I found you, but I do know that I love you, Lawrence Monterey, and I find myself certain of the fact that I’ll never let you go.”

.

Twenty

Eight months later I found myself sitting on a beach in the Caribbean, with Lawrence lying on his stomach on a lounger next to me. It was my birthday, and we were there for a whole week, no interruptions, no appointments, and no disruptions. Well, almost no disruptions.

“Aunt Lilly!” For such a small person, Ryan’s voice packed a punch. He skidded to a stop before me on the sand and spent a good five minutes showing me the intricate colors in a piece of coral that he and his brothers had plucked from the edge of the ocean.

“That’s wonderful, Ryan,” I told him, and turned and watched as he raced back to join Oliver, Daniel, Toad, and four of Lawrence’s nieces by the water. Reed and Duncan were still in bed in the huge house that sat just behind us. It had twelve bedrooms, each with its own bathroom, and a huge pool, which I personally thought was unnecessary, considering the house sat about ten meters back from one of the most private and spectacular beaches in the world. It had its own staff, including a chef and massage therapist, and it sat in isolated splendor on its own private island.

And it was all mine! The house, the island, the beach, everything.

A birthday present from Lawrence, and officially, in Reed’s estimation, the most friggin’ amazing present ever.

A chorus of squeals from down the beach caused Lawrence to sit up with a grumble; then he lay back down on his side, one hand stretching out to rest gently on my rounded stomach. “Do you think he’ll be as loud as Ryan?” he asked me, a deep sense of pride in his voice.

I was four months pregnant, not planned. I’d been shocked to find out that I was carrying Lawrence’s baby—shocked, terrified, horrified, but that lasted all of about five minutes, until I saw the absolute joy and devotion that poured from Lawrence when he picked up the little stick and read the word “positive.” In that moment I realized that this wasn’t horrifying, that it was a life, a baby. I’d never replace my lost children; this wasn’t a replacement life for the ones I’d lost. This was real, this was Lawrence’s child, and I knew I would love it with everything there was in me.

Lawrence had given me so much in the last few years, but the greatest gift of all was a future. Without him I would have barely lived, biding my time until the end came, but now, I had something to live for, something precious and wonderful. I didn’t know if this gift was a boy or a girl, and I didn’t care; it was a combination of Lawrence and me, and it would be beyond perfect.

Lawrence and I were floating in the water when Nicholas joined us a while later. We were about chest deep in the water; I had my legs wrapped around Lawrence’s waist, and he was letting us float gently over the waves as they rolled past us. I had my head resting on his shoulder, so I didn’t notice Nicholas until he was standing beside us in the water.

“I like the house, Lilly.” He grinned in appreciation. “Think I could get used to this.”

I knew I could. Reed and Duncan weren’t the only ones who had come along for the grand reveal. Frost and Charlie were here, of course, and Lawrence had invited Nicholas and William, along with his mother, his sister, and all seven of his nieces; so it was a familiar and extremely loud group spending their days lazing around in the sun. This wasn’t the first time I’d met his family, we’d made a quick trip to visit them a few months ago to share the news of the baby, but it was the longest period of time that I’d spent with them. They were nice. Very normal and grounded. Very like Reed and Duncan. The girls, they were even more than Lawrence had warned. I still couldn’t remember their names, but they adored Lawrence, and for that I would welcome them into my life.

That Nicholas had chosen to invite Isobel hadn’t surprised me. They had become something of a regular item in the last few months. I was happy to take some of the credit for that miraculous development, but not much. Isobel had taken enough from my words that night at the restaurant and had promptly pulled out of the glittering world of high-end business and enrolled in Oxford University. She was using some of the money she had earned as a wannabe society bride and was studying International Law. I had to give her credit; there was obviously an intelligent brain in that head for her to have gotten into the degree, and as far as I was able to tell, she was loving it.

Nicholas liked the new, improved Isobel much better than the last one and had actively pursued her until she finally agreed to a date. The rest, they say, is history.

I gave Isobel a smile as she walked into the water to join Nicholas. We weren’t exactly friends, but I respected that she had the courage to change and I thought that with time, we could eventually have more than a casual acquaintance.

“You guys are going to turn into prunes if you stay out here all day,” Isobel said, as she dropped down into the water to swim around us.

“Probably,” Lawrence joked.

We were in a kind of dreamy daze. Neither of us had much to say; we didn’t need to. Almost from the moment we had arrived, we had eyes only for each other, and not for a moment of my time here would I allow him to be out of my sight. I couldn’t get enough of him, couldn’t touch him enough, couldn’t get close to him enough—and the nights, well, they just weren’t long enough for what we shared.

After dinner that evening, Lawrence and I walked along the beach and out to the point at the end. The sky was clear and the moon full, which gave everything a silvery bright luminosity.

We stared out at the ocean that stretched forever before us, and he held me in his arms.

“I love you, Lawrence,” I breathed into the night air. “Thank you for the gift. It’s beyond words.” And to me it was, because it was for both of us, it was our own personal escape from life, and I had no doubt that we would be here a lot in the years to come.

“There’s more,” he told me, and reached into his pocket to pull something out. “I got you something, and I hope that you will accept it as I mean for it to be given.” He opened his hand and revealed a huge diamond ring, a single solitaire so brilliant that the moon reflected off its depths and speckled my body with its shimmering radiance.

I turned my gaze from the ring to his face.

“It’s not an engagement ring,” he promised. “I don’t care what finger you wear it on. I just want you to have something of mine on you at all times. I want people to look at you and see that ring and know how much you mean to me.”

I understood what he was saying. I nodded and then burst into tears. He wiped the tears away with one finger, and then I lifted my hand for him to slip the ring on. He hesitated, his gaze searching mine, asking the question.

I nodded, and he slipped the ring onto the fourth finger of my left hand. We weren’t married, and we weren’t engaged, but I realized that he needed the illusion, he needed to have something definitive, and he needed the world to know what we had. It would cost me very little to have the ring sit there. I loved him too much to hurt him.

“I love you,” I promised him, and he groaned low in his throat and molded his body against mine, our unborn child cocooned between us. His eyes were filled with love and happiness, which was mirrored in my own. I found myself finally, truly happy with a man who understood and accepted me.

What an astonishing thing.