The Darwin Awards Countdown to Extinction (36 page)
Read The Darwin Awards Countdown to Extinction Online
Authors: Wendy Northcutt
1.
Death: Out of the gene pool!
Death: Out of the gene pool!
The winner proves he is a reproductive dead end by rendering himself deceased—or, more happily, alive though incapable of reproducing. Sheer stupidity is not enough. If someone, somewhere, somehow manages to survive an incredibly stupid feat, those genes ipso facto have something to offer in the way of luck, agility, or stamina—and therefore the perpetrator is not eligible for a Darwin Award.
2.
Excellence.
Excellence.
The true Darwin Award winner exhibits a staggering lack of judgment. The final fatal act is of truly phenomenal, pots-of-gold magnitude, like playing with electric wires while standing in the Jacuzzi (p. 179). The Darwin Award winner overlooks risks that are seemingly
impossible
to overlook. Shooting at dynamite (p. 146), anchoring your boat with a bomb (p. 151), surfing during a hurricane (p. 223). . . all you can say is,
“What were they thinking?”
impossible
to overlook. Shooting at dynamite (p. 146), anchoring your boat with a bomb (p. 151), surfing during a hurricane (p. 223). . . all you can say is,
“What were they thinking?”
3.
Self-selection: The candidate causes his own demise.
Self-selection: The candidate causes his own demise.
Nobody can give you a Darwin Award. You must earn it yourself by showing self-evident ineptitude for survival. A hiker hit by a falling tree is merely a victim of circumstance. But if you
roped that tree
and pulled it over on yourself. . . you are a candidate for a Darwin Award. (p. 232)
roped that tree
and pulled it over on yourself. . . you are a candidate for a Darwin Award. (p. 232)
If you intentionally try to win, you are disqualified. We wish to discourage risk-taking behavior,
whereas giving publicity to people attempting foolhardy stunts will only encourage them. Most extreme sports accidents are also rejected, because that person made an intentional choice that the risk was worth the reward.
Not every action that is risky, is stupid.
whereas giving publicity to people attempting foolhardy stunts will only encourage them. Most extreme sports accidents are also rejected, because that person made an intentional choice that the risk was worth the reward.
Not every action that is risky, is stupid.
4.
Maturity:
Those who are young or lack intellect
are not eligible.
Maturity:
Those who are young or lack intellect
are not eligible.
Those who lack maturity of age or intellect
are not eligible
for an Award. A child does not possess sufficient experience to make life-or-death decisions nor are juvenile neurons fully wired, so the responsibility for the child’s safety resides with his guardians.
Age sixteen is our rule of thumb.
Some readers (particularly young adults) argue that children
should
be eligible to win, but frankly, we just don’t think the death of a youth is funny. Similarly the downfall of a person with mental handicaps (such as age-related cognitive impairment) is not amusing. We prefer to laugh at those who should have seen it coming.
are not eligible
for an Award. A child does not possess sufficient experience to make life-or-death decisions nor are juvenile neurons fully wired, so the responsibility for the child’s safety resides with his guardians.
Age sixteen is our rule of thumb.
Some readers (particularly young adults) argue that children
should
be eligible to win, but frankly, we just don’t think the death of a youth is funny. Similarly the downfall of a person with mental handicaps (such as age-related cognitive impairment) is not amusing. We prefer to laugh at those who should have seen it coming.
THIS BOOK features both Darwin Awards and At-Risk Survivors.
At-Risk Survivors are just that: People who narrowly escaped a near-death experience. Many are personal accounts—explained by
the self-same idiot who planned and survived it
—which certainly serve as sobering tales!
the self-same idiot who planned and survived it
—which certainly serve as sobering tales!
5.
Veracity: The event is true.
FAQ: Is there an actual, physical Darwin Award?Veracity: The event is true.
Truth is stranger—and funnier—than fiction.
We rely on reputable news organizations, responsible eyewitnesses (emergency responders, utility company employees, monks), and whenever possible, multiple independent sources. We also recommend the use of a bullshit radar and a quick reality check at Snopes or Google.
We rely on reputable news organizations, responsible eyewitnesses (emergency responders, utility company employees, monks), and whenever possible, multiple independent sources. We also recommend the use of a bullshit radar and a quick reality check at Snopes or Google.
It would be great if there was an actual Darwin Award! But who would we give it to? And what would it be? A bust of Charles Darwin? A herd of dodo birds? A small, personalized tombstone? A beagle? A disintegrating strand of DNA? Someday there will be an actual, physical Darwin Award that you can give to a boneheaded friend as a warning. Until then, simply appreciate the abstract beauty of the ethereal Darwin Award.
FAQ: Are any winners alive?Yes, an occasional foolish mortal accepts the prize in person. You see, Darwin Award winners are (
whistle
) out of the gene pool—but not necessarily dead! The lucky few who survive amorous encounters with a vacuum cleaner, a glass vase (p. 83, “SINGLE BUD VASE”), a porcupine or park bench (p. 79, “BENCH PR ESS” )—examples chosen at random—these “lucky” few lose their ability to procreate and are dead to the next generation, yet alive to collect the trophy.
whistle
) out of the gene pool—but not necessarily dead! The lucky few who survive amorous encounters with a vacuum cleaner, a glass vase (p. 83, “SINGLE BUD VASE”), a porcupine or park bench (p. 79, “BENCH PR ESS” )—examples chosen at random—these “lucky” few lose their ability to procreate and are dead to the next generation, yet alive to collect the trophy.
We also chronicle those who deserve honorable mentions for surviving not-quite-fatal incidents—through no fault of their own. At-Risk Survivors stop short of making the ultimate sacrifice but embody the valiant and creative spirit of a true Darwin Award contender.
Don’t stand too close to an At-Risk Survivor!
FAQ: Where do you get your stories?From you!
Every Darwin Award begins as a website submission. Nominations come from around the world, and moderators review the latest self-annihilations while chanting the Rules: “Death. Excellence. Self-selection. Maturity. Veracity.”
Readers rate the Slush stories on a 1-10 scale, and we review those with the highest vote, referring to the Five Rules, moderator comments, and our own intuition when deciding if a story should make the cut. Five to ten submissions per month are deemed ludicrous enough to become a Darwin Award. Assisted by snarky reader comments, Wendy turns dry news reports into amusing (but factual) vignettes, and they go forth into the public arena.
Potential Darwin Award? At-Risk Survivor?
The best submissions land in the Slush Pile:
www.DarwinAwards.com/slush
The best submissions land in the Slush Pile:
www.DarwinAwards.com/slush
But that’s not the end of the process! Actually it’s a new beginning.
14
The Darwin Awards website reaches one million visitors each month, and on average, each story is read twenty thousand times a month! With this vast audience, we hear about mistakes. Corrections, confirmations, and snarky comments are added to the stories continually. They are updated and sometimes disqualified based on community comments.
14
The Darwin Awards website reaches one million visitors each month, and on average, each story is read twenty thousand times a month! With this vast audience, we hear about mistakes. Corrections, confirmations, and snarky comments are added to the stories continually. They are updated and sometimes disqualified based on community comments.
The stories herein have been scrutinized and vetted, and they are accurate to the best of our knowledge at press time. But due to the dynamic processes described above, they are
not guaranteed
to be entirely accurate. They are a snapshot of the state of human evolution at the time of this writing.
not guaranteed
to be entirely accurate. They are a snapshot of the state of human evolution at the time of this writing.
As you read the tales we bring you, keep in mind the care with which each gem was culled from dozens of competitors and honed to its current form. (:
FAQ: How do you confirm the stories?The words
Confirmed by Darwin
indicate that a story is backed up by reputable media sources, plausible eyewitnesses such as emergency responders, or multiple independent eyewitness accounts. You can find the original reports on the Darwin Awards website, linked from the bottom of each story’s webpage.
Confirmed by Darwin
indicate that a story is backed up by reputable media sources, plausible eyewitnesses such as emergency responders, or multiple independent eyewitness accounts. You can find the original reports on the Darwin Awards website, linked from the bottom of each story’s webpage.
All the stories are believed to be true.
We may gloss over grimy bits and change the names of survivors, but we include every detail about the perpetrator, his motivation, and his methods. Sometimes supporting documentation is insufficient to confirm. Instead of tossing away a perfectly good cautionary tale, we label it UNCONFIRMED and seek additional verification. Often—surprisingly often—readers e-mail the details and confirmation needed.
We may gloss over grimy bits and change the names of survivors, but we include every detail about the perpetrator, his motivation, and his methods. Sometimes supporting documentation is insufficient to confirm. Instead of tossing away a perfectly good cautionary tale, we label it UNCONFIRMED and seek additional verification. Often—surprisingly often—readers e-mail the details and confirmation needed.
In the
At-Risk Survivor
stories, be aware that we do change names and obscure details in order to provide a measure of anonymity for the innocent—and for that matter, the guilty.
FAQ: Have you ever been wrong?At-Risk Survivor
stories, be aware that we do change names and obscure details in order to provide a measure of anonymity for the innocent—and for that matter, the guilty.
Yes! Sometimes, spectacularly wrong.
Once upon a time, a man wanted to know what it feels like to be shot with cigarette butts. He loaded an old-fashioned muzzle-loader—persuaded a friend to turn the ciggie-gun on him—and was killed by
three butts to the heart!
We featured this numbingly ridiculous story in 2001, labeling it CONFIRMED BY DARWIN, and reveled in witticisms like “Smoking Kills” and “Cigarettes Proved Deadly.” Seven years later,
MythBusters
asked us to provide our sources—and finding them missing or suspicious, we declared, IT’S A HOAX , A LEGEND, COMPLETELY FABRICATED. But in 2010, e-mail from a family friend citing media references, names, and Facebook accounts, reconvinced us that the poor man was indeed killed by cigarette butts!
three butts to the heart!
We featured this numbingly ridiculous story in 2001, labeling it CONFIRMED BY DARWIN, and reveled in witticisms like “Smoking Kills” and “Cigarettes Proved Deadly.” Seven years later,
MythBusters
asked us to provide our sources—and finding them missing or suspicious, we declared, IT’S A HOAX , A LEGEND, COMPLETELY FABRICATED. But in 2010, e-mail from a family friend citing media references, names, and Facebook accounts, reconvinced us that the poor man was indeed killed by cigarette butts!
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