The Darwin Awards Countdown to Extinction

Table of Contents

 

ALSO BY WENDY NORTHCUTT

The Darwin Awards Countdown to Extinction
contains cautionary tales of misadventure. It is intended to be a safety manual, not a how-to guide. The stories illustrate evolution working through natural selection. Those whose actions have lethal personal consequences are ushered out of the gene pool. Your decisions can kill you, so pay attention and stay alive.

 

DUTTON

Published by Penguin Group ( USA) Inc.
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Published by Dutton, a member of Penguin Group ( USA) Inc.

 

First printing, October 2010

Copyright © 2010 by Wendy Northcutt

All rights reserved

Illustrations by Kevin Buckley

DARWIN AWARDS
^®
is registered in the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office.

REGISTERED TRADEMARK—MARCA REGISTRADA

 

LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA

Northcutt, Wendy.

The Dar win Awards countdown to extinction / Wendy Northcutt.

 

p. cm.

eISBN : 978-1-101-44465-8

1. Stupidity—Anecdotes. 2. Stupidity—Humor. I. Title.

BF4 31.N

081—dc

 

Set in Century Old Style with Orator and Avenir

 

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Dedicated to helpful, loving people:

Kevin Buckley quit his job to illustrate this book!

Many a pleasant evening has been spent discussing death with the likes of Eric Biederman, Alicia & Brian Nitpick Watrous, Peter and Suzi Anvin, Kathleen and Brian De Smet, Tara Tolles, Lisa Davis, Krista Anderson, and many other patient, witty people. Ariane La Gauche sprinkled enchanting turns of phrase everywhere. Stephen Darksyde edited science essays—free! And generous volunteer moderators continue to make the whole system work.

Thank you, Tommy Kay L evin, for much more than feeding me. Thank you, Joe da Rosa of Bodyworks Specialists, for making house calls.

The Darwin Awards, named in honor of Charles Darwin, salute the improvement of the human genome by commemorating those who accidentally remove themselves from it—thereby ensuring that the next generation is descended from one less idiot. Of necessity, this honor is usually bestowed posthumously.

To win a Darwin Award, an adult must eliminate himself from the gene pool in an astonishingly stupid way that is verifiably true. Most stories are verified by news reports or by reliable eyewitnesses such as emergency responders.

Past winners include a thief who thought it was wise to steal copper wire without shutting off the electric current, and a farmer who avoided bee stings by sealing his head in a plastic bag. We have also honored individuals who offered a bear a beer, jumped a draw-bridge gap on a motorbike, or peered into a gas tanker with a lighter.

This book is packed with a pirate’s booty of new winners and at-risk survivors. We begin with the following surprise nominee . . .

AUGUST 2009, CALIFORNIA | Wendy “Darwin” Northcutt, writer of humorous obituaries and author of six Darwin Awards books, nearly made her own dark list in a clever attempt to cool her house. During a California heat wave, she opened up a grate in the hallway floor intending to install a fan and, by this device, force basement air up into the house. Before she could finish the air-conditioning job, the phone rang.

Distracted, three hours passed before Wendy wandered back down the hall and fell through the grate. The author nearly became the eponymous Darwin Award winner. Thankfully this time she survived, and a broken leg was the price she paid for the lesson:

 

“I’d recommend walking away from holes. It’s turning around and
walking back
that’s dangerous.”

“If you can walk away from such an experience—be ‘grate’ful!” “. . . and she
works
for Mr. Darwin!”

 

Now, let’s dive into a sea of stories about those who flounder in the shallow end of the gene pool!