The Darwin Awards Countdown to Extinction (2 page)

“I don’t believe in evolution, but sometimes you realize that it
would
be beneficial to the human race! ”

—Fan mail

 

In the mood for a sweet treat? Humans nourish themselves on high-voltage cake batter, fruitcake firebombs, and chewing gum that will blow your mind. In the mood to
be
a treat? Read on for encounters with submerged crocodiles, decidedly un-docile deer, lethal ligers, and zombies! These people are literally
out to lunch.

 

 

 

5 DECEMBER 2009, RUSSIA | A twenty-five-year-old chemistry student of the Kiev Polytechnic Institute had the peculiar habit of dipping his chewing gum in citric acid crystals while he worked, presumably to add a tart, zesty flavor. He was hunched over at a computer in his parents’ house in the city of Konotop when, whether by intention or inattention, the student dunked his gum into an unidentified chemical explosive and stuck it back into his mouth.

According to news reports, “a loud pop” was heard coming from his room.

Putting aside the question of why he was doing chemistry at home, the student was well aware of the need to keep chemicals away from food. Every laboratory emphasizes the importance of “No Food!” because it is easy to drink the wrong liquid or salt your salad with arsenic. He knew better. But there he was, deceased, the lower part of his face blown off.

A forensic examination established that the remains of the chewing gum was covered with a dangerous substance that the local laboratory did not have the necessary equipment to identify. Police found packets of citric acid and packets of a similar-looking explosive material, and think the student simply confused the two.

Reference:
lenta.ru
,
en.rian.ru
, RIA Novosti

 

“The new chewing gum that will blow your mind!”
“Must have been one heckuva of a bubble.”
“The ultimate bubble!”
“The flavor blew him away.”
“This is a jaw dropper.”

 

 

 

 

 

“He really lost his head.”

 

 

30 OCTOBER 2008, OKLAHOMA | Peter G., thirty-two, was an accomplished big cat keeper. With his huge heart and ability to connect with animals, this former Tulsa Zookeeper was the perfect volunteer at Safari’s Animal Sanctuary in Broken Arrow. Perfect—until the Liger Incident.

You may ask, as we asked, “What’s a liger?”

Ligers are unusual animals, a sterile cross between a male lion and a female tiger, and (like mules) not a species in their own right. Although a liger is an evolutionary dead end, this powerful hybrid is the largest of big cats. Rocky, the liger that lived in Broken Arrow, was considered to be a big baby—yet he was not, by any means, a domestic animal. The wildlife sanctuary manager said, “In all my years we’ve stressed that whatever you do,
don’t
open that gate.”

Peter opened that gate.

For reasons unknown, he entered the liger cage during feeding time, only to become an appetizer for the hungry carnivore. Although he dragged himself out of the cage before becoming the main course, he died in the hospital that night.

Peter was loved, and he will be missed. But he was well aware of the dangers posed by captive wild animals. By not following very obvious safety rules, Peter was behaving with all the care and caution typical of a Darwin Award winner.

Burp.

 

Reference:
Daily Mail
,
dailymail.co.uk
,
cryptomundo.com

 

“Fancy Feast.”

“Human-meat kitty treat.”

 

 

1 JANUARY 2010, SOUTH AFRICA | Pop quiz, class! Do you or don’t you go swimming in the crocodile-infested Limpopo River? Do you or don’t you leave your friends on the banks of the great gray-green Limpopo and swim in its dark and ominous waters? Let’s just say it was a short New Year for Mariska B., twenty-seven, a waitress and former swimmer.

According to a long-time resident of Phalaborwa, locals know, “You don’t even put a toe in the river. It’s teeming with crocodiles and hippos.” But Mariska—a local who knew better—went into the waters of the Olifants River (the main tributary to the Limpopo) not once, not twice, but three times that day. And on her third refreshing dip of the day, she didn’t have time to scream or struggle; friends saw just a ripple on the water where seconds before she had been swimming. Swimming, metaphorically, in the shallow end.

Did I mention that the river was strictly prohibited? Police searched for Mariska’s body with long poles, and with the sensitive chemical detectors known as sniffer dogs, but found no trace. The cycle of life continues.

Reference:
News24.com