Authors: Lisa O'Donnell
I wish I had said good-bye to him. I wish I'd said good-bye to Kirkland, but I didn't get a chance. He let her scream at me and he let her blame me.
“How dare you come to my home?”
“I've come to see Kirkland, what's the matter?” I ask.
“Drugs is the matter. He's up to his nipples in temazepam, you little bitch.”
“S'not my fault,” I whimpered.
“Really? So you didn't know?”
I reddened, maybe it was my fault.
“Kirkland, tell her.”
He appeared from behind her in a cloud of misery and wouldn't even look at me.
“There's no point, Marnie. Just go.”
“She can't tell us what to do.”
“I think you'll find I can. You come round here again, madam, and I'm calling the police. Understand?”
“Fuck you!” I screamed at her.
“Don't, Marnie. She's right. I can't see you anymore. I need to get better. We can't be hanging anymore. Just go.”
She slammed the door, leaving me alone in bad weather and crying on his doorstep. When I looked up at the house I looked for him to appear at the window, to give me some indication everything had been for her benefit and we were going to be okay, but Kirkland was closing the curtains. It was over and he didn't even care.
I still have his iPod and his music, his compilations and his stupid love songs, his want songs and fuck songs. I should bin them and hate them, but I can't. I want to hear them and cry with them, I want to remember with them. It's too hard to forget.
A
tall dark stranger, just like the fortune-tellers tell you. His name is Vlado and he had a soaking wet teenager in his arms. Marnie had a boyfriend it seems and they'd broken up. She won't go into any details but was found by Vlado while he was jogging in Kelvinside Park, practically catatonic she was. Nelly's been tending to her ever since. She's a regular wee nurse and very interested in everything Vlado knows. He's a tutor of the sciences and he has been helping Marnie with her studies. Poor Marnie, she seems without hope at the moment, stares into nowhere and no smoking or drinking, and no eating. Very worrying.
Vlado didn't realize how Marnie's been living or what the girl's story was. He didn't even know who Nelly was, or me. Not half as sad as his story though. A daughter shot down by a sniper going to school, a wife in Switzerland who wants a divorce, and parents who died before the war. All alone he is now, but thank God he was in the park. He carried Marnie all the way home.
It turns out she's been cleaning his house, although he doesn't strike me as the type needing a cleaner. Marnie probably reminds him of his daughter and he wants to help her, she's certainly in need of it.
And what a rapport he has with Nelly. Every time she spoke he smiled. She knows how to be a child that one and in the funniest of ways. I think he enjoyed it. I know she did.
Robert T. Macdonald is at his workshop right now and keeping a very low profile. The girls are so angry at him. It's hard to say where they'll find forgiveness. I couldn't believe it when they told me what he'd done, that he'd found his daughter already or rather she had found him many years ago and he'd turned her away and with two little babies to care for. Shame on him. What he wants now I can't begin to imagine.
I don't know what's coming for us all now. Sadness keeps me awake. It feels like there's rotten fruit inside my head.
Hope Marnie comes down soon. She's still upstairs listening to her iPod and very loudly. An awful buzzing of words at her ears, stinging songs about people who never die. It's not healthy for a girl. It's not healthy at all.
W
ho is Kirkland Milligan anyway? A blaggard is who!
My goodness the strangers she knows. The mind boggles with it.
I have tended her needs well over a week now. A broken heart is no laughing matter I expect. I have fed her soup, chicken procured by my own hand I may add. How she dribbles. I combed her hair later. Washed her face. All from her little bed.
Then I sang to her a Nana Lou song. Not so much as a paltry smile. Ungrateful wretch. I was done then, especially when she reached for the maudlin music she so loves.
“Oh pull yourself together, would you? I think I've killed Lennie's dog.”
That certainly ruffled her feathers. Threw her beloved iPod at me, but what could I do, the dog was eating our mother and father. Intolerable fellow.
S
he said she'd killed Lennie's dog but she'd done no such thing. She'd accidentally hit him with a small plank. She said he had been messing around at the flower beds again and she was trying to shoo him away. Luckily Lennie thought it was the thugs who graffiti his walls. Poor Bobby had a bandage around his head for days.
“I picked up a small plank of wood with the intention of waving him away with it, but he jumped up on me and I unintentionally smacked the top of his head. He really is a bothersome mutt, Marnie. Whatever shall we do about him?”
“Well, we can't murder him, can we. Lennie loves him,” I remind her.
“Then what are we supposed to do? The matter is pressing.” She moans.
“I don't know!” I yell.
“Hardly a solution, is it?” she says.
“Then, well, we'll have to figure it out, won't we?”
I underline
we
because I'm sick of being Wonder Woman for her. I'm too tired to save the day and it wouldn't hurt her to step up to the plate once in a while. It can't always be me. I don't want it to be me.
H
ow cross Marnie was with me and how relieved she looked when Bobby returned through the dog flap in the kitchen.
“Where have you been?” asked Lennie, hugging and patting him. “Oh my, what happened to your head?”
The dog just wagged his tail, his face dark with dirt. I knew exactly where the little devil had been and it was making me sick with worry. He gave me a look then and I truly felt and feel the little blighter knows exactly what's going on and means to get us caught. I'm thinking poison now. I have to do something to be rid of him or discovery is a matter of time. We've been through so much, Marnie and me, and to have it suddenly sabotaged by a mutt named Bobby would be altogether tragic. I can't have it. I won't have it. Our life must play on, our life must be protected and if Marnie won't step up then I suppose it falls to me.
I
was glad Marnie came to me and I'm glad I could be of some use to her. We went to the garden and drank tea and I made sure not to flinch too much when she had her cigarette, though I wish she wouldn't, they're very bad for the lungs, aren't they?
She wanted to know all about you, didn't she.
“How did you meet him?” she asks.
“With the greatest of difficulty. I was a music teacher. He taught English. He also had a girlfriend called Sadie. A right bag.”
“What happened to Sadie?” She laughed.
“I couldn't care less,” I said, the jealousy still ripe in my voice.
“So he was bi?”
“No, he was scared. We'd been caught kissing or rather I was caught kissing him. It's how we played it, no point in us both losing our jobs. Anyway the rumors about us were rife and he couldn't handle it and so he reached for Sadie. He almost married her, but she bottled out. Even Sadie knew he was gay.”
“Doesn't matter, you ended up together anyway.”
“Or I ended up with him.” I laughed. “But it wasn't easy. Loving him was hard. Doors had to be locked and the lies had to be told, but still, it was a beautiful torment.”
“I wish I'd never met Kirkland. I wish I'd followed my instincts and told him to fuck off, but he was so nice to me.”
“Like Mick?”
“Not like Mick, different from Mick.”
“Marnie, you don't have to love everyone who's nice to you. People should be nice to each other.”
We played a little Scrabble after that. She's very good at Scrabble, but she kept chewing on her hair and when I told her to stop she twirled it around her finger instead. A very fidgety girl, always scratching at her knees or rubbing at her nose. Nerves most like, but when she won, oh my goodness. She jumped from the chair, and raised her hands up in the air and yelled, “Champion!” It made me laugh out loud, and so we played again. How she loves to play, but then her face fell, a shadow sweeping across it and I wondered what was wrong. She was looking at the floor and as I chased her gaze I saw what she saw. I was surrounded in a puddle of urine.
I'd pissed myself.
I
miss my sister. I miss her strength. There is something lacking in her of late and I am rather forced to take the lead in our lives, which I'm not at all comfortable about. It's simply not my place and occupies a great deal of one's time.
Robert T. Macdonald is a man who's not going to go away by himself. He is a phone call we won't take and a letter we won't read but he is persistent. We need to send a clearer message to him, but you try telling Marnie that, she's simply burying her head in the sand. I have seen him linger outside our home and outside our school looking for a way back. He is incorrigible. I wonder often why he hasn't just contacted the authorities and forced us to come and live with him in his daughter's absence. Perhaps he has fears of his own.
Vlado is an interesting character; one might even describe him as dashing. He certainly came to Marnie's rescue. It seems he is a teacher and has been giving Marnie support in her studies. Regardless, she needs to pep up and look lively. She has exams to be getting on with and our backs to watch, for Robert T. Macdonald isn't leaving any day soon. He wants much from us. I have seen it in his eyes and he won't rest until we are caught in the web he calls home. We must have a plan for all eventualities and if need be we must be ready to run.
E
xams. Three thousand of them and Kirkland sitting in my head the whole time, a sort of gothic cupid with a joint in his hand instead of a bow.
Talk about a stressful start to the summer. Robert T. Macdonald is a pebble throw away from fucking everything up and I don't know why he's not calling my bluff. Maybe he likes his fish caught without a rod. I don't know, but it's freaking me out. And poor Lennie. Aging before my eyes. I couldn't believe it when he pissed himself. He didn't even feel it. It makes me worried for him. I told him to go and see a doctor, but this seemed to irritate him. He was obviously embarrassed. I know I was.
Thank God Lorna and Kim are done with, that's one duet I can live without, they're a nightmare together, but poor Kim, she's devastated. I could do without her leaning on Susie though. I've had a thousand texts from Susie begging forgiveness. I ignore her. We're done. I don't want to look at her ever again. Kim keeps saying she doesn't want to get in the middle of it all, as if we had a fight about lipstick or something.
“She was shagging my dad for fuck sake.”
“I know but she's really sorry about it. Hates him like anything now. Where do you think he's gone by the way?” she asks.
“Who wants to know?” I scream.
“I was just asking.”
I shouldn't have yelled at her like that, but I'm getting really sick of that question. It's not like anyone gave a flying fuck when we were stuck at home without electricity waiting for Tom and Jerry to waltz in with a couple of fish suppers. We could spend days without knowing where they were. No questions asked then, but now, it's like they're being head-hunted for a fucking job.
I've been through so much these last few weeks and everyone's been really good to me I know that. Nelly pours me baths and at night she comes into bed with me when I'm half asleep and strokes my hair. Vlado comes every night to go over my answers in the exams. He says I've done well, maybe a B in chemistry, which pissed me off a little. He reckons I “whipped the ass” in biology and that art history was a waste of time. He says with good grades anything is possible, but with my attitude Vlado reckons opportunity might be snatched from me.
“Everything must shift in here, or life will eat you up,” he says and thumps his heart.
He should know, grieving for a dead daughter, missing a wife he will love forever, a wife who doesn't want him anymore and who's living with a heart surgeon in Zurich while he's stuck here supplying. In a way he's been the bane of my life. Drugs deadened Kirkland and tore us apart. I should blame Vlado but I don't. I should hate him but I don't. Truth is I don't hate anyone. Just me. Only me.
O
utrageous the cad should approach her at all given what he's put her through, but approach her he did and in a shabby black jacket. Quite the tom. They took a seat on the swings while I was exiled to the roundabout. Not a keeper this one, I can tell.
He takes her hand, she holds it. He reaches across and finds her lips. I don't know how she can, but it seems they'll never stop. She plays with his hair. They move from the swings. They hold one another and kiss again. He whispers to her. She stops in her tracks. She shakes her head and pushes him away. He swears at her. She walks away, he pulls her back. She runs to me and trips, she falls. I run to her, reach for her, the cut is bad. He comes toward us.
“Oh God, Marnie, I'm sorry.”
He's on the ground next to her, the blood pouring from her knee seeming worse because of the confounded rain and not a brolly between us. It's always raining here. Raining and pouring.
A blaggard he is. A blaggard.
He grabs her face. “The jellies aren't about you. I'll get better, I just need a few. Speak to Mick.”
She pulls away. “Leave me alone,” she whispers.