Authors: Lisa O'Donnell
I've been washing the floors and walls all morning. I still can't get the smell of dead out of the house, although Nelly insists she can't smell anything. I even washed the linen in their room. Cleaned it up like they've never left, but the mattress still has a stain on it and whatever was leaking out of him has gone right through. I suppose we shouldn't have left him so long. I suppose we shouldn't have done a lot of things.
Anyway my hands are pained with bleach and I can hear Nelly playing the violin for Lennie. I'll go over later and have some breakfast, I don't like it over here.
C
ards given to me by strangers and three of them. One with a dog and a heart. One with flowers around a heart. And a flashing heart that sang a funny little song about roses. All from boys I barely know.
“Kip says to give you this,” says Shirley.
“Matt says to give you this,” said James.
“Patrick says to give you this,” said Margo.
“Love you,” they wrote over and over again. I felt sick and threw them into the nearest bin. How dare they send me such things? I am a student of merit. I have no time for cards and whatnot. They should save their money for more noble causes and leave me be.
I think on the word a while,
love
, and recall Grammy locking Father in the attic without his wine or his blasted teaspoons. I remember it well and with the greatest of accuracy.
“I do it out of love,” she said as she put the key in her trouser pocket.
It was December. Almost Christmas. I remember Marnie in a Nativity smacking the Mother of God with a coat hanger. And Father, I remember Father dragging a man away from Mother. Mother said he was a villain but my grammy told me that it was my mother who was the villain.
“Have you no shame,” cried Grammy. “And with two children in the house.”
Mother wept at this.
I often wonder about my mother's shame and think of the balding stranger weeping blood around her feet.
“A painful slut.” Grammy sighed.
“Well, you should know,” spits Mother.
When Father left with Grammy (and the local constabulary) Mother sang a song. A song that made her feel strong, a song that made her feel sad, and a song that made her dance. I believe I danced too, I think she may have made me and I'm not at all inclined to exaggerate.
I
could have killed her.
I get home Friday and there's Big Brian, truant officer extraordinaire, waiting for me with a letter for my parents, which he wants to hand deliver. Then he gives me a lecture about skipping out of school even though it's a free period, reminding me it's actually study time and gives me a pink slip, which means I need to go see the headmaster on Monday so he can tell me the exact same thing, even though I'm an A student and don't need a study period. He then questions my parents' whereabouts and knows they're on the dole and says he's been trying to catch them at home for over a week and basically, where the fuck are they? He even hints they're working somewhere, in other words, collecting benefits while in employment and like it's his business, it almost makes me laugh, the idea of Izzy and Gene getting up in the morning to get to an actual job is fucking hilarious. I think of something to say without arousing suspicion. I tell him we have a dog and they must be walking it and then I suggest he wait longer for them like I'm expecting them any minute knowing it's Friday, and he wants to get home before the traffic fucks him and so he says it's not necessary and just gives me the letter.
Obviously he knows I'm going to open it and he doesn't want me to bin it so he tells me my parents have to report to the school administrator by the end of the month to set up an appointment or further action will be taken against them, which means I definitely can't bin it. Then comes the weirdest thing ever. He says, “Are you okay, Marnie?” I say, “Yeah.” Then he says, “You know if you ever need anything you only have to ask, we're not the enemy, keeping a girl like you on track is important to us, do you understand?” I nod. He gets into his car and before he leaves he says, “Have a nice weekend.” Then he drives away. I want to cry and wonder why he cares. Then I see our front door all bashed up, it's always been like that, but it's like I'm seeing it for the first time and it depresses me. There's plywood where a window used to be, I remember the stereo flying through it and there's a broken fence surrounding a junk-filled yard with gym equipment no one ever used. A cardboard box piled with clothes, shoes and total crap strewn everywhere. We did our best to tidy it when we buried them but it was too much. I look to Lennie's place with his perfect lawn. I look to the houses in front of us with kids' playthings and a bike against a wall. I see order and containment. I see homes. I feel ashamed and I want to fix everything, and make it look like it should. I know it's impossible. I go inside and rip open the letter instead and that's when I find out Nelly's been skipping school and more than I realized. The letter says Izzy and Gene can be made legally accountable and the word
accountable
is underlined.
Next thing I hear Nelly's key in the lock and so I position myself at the side of the door so I can grab her and kick the shit out of her. She gets a fright when she sees me and doesn't know why I'm home. I tell her I have a free period and she says, “It's not a free period, it's study time.”
“Don't you fucking. Fuck . . .” I can hardly get the words out.
“What on earth's the matter with you?” she says.
“You getting letters like this!”
I throw it at her.
“I'm afraid there's been a misunderstanding, old girl. I'm always at school.”
“Oh really, 'cause according to this you've been bunking off.”
“I have not been âbunking off,' as you call it. I've been reading. In the library. The school library.”
“You're not supposed to be in the library, Fannybaws, you're supposed to be in class.”
“I learn a great deal more in the library and without all that hullabaloo one must endure in a classroom full of imbeciles.”
That's when I bang her. I've had it with her and the Bette Davis bullshit.
There's blood everywhere and a tooth is broken, but I don't feel bad, as a matter of fact I wanted to hurt her some more, she's lucky I didn't.
Later I go to see Mick and we have sex. I wish we hadn't and I feel disgusting afterward. I always feel disgusting with Mick. I don't know why I do it at all. Mostly I wish I hadn't hurt my sister, who ran from me in tears. I didn't mean to make her afraid, but she started it. I'm terrified now. There is no one to go to at school and they'll call again. I don't know what to do.
M
arnie gave me a right bashing. Thumped me and no mistaking it and on a Friday of all days.
“Whatever have you done to my tooth?” I cried.
“Fuck you,” she replied. Vulgar girl. Uncouth.
Lord, how I hate Fridays. They can't be trusted. Weekends without supper, weekends listening to strangers brought home by careless fathers who drink and then pee on the bloody rug.
What a stench it leaves. An awful stench.
I feel badly for playing the fool, really I do. I don't wish to have government officials on the doorstep any more than Marnie does. I wish only to read and to stay away from the boys and their remarks about my body. I hate my body. I hate boys and today I hate Marnie. God damn her to hell.
I
gave Marnie a right talking-to yesterday and I was very stern. We had to take Nelly to the dentist. Marnie knocked the poor girl's tooth right out of her mouth. I had to control my temper, I really did, but then she started to cry. She says she's sorry and doesn't know what came over her.
“I want to know what's going on,” I said.
“I don't know what you mean,” she says.
“Your parents. Where the hell are they?”
She went blank, like she didn't hear me. I turn round to find Nelly staring at her, all wide-eyed and pleading and wanting her to keep her mouth shut. Marnie looked ashamed. They both did. I shook my head in disappointment and walked out of the room. There's nothing to be done if they don't trust me with what I already know. The parents are not coming back any day soon and these girls have been abandoned.
Later I chastised Marnie for her violence toward her sister, expecting some kind of teen-like strop and fully intent on throwing the little madam out on her ear, but she agreed with me, just like that. She was grateful almost, as if she wanted me to parent her and that's exactly what I did. I told her to apologize to her sister. She apologized, but Nelly wouldn't look at her of course and I didn't make her, I can't force her to forgive if she doesn't want to. I told Marnie to clean my kitchen. I'd been baking bread and had left a bit of a mess, but credit to her she cleaned the kitchen. Then I demanded she clean the toilet and she cleaned the toilet. I made her bring me her schoolbag, a sad little green satchel inked with boys' names and rock bands. I made her do her homework and it didn't take her very long but everything was correct. She's clever, I'll give her that. I let her have dinner, but no dessert, I told her she had to stay here tonight and go to bed early. She asked if she could have a bath. I said yes. She didn't as much as grumble, not once, that in itself is strange. It wasn't even eight o'clock, I expected a little backchat at least, but not a word did I get, only compliance and that's when I realized she wants someone to discipline her and to give a damn about the things she does right or wrong. And it hits me. These girls aren't hiding anything, this is how it has always been for them. Their parents' absence is a horrendous reality and one they have lived with their entire lives. I feel sore for Marnie then and for Nelly and suddenly I understand Marnie's attachment to girls like Susie and Kim. They are constants in her life. A family of sorts, something to look forward to and people she can rely upon.
After her bath she goes to bed as directed and I bring her milk and the shortbread I had denied her earlier. Nelly wasn't happy with any of these attentions. She sought retribution and when she didn't get it she sulked. Later I pulled her to the side.
“Your sister needs you,” I told her.
“I care naught for what she needs.”
I don't know what to say about that and so I go to the bathroom and pick up Marnie's towel and her laundry and that's when I come across her underwear, rolled into a ball inside her skirt pocket. I feel an enormous weight fall upon me then because I really don't know how to protect Marnie from Marnie. I really don't know.
J
esus, Lennie let me have it the other night and has been a little cool with me since I smacked Nelly. I told him I was sorry, but I don't know if it was enough. I was so embarrassed in the morning and went home for a liquid brunch. Voddy with cranberry juice. Take the edge off. Asked Susie to join me but she was rehearsing at Drama Club and Kimbo was in Partick looking for a flat with Lorna. Lorna's parents have asked her to move out. They sent her to a psychiatrist recently, but it totally backfired 'cause after two sessions he wanted to counsel the whole family. Her mum and dad fired the guy. Poor Lorna, I thought she had everything, but it turns out she's as neglected as the rest of us. They're quite sweet together, Lorna and Kimbo. Lorna likes to lie with her head on Kimbo's lap and Kimbo likes to play with her hair. I think they're in love. Susie hates it and thinks Kimbo isn't taking her meds and being gay is some kind of symptom. She actually said their relationship was abnormal, this from a girl who has spent many a Saturday night on her knees and with guys she hardly knows, although not so much recently. She's like a nun this weather, less slutty than usual, but what a mood she's in.
Seeing Mick tonight. He's really pissed off right now. He thinks I'm hiding something about Gene; I am, but not in the way he thinks. He's super-anxious and always on the phone to Julie, they owe a lot of money. She's going nuts over it and won't leave him alone. We work till two in the morning some nights and so far no one has quizzed the ice cream van selling cones into the early hours of the morning. It seems I'm working for Vlado these days and I always make sure I'm looking my best, but he's still looking at me like I'm shit.
Gene and Izzy had their benefits stopped ages ago 'cause they weren't around to sign on. The money working the van was enough in the beginning, but then the Housing Association canceled the rent checks and now we're totally fucked. Moving isn't an option for obvious reasons and so one way or another the rent has to be paid. Delivering for Mick gets me around £150 a week. He also gives me a few tabs when I need them. I prefer a drink to be honest and so I sell them on to Kirkland mostly.
It was so nice at Lennie's the other night. I know he was pissed off at me, but he soon simmered down and brought me milk and shortbread. It's all it takes sometimes, something sweet. He's also agreed to go to school and sort the truancy notice Nelly got. He's been a real lifeline to us and we'd be nowhere without him.
After the shortbread and milk I went straight to sleep, but then I woke up and the agitation started. I felt like I had to get away from all the comforts and kindness, I'm not used to it and it makes me scared. He's making it too easy to stay and this makes it harder not to tell him what we're hiding in the garden.
N
elly's still having nightmares. I can hear her through the wall. I gave her the spare room. She doesn't like to be alone in her house. I don't blame her, it's a tip. No wonder Marnie's always out with her friends. One of them is a dyke, which rather surprised me. They're all so very sexually assertive these days and at such a young age. Kim's her name. To be honest I can't be doing with the lesbians. They can be very difficult. Always seem to be in a rage about one thing or another, I suppose in a lot of respects it's easier to be a gay man than a gay woman, so much expected of women. I imagine your average straight man feels if women aren't women then how can they be men. They're very hard on the lesbians, the straight men; gay men are just irritated by them. I found it amusing the way Kim talked to me, like we were gay comrades, like we were men almost. I was pleasant enough about it but desperately wanted to remind her she was a woman and tell her it's okay to be feminine and gay, of course some of them feel safer occupying a more masculine role in life. Kim's certainly close to Marnie and probably loves her. Wants her. You never know the basis of a friendship when you're dealing with your differences, you know, in the beginning, when you start to realize who you are. I remember attaching myself to a boy named Toby, we were fairly pally for a while, but I didn't like him much. I just wanted to touch him. He married an old sack called Lillie in the end. I don't know what happened to him after that.