“Thank you,” I said when she handed it to me. I took a long swallow of the cool liquid and I noticed both women staring at me.
“I was told I have been gone for three years,” I said after I set down the glass.
“A little over two,” Jessmei said. She did look more mature. Her eyes were more focused and her face leaner. The changes made her look even more beautiful.
“We thought you were dead. Telaxthe said that Turnia took you back to her world,” Nadea said. “How did you return?” The duchess’s face looked unchanged from what I remembered.
“Is the empress in the castle?” I felt anger rise in my stomach and I fought to keep my voice calm.
“Yes,” they said in unison. “This is a private meeting. She might know that you are here, but I did not tell her.” Jessmei tilted her head slightly. “You seem angry.”
“Turnia never took me back to her world.” Their eyes opened wide and I hastily explained that the O’Baarni clan leader figured out that Telaxthe had been somewhat responsible for Kannath’s death. Then I detailed how she attempted to negotiate with me and how Telaxthe flipped the situation when her own army ambushed the O’Baarni warriors and murdered them.
Then I told them how the empress attempted to force me through the Radicle. I spoke of the strange vision, how my armor appeared on my body, and my inspiration to attempt to use the Radicle to get here with the slim hope that I might be able to learn my daughter’s name and awaken her before the empress returned to Nia to stop me.
When I finished my short tale I drank the remainder of my water. My hands shook. I was nervous about telling them what had happened, and about being in the same room with both women, knowing how much I loved them both.
When I had been with each of them alone in the past, justifying my feelings for both of them came easily and I had blamed their outrage on their unnatural culture. After all that had happened, all I had recalled of my past and my feelings for Shlara and Iolarathe, I understood their anger and the complexities of our relationships. I had dismissed their ideas of fidelity, but I too had felt possessiveness flare up when I believed for a moment that Iolarathe’s child was another man’s. I had even felt a pang of jealousy when I learned Isslata was pregnant. It was ignorant of me to pretend the women should not want commitment from me. It was not an outdated custom, it was love. I did not know how to fix things between the three of us, but I knew it was both painful and wonderful being alone with the two of them.
“Is there something wrong?” I asked.
They looked at each other and then back to me. Nadea opened her mouth first, but Jessmei raised her finger to interrupt her.
“So you need the name of your daughter?” the blue-eyed woman asked. Her eyes looked as deep and turbulent as the ocean and I felt myself become lost in them.
“Yes. But I wanted to make sure that you were both okay. I wanted to see if the empress was treating Nia as she promised.”
“The empress has treated us fairly. Though I’m afraid this is only because I have an unbelievable amount of leverage over her and her people.” Jess smiled faintly.
“What leverage?”
“Perhaps that doesn’t matter at the moment, Kaiyer. What will happen once you learn of your daughter’s name?” she asked. Her heart rate increased. She was nervous.
“I will go to the Radicle.” I looked at the duchess. “I believe it to be the same one that Nadea was sent through. I know where to find it in the Teeth.”
“And after you bring her into this world?” the queen asked and I saw the urgency in her face.
“I will spend my life with her. What do you want me to say?” I felt my eyebrows tighten.
“I want you to say just what you want to say, what you mean. I don’t want to force anything from you. I want you to be honest.” She shook her head and Nadea sighed. “Where will you live with your daughter?” Jess asked.
“The empress will attempt to kill us. I will probably find a place for us to go, far away from here.”
“I see.”
“You both know how I feel about you.” I pushed my fingers into the wood of the desk and closed my eyes for a few seconds. I considered telling each of them that I loved them, that I was torn, that I could never choose between them. Instead, I decided to speak of my daughter. “But my daughter needs me. She is lost in time. How can I commit to anyone else when she needs me?”
“Kaiyer, it has been over two years,” Nadea said and shook her head. “We thought you dead.” She looked at me with an indifference that stung more than her anger. I felt a flood of both relief and disappointment as I realized I was being arrogant assuming the two women still pined for me. Of course they had found love elsewhere. I had died and left them behind, more than once.
“Then you have found others to love? If you tell me so I will be more than happy for you. Loving someone doesn’t mean you want to possess them. It means that you want their happiness more than your own.”
“You are being cruel.” Jessmei shook her head and her jaw clenched.
“Because I want to focus on my daughter?”
“No!” The woman slammed her fist down on the desk in a sudden movement that surprised both Nadea and me. “Because you know how much I loved you. I thought I carried your child. I wanted that more than anything. I was prepared to give up all of this,” she gestured around the room at the opulence and indicated her gown and then the castle as a whole. “I would have happily given it all up for you. To raise your children. That was all I wanted.”
I did not mean to, but I found myself staring at Nadea, remembering what she had told me about wanting to be a mother, the pain she felt when she learned she could not bear children. But the duchess remained stoic and stared at her cousin, ignoring my gaze. Jessmei continued, her voice filled with more anger than sadness. “Now you have a daughter and I can’t even share that with you?” A tear flowed down her left cheek and Nadea had turned her eyes down to the table.
“You say you love me but you can’t trust me with your daughter? Don’t hide behind her.” Jessmei sat back and crossed her arms. Greykin was correct. She had changed. There was still obvious love in her eyes, but there was a hardness there I had never seen before. She was serious, she had been left on her own to depend on herself and knew that her kingdom depended on her.
“Might I speak?” Nadea smiled at the blonde woman deferentially.
“Yes. Sorry, Naynay.” Jessmei sighed and nodded, and I saw a bit of her softness return as she spoke to her cousin. The women had always loved each other, but Jessmei had finally earned Nadea’s respect, and I knew that was an honor that must have contributed to her confidence.
“I felt you leave.” Nadea turned to face me. “I can’t explain the sensation. But it was as if the air left my body and I could never quite breathe as easily.” I caught Jessmei shift in her seat slightly at the other woman’s words. “The dreams stopped coming. By then I knew your daughter’s name, so perhaps Iolarathe had no more need of me. I finally understood her insistence about speaking to my father.” She paused and sat back in her chair.
I felt my heart hammer in my chest. I wanted to scream at Nadea to tell me the name, but I knew she would not keep it from me much longer.
“He knew the location of the shrine in the mountains. I was preparing to leave Nia and journey there, then bring your daughter back through the device.”
“He should know my role in this, you make it sound like you are the sole heroine here.” Jessmei shook her head and the words rang with sarcasm. Her immaturity was surfacing again. Nadea closed her eyes and drew in a slow breath to calm her irritation.
“I was just about to explain that it was your idea.” Nadea sighed.
Jessmei laughed to downplay her annoyance. “I just want some credit,” she smiled at me sweetly.
Nadea rolled her eyes out of Jessmei’s view and turned to me. Her eyes were impossible to read as she stared at me. I sensed there was something she was holding back and I wanted to speak to her alone, but I knew Jessmei would object and I did not want to be a source of conflict between them.
“Kaiyer, I need you to know,” she paused and looked down, “I do not have romantic feelings for you.”
Her words hit me like a hammer to the chest and I felt the world spin for a few vertigo inducing seconds. She met my eyes again. There was some pain in her eyes, some sadness, but she did not look at me with the adoration and need I had once seen. I believed her.
“My cousin and I have told each other everything.” Jessmei looked a little smug but Nadea was emotionless in face and voice as she continued, “I understand that your relationship with her was much more serious than anything you and I ever shared. What I felt for you was simply a passing affection. Perhaps it was just Iolarathe’s love for you coming through me when she controlled my dreams, and when she released me, I was freed of my attachment to you. But you and Jessmei truly love each other. She needs you here. The kingdom needs you here. I do not want you to feel any conflict or confusion about remaining in Nia with us. With her.” She looked down again and Jessmei smiled brilliantly. “There is still tension between us and Telaxthe, and now that we know she lied to us about what happened to you, we will have an upper hand in our negotiations,” she finished placidly.
I still felt dizzy and I wanted to ask her more. I recognized it was immensely selfish of me to desire both women and expect both of them to love me back, but it was the truth of how I felt and it hurt to know Nadea did not feel the same way about me anymore. I should have felt relief. This made my decision simple, but it did not make it easy. I listened to the sound of her heart beating, but the tempo was even and held no hint that it was a lie escaping from her lips.
“You have not made much progress in your relationship with your mother?” I said to bring the topic back to Telaxthe while I continued to consider Nadea’s change of opinion. Had she found someone else? Or was she correct about Iolarathe influencing her? Maybe she had never truly loved me, but was simply under the control of the Elven woman.
“She is interesting.” The women exchanged a knowing glance that I could not decipher. I almost asked them to elaborate, but I realized I was losing sight of my goal. I had to get my daughter. There would be time to talk to Nadea and Jessmei about Telaxthe later.
“Will you tell me the name of my daughter?” I stared into Nadea’s soft brown eyes. She looked away but answered quickly.
“Of course. Will you return and help Jessmei rule Nia?” Her words were unexpected.
“Help her rule?” I looked at Jessmei and she beamed at me, her eyes hopeful and confident I would agree.
“How can I help her rule?” I asked slowly. Nadea stared at me, unblinking. She was so devoid of emotion I started to believe she was lying. She would put her cousin and her kingdom first, and if she believed it was better for me to be with Jessmei, I knew the duchess would sacrifice what she wanted to make that happen.
Or perhaps I was simply trying to protect my wounded pride.
“I’ve already told you how you can help me,” Jessmei said, and then turned to her cousin. “Are you sure, Cousin?” The queen raised an eyebrow.
“Yes.” Nadea nodded and her emotionless face finally cracked a slight smile. “I can see it in his eyes when he looks at you. I do not want to interfere with a love so strong,” she said warmly, “I just wish to spend time with your daughter, we have much in common.” She looked sincerely excited.
“It sounds like the two of you have decided my fate,” I said.
Jessmei smiled, dismissing any hint of bitterness or protest I was trying to express. I had not agreed to any of this, yet the women were proceeding as if I were bound to whatever they had decided. As much as I cared for both of them and wanted to help, the sense of being enslaved flared up and I reacted against it on a visceral level. I would not be controlled again.
“As my husband, you may help me rule. It is in keeping with our laws. You will have jurisdiction over the Council and negotiating power with Telaxthe’s generals. I am already spread thin trying to keep reins on all of the Radicles.”
As the words left her mouth, I realized the other change within the woman. It was such a slight difference, I would not have been able to detect it without consciously listening to her heart and tuning into the power of the Earth around us. She was using magic. It was just the slightest trickle, almost imperceptible, but I could sense the Earth flowing into her. Nadea was also using the magic, but the duchess’s pull was much stronger than the queen’s.
“Telaxthe showed you how to close the Radicles?” Jessmei nodded at my question.
“How did I make it here then?”
“I sensed you. It is hard to explain, but I knew it was you trying to come back to our world and I released the grip I hold on the Radicles. I am not skilled enough to manipulate each one individually, so I opened them all to allow you to come through and then closed them again when you returned.” Jessmei smiled faintly and she took a small sip of her own water.
“Then you told Greykin to find me?”
“Yes. Nadea and I thought you were forever gone. Perhaps we had a bit of hope that we would see you again one day.” She turned to the duchess and the brown-eyed woman nodded.
“Does that mean that you will need to release them again so that I can bring my daughter into this world?”