The Devil and Danielle Webster (7 page)

“Did we exorcise the Devil from the Devil?” Doug whispered. 
“Is that possible?  Could he have returned to his state of blessedness
before The Fall?”  Tina had not yet regained her power of speech.

I gave the Devil his ice water and he winked at me again.

“You’re a bastard,” I told him.

“Party trick,” he said.  “Pretty good one, wouldn’t you
say?”

“You disrespectful heathen!”
Tina
had found her tongue, and the Devil was in for a lashing.  She was
furious.  “You made me look like a fool!  Why didn’t you tell me how
little you honor the Word of the Lord?”

“You need to be told that?  My name is Lucifer! 
Do you honestly think I care about your mumbo-jumbo?”  

“Honey,” Doug said.  “I’m not sure I had the holy
water.  I took it out of Jason’s bottle.”

“How could you?” Tina exclaimed.  “Why in the world
would you think I’d put holy water in a baby bottle?” 

“So it wouldn’t leak in transport,” Doug said
pleadingly.  He sounded crestfallen. 

“The holy water is in the plastic bottle that says ‘Holy
Water’ in gold ink.”  Tina was keeping a lid on her anger, but I could tell
she was steaming, maybe as much as the Devil’s head had been a few minutes
ago. 

Daemon Lucifer was laughing soundlessly, wiping tears from
his cheeks.  “Oh my sacred heart,” he said.  “This is the best night
of my life!”

“Shut up,” said Tina and Doug, simultaneously. 

“We’re going home,” announced Tina.

“Well, I trust then that you’re both satisfied customers,”
said Daemon Lucifer, rubbing his hands together.

“Wait a minute—” I said.

“I don’t like the sound of that—
“ Doug
said.

“What’s the matter?” said Tina. 

The Devil had a disquieting smile on his face. 
“Ahem.  They’re probably referring to the contract you signed.”

“I didn’t sign a contract,” said Tina. 

Wordlessly Daemon Lucifer dropped the heavy embossed paper
in front of her. 

“You said this was a hold harmless form,” Tina said, her
gaze locked on the Devil’s. 

“Don’t ever take a salesman’s word,” he said softly. 
“Get it in writing.  Really, you three are entirely too trusting.”

“I didn’t trust you,” Tina said in her best gotcha
voice.  “I didn’t sign this.”  She held up the paper for all of us to
see.  She had signed Doug’s name, and like a good secretary, had placed
her initials, TM, immediately thereafter.

“Honey,” said Doug in a hurt voice.  “Was that really
fair?  Signing my name?”

“You’re on the hook already, Doug,” Tina said crisply. 
“This was just a way to get to the exorcism.”

“Which didn’t work,” I commented.

“Well, it would have, if we hadn’t used the baby’s bottle
for water.”

“Actually, it was just as holy as the holy water,” the Devil
observed.  “Holy water can be blessed by the priest, but the tears of the
innocent are just as salutary.”

“He didn’t cry into that bottle,” Doug pointed out. 
“He probably drooled, though.”

“The backwash of a baby,” I said dreamily.

“Just as salutary,” the Devil said again, and winked at
me.  What was he insinuating?

“I doubt that,” said Tina tartly.  “Jason’s nearly two
years old now and he won’t give up his bottle.  I gave him that because
he’d just thrown a tantrum, not to mention his
sippy
cup.  I don’t know if he counts as an innocent anymore.” 
  

“What we need is Father Fritz,” said Doug.  He sounded
just like Mickey Rooney.

“Let’s put on a show in the barn!” I said aloud. 
Fortunately no one was listening.

“Father Fritz will help,” Tina agreed.

“He’ll vouch for us!” I said, and was rewarded with a dirty
look from Doug.

Daemon Lucifer was trying not to look too amused.  “I
suppose you want me to get him for you?”

In the tone of voice she might use when giving her dinner
order at The Olive Garden, Tina said, “Yes, bring us Father Fritz.” 

“Just one thing, dear lady,” said the Devil.  “I need
your signature this time, not your husband’s, but yours. 
Right here.”

“What do you want me to sign?” Tina said suspiciously.

“This will supersede the contract that Doug and Danielle
have signed.  I’m feeling exceptionally generous because you have kept me
so well entertained this evening.  I’ve just changed the wording, since
our lovers can’t seem to achieve a night of passion.  It says, and I
quote, ‘A night of exorcism for Douglas Robert Morris, Tina Lou Morris, and
Danielle Joy Webster, to be delivered by Prince of Darkness Enterprises. 
In even of failure of exorcism, Prince of Darkness Enterprises will collect the
souls of Mr. and Mrs. Morris and Ms. Webster, payment date to be determined
later.’”

My cunning legal mind was a step ahead of him.  “I’ll
sign, provided you draw a line through our old contract, write ‘null and void’
and sign it yourself.” 

“Oh, good thinking, Danielle!”
Doug
said approvingly.  I flushed with pleasure. 

Tina said to the Devil, “I’m waiting.”

“For what?”

“You’ll do what Danielle said, nullify their old contract,
then
we’ll all sign.”

“Do you know how many millennia old I am?” demanded the
Devil.  “I wasn’t born yesterday.” 

“What’s the date?” I demanded.

“It’s still June 21,” the Devil assured me.  “I told
you, this is all off the time grid.”

I was still thinking.  “Doug, Tina, is this really a
better idea?  This gets you and me off the hook, Doug, ONLY if your Father
Fritz can do a better exorcism and actually get this guy out of here—no
offense, Mr. Lucifer—“

“None taken,” he assured me. 

“—But if this exorcism is a bunch of Catholic bunk, then
Doug and I are still stuck where we were, with the addition of Tina’s soul, as
well.”

“I tried,” said Tina.  “I was hoping he’d void the
other contract, then we could all refuse to sign.”

“Yeah, we figured that out,” I said.  “All of us,
including him.”

“Honey, if I have to be stuck for eternity anywhere, I want
to be with you,” Doug said coaxingly.  “It doesn’t matter to me
where.  Any eternity apart is hell just because we’re separated,
right?  And heaven just as long as we’re together?”

Tina looked unconvinced.  “Are you saying we should all
sign?”

“Well, yeah.  The family that prays together—“

“This isn’t exactly praying together, Doug,” Tina pointed
out.  “Here’s what we have right now.  It’s a sure thing that you’ve
sold your soul to the Devil.  And it’s a sure thing that I haven’t. 
This new contract puts us both in jeopardy, unless Father Fritz’s exorcism
works.”

“So you don’t think Father Fritz’s exorcism will work?” I
asked with interest. 

“This is a private conversation,” Tina snapped.  In a
lower voice she went on, “Doug, I’d go with you anywhere, you know that, if it
weren’t for the kids.  One of us has to think of the kids.”

I said, “Tina, I hate to break it to you, but they haven’t
reached the evil age yet.  Just wait.  If they’re like most kids,
they’ll be up to all sorts of hell, with or without you to guide them.”  I
was enjoying myself.  “There’s no need for such a sacrifice on your
part.  I think your place is at Doug’s side.” 

Doug was nodding, and so was the Devil, but Tina was
spitting mad.  “How do you know?” she said.  “Your kids can’t be that
much older than ours.” 

“They’re not.  I happen to know this because I used to
teach high school.  Trust me, by high school, every other kid is a
hell-bound babe.  Well, maybe the honors kids aren’t, though a lot of them
will end up rich, and then heaven help them.”

“Well, I’m not signing,” Tina insisted.  “I’m in the
Stephen Ministry.  Hell just isn’t an option.” 

Daemon Lucifer said soothingly, “If you don’t wish to sign,
you don’t wish to sign.  That’s not a problem.  We can stay with the
original contract, and just stay off the time grid until Doug and Danielle get
their night of passion.”

“We told you, there is no way that’s ever going to
happen!”  Doug was getting upset again. 

“Let’s just leave.  We can rent a car and be back in
Schaumburg in a couple of days,” Tina said. 

The Devil said, “Wrong.  You’re off the time
grid.  Businesses are closed.  You could steal a car, I suppose, and
drive it until it runs out of gas.  Once you get home, you’ll sit there in
an eternal 3 AM.  Your kids will never wake up.”

“That’s just dirty and underhanded,” I said, looking on him
with disfavor.  “And don’t even think of winking at me.”

“Well,” the Devil said, “I have some business to take care
of.  I’ll let you three think over your options for awhile.  I’ll be
back.  You’re still off the time grid.” 

“Wait!” I said.  “Doug gets to have Tina here.  I
don’t have anyone.  I want my sister.”  I checked my cell.  It
was just after 4 AM.

“I’ll just get a new contract written up,” the Devil
said. 

“Can’t you get her here first,
then
talk about it?” I asked.  “You said you’d give us time to think about our
options.  Patty can help us with that.  She negotiates contracts in
her work.”  I had no idea if that was true, but it sounded good. 

“What does she do?”

“She’s in managed health care.”

“Fabulous!” said the Devil enthusiastically.  “That’s
one of my favorite types of businesses.”

“I’ll bet it is,” I said.  From what Patty had told me
before, it was a hellish place to work, with the focus always on saving money,
not necessarily lives.  “She loves it,” I lied.

“Let me get her for you,” said the Devil.  “Do you
think she’ll need as much time as Tina did?  She kept me waiting for half
an hour.”

Tina gave him an irritable look.  “I was checking on
the kids,” she said.  “And I had to pack my diaper bag—“

“—full of holy water,” I added.

“—and shower and dress,” she finished. 
Sheesh
.
 
Was I glad I’d at least freshened up before she
arrived.

“Patty would only want to throw some clothes on,” I
guessed.  “She should be quick.”

“I’ll say she’s quick,” Doug said.  “Here she is!”

“
Pattycakes
!” shouted Doug.

“
Doogie
!”
 
shouted
Patty.  They swept each other up into a gleeful
bear hug.

After more than 20 years, the first thing they did was
revert back to their dumb nicknames.  Tina was not impressed.  So, of
course, I was delighted.  Truly, it was nice to see them get back
together.  Doug and Patty had been better friends than Doug and I had ever
been.

When Doug dumped me, Patty was in high school.  She was
just blooming into a pretty, talented, confident young woman.  She didn’t
take crap from anyone, certainly not Doug, and he respected that.  He had
told me, the one time we’d talked after our breakup, that he missed his “little
sis” Patty.  Patty had a gift for keeping in touch with everyone who’d
ever been part of her life, so my guess was that they stayed in loose contact,
especially with the advent of emails and
Facebook
. 
I never did ask her, because I didn’t want to put her on the spot or make her
choose her loyalties. 

Still, I couldn’t help contrasting this greeting with the
less than cordial one Doug and I had given each other at the start of this
everlasting night.  A spoiled romance nearly always ruins any hope of
friendship.  But I had to say, Doug had been here and back a couple times
now, and each time, he’d returned in jeans and the signature tank top which he
apparently still wore for showing off his muscles and chest hair.  Guess
he never got the memo that body hair for men had gone out of fashion, and that
beer guts were best hidden in less stretchy shirts.  But at least Patty
hadn’t seen him in boxers and white
teeshirt
,
clutching my bedspread and trying not to heave.   

Patty embraced me next.  “I remember the
backstory
, Dannie.  Guess the clock hasn’t reset yet.”

“Patty, thank you,” I said, with tears in my eyes. 
“I’m so glad you’re here!  Just don’t sign anything!”

“Gotcha, don’t worry.  We will figure this out. 
We have to get Jill here somehow, too.”  She turned to the Devil and said
flirtatiously, “Hey, Mr. Blue Eyes.  My sister didn’t tell me how good
looking you
are
.  What are you doing for the rest
of this century?”

“Patty, no!”
I said, shocked. 
“You’re playing with fire!”

The Devil grinned at her wickedly.  Had I really
considered his appearance so unprepossessing on first glance?  Clearly, my
judgment could not be trusted.  I watched, fascinated, as his appearance
morphed and he took on a younger, swashbuckling air.  He actually was good
looking.  Really good looking, if you like the sinister type.  I
rubbed my eyes. 

“Charmed to meet you, beautiful lady,” he said at his
liveliest, executing a bow and raising her hand to his lips. 
“Daemon Lucifer at your service.
  Well, not immediately
at your service, but I will be back in a short while.  It pains me to
leave you, but I have urgent business.  I will leave you all to discuss
this and decide how you want to proceed.”  His eyes caressed Patty. 
”We will talk later,” he promised.  She blew a kiss to him. 

He was gone.  “Gag me,” said Patty candidly. 

“Careful—that thought has probably already crossed his
mind,” I said.

“You must be Tina,” Patty said, as Doug brought his wife
over.  “Good thing we’re both here. 
Gotta
have cool heads in the room, right?”

“Especially with Satan gone for awhile,” agreed Tina. 

“Oh, I don’t know, he seems all right.  I’ll bet we can
get him to be reasonable.”

“Patty, what can we do?” I asked.  “Doug and I both signed
something saying that for a night of passion, the Devil can have our souls.”

“Is that the wording?” Tina asked, looking accusingly at
Doug. 

“Honey, I signed something just so I could get home.  I
didn’t read it very carefully.”

“Well, you knew you were going to relive a night with me
from way back when we were younger,” I reminded him.

Tina continued regarding Doug frostily.  “Honey,” Doug
pleaded, “it was the only way to get back home.”

Fortunately Patty stepped in.  “You guys need to fill
me in,” she announced.  “I got a quick phone call from Danielle a couple
hours ago and other than that, everything is sketchy to me.  What happened
first?”

“What happened first is that your sister told the Devil to
bring Doug to her, right at this hotel,” Tina informed her.

“Well, not exactly,” I said hastily.  “I was just
daydreaming about the past, you know, thinking it would be nice if he
were
here, but I was thinking of Doug at 23, not Doug the
way he is right now.” 

“Okay, I get it,” Patty said.  “I really do get
it.  Growing older with the person you love, that works fine. 
Running into someone you used to love, and finding out after twenty years that
they’ve changed and so have you, that isn’t always a good thing.”

“Exactly,” Doug said.

“It was awful,” I agreed. 
“Especially
since I wasn’t expecting it at all.”

“So Daemon Lucifer has how many signatures?” asked Patty.

“Just two,” I said.  “Plus Tina signed Doug’s name
before we had the exorcism.”

“The what?” asked Patty, eyes
wide.
 
“I missed that?”

“Tina conducted it.  It was awesome.  His head
spun all the way around,” I reported. 

“It wasn’t awesome,” Tina snapped.  “It didn’t work,
and Satan LAUGHED at us.” 

“It was my fault,” Doug said apologetically.  “I didn’t
use the right holy water.”

“Next time, I want to be here for the whole show,” said
Patty. 

“There isn’t going to be a next time,” Tina said with
assurance.

“It’s true,” I told Patty.  “We’ve had three attempts
at a night of passion which didn’t work.  Doug and I hate each other’s
guts—“

“Oh, you do not,” said Patty.  “You’re just both in a
bad situation and blaming each other.  If you were neighbors, you’d
probably be babysitting each other’s kids.”

I was impressed with this thought, but Tina snorted.

“Well,” Patty said hastily, “What was the Devil’s most
recent offer?”

“He offered to cancel our contract, since we were getting
nowhere with our night of passion—“

“ So
you didn’t go back in time?”
Patty asked.

“Well, yeah, we did.  But the only passion was in the
past.  I was sitting there cracking jokes.  I mean, really, how can
anyone watch or relive something like that, in the company of a stranger you
don’t even like?”

“Plus, Danielle had a good idea,” Doug volunteered. 
“She put so many limits on what she wanted to relive that he didn’t have much
to choose from—“

“Yeah, I actually wanted to relive something I had enjoyed,
which made it difficult!”

“Don’t fight,” Patty said.  “And don’t you start,” she
said, addressing Tina, who looked ready to go on the attack.  “So how did you
get from there to an exorcism?”

“Mr. Lucifer said we could just stay here, off the time
grid, until we eventually got our night of passion,” I explained.  “Well,
first he offered to give us a night in the present, only in our bodies from
twenty years ago.  By then we were so annoyed with each other that the
idea grossed us both out.  He keeps telling us that the contract says all
sales are final.”

“So when did Tina arrive with her holy water?”

“When he said we could stay here forever, I begged him to let
me say goodbye to Tina,” Doug explained, putting his arm around his wife as he
spoke. 

“So then Tina got here and started an exorcism,” I went
on.  “And it didn’t work.  And so they want their priest here to do
it right, without baby drool—“

“Without what?”
Patty interrupted.

“Never mind,” Tina said.

“But to do that, he wanted us all to sign a new contract
that if the exorcism didn’t work, he got to keep all three of our souls.”

“He’s a greedy soul-grabbing bastard,” Patty observed. 
“Very sharp.”

“Yeah, a real opportunist,” I agreed.  “And Tina
wouldn’t sign.”

“I’m not going to sign anything that trickster puts in front
of me.  I’m amazed that you two were so trusting,” Tina said
scathingly.  “And I have my children to think of.  They need at least
one of their parents.”

“So anyway, that’s where we are right now,” I finished.

“Okay,” Patty said thoughtfully.  “I’ve got a couple of
ideas.  First of all, what’s the date of the contract?”

“June 21, today’s date.”

“It’s been June twenty-first four times now,” said Doug
mournfully.

“How can he give you a night of passion from twenty years
ago when the contract is dated today?” wondered Patty.

“I thought of that,” I said, “and challenged him on
that.  “That’s why he offered us a new night, only in our old
bodies.  By then we were
freakin
’ sick of each
other.”

“Then he tried to trick us into signing something he called
a ‘hold harmless’ form, or something,” Tina put in.  “It wasn’t.  It
was a contract to get my soul as well.”

“She signed it, too,” I added.

“Oh, NO!”
Patty said, eyes
widening.

“I signed Doug’s name,” Tina said with pride.

“Oh, no,” Patty said again.

“They want their priest to try a real exorcism this time,
but that’s not going to happen as long as Tina has to sign a contract,” I
explained.  “So we’re stuck.”

“I’d really like to have Father Fritz here,” Doug said
mournfully. 

“How would that help?” Patty wanted to know.

“He might know how to deal with the Devil better than we’re
doing.  But it’s no go, not if Tina won’t sign.”

“Well, we don’t want anyone signing anything else,” Patty
said reasonably.  “Cut your losses.”

Tina looked at Patty with approval.  “Thank you! 
That’s exactly the point I was trying to make.”

“We need to get Jill here,” Patty said decisively.

“Well, let me check my phone, then,” I said.  “I know
she leaves a text at some point before 5 AM, but by the time I saw it, the
clock went back to 2 AM.”

“What does that mean?” asked Tina.

“Jill’s Danielle’s boss,” Patty explained.  “She’s a lawyer.”

“Honey, Danielle and I have been bouncing back and forth
between 2 AM and 5 AM.  This is the fourth time.”

“I’ve been trying to get hold of her,” I said.  “I sent
her a text at about 2 AM, because she’s the first person I thought of. 
She must have gotten up to pee and checked her phone, because when I checked my
phone at 5, I just caught a glimpse of it before we went back to 2 AM.”

“Geez, that’s confusing,” Patty commented.  “But you
know she’s going to text you sometime before 5, and this time you’ve got to
grab the chance to read it.”

“Yes,” I said, relieved that she understood. 

“Why not just call her?” Patty asked.

“Jill texts, Patty.
  You know
that.”

“Yeah, I remember her ‘Backstage Ass’ blast,” she
agreed.  “I still think you should call her, especially while Diablo is
out of the picture.”

“I’ll try, but I don’t think she has the phone on
ring. 
Maybe not ever.”

“Well, at least keep an eagle eye and ear open for an
incoming text.  Put it in your
teeshirt
pocket,”
she advised.

“What’s her number?” Tina asked.  “I’ll call her.”

“Honey, my cousin Karl’s a lawyer.  Why don’t we call
him instead?”

“Karl’s a tax attorney.  What kind of law does Jill
practice?” Tina asked me.

“She does
wills
and divorces.”

“Perfect.  She knows how to deal with nasty people.”

“She has a lot of really nice clients!” I said defensively.

“Let’s stick with Jill for now,” Patty cut in
decisively.  “She’s got your back, Dannie, just like I do.” 

But before we could act on this, or anything else, Daemon
Lucifer was back in the room, breathing a bit heavily.  And with him was
someone I recognized.