The Disappeared (36 page)

‘Silly.’
Lindiwe slapped Joshua’s arm, smiling at him with feigned reproach. ‘Well, in a
way, I didn’t really have much of a choice. Just like your brother, there wasn’t
any money for varsity.’ Lindiwe paused, staring in contemplation at Josh. ‘I
would really like to meet your brother some time.’

‘Yeah. That
would be awesome.’ Lindiwe could see that Joshua was genuinely touched by her
request. She smiled at him, loving the way his green eyes melted when he
returned the smile.

‘So, yes, I
had to work hard. I needed a scholarship. Or else. And I did. I worked so hard.
Right up until my final year at St Mary’s.’ Lindiwe stopped. Joshua who had
been listening while stroking her hand looked up.

‘Hey, what’s
wrong?’ A shadow had passed over Lindiwe’s face. ‘Did something happen?’ She
had cried too much today already. She wasn’t going to allow herself to break
down again. Lindiwe fought against the tears that threatened to overwhelm her.

‘Towards the
middle of the year, my final year ... she got sick.’ Lindiwe swallowed hard. ‘TB.
It started with a simple cough. And then came the blood. My mother was never a
big woman. But then the disease started eating away at her. All the late
nights, working so hard to support me, didn’t help much either.’ Lindiwe bit
her lower lip. She tried so hard. But the tears came anyway. ‘Just before my
preliminaries ... just before the exams ... she died.’ Lindiwe gave up. The
tears flowed freely. She looked up, feeling silly that she was crying yet again.
What she saw shocked her. Joshua was staring at her with great intensity. Tears
were rolling down his cheeks. Lindiwe got up on her knees and embraced him. ‘Oh
my beautiful baby, don’t cry. You’re too beautiful. Please don’t cry.’ She held
him as the tears coursed down her cheeks and wet his hair. She held him close.
And let go. ‘Look at us,’ she said laughing through tears. ‘Two cry babies.
What will everyone say?’

‘Lindi, I’m so
sorry,’ Joshua said, using his thumb to wipe tears from her eyes. ‘About your
mom. I’m so sorry.’

Lindiwe
smiled. ‘Thank you, my darling. It was a long time ago. But sometimes it feels
like it was just yesterday.’

‘Yeah, I know.
I know.’ Joshua kissed her on her forehead. He pulled her towards himself and held
her close. ‘What happened then?’

Lindi spoke
into his neck enjoying the warmth and the smell of him. ‘Well, what could I do?
I had to carry on. My aunts offered to take me in. But they lived all the way
in Mapumalanga. That was never going to work. I had to finish school. I wasn’t
going to come all that way just to give up right at the end.’ Lindiwe gently
pulled away from Joshua. She stroked his hair.

‘Damn. You’re
amazing,’ he said.

‘Thank you, my
sweet prince. You are too.’ Lindiwe pulled her gaze away from Joshua and
focused on a spot on the concrete floor. Unsure of how to continue. She
swallowed. ‘I was working towards the finals. This was right at the end of the
year. And then ... then my father started getting funny.’

Joshua
stiffened. ‘What do you mean?’

Lindiwe
continued. Choosing her words carefully. ‘One night, I was lying in bed. I
couldn’t sleep. It was just before the finals. And I was worried. I had
maintained an A average throughout the year. But all it took was one little
slip-up. I don’t know. I was just very stressed. It was late. I heard the door
open. Very slowly. As if the person didn’t want to wake me. Well, obviously it
was my father. Who else could it be? I heard him shuffle towards my bed.’
Lindiwe paused inhaling deeply.

‘Yes?’ Joshua’s
brow was creased in mounting anger.

‘He kneeled
next to my bed. And he started touching me. You know, in a way that a father
should never touch his daughter.’

‘Son of a
bitch! I will –’

Lindiwe placed
a finger on Joshua’s lips. ‘Baby, relax, okay?’ She kissed him softly on his
forehead. ‘Just like most things my father attempted in his life ... it was a
failure.’ Joshua looked at her with incomprehension. ‘I slapped him and told
him to get out of my room. And he did.’ Lindiwe thought of the sad pathetic man
she had been forced to call her father. The shell of a man that had always
existed with a huge gaping emptiness inside himself. Even as a little girl she
had thought of her father as a shadow. A non-entity. Especially when compared
to her formidable mother, he was never more than an outline. A line drawing.
She felt sorry for him. Then and now. Joshua wouldn’t understand but she did.
She felt pity for the man that was so formless and without centre. ‘He tried
again, a few months later. But his second attempt wasn’t much more successful
than the first.’ She took Joshua’s chin and lifted his face up to her. ‘You
must understand. It wasn’t the act itself that upset me. It was that he had
those thoughts in the first place. And that he tried to act on them, you understand.’
Joshua nodded. ‘In a way, those two ... incidents led directly to what happened
next in my life. In a way, what he did on that night ... led to this very moment,
right here.’

‘Wow. That’s
... heavy.’ Joshua exhaled slowly. ‘Crazy.’

‘Yes, my baby.
Crazy.’ Lindiwe brushed aside a strand of hair from Joshua’s face. She
continued. ‘I tried to ignore it. I tried to keep my mother’s image in my mind
and let that strengthen me. And inspire me. I knew how important it would be
for her that I succeed. But after that second time I knew it would never stop.
One day he would be drunk enough. Or aggressive enough. And he would overpower
me. Those last few months of my final year, I spent almost no time at home at
all. I don’t even know how I managed to write my finals. By the time I had
graduated I was essentially homeless ... moving from one friend to the next ...
to the next.’ Lindiwe paused staring into space. ‘That’s when I met Bongani.’
Joshua’s brow creased at the sound of the name. Lindiwe looked down at Joshua
and used her thumb to smooth his forehead. ‘This was a difficult time, baby.’
He nodded slowly. ‘I want you to know everything.’

‘Bongani.’

‘Yes, Bongani.
This was around December of that year. I got a job as a waitress. I was renting
a small cottage in a friend’s grandmother’s place. We went out one night after
a rough shift. Bongani was the bartender at this club.’ She inhaled nervously. ‘He
swept me off  my feet. I had never met anyone like him before. Someone that
streetwise and tough. I guess you could say I fell in love instantaneously. You
must understand. I had never been with a boy before. Never! I hadn’t even
properly kissed anyone yet. Any case, shortly afterwards I moved in with him.
It was the biggest mistake of my life.’ She looked at Joshua with concern. ‘I
don’t know. I’m sure you don’t want to –’

Joshua put a
hand on her arm. ‘I want to hear it. I want to know who you are.’

Lindiwe
trailed a finger along the contour of his lips. ‘Things were crazy right from
day one. Constant partying. Drugs. Booze. Crazy places. Crazy people. I admit
... I let myself go. I wasn’t able to get that scholarship I was aiming for. My
mother was dead. And I had lost anything even remotely like a family life
overnight. I was angry. At the world. At God. At Lindiwe, I guess. I let myself
go. Did so much drugs. But mostly it was drinking. All the time. And not just

(Good ole
Cullies)

anything. It
was all hard tack. Cheap and effective.’ Lindiwe pulled herself from Joshua’s
gentle embrace. She gripped bars with both hands and stared at the greasy light
pouring through the mesh window. ‘It carried on like this for about five years
or six years. And then, a few weeks before my twenty-fourth birthday ... I
became pregnant.’

Joshua’s eyes
widened in surprise. ‘Wow. I ... I had no idea.’

‘I tried to
stop. To stop the drinking. I tried so hard. But ...’ Lindiwe averted her face.
‘The baby was stillborn.’ Neither said anything. The silence was filled only
with Lindiwe’s heavy breathing. Lindiwe stood up turning sideways. ‘Bongani
left me. I was alone. And destitute. I couldn’t pay the rent. And soon I was
out on the street. This time I was properly homeless. I thought of suicide
constantly. I didn’t want to live like that.’ She turned to Joshua. ‘I was an
A-grade student, Joshua. Not a bag lady. I had dreams. Aspirations. I wanted to
become a lawyer. Not a bum.’ She turned her back to Joshua. ‘I tried to take my
life, several times. But I always backed out at the last moment. But then one
night. One night, was I was standing on the ledge of a building on Pretoria
Street, right in the heart of Hillbrow. And I knew. This was the night. This
was the night on which I was going to end it all. This time I wasn’t going to
back out again.’

Lindiwe paused.
The silence appeared to huge for the confined space and crammed into every
little hook and crack. Joshua kept his eyes focused the back of Lindiwe’s head.
He felt her pain and loss. ‘Lindiwe?’

She turned
around. ‘And then she appeared. Out of nowhere. Like an angel. Like a true-life
angel. And in one single night ... standing on top of a run-down Hillbrow
building with an old retired nurse ... my old life ceased to be. Just like
that.’ She walked towards Joshua. He stood up. She took his hand. ‘And here I
am.’ Joshua nodded smiling. ‘And here you are.’

There was a
sudden noise from the hallway. Both Lindiwe and Joshua’s heads snapped around. ‘Did
you –’

Jansen
appeared. He stood with his hands on his hips. ‘Well well well. What the hell
is going on here?’

‘I asked
Inspector Coetzee,’ Lindiwe said defiantly. ‘He said I could –’

‘What now? Are
we getting all lovey dovey with the prisoners. Huh?’

‘Leave us
alone.’ Lindiwe let go of Joshua’s hand and faced Jansen. ‘I brought him
something to eat.’

‘Oh I am very
very sure of that.’ Jansen took a menacing step towards Lindiwe. ‘So what? You
finally got tired of computer boy. Huh? And you thought you’d get yourself some
prison meat.’

Joshua grabbed
the bars. Teeth clenched. Fire in his eyes. ‘Why don’t you just relax dude?’

‘Why don’t you
just shut the fuck up, cunt.’ Jansen shot Joshua a look of pure unfiltered
hatred. ‘I’m busy talking to the ...
lady
here.’ He moved towards
Lindiwe. He unhooked his baton from his belt and pushed the tip of the hard
plastic under her chin. He lifted her head towards him. She felt his hot rancid
breath on her face. Behind her Lindiwe could hear Joshua shift. ‘Don’t you try
anything. You got me. This white trash,’ he said indicating Joshua with his
head, ‘is the property of the government of South Africa.’ He trailed the tip
of his baton slowly down her long neck. Slowly. Down. Between the valley formed
by her collarbones. ‘And don’t forget.’ He leaned into her. The baton moved
further down. Down her chest. Between her breasts. He made little concentric
circles. Widening. Until he was nearly. Nearly. Touching the upper curve of her
breasts. Lindiwe could hear Joshua’s tense, laboured breathing. ‘You’re still
only a black bitch from the township.’

Lindiwe
stepped back and smacked the baton away. ‘Get away from me, you piece of shit.’

Jansen laughed
sardonically. Rapaciously. ‘If you’re looking to fuck a real man, you know
where I live,
Sarafina
.’ He looked at Joshua and smirked. Then back at
Lindiwe. ‘And don’t you even think of trying anything. I’ve got my eye on you.’
He puckered his lips into a kiss. And then. Suddenly.

His eyes
glazed over. The blind hatred. And the cockiness. Disappeared. Something like
uncertainty.

Fear?

Crept into his
eyes. For a split second he was a little boy. About to be spanked.

‘No. No. I
will. Try harder.’ Jansen was stammering. In the voice of a child.

Josh and Lindi
looked at each other. Shocked.

‘Please don’t.
Let the red get. Me. I can be. A good. Person.’ He broke into panicky sobbing
fit. ‘Please don’t. Please. Don’t. Don’t.’

Jansen
stumbled from the cells and disappeared down the corridor. There was stunned
silence as both Josh and Lindi stared after him. They turned to each other
again.

‘Holy shit,’
Joshua said. ‘That guy is
flippin’
insane.’ Lindiwe remained quiet. All
of her hatred and fear of Jansen was temporarily forgotten. Buried under a
mountain of shock and bewilderment. ‘Have you ever seen anything like that in
your life before.’ Joshua laughed in astonishment. ‘Holy shit! Holy shit! This
whole town is crazy. Off the scale.’ He turned to Lindiwe. ‘Are you alright? I’m
telling you. That guy was lucky there was a prison door between us.’

‘I’m fine.’
Lindiwe still stared at the space where Jansen had been.

‘Lindi.’ She
didn’t acknowledge him, staring intently into the darkness of the hallway. ‘Lindi!’
Joshua touched her lightly. Lindiwe jumped and looked at him in bewilderment.

‘I’m sorry. He
just has a way of upsetting me.’

‘Lindi? What’s
going on? What the hell is wrong with this place?’ There was an uneasiness in
his voice she had never heard before. He looked terrified.

‘Baby, I’m not
exactly sure. We have –’

‘That guy.
Duggan, right? He came to speak to me. Why? I mean it looked like he had some
ideas. Lindiwe, you have to tell me. What the hell is going on? Nothing in this
place is normal. Everything’s upside down.’

Lindiwe rushed
towards him. ‘Baby, please don’t worry. It’s going to be fine.’

‘Please tell
me what’s going on. Please.’

Lindiwe
stroked his cheek. And told him. Everything. Everything Duggan had told her.
Everything that had happened. She told him about the missing people. And the
survivors in the restaurant. About Minki’s strange visions. And the barricades
that Jones had seen. When she had done, Joshua stared at her in disbelief. ‘Chemicals
weapons. What the ...? This is the Free State. Not Iraq.’