“Help me? You can’t help me.” He stumbled backward, his huge body shaking uncontrollably. “Just… go. Leave me alone.”
Michelle staggered blindly out of the room, not knowing whether or not she still had a job.
Erik closed his eyes and grabbed the back of the sofa to stop the trembling. His gut crunched painfully. He opened his mouth and took deep breaths into his constricted lungs, then fell to the floor, his head bowed in misery. He wept inside, but didn’t shed a single tear. How could he have been so blind to his baby’s pain?
Michelle was right for accusing him of being a neglectful father who was wallowing in self-pity and guilt.
Damn her for being right
.
The truth hurt like hell. For two years he’d hidden behind his grief, afraid to face his loss because the future had seemed so bleak without his wife. He’d tried to imagine that it was just a long bad dream and that Cassie would come back to him. He’d told himself that she was on an extended vacation and that life would return to normal after she came home and they resolved that last stupid argument.
But she wasn’t coming home. She was gone forever. He’d spent two years feeling sorry for himself, and denied his daughter the only other parent she had.
It had taken Michelle Carter, a girl from the wrong side of Manchester’s tracks, to yank him out of his trance.
Damn her
! He slammed his elbows into the back of the sofa. Damn her for slapping him with the truth, for forcing him to face reality, to do what Cassie had asked as he’d held her bleeding mangled body in his arms on that dark horrible night.
“Oh, Erik, you know how I hate tears. Don’t cry, darling. Just live. Live, and take care of our baby. Love her, Erik. Love her for me. Tell her I’m sorry for—”
Cassie’s last unfinished request pierced him cruelly. All this time he thought Cassie had asked him to tell Precious she was sorry for leaving her, when in fact she’d been sorry for being angry at her. And all this time, Precious thought it was her fault her mother wasn’t here.
God, it was nobody’s fault but his. His alone.
Erik pushed off the floor and climbed the stairs two at a time, and headed in the direction of Precious’ room. Her door was ajar and the light from the hall fell across her small form. Erik felt a tightening in his chest as he gazed at his child.
She was so beautiful and innocent. She shouldn’t be saddled with the guilt of her mother’s death. No child should. He’d spent two years wallowing in his own guilt when he should have been there for her, absorbing her pain, getting to know her the way her mother knew her. He was the only parent she had, and he’d let her down. Cassie must be so disappointed in him.
Erik moved closer to the bed where she lay with Bradie clutched in her arms. His jaws flinched when he saw the white streaks on her cheeks. She’d been crying. God, he hoped she hadn’t heard his argument with Michelle. As angry as he’d been, he’d tried to keep his voice low so it wouldn’t carry up the stairs.
Erik sat on the side of the bed and picked up her limp, warm body. He laid her across his lap, cradling her head against his chest. Unbidden tears rolled down his cheeks and melted into her head of tangled curls. He just held her, and allowed the essence of her innocent childhood to seep under his skin, melt his pain.
“I’m sorry, Precious. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. It’s not your fault, Muffin. Your mommy loved you very much. That was the last thing she said to me. She asked me to take care of you, and I haven’t been doing that, have I? Baby, I promise I’ll try from now on. I’ll do my best to love you the way she did.”
Precious stirred and clutched the front of his shirt. “Mommy.”
Erik held his breath, his heart racing in his chest. “Precious,” he whispered.
“Daddy.”
“Yes, baby. It’s daddy.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too, baby.”
He gazed into her face. Her eyes were still closed. Was she dreaming or did she know he was actually holding her? Dreaming or not, her words sent a feeling of genuine filial warmth rushing through Erik’s heart. Something he hadn’t felt for a long, long time.
***
The sounds of laughter caught Erik’s attention as he came down the stairs. He followed it to the family room where he found Michelle and Precious on a couple of oversized pillows on the floor in front of the wall-mounted TV.
With mild interest, he noted the contrast of Michelle’s short black hair to his daughter’s long brown mane. They were both wearing white shorts and cotton tops. New clothes, he noted with a smile, glad that Michelle had something new, something of her own to wear.
Watching them brought back memories of coming home to find Cassie and Precious sprawled on the floor—sometimes reading, sometimes playing a board game, sometimes having tea with her dolls, and sometimes watching TV. And just as Michelle was enjoying Bugs Bunny—Precious’ favorite cartoon—so had Cassie.
He wasn’t sure what to make of his comparisons between his wife and his daughter’s new nanny. He never had the same thoughts about Holly even though she’d participated in the same activities with Precious. Perhaps his feelings were derived from the fact that Precious had taken to Michelle like lightening to a rod when it had taken her weeks to warm up to Holly. His daughter had known Michelle for exactly one day and she’d already shared her heart’s deepest fears and secrets with her—fears and secrets she couldn’t share with him—her own father.
He, too, had succumbed to the magical spell of this beautiful woman when he’d told her about Cassie just hours after they’d met. Then last night, she’d made him face his own harrowing fears. There was no denying it: there was something special about Michelle.
Was she an angel?
A wistful expression crowded his face as he wondered if Precious remembered him holding her last night. He dreaded their impending talk about the day her mother died, but he knew it had to be done today if their relationship was to improve. He couldn’t have his daughter carrying the guilt of her mother’s death or worrying about him leaving her any longer.
Bang!
Bang!
Michelle and Precious roared with laughter as Elmer Fudd fired his shotgun only to discover that the mischievous rabbit had bent the barrel backward so it went off in the hunter’s face. Erik found himself grinning as well.
As his eyes fixated on Michelle’s firm buttocks, slim hips, and a narrow waist he could easily span with his hands, his grin faded. Bolts of lightning shot through his veins as he imagined her sleek thighs and long smooth brown legs wrapped around his waist. The woman was temptation, personified. And she made him hard and hot and heavy. Erik knew his feelings went far beyond the physical when he found himself imagining a little boy with short black hair and black eyes lying beside Michelle and his daughter.
“Hey you two,” he said, walking into the room. He needed something—anything—to derail those dangerous thoughts.
Precious jumped up and ran over to wrap her arms around his thighs. She gazed up at him with excitement. “We’re watching Bugs Bunny. You wanna watch him with us, Daddy?”
“In a little while, dear. You and I need to have a talk, first.”
Erik’s eyes followed Michelle’s movements as she uncurled from the pillow and rose to her feet. When her gaze locked with his, he saw the uncertainty in her eyes. After last night, the tension between them was understandably tenuous. It wouldn’t take much to shatter it completely.
“I’ll go... for a walk or something,” she said heading toward the door.
It was Saturday, and Mrs. Hayes was off for the weekend. Holly used to have every other weekend off, depending on his schedule. She would have been free today, thus Michelle was free. But he wanted to keep her around. He told himself it was because it was her third day on the job, and she needed to get used to her new routine, but his heart knew better.
“Wait, Michelle. After my talk with Precious, I’d like to take us out to breakfast, that is if you have no other plans.”
“You don’t have to, Erik. I’m—”
“It’s a peace offering after last night.” He wanted to apologize for the insensitive words he’d said to her, but couldn’t do so in front of Precious. She’d done him a wealth of good. He wondered how he could ever repay her.
She nodded her head in acknowledgment then left him alone with his daughter.
“I had a dream last night, Daddy.” Precious jumped on his lap the minute he dropped onto the sofa.
“Was it good, or bad?”
“Good, Daddy. If it was bad then it would be a nightmare.”
“You’re so wise.” He nudged her nose with his. “So what did you dream about? Me?”
She laughed. “No. I dreamt about Mommy. She was brushing her hair and I was putting on all her jewelry in her jewelry box. She said I looked pretty. And then she said she loved me.”
Erik’s heart stopped for a minute and he tightened his hold on her. She must have heard Michelle tell him about the lost bracelet then cried herself to sleep. Erik was not a superstitious man, but something told him that Cassie had seen her daughter’s pain and had visited her dreams to comfort her. “And she does love you, honey,” he said, his voice cracking a little.
“Even in heaven?”
“Even in heaven.” He took a deep breath, and cradling her face in his hand, he gazed into her eyes. “Michelle told me what happened the day Mommy died. It wasn’t your fault, Precious. You had nothing to do with what happened to her. You must always remember that she did love you, very much. You were the most important thing in the world to her. The last thing she said to me was how much she loved you.”
“She did?”
“Yes. Would you like to have this?” He placed the bracelet in her hand. “It was your mother’s favorite and I’m sure she would love for you to have it.”
Tears gathered in her eyes as she stared at the bracelet glittering against her palm. “I’m sorry I took it, and made Mommy mad.”
Erik pulled her close. “It’s okay, baby. Mommy isn’t mad anymore. And, Precious,” he continued, “I am not going anywhere. I will always be here for you.” Erik prayed in his heart that he wasn’t making a promise he couldn’t keep. But the child needed to be reassured that she had one parent she could count on. “If you ever think I’m being too hard on you, I want you to tell me. I won’t get upset and I won’t leave you. Okay?” He searched her face for an inkling of understanding.
“Okay, Daddy. You know what else?” she said after a brief pause.
Her brown eyes beamed with excitement, touching Erik in the deepest part of his soul. “What else?”
“Last night I dreamt you came into my room, and you were holding me, and you told me you loved me.”
“I had that very same dream, Precious.”
“Oh, Daddy. We were in each other’s dreams.” She pressed her lips against her father’s cheek then wrapped her arms around his neck.
“We will always be in each other’s dreams, my darling Precious.
Always
. Now, where would you like to go for breakfast?” he asked as he set her on the floor.
“McDonald’s.”
“Oh, Precious…”
“But, I love the pancakes.”
Erik grimaced, getting to his feet. “Go get Michelle. She’ll be delighted to know I’m taking her to McDonald’s on our first date.”
As Precious ran in search of Michelle, Erik pondered on his choice of words.
Date
? Did he actually say,
date
?
He went into the study, got his cell from his desk and slipped it into his shirt pocket. On his way out, he stopped at the door and gazed up at the picture of his wife. He instantly felt like a traitor for even thinking about taking another woman out for a simple breakfast.
“I’m just thanking her for bringing me to my senses about our little girl. You understand, right?” he said to the portrait.
He waited as if he expected a response. “I’m not breaking any rules,” he continued as the two-year-old conversation between his wife and his best friend surfaced in his mind, reluctantly pulling him back into his friend’s kitchen that awful night.
“You have to tell Erik, Cassie. Tonight. I can’t keep lying to him. He’s my best friend.”
“I can’t, Clay. It will kill him. I can’t hurt him like that. He loves me so much.”
“Yes, he does love you. And it will break his heart, but he’ll... he’ll heal. He’ll forgive you and move on. He’ll still have Precious and—”
Unable to take any more, Erik barged into the kitchen. “What the hell is going on here? Are you two having an affair?”
Both Cassie and Clayton jumped at the sound of his voice. Cassie, being Cassie, just stood there, looking all sweet and innocent, staring at him with her big brown eyes and ringing her hands while Clayton immediately confronted him.
“Damn it, Erik. What the hell kind of question is that?”
He collared his best friend. “I heard you tell her that she has to tell me. I knew there was something going on between the two of you. All the secret stares when you think I’m not watching, the secret meetings of late—”
“Stop it, Erik,” Cassie begged. “Just stop it, please.”
And true to her character, Cassie ran out into the night through the back door.
He’d found her standing beside their car, crying. It was the second time he’d seen his wife cry in all the years he’d known her. The first was when she’d held their newborn daughter in her arms for the first time.
After Cassie’s death, he’d asked Clayton about the conversation he’d overheard. His friend had just looked at him and said, “What does it matter now? Cassie is dead. Let it go, Erik.”
Then Clayton, whom he’d known since med school, pulled up his roots and left New Hampshire. Erik had no idea where he’d gone. It was just as well. He really didn’t want answers to the questions in his head. He’d taken Clayton’s advice and let it go, that is, until now. Could it be that he wanted the truth now that he’d met a woman to whom he was potently attracted? Was he looking for closure so he could move on?