The Downstairs Maid (38 page)

He moved his head negatively on the pillow but didn’t say anything. Emily walked away, her shoulders back and her head high. Outside the ward, she stopped and took out her handkerchief, wiping away the foolish tears.

‘Don’t cry, lass. You were wonderful in there,’ Bill Johnson said. ‘I shall have to go home and tell his mother the news. She may pluck up the courage to come and visit him now. Will you be all right here alone for a couple of days?’

‘Yes, of course. You need to see your wife. I can find a room near the hospital so that I can visit often.’

‘I’ll help you get settled and then I’ll be off,’ he said. ‘I’m proud of you for the way you’ve stood by my lad, Emily. I’ll give you some money. I don’t want you going short while you’re here.’

Emily would have refused, but knew he wouldn’t give in. He was a proud man like his son and wanted to do right by her.

‘Could you send a message to the manor – let them know I’m staying here for a while. I’ll need to report back to work in a few days, but I’m sure they will understand that I have to give notice. Christopher comes first now.’

‘Aye, I’ll do that for you. I meant what I said, Emily. Don’t you worry about money or the future. You stand by him and you won’t lose by it. I’ll see you have a roof over your heads and enough to live on.’

‘Thank you – but we have to wait for Christopher to accept what has happened. I shall be there if he needs me, but if he can’t bear …’ She shook her head. ‘We won’t think about that just yet. We have to think about him getting better …’

‘I can see a little now,’ Christopher said as Emily sat by his bed that morning, a week after she’d first visited him at the hospital. ‘They’ve been bathing my eyes and the sight is coming back little by little. The doctor says I’ll see almost as well as before – but it’s my hands that are the worst. I’ve lost three fingers on my left hand and the rest are badly burned. I shan’t be able to work with wood the way I could, Emily.’

‘When you’re well again you’ll find a job of some kind,’ Emily assured him. ‘I know you must be suffering a lot of pain but …’

‘It’s not the pain,’ he said. ‘You know I’ll be scarred and … it’s not fair on you, Emily. You’re so lovely. You could find someone else and have a much better life than I’ll be able to give you.’

‘You were there for Pa and me when we needed you. You’re my friend and I love you,’ Emily said. ‘I’m not going to walk out on you, Christopher. I know you have a lot of frustration and pain to face but I’ll do what I can to help – and if we love each other enough we’ll get through it.’

‘Can you really bear it?’

‘You’re the one who has to bear it,’ Emily said. ‘I can’t take the pain away or the frustration. You’ll be angry but you mustn’t be bitter. You’re alive and your injuries will heal in time.’

Christopher was silent for a moment, then, ‘I know you’re right, Emily. We saw them in the trenches every day. They lost their arms, legs, some of them had their guts hanging out and others had no face left. Some were patched up and sent down the line, others we buried where we could.’

‘It must have been hell for you. We can read what they say in the papers but we have no true idea of what it’s like over there.’

‘It’s as well you don’t, Emily love. One of the worst things was waiting for letters from home. Some of the men got letters that drove them to tears – wives, sweethearts, letting them down.’

‘I would never let you down, Christopher. If I say I’ll marry you I will.’

‘Aye, I know and I’m lucky,’ he said. ‘I hope you won’t regret it.’

‘Well, I’m about to be given my marching orders,’ Emily said. ‘Sister is looking at me in a meaningful way. I’ll come again this evening.’

‘What will you do until then?’

‘Oh, look round the shops – and there’s a volunteer meeting in town this afternoon.’

‘You make the best of everything, don’t you?’ Christopher turned his head towards her as she bent to kiss his mouth. ‘I really love you, Emily. I promise I’ll get right again for you.’

‘I’m sure you will when you’re well enough,’ Emily said. ‘Now I’d better go or Sister will have my guts for garters.’

A laugh broke from Christopher, followed by a moan of pain. She touched his arm and then left, stopping at the ward door to glance back at him and wave. He might not be able to see clearly but he would know.

Emily felt much better as she left the hospital. Out in the fresh air she could breathe more easily and take stock of what was happening. The streets were busy as people rushed from one place to another, their lives carrying on as usual. People got on buses and trams, did their shopping, went to the theatre and listened to the music as the Sally Army played hymns in the square. Life didn’t stop just because a man was killed and another badly injured; it was only his loved ones that were left to pick up the pieces and carry on.

Christopher was so much more cheerful now that he could begin to see shapes again. He was hopeful for the future and that was all she could ask for. The struggle to get well would be long and difficult but at least he’d accepted that she wasn’t going away. She would be with him, helping him where she could. It was true that for a long time she might be more of a nurse than a wife to him, but she wouldn’t mind that, because she loved him in her fashion. It wasn’t romantic love or the love she might have known with someone else – but that was impossible anyway. Emily was one for facing the reality of life and the reality was that she couldn’t walk away from Christopher. If she’d done that she wouldn’t have been able to forgive herself.

She was feeling hungry. She would find a little café, have something to eat and then go to that volunteer meeting. The shops were interesting but she didn’t want to waste her money, because she might need it in future and there was nothing she particularly needed, so she would spend her afternoon listening to women talk about why they should have more rights.

It was nearly four in the afternoon when Emily left the meeting. It had been a little noisy, because some of the women had been angry about the way the government was running things, and shouted abuse from time to time. Emily suspected they might be members of the Suffragettes, who could not resist the opportunity to bring in politics, despite their leaders declaring a cessation of protests until the end of the war.

There had been murmurs of disagreement and some of the same opinion. The dissension continued throughout the meeting, ending in one woman who was screaming abuse being hustled out of the room. Emerging into a bitterly cold afternoon as the meeting ended, Emily turned up her coat collar and began to walk briskly towards the hospital. The lights were on, because it was dark and the shops would soon be closing for the night. Visiting time wasn’t for another hour or so yet. She would have time to drink a cup of tea and eat a sandwich in the hospital canteen before visiting time began. She saw a man selling newspapers and glanced at the headlines, which were dour. It wasn’t worth buying a paper with that sort of news, but she might buy a magazine to read when she went back to her lodgings after leaving Christopher. The nights were the worst, sitting in a small room by a tiny gas fire and thinking about things that she would rather not think about, because she was alone and there was nothing else to do. She was used to being busy and the time seemed endless.

It was as she reached the hospital that she heard someone shout her name and she turned, looking to see who it could be.

‘Emily …’ the voice came again and then she saw him standing under the light; he was striding towards her, making her heart beat wildly. He was so handsome in his uniform and her chest felt so tight that she could scarcely breathe. ‘I’m so glad I found you. I asked Sister and she told me you came every evening so I thought I’d wait.’

‘Mr Nicolas,’ Emily gazed up at him, a smile of pleasure on her lips. ‘It was kind of you to come down …’

‘We’re all concerned about you,’ he said. ‘Amy wanted to know if you were all right for money. Are you? Is there anything you need – anything I can do for you?’

‘I’m going to have a cup of tea and a bun before I visit,’ Emily said. ‘Shall we go inside where it’s warmer?’

‘Yes, of course. It feels cold enough for snow.’

‘I was thinking that on the way here. I’d been to a Suffragette meeting and I didn’t know how cold it was until I came out afterwards.’

‘This is a sorry business for you, Emily. I’ve seen Christopher and told him that if he needs work when he’s on his feet again I might have a job for him. I’m thinking of buying more properties and letting them out and I’ll need an agent to look after them for me.’

‘That’s good of you, sir. What did Christopher say?’

‘He said he’d been thinking of looking for work like that – apparently, Sir Arthur is back in the country and he’s offered Christopher a similar position on his estate. Christopher’s father was there when I visited earlier – Sister very kindly let me have five minutes with them.’

They had reached the canteen. Wooden tables were set in rows, many of them taken, people sitting and talking in hushed tones as they drank lukewarm tea and waited to see their loved ones. Most of them had shopping bags filled with fruit, magazines or sweets they’d somehow managed to scrounge to bring for the patients.

‘There’s an empty table near the window,’ Nicolas said. ‘You bag it for us, Emily, and I’ll bring our tea.’

Emily did as she was bid, watching as he selected some sandwiches and cakes, which he loaded onto a tray and brought back to her.

‘This feels odd,’ she said, giving him a shy smile as he unloaded his tray. ‘It’s what
I
usually do.’

‘You’re not at the manor now,’ Nicolas said. ‘I doubt if you’ll be back if you marry Christopher – and that makes us equals. You’re not a servant and I can wait on you if I like.’

‘I’m not grumbling,’ Emily said and laughed. ‘It was lovely of you to give me that pendant, Mr Nicolas – but you know I can’t keep it, don’t you?’

‘I hope very much that you will accept the gift of a friend. I know that’s all we can be to each other now – but I want you to know that I care about you, Emily. I wouldn’t want you to make a terrible mistake by marrying for the wrong reasons.’

Emily looked into his eyes. She was sure that he wanted to say more, but of course he couldn’t. Even if he loved her, as she loved him, his family would never have allowed them to marry. Besides, she could not desert Christopher when he needed her so badly.

‘Christopher needs me …’ Emily shook her head and reached across the table to touch his hands. ‘Thank you, sir. I … appreciate you coming to see me.’ Her voice caught on a sob. ‘What I feel for Christopher isn’t romantic love – but don’t ask me to walk away. Nothing will make me desert him now.’

‘You wouldn’t be the girl I think you, if you said anything different. Amy doesn’t truly understand – but I told her even before I came that you would stand by your friend.’

Emily swallowed hard. ‘You mustn’t think it’s a sacrifice. If this hadn’t happened, I might still have wed him, because he loves me … but now he’s so ill and I want to help him. I care for him in my way and I couldn’t hurt him.’ She lifted her gaze to meet his. ‘Please understand why …’ Emily wanted so much to tell him that she loved him, and only him, but it wouldn’t be right. Nothing could ever come of her love, even if it was returned.

‘Yes, I do understand,’ Nicolas said and held her hands across the table. Something in his eyes made her heart ache, because they said so much he could never put into words. ‘Please keep my gift, Emily. You could always sell it if you needed money in the future. If you ever need help, either Amy or I will be there for you.’

Her eyes stung with tears and she gave a little shake of her head. ‘I shall stay here until they move Christopher nearer his home. The doctor said it would be a few weeks before he will be fit to be moved. It isn’t just the external injuries – the smoke and gasses affected his lungs and he’ll be a while before he recovers.’

‘Yes, of course.’ Nicolas let go of her hands and sipped his tea. ‘Not quite like Amy’s Earl Grey but better than we get at base. Can you manage for money? I’m quite happy to give you some if it helps.’

‘I have enough for the moment, thank you.’

‘You wouldn’t ask me even if you hadn’t.’

‘Christopher wouldn’t want me to take what he’d see as charity but I know you mean well, Mr Nicolas.’

‘Can’t we drop the Mr and be just Nicolas and Emily?’

‘I suppose so – as long as no one can hear us.’ Emily laughed. ‘Mrs Hattersley would be shocked. She would tell me to remember my place.’

‘You have your own place … a very special place, Emily …’ His knuckles had turned white as he gripped the teacup. For a moment she heard the pain in his voice and her heart caught. He did love her, but he couldn’t tell her.

She shook her head. ‘I’m nothing special.’

‘That is a matter of opinion.’ He laughed but his eyes seemed to hold hers, beseeching her. She felt the pain twist in her heart. ‘You know you’re special to me but my family … they wouldn’t …’ He broke off and his eyes dropped away from her gaze.

A burst of laughter from the corner of the room made Emily look at the group of young men in uniform. They were probably waiting to visit one of their friends, but were managing to make light of the situation. She imagined they’d become used to seeing their friends either injured or dying over the past weeks. Christopher had been so proud to join up and fight for his country. She couldn’t let him down now, even if she did have feelings for Nicolas.

‘Yes, I know … please don’t say any more. It could never work between us.’ Emily swallowed hard. ‘I’m sorry, but I’ve made my decision.’

‘I think of you when I’m in the thick of it. You’re my talisman … all the bright things of my life.’

‘Please don’t …’ Emily’s eyes stung with tears. His words were tearing at her heart. ‘I ought to go. Christopher will be expecting me.’

‘Can I see you again – take you home? We could go for a meal or to the theatre …’ He looked desperate, as if fighting himself or his emotions.

Emily hesitated, tempted, and then shook her head. ‘No, I don’t think it would be wise, do you? I’ve given Christopher my promise and there’s no going back.’ She reached up and undid the clasp of the diamond pendant, then took his hand and deposited it on his palm. ‘I think you should have this back, don’t you?’