The Fated Dance: Bound to the Shadow Dancer (11 page)

“I’m sorry,” his voice breaks.

I look up into his tear glazed eyes and place my fingers on his cheek. “For?”

“For pursuing you, when death pursues me.” He props his forehead on mine.

“Never say that again.” I thread my arm around his back, and let my head snuggle into his neck.

I’m going to do everything I can to extend what we are. No matter how short our time together is. It is what we do now that will always be ours, and even death can’t take that away.

My Wishes

The nurses are no longer trying to stick me with needles, or place tubes where they shouldn’t be. Now they are removing them, quietly. It’s strange. I’ve become suspended in a state of calm, and feel an air of monumental relief.

Jen sits in the plastic chair with her body slumped over before the window. She doesn’t want to leave me in case I stop breathing. She’s exhausted, and her bloodshot swollen eyes are bothering me. As I look at her, I feel shameful for putting her through all this. I don’t want her here. Some things you just need to do alone.

“Jen, go and get some rest… coffee… something,” I snap unintentionally as the nurse wheels the trolley full of bloody cotton buds, needles, and wires, outside.

I take my blue jeans from the base of the bed, thread them over my legs, and remove the unflattering hospital gown. I now have the daunting task of telling Henry and my father of my fate, and my endgame. Last thing I need is her sobbing in the corner.

“How can you be okay about this, Grayson?” she snivels. “Will you talk to me?” she yells.

Feeling a wave of guilt I crouch down before her. “I am, and I need to do this alone. You can go and live your life, Jen. I will never ever hold that against you.” I brush away her tears with my thumb. “I know what I’m doing, and I’ve been planning it for a long time. I just never realized it would become a reality.”

Her dark brow wrinkles deep in fury. “What do you mean?”

“I’m going away,” I sigh. “I’m going to die the way I want to… and it would be better if we part ways here.”

She pushes my arm away and glares. “Are you being serious?”

I stand and walk to the window, to see the early morning stars across the light dusky blue sky. The kind of beauty I want to be surrounded by. No cars, no responsibilities, no rat-race. Just peace and quiet.

“Jen, I should have stayed far away from you,” I say, looking down at her. “I won’t allow you to watch me die.”

She stands and thrusts the chair across the floor as she jumps to her feet. I look over my shoulder and see her pure wrath.

“You really are a selfish stubborn asshole,” she growls. “And yeah, you’re right, you should have stayed away.”

“Please… don’t be like this.” My teeth lock down, realizing the pain I’ve caused.

I turn to face her directly. I never wanted to hurt her. Now, I’m only trying to protect her. Not being with her will be hell, but so will my end, and I don’t want her remembering me that way.

“It’s too damn late,” she cries. “You made me fall in love with you, and now you think you can call the shots on this,” she yells. “I can’t walk away. I have to be with you, Grayson!”

“I’m sorry but...” I take her in my arms so her hair brushes against my bare chest. “I don’t want you to suffer over me. I don’t need to watch you grieve when I’m still here.”

“I won’t let you do it alone… it’s not open for debate,” she says, squeezing my neck desperately. “I will hunt you down if you try.”

“You’re impossible, Ms. Conner.” I grin and kiss her forehead, realizing she won’t back down. “Go and get a coffee… I’ve got to talk with Henry and my father.”

She exhales and pulls away from me with a sniffle. “You don’t need me to stay?”

“Not a good idea.” I grab my burgundy shirt from the bed and slip my arms through.

She pecks my lips, sweeps her hand over my face with a frustrated breath, and leaves me fastening the buttons on my shirt.

The problem I have with this is not my father, but Henry. I’ve been with that man one way or another, throughout my life. He’s been the one who has advised me. Pulled me through some pretty rough times. And has always been loyal without fault.

Henry enters first, then my father, who clearly would rather be somewhere else.

“Why are you dressed?” he asks, sharp as always. “And why do you insist on that girl knowing more about your health, than your own flesh and blood?”

Yep, I envisaged those words coming from his caustic lips. He wouldn’t even dream of asking me how I am. His purpose toward me has always been simple: I am to do as he says, and not question or argue. I am not to show any kind of emotion, because that would be seen weak. I’ve never really been his son. I was intended as a mini clone of himself. Same upbringing. Same education. But in all departments I have always been a disappointment. I used to hate him, but now I pity him. I have felt more love with Jen than what he has in a lifetime. He can’t help being cold, and I do forgive him.

“Because I’m leaving,” I calmly say. “And I wanted Jen here with me.”

“What?”

“I’m going to spend what time I have left, doing things the way I want,” I say.

Father’s lip quivers. It’s a sight of such rarity, it knocks me for six. I turn to Henry. He sits down in the chair by the door rubbing his head. Even though his reaction was expected, I’m finding it hard to be strong and not fall to pieces.

“Why didn’t Jenkins tell me what the hell is going on?” my father frantically paces. “I give a substantial donation to this hospital every month. I have the right to know, to have a say in this, Grayson.”

I have never done this, shown warmth to my father, but now my feet move cautiously toward him. My soul is wheedling me to do the right thing; to be tolerant of his detached existence.

I press my hand down on his shoulder, and he stops dead in his tracks with a tear rolling from his eye. Unexpectedly, he pulls me close into his rigid body and pats my back. He takes a step back, but is finding it impossible to speak.

“Dad… it’s okay.” He declines his head, snivels, and hurries outside, unable to handle this sentimental goodbye.

My view remains on the window. It would have been much easier if he had stayed. Now I have to face Henry, alone. The most veiled emotional man I know. I can hear it in his breathing, his upset, and the moment I do look at him, I know I’ll crumble.

“So,” he says as my eyes automatically close. “How long?”

Still, I can’t move my neck to face him. “You know Henry… not long enough.”

I hear him walk to me. My eyelids remain fused together as his hand takes ahold of my forearm.

“Grayson.” His arms give me that paternal embrace I’ve always missed out on.

“Now you call me Grayson,” I smirk.

He sniffs and draws away from me. “Whatever you need,” he says, all choked up.

“Stop crying for a start, Henry.” I blow out, trying to keep my cool. “I’m going to my summerhouse. And I want to do this alone.”

“Jen?” he enquires.

I laugh lightly. “Yeah, well, she’s not as receptive to the idea.”

“And why should she be,” he nearly yells. “Wild horses couldn’t stop her… not now.”

“Yes, I’m fully aware,” I sigh. “She’s already stated that fact to me,” I grumble.

“You know about her parents,” he snivels. “She’ll need to be with you… for closure.”

“I know.” I expel air in regret, knowing that my mistakes in chasing her, will cause her misery. “Henry, I love her, and I can’t let her do this.” I gulp down, forcing a tear to stay inside.

“Son,” he breathes out. “Love isn’t just roses, sex, and skipping in the sunshine. It’s also dark and painful at times. If she feels the same way about you, you won’t be able to keep her away.”

“I know.” My fingers grab hold of the window frame and squeeze.

“Do you want me to start finalizing?” He blows his nose into a tissue. “Your documents?”

“Yes, and there are also some new matters in my safe that need to be distributed accordingly, after I’ve, well… you know.”

The door opens and Jen enters, holding two coffees. She looks at Henry and he squeezes her arm supportively before he goes. She dips her head for a second, then holds out one of the cups to me.

“Coffee,” she grins, faint.

I take the steaming card cup. “Jen.” Her weary eyes focus up on mine. “You don’t need to do this.”

“Yes I do.”

“You’re impossible… you do know that?”

I take her cup along with mine, and set them down on the window ledge. I take her in my arms and hold her before the framed orange glow of sunrise. I’m present, but not. I don’t yet know how I’m supposed to feel.

Journey of his Life

For thirty minutes I’ve been in here, retching, crying, and retching some more. My bag is packed, waiting out on the landing for me. And Flick is getting ready to go and stay with Henry and his family. All this preparation for the worst situation I’ve ever been in, has to be the craziest thing I’ve ever experienced. I don’t want to prepare for it, or think of it. It’s as though this is some planned vacation, in which everyone has a job to do. How is that normal?

“Jen,” Flick yells as I hug the toilet bowl on my knees. “I’m coming in.” She opens the door and hovers in the doorway as I sluggishly turn my head. “Jen, do you need a doctor?”

I use all my strength to push my body up to sit on the bathmat. “No… I’m fine.”

“Jen, let me help you.” She holds onto my elbow and helps me up to my feet.

“You’ve not eaten, have you?” she asks, as I look at my pasty drained face in the bathroom mirror. “Do you want me to fix you something before we go?”

“No Flick!” Her body moves back at my crabby outburst. “Sorry Flick… I just… I…”

“I know Jen… it’s all gone wrong.” She hugs me and begins to cry on my shoulder.

I inhale and gather the control to stop my tears. She, like I, has been through enough in her life. And now, I’m putting her through this. The last thing I deserve, or need, is her worrying about me. I’m supposed to be the responsible one here. I’m the one who is supposed to clear out the trash, so our lives remain hassle free. But all I seem to be doing is cluttering things up even more. My feelings for Grayson overpower everything else, and I can’t stop that now.

“Flick, are you sure you’re going to be okay staying with Henry?”

She wipes her face and beams. “Are you kidding, have you seen his house,” she chirps. “He has a freaking swimming pool in his yard. And well his son, Luke, he’s kind of cute.”

“Flick,” I groan.

“Don’t worry… I’m going to be on my best behavior,” she says.

My cell vibrates on the side of the bathtub. My heart drops a beat and I can’t move. Flick shuffles around me and picks it up. Her eyes view the screen then peer at me. I know it’s time, but don’t want to hear it. She swipes the screen and holds the phone to her ear to listen.

She exhales. “Okay, we’ll be down in a minute,” she hangs up. “They’re waiting outside.”

I stare at Flick. This will be the first time we’ve been apart for so long, ever. I hope I’m doing the right thing. I need to believe I am. Not just by her, but by Grayson too.

“You look after him, and yourself,” she sobs. “I know it’s hard, Jen. But you and I both know you can’t let him go off on his own.” She presses her hands on my cheeks. “I like the guy. He’s cool in a kind of weird British way,” she grins. “I know you’ll do your best, and I’m only a phone call away, okay.”

I hold her close, breathing deep. I never thought I’d hear words of approval or advice from Flick, about any guy I’m involved with. And as if the gods are laughing, the guy she does actually like, is going to die.

                                                  ***

Grayson sits in his Range Rover, facing forward with his shades on, and Henry is parked up behind him. Flick lumbers by me with her daisy covered suitcase as I lock the front door. I give her one last squeeze, and descend the porch steps with my large black bag. Grayson remains still. He doesn’t even turn his head to look at me.

I open the tailgate as Henry appears next to me. “Jen,” he pats my back, sympathetically. “There’s a list of numbers in the glove box, and a bag of medication in here.” He taps on the lid of a cooler box. “Don’t worry, it’s all in liquid form: morphine, steroids, and antibiotics. Whether he takes them or not is another thing.”

I grab the rim on the tailgate and bend over. I don’t think I can do this. I’m not a nurse. How do I care for him?

“Jen, it might not come to that,” he wraps his arm around my shoulder. “You have lit up his life, continue to do so.”

“But what if I make things worse… what if he passes out and I can’t help him?” I panic. “What if…” I snivel.

“Jen, all you have to do is try. If it gets too much, then we’ll take it from there,” he says. “You have my number. You need me, call.” He rubs my hand, then goes to his car to wait for Flick.

I wipe my eyes, close the tailgate, and see Flick sticking her face through the driver’s side window. Whatever it is she is saying to Grayson, he’s responding with caution across his face. She pecks his cheek, and lowers her head as she approaches Henry’s car.

I fill my lungs with nervous air while opening the passenger door. I slip down into the seat to see Grayson studying me with a bemused expression.

“What?”

“Your sister has just told me that she will kill me if I don’t look after you,” he raises his brow. “So I’m going to have to do as I’m told,” he smiles.

Oh my god. I cannot believe she said that to a dying man. My sister and subtle are on completely different sides of the spectrum.

I remain quiet and pull over my seatbelt. His eyes burn the side of my face but I can’t turn my head to look at him. I have this invisible lasso compressing my throat, and I can’t shake off the depression.

“Jen,” he says in a soft tone.

With every muscle straining in my neck, I apprehensively turn while biting my lip. He removes his shades so I can see a sadness coating his blue eyes. I don’t want to see this dark profound look on his face. This is not my Grayson.

“I wasn’t going to come,” he admits. “Last night, I sat in the car for three hours with a bottle of whisky, talking myself into leaving without you.” His head falls to his chest. “I should have.”

“No Grayson,” I snap. “You’re here, and what you need to do is… is just forget everything, please.”

He tilts his head, “Can you?”

My eyelids close briefly. “It’s gone,” I say firm. “I’m leaving the shit behind and so should you.” 

“Okay,” he breathes out. “You ready then?”

“Yeah… but are you okay to drive?”

He laughs. “Really?” He indicates and pulls out. “I’m as good as it gets, Jen. I’m with you.”

I shuffle my butt right back into the seat. I watch as Flick moves further away in the wing mirror, until I can no longer see her. My breath stops for a second, feeling that maternal instinct I have for her.

“She’ll be fine with Henry,” Grayson says. “You should give her more credit. I’ve met the most ruthless business characters. And Flick, well,” he blows out. “She would thrash anyone of them around the table.” I giggle, because he’s absolutely right.

It’s around a six hour drive where we’re going. A place he owns in Redwood Forest, Oregon. When he said he wanted to do this without interference, he wasn’t kidding. Though, I’m not stupid. I made sure I got Jenkins cell, home, and office number. I’ve even got his email address, in case I need general advice that isn’t urgent.

We’ve now been on the road for nearly three hours. Such a long drive would bore most, but the scenery is beautiful. And as dreadful as this situation is, there’s a sense of freedom as we coast along with all the windows down, and the summer wind blowing through our hair.

“Right, I need to take a leak.” Grayson pulls up to a roadside diner called: Maria’s. He undoes his belt and scrambles out of the car. “You coming.” He bobs on the spot, urgently. “Coffee, pie?” he gestures his hand. “I need to go… now.”

I quickly jump out onto the dry dirt, before he explodes in his jeans, watching as he dashes ahead to the men’s room.

I make my way inside and wait for Grayson. My view takes in the typical deco you’d find in a diner such as this. There are around fifteen red leather 50s style booths on one side. And there’s a long stainless steel counter on the other, with a variety of pies displayed under glass domes. It’s cool, refreshing, and has a friendly atmosphere.

“Hey there.” A woman dressed in a blue rockabilly dress, with Victoria’s rolls in her hair, beams her red painted lips at me. “Can I get you a table?”

“Yes please,” Grayson appears over my shoulder, fixing the waist on his jeans.

The waitress takes us to a booth at the very end, and hands us each a menu. I perch on the firm leather, and Grayson sits opposite.

“I’m Jenny by the way,” the waitress chirps. “Coffee?”

“Yes, black please,” Grayson says. “Jen?”

“Can I get a fresh orange please?”

“Squeezed or carton?”

I frown. “Err… squeezed.”

“Good, good,” Jenny grins. “You two sweethearts check out the menu, and I’ll go fetch your drinks.”

I’m still frowning at our overexcited waitress, and Grayson is now laughing at me under his breath.

“Maybe they could give us some of what she’s had to go,” he jokes, then grimaces in pain, altering the waistband of his jeans again.

“Grayson?” I fret.

He stops fidgeting and stays perfectly still. He’s trying to pretend to be okay, to fool me, but it isn’t going to work.

“I’m great, how can I not be,” he gestures his hand across the window. “Roadside diner, summer sun, and I’m sat with the hottest girl I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing.” 

“Grayson,” I circle my eyes.

“Look, I’m not kidding… now stop worrying.”

Jenny holds a tray above my head, leans over, and places our drinks on the table. Grayson’s eyes have been fixated on that counter for the last thirty seconds. Curious, I take a quick look, but still I haven’t got a clue what has caught his eye.

“So what can I get you both to eat?” Jenny asks.

“Two of those Banoffee pies,” he points.

I turn and look in the direction he’s pointing. My eyes widen at a board which has customer’s photos displayed. Right before each of them, are huge plates the size of trashcan lids. The name of the board is: The Bottomless Pie Pit Challenge. Now, some of those customers do not look happy. In fact, they look really ill.

“No chance,” I snap.

“What do we get if we complete this challenge?” Grayson asks, much to my annoyance.

Jenny dashes to the counter and pulls something red out from behind. She opens it and waves it like a magician’s assistance, with a big cheesy grin on her face. It’s a t-shirt with the diners logo boldly printed in white. Why on earth would anyone want to stuff so much pie down their neck they’d burst, to win such a crappy item of clothing?

“So,” Jenny hums. “Do we have two contenders?”

“No we don’t.”

Grayson nods, disappointed. “Fine, we’ll have one to share then.”

“Well, ain’t that sweet.” She writes on her pad while smiling, then trots back to the counter.

“I could have been on that wall forever,” Grayson jokes.

“I refuse to lose you early to a Banoffee pie. Jeez, a muffin would have been just fine.”

“Well, who’s in a shitty mood,” he teases.

“I’m not in a mood.” I shuffle up as Jenny places on the table the huge plate full of cream, toffee, and bananas. “I’m just not hungry. There are people starving out there you know.”

He laughs, handing me a spoon. “Eat, and stop scowling at me.”

We both dig our spoons deep into the copious sloppy filling. It’s nice, but way too sickly for me. So far, I’ve only managed three mouthfuls. I lean back to stretch out my full gut as Grayson hovers his full spoon before my lips, flirtatiously.

“One more, and we’ll resolve to the fact we’ve successfully failed this challenge.”

I giggle, part my lips, and he slips the cool pie filling into my mouth.

“That’s it,” I blow out as he sweetly smiles with a slanted brow. “What?”

He leans across the table and wipes the side of my lip, to show a blob of cream on his thumb before sucking it off. I laugh and pull a paper napkin out of the holder.

“Do you want to drive for a while?” he asks.

“Why, you feeling ill?”

“No Jen,” his eyes spool. “I thought you’d like to drive, that’s all.”

I haven’t driven a car in months. I used to use Dad’s old Volvo, until it broke down, leaving me stranded outside Venus. It cost me a small fortune to have it towed back to the house. And since then, it’s been left outside on the driveway to rust away.

“Okay.”

We make our way out into the heat of the midday sun. Grayson hands me the keys as we approach the car. A young loved up couple stand only feet away, giggling. He stops to watch them as they take selfies of each other. He snatches the keys back off me, opens the tailgate, and takes out a state of the art camera from his bag. I frown as he fiddles with it, while walking up to the young couple.

“Sorry for interrupting,” he says. “Would you mind taking a photo?” he turns and waves at me.

The young blonde haired girl smiles and takes the camera as Grayson gestures me over. I hate my picture being taken. Even as a child I would shy away when the lens came out. I reluctantly stand still as Grayson strides across to me.

“Jen, I want a photo of us… come on,” he slides his hand across my shoulders.

The young girl tells us to smile as Grayson inclines his head so we’re cheek to cheek. I beam as the flash of the camera hits my vision.