The Fear and Anxiety Solution (25 page)
Read The Fear and Anxiety Solution Online
Authors: PhD Friedemann MD Schaub
Company meetings became tortuous for her. Every time Gerry said anything, she felt incompetent and stupid. She was sure that her peers looked at her with a mixture of disapproval and pity. On top of that, she felt confused about a long-distance relationship with a man who seemed kind and interested in her during the brief times they could see each other, but who became cold and distant as soon as she returned home. In the last six months, all her old fears about not being good enough, smart enough, or even loveable enough had come rushing back to the surface. Feeling trapped and powerless, she was finally ready to face and resolve her past.
Gerry’s childhood was anything but easy. Her mother was emotionally unstable and usually vacillated between outbursts of rage—during which she once almost drowned Gerry’s little sister—and deep, dark depression. Because her mother was unfit to be a mom, and her father—a weak man, who avoided any confrontation with his wife—was busy working to make ends meet, young Gerry had to take on the role of housekeeper and parent for her sister. It was extremely difficult for her, a young girl, to cook, clean, and keep up with all
the chores and responsibilities that come with taking care of a toddler. But no matter how hard she worked, her mother always found a reason to berate her. Nothing she did was ever good enough.
One early morning when Gerry was about twelve years old, her mother tried to commit suicide and was rushed to the hospital. As Gerry shared this story with me, she could still feel the shock and panic that had overcome her when she saw her mom carried out of the house on a stretcher. “What will happen to us?” she thought. “Who will take care of us?” Her father’s response was nothing but a blank stare; then he turned toward the door to leave for work. Gerry remembered that despite all her anxiety, she knew exactly what she was supposed to do: feed her little sister. Her mother didn’t return for several months, and Gerry had to skip school to take care of everything at home, which was extremely hard for her because she liked to learn. Her home life was overwhelming—both physically and emotionally. She had no help. And all she could expect from her father was his silence or his absence.
Gerry’s troubles didn’t end when she entered adulthood. She married a man who continued to reinforce her beliefs about not being good enough and not being safe in the world. Although he couldn’t keep a steady job, gambled away their money, and had an affair with another woman, Gerry stayed with him.
“During the twenty years of this marriage, I had to constantly put out fires, cover for my husband, and make sure that we didn’t go bankrupt or lose our house. Every year that went by, my shame and self-loathing grew. If I hadn’t been so concerned for my son, I would never have mustered the strength to leave my ex.”
Gerry’s life line showed the past to the left and her future to the right. Because her future line looked rather dim, we increased its brightness, so that her subconscious would feel more drawn to the possibilities of what
could
happen, rather than what
already had
happened.
Then Gerry went back to the morning her mother tried to end her life. Floating above the tragic event, observing her younger self, Gerry could feel the anxiety and powerlessness that was still stored in the memory. However, as soon as she reached the place of learning, positioned before and high above that memory, she felt relaxed and actually eager to gain a deeper understanding of what had taken place. I began to ask questions to help lead her through the experience.
Me:
What is your younger self afraid of or confused by?
Gerry:
She is all alone. Her mother is gone, and her father is useless. She is confused and doesn’t know what to do. Nobody talks to her. How can she and her sister survive without their mother?
Me:
Was whatever happened that day her fault? Does she deserve to be treated this way?
Gerry:
Absolutely not. She’s just a kid and didn’t do anything wrong. It wasn’t her fault that her mother was mentally ill. I wish I could help this girl.
Me:
Did your younger self pick up on other people’s negative emotions or limiting beliefs? If so, whose emotions and beliefs were they?
Gerry:
I can see how she picked up how anxious and overwhelmed her father was. He didn’t know how to deal with this situation, so he just escaped to work. I also feel that he didn’t like himself very much; he didn’t really believe in himself. So there’s some self-loathing, I sense. My mother feels like a big, dark energy of sadness, self-hatred, and shame. She didn’t want to leave us alone, but she also felt unable to provide for us. Her emotions feel very strong, although she was at that time more or less out of commission. This is so interesting. A lot of what I have been feeling weren’t even my emotions. Now I know where a huge piece of my anxiety and insecurity comes from.
Me:
How would someone who dearly loves and cares about this child interpret this situation differently than you may have in the past?
Gerry:
I can imagine that a loving grandmother—whom I never had—would say, “I’m so sorry for what this child had to go through. She’s so little and yet has to be so strong.” I am also feeling sorry for the parents. They seemed to be in a great deal of pain themselves. It’s amazing how this little girl is the strongest and healthiest person in the family. She’s willing to put her needs last and is sacrificing so much to take care of her sister—and everybody else. What a powerful spirit she has.
Me:
What other empowering and liberating lessons can you learn from this memory?
Gerry
(after a few minutes of silence):
I can clearly see that my younger self was a very sensitive, beautiful being who didn’t want anybody to suffer or be in pain. So to take care of those in need, she did whatever she could, no matter how hard it was for her. All she wanted for herself was a little
bit of acknowledgment and love. Her parents, who were stuck in their own problems, weren’t capable of giving her what she needed. This little girl was so desperate for some kind of connection that she was open to feeling and taking on her parents’ fears and pains. Maybe she thought that she could help them if she would carry some of their load. Wow, I can’t believe how much love and kindness this tiny person has.
(After a few more moments, tears started to stream down Gerry’s face.)
It just occurred to me that Little Gerry always received support and protection from other sources. I don’t know what it is, but it feels as if a higher power, God, was always looking out for her.
After these realizations, it was very easy for Gerry to find love and compassion for her younger self, release the emotional baggage of the past, and recognize the light of her essence. When Gerry was back above the present moment and able to review her entire past, she shared more information.
Gerry:
I never was able to see myself that clearly before. I always believed I was weak, flawed, and unlovable. I was always ashamed of my past and myself. Now I realize how wrong I was.
(Pause.)
My essence is so pure, loving, and innocent. And at the same time, I can sense so much strength and vibrancy pulsing from this core. I can understand now what gave me the courage and determination to keep on going—and never give up. I’m a strong person. I was strong during my childhood and also during my marriage; although I had no self-esteem, I was still the one who kept us above water. Without my strength and resilience, who knows what could have happened.
What really amazes me is that despite all the negativity, lies, and anger that I was constantly surrounded with since my childhood, for some reason, I never became bitter or contentious myself. Instead of becoming like my mother or father, something inside made me choose to remain open and sensitive to the needs of others and treat them with compassion and kindness. The only person I wasn’t very nice to was myself. That’ll change from now on. I have reasons to feel good about myself, and I will stand up for myself with pride for who I am.
I’m happy to report that these revelations were the beginning of Gerry’s self-transformation. She stopped worrying about her peers at work and decided
that she no longer would try to fit into a company whose energy and values she didn’t agree with. With her newfound confidence and self-esteem, she quickly landed a new, much better-fitting job—the type of work she had previously believed would be impossible to attain at her age. In the past she would have made her new position the main focus in her life and constantly been afraid that she would be criticized or even fired. Instead, she committed to making balance and impeccable self-care her highest priority. “What still surprises me the most,” she told me one year after her Pattern Resolution Process session, “is that I still wake up most mornings with a smile, feeling happy for no reason.”
Once you have gone through the Pattern Resolution Process yourself, you may find yourself wondering, “How do I know that it worked?” Here is one way to tell: Right after you reenter your body, briefly think about some of the events on your anxiety list (the one you created in step 1, the preparation step) and notice how you feel now about them. There’s a difference between remembering that you used to be anxious or scared and still having these emotions. So pay attention to how your body reacts when you briefly revisit these past events. If you don’t notice any physical responses as you recall the memories, you have successfully released the emotional charge from your subconscious mind and cellular memory.
You may find that you’re now perceiving those memories in a much more positive and empowered light. However, you may also feel nothing about them. While it can appear a bit puzzling to have no emotion about a past that used to make your hair stand up straight, it is actually a very good sign; it means you’ve reached a resolution with this event and can consider it from a place of peaceful neutrality.
After you’ve checked on those events, you may want to refrain from digging into the past for at least a couple of days. Your subconscious healing is still progressing, and you don’t want to disturb the process. The pattern resolution doesn’t end when you open your eyes. You’ve provided your subconscious with distinct guidelines for releasing emotional baggage, and it will continue to work with those guidelines even without your conscious awareness, while you’re sleeping or daydreaming, for instance.
Working with your subconscious mind to release emotional baggage is an extremely liberating experience. The good news is that once the past is resolved, it stays that way; the old emotions are gone, and they won’t come back. However, just releasing old patterns and limiting identities without replacing them
with new, supportive and empowering ones can also leave you with a subconscious vacuum or void. If you stay in this void for too long and don’t create a new foundation of self, your subconscious may gradually slip back into old, familiar grooves of thinking and feeling. This is why the final chapters of this book are so critical for you.
Readjustment
Core Alignment
I
T’S TIME FOR
you to pat yourself on the back. You’ve come far and accomplished a lot. Think about all you’ve done so far:
• Demystified fear and anxiety
• Greatly increased your understanding about how and why you create fear and anxiety in your subconscious mind
• Learned to communicate with your subconscious and work consciously with this incredibly powerful inner resource
• Discovered and connected to your subconscious inner protector, which has been at the root of your anxious, negative self-talk and your “self-conflicted” behavior
• Learned to appreciate the valuable strengths and talents of this subconscious part and its “positive” counterpart and, through the Parts Reintegration Process, brought them back into alignment with your wholeness and greater purpose
• Understood, grown from, and released the emotional baggage of fear and anxiety from your subconscious storage
Now that you have a clean slate and are ready for a fresh start, what’s left to do? In some ways, the most important work begins now. As I mentioned, it takes more than letting go of what no longer serves you to create permanent change and healing. As you’ve peeled away the different layers of fear and anxiety from your conscious and subconscious, you’ve also disconnected from the
ways you used to see yourself. As liberating as this may appear at first glance, it also invites a rather nagging question, “Who am I now?”
We all need a sense of self, a foundation to stand on and to move forward from. Without this foundation, we feel ungrounded. You probably know people who fell into a depression after they graduated, retired, or their kids left for college. These people had been focusing so predominantly on one aspect of their lives that when their identity as a student, professional, or parental provider was “lost,” they felt completely lost.