The Final Crumpet (41 page)

Thirty minutes later, the group sitting around the table had dwindled to a “precious few”—Flick thought—of Nigel, Kolya, Bertie, and herself.

“ ‘It is a tale told by an idiot,’ ” she murmured, “ ‘full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.’ ”

“More Shakespeare?” Nigel said.

“More
Macbeth.”

“You sound in a gloomy mood,” Bertie said.

“I
am
in a gloomy mood. We don’t have much to tell our bank tomorrow.” She looked at Nigel. “Do you think Sir James will be satisfied with what we can share about Hugh Doyle? It really doesn’t talk to Etienne Makepeace’s relationship to the museum.”

Kolya smiled. “If it’s more evidence you require, I may be able to provide…”

Bertie suddenly silenced Kolya by grabbing his arm. Flick stared at Bertie. His face was glowing.

“Sir James
who?”
he uttered through anger-tightened lips.

“Uh
…Sir James Boyer, the chairman of Wescott Bank.”

“Boyer is an insufferable twit!” Bertie shouted. “I know, because he used to report to me at MI6 when this whole tea museum business transpired.” Bertie made a low-pitched growl. “The twit was on last year’s
honors list.”

“Whoa, whoa!” Flick said. “Boyer knows what happened at the Royal Tunbridge Wells Tea Museum?”

“Of course! He frequently attended those closed-door meetings that have caused you so much fascination.”

Nigel joined in. “Then why did he order us to conduct an investigation into Etienne Makepeace’s relationship to the museum? Sir James insists that we explain why Makepeace was buried in our garden. Unless we come up with an answer acceptable to Sir James, Wescott Bank won’t move ahead with the loan we’ve arranged to finance our acquisition of the Hawker collection.”

“It’s all humbug. I’ll wager that James Boyer is merely looking for an excuse to terminate his business dealings with you.” Bertie frowned. “He is as worried about the past as I am—for most of the same reasons. He doesn’t want to be linked in any way to Etienne Makepeace or the museum.”

“Now it all makes sense,” Flick said. “That’s why he gave us an impossible deadline and impossible demands. He’s counting on us to fail. He wants to pull our plug.”

“Blast!” Nigel said. “We jumped through all those hoops for—
nothing!”

“I wouldn’t say that.” Bertie smiled. “Those hoops led you to us. I know how to deal with little Jimmy Boyer.”

“You do?” Nigel said.

“One need only point out to him that the breakdown of your loan arrangement in the eleventh hour will surely pique the interest of the media.”

“True,” Flick said. “Especially when we publish a news release explaining that Wescott Bank backed out of the arrangement.”

“You will, of course, have to hold another news conference.”

“Indeed, we will,” Nigel said.

“At which conference, you will introduce the reporters to Mr. Bertrand Bartholomew and Nikolai Melnikov—the very same gentlemen who became fast friends of the museum during the investigation demanded by Wescott Bank. They—
We!
—will explain why Sir James allowed an event in the distant past to stop a project of promise for the future.”

“And you think the threat of publicity will do it?” Flick asked.

“His mind will change as quickly as the weather over Lands End.” Bertie suddenly stood up. “You know, delivering a message like that to James Boyer is simply too much fun to miss. Kolya and I will accompany you tomorrow.”

“In that event, we should prepare ourselves,” Kolya said.

“Perhaps a small disguise that makes you appear somewhat deranged—and thus more unpredictable and dangerous.”

“What an extraordinary idea. Let us start immediately.”

As Kolya and Bertie left, Nigel bent close to Flick’s ear.

“I’m a bit worried about Bertie’s plan.”

“Why?”

“It may damage my relationship with Olivia Hart.”

Flick drove her elbow into Nigel’s ribs.

“Oof!
I was only joking. I promise—I’ll never, ever flirt with another woman.”

“You had better not. I know how to plant a corpse under a tea bush so that the tree will thrive!”

Postscript

Words on a tent card placed on every table in the Duchess of Bedford Tearoom:

Patrons are advised not to be startled should Earl (the Grey Parrot) begin to trill “Un Bel Di,” the famous aria from Giacomo Puccini’s renowned opera,
Madame Butterfly,
in the style of Daniela Dessi. The “performance” is merely Earl’s creative way of inviting his friend and companion, Cha-Cha, for a visit.

Cha-Cha is the small, foxlike dog you may see strolling through the exhibits and galleries of the Royal Tunbridge Wells Tea Museum. He’s a Shiba Inu and
does
believe he owns the museum.

The following articles—all written by reporter Philip Pellicano—appeared in the
Kent and Sussex Courier
shortly after the events described on the previous pages:

Makepeace Disappearance Mystery Solved

The Kent Police have apparently concluded that Etienne Makepeace, England’s renowned “Tea Sage,” disappeared some forty years ago because he was shot by a jealous husband in a fit of rage and buried in the garden of the Royal Tunbridge Wells Tea Museum by the same man.

A spokesman for the Kent Police confirmed that they investigated a potential suspect who lived in Tunbridge Wells at the time and is now deceased. They declined to provide the man’s name or other biographical details, pending the completion of their inquiries, but our own investigation indicates that the man in question is Hugh Doyle, a bricklayer by trade. He was the husband of Clara Doyle, who worked as a barmaid at The Horse and Garter, a small pub once located on the London Road in Tunbridge Wells.

The sordid chain of events that apparently led to Makepeace’s disappearance and death in September 1966 began when he made “untoward advances” toward Mrs. Doyle at the pub. These led to subsequent liaisons at other locations in and around Tunbridge Wells. Mr. Doyle, a suspicious man by nature, hired Mr. Horace Rampling, a private inquiry agent based in Sevenoaks, Kent, to shadow Mr. Makepeace and Mrs. Doyle. Mr. Rampling reportedly provided Mr. Doyle with several photographs depicting questionable behavior by the pair on or about September 21, 1966.

On the evening of the same day, Mr. Doyle confronted Mr. Makepeace in The Horse and Garter and threatened his life. Albert “Big Hands” McGuire, the pub’s landlord, a retired professional fighter, was able to intervene and prevent violence at that time.

Mr. Makepeace disappeared a few days after this confrontation. Soon thereafter, Mr. and Mrs. Doyle relocated to Glasgow, Scotland, adopted assumed names, and became greengrocers. Mr. Doyle died in 1995, Mrs. Doyle three years later.

Born in 1910 in Winchester, Etienne Makepeace was often called “England’s Tea Sage,” a moniker he earned in the early 1960s. He is the author of many articles on tea and lectured frequently on the subject, often at the Royal Tunbridge Wells Tea Museum. Makepeace, a bachelor, has one surviving relative, his sister, Mrs. Mathilde Makepeace O’Shaughnessy of Billingshurst, Kent.

Renowned Antiquities Collection Acquired

The Royal Tunbridge Wells Tea Museum has announced its purchase of the Hawker Collection of Antiquities from the heirs of Dame Elspeth Hawker, who died last October in what the police have labeled suspicious circumstances. The fabled Hawker Collection, originally assembled by Commodore Desmond Hawker, perhaps the richest of the nineteenth-century tea merchants, includes more than 2,000 paintings, maps, artifacts, and objects d’art, all related to tea. The collection has been on display at the Royal Tunbridge Wells Tea Museum for the past forty years, on loan from the Hawker family.

“We made the decision to purchase the collection,” says Nigel Owen, the museum’s director, “to ensure that our institution will remain one of the leading tea museums in the world.” Dr. Felicity Adams, the museum’s chief curator, adds, “The Hawker Antiquities Collection is absolutely one of a kind. By purchasing the collection, we have secured an important cornerstone of Britain’s tea heritage—a treasure trove of artworks and artifacts that can now be enjoyed by the public in perpetuity.”

Barrington Bleasdale, Esq., the Hawker family’s solicitor, reported that the current generation of Hawkers expressed great delight in knowing that the collection—always a source of great pride to the family—has at last found a permanent home. The family apparently also plans to sell Lion’s Peak, the Tunbridge Wells estate on Pembury Road, designed by famed nineteenth-century architect Decimus Burton.

Neither the museum nor Mr. Bleasdale would provide the details of the purchase transaction. However, outside sources say the Hawker Collection of Antiquities is estimated to be worth upwards of fifty million pounds—possibly more, had valuable pieces been sold individually to collectors.

New Lecturer At Royal Tunbridge Wells Tea Museum

The Royal Tunbridge Wells Tea Museum announced that Nikolai Melnikov, a self-taught expert on Asian teas, will give a lecture entitled “The Teas Russia Loves” on Friday, March 2 at 2:00 p.m. in the museum’s Grand Hall. The lecture is free and open to the public.

Mr. Melnikov, now a British citizen and a resident of Frant, East Sussex, was born and raised in the former Soviet Union, and served in several diplomatic posts, including a stint at the Soviet Embassy in London during the mid-1960s. “Few Britons realize it,” Melnikov says, “but Russians consume more tons of tea each year than the English do. Tea truly is one of Russia’s national drinks.”

When asked how he developed his expertise, Mr. Melnikov replied, “I had unusual opportunities to read and write about tea during my younger years. The information that flowed through my typewriter stayed with me.”