The Final Exam (24 page)

“They’re notorious American reporters who received a great deal of attention for breaking the most unbelievable stories. Only it was later discovered that the articles were fabricated.”

“This is exactly why I don’t read the paper!” Theo huffed dramatically. “Well, that and because I hate getting ink all over my fingers.”

“So you think the man is Sylvie’s editor?” Garrison wondered aloud.

“Yes. It’s the only plausible explanation I can think of,” Madeleine stated confidently. “Unfortunately, it might
make dealing with Sylvie a bit harder, as she’ll loathe admitting defeat in front of her boss.”

“Aren’t we getting ahead of ourselves? We still don’t have a plan to rescue Toothpaste. And without Toothpaste, we lose the rehabilitated Abernathy, leaving us with nothing to undermine Sylvie’s story,” Lulu pointed out logically.

“I’ve got an idea! Let’s dress up real tough, like with leather jackets and slicked-back hair, and scare the information out of the Contrarians,” Theo offered earnestly.

“They jump off roofs for fun; I don’t think leather jackets are going to cut it,” Lulu responded.

“Celery wants to know why we don’t bribe them, figure out what they want and give it to them in exchange for the bird.”

“Darn it! That’s actually a good idea,” Theo said, abashed. “Outsmarted by a ferret again.”

“But what do they want? The only thing they’ve ever shown interest in is lighting things on fire,” Lulu pointed out.

“There must be something else. Everyone has a price—especially boys with limited intelligence,” Madeleine said shrewdly.

“That’s true; I’d do anything for two éclairs and a glass of milk,” stated Theo.

“You’d do anything for a stick of gum,” Lulu replied with a smirk.

Theo scoffed before relenting, “I guess it depends on how long it had been since I last ate. Gum is a poor substitute for food, but when you’re hungry, you’re hungry.”

“Instead of guessing what they might like, why don’t we simply ask them?” Madeleine suggested sensibly.

“I don’t know; the direct approach didn’t work last time,” Garrison responded.

“Last time we weren’t offering anything. The promise of goods is a wholly different situation. These boys are essentially pirates—fearless maniacs holding poor Toothpaste hostage. But, like all pirates, they must want something.” Madeleine explained confidently.

“Okay, I’m in. Let’s do it,” Garrison announced, taking to his feet.

“Wait? You want to do it right now? Aren’t we going to practice first? Do a dress rehearsal or something?” Theo warbled nervously.

“Theo, in case you haven’t figured it out by now, time
is of the essence. We only have today to save the school,” Lulu declared firmly.

“
Here we go to meet the boys, who play with pet canaries as if they’re toys, and even though they may be strong, we have the gift of song!
” Hyacinth sang in her usual tone-deaf manner.

“
Thanks, I feel better already, now let’s go forth, strong and steady
,” Theo replied happily to Hyacinth’s song as the School of Fearians made their way up the basement stairs.

T
his is like a whole garden of Theos,” Hyacinth commented as the fretful Fearians cut through a patch of Venus flytraps, one of the world’s few carnivorous plants capable of eating flies and insects.

“Except I’m a vegetarian!” Theo pointed out animatedly.

“I think these just might be the most magical plants in the entire world! They eat insects! Isn’t that fabulous?” Madeleine exclaimed delightedly.

“Yeah, I’ll be sure to send you a bouquet on your birthday,” Lulu replied dryly.

“Actually, Lulu, it would need to be a potted plant, because they won’t eat insects unless they’re still alive,” Madeleine clarified.

“Maddie, I hate to have to break it to you,” Theo said, “but Lulu is an imaginary-gift giver. Or, to put it bluntly, she’s really cheap and refuses to buy anyone a present.”

“Chunk, I thought you of all people would be into imaginary gift giving. I mean, it’s way better for the environment. Or maybe you’re not as green as you thought?” Lulu said to Theo.

“How dare you? I’m so green… I’m blue and yellow… as in the colors that make green,” Theo retorted awkwardly.

“Wow, that was so bad, it was almost epic,” Garrison said as the group came upon a mass of topiaries sculpted into triangles, circles, and squares.

Once they’d made it beyond the well-sculpted hedges, the School of Fearians searched a mini-volcano surrounded by lava rocks, a compost garden, and the gazebo, but could find no sign of the Contrarians. Just as they wondered whether it was possible that the boys had
slipped back into the house, they stumbled upon a smoldering left shoe.

“If Smokey the Bear had a top ten most-wanted list, these guys would be on it!” Theo said, shaking his head.

“I have to agree; I’m rather surprised they haven’t burned the whole place down by now,” Madeleine said as Garrison led the group down a path strewn with scorched clothing.

Following the trail of a singed sweater, a burned-out sock, and yet another charred shoe, the School of Fearians finally located the elusive Contrarians. Fitzy, Bard, and Herman, all of whom were noticeably lighter than usual in the clothing department, were using a patch of thick, lustrous ivy as a ladder to scale the wall.

Sensing an opportunity to be a hero, Theo quickly corralled the Fearians into a huddle.

“Seeing as I have been trained in covert tactical operations, also known as hall monitoring, I think it’s best if I take the lead. All I need is five minutes and I’ll have those boys spilling secrets like most people do milk,” Theo announced, brazenly cracking his knuckles.

“Actually, Theo, I think it best for all involved that absolutely anyone but you acts as the mouthpiece for the
group. And I mean that in the least offensive manner possible,” Madeleine stated honestly.

“You’re lucky you have such a nice accent, or that would have really offended me,” Theo replied.

“It’s not personal; it’s just that we need someone the Contrarians can relate to, and frankly, that is not you. Please know that if we were attempting to corral Macaroni, we would definitely enlist your help,” Madeleine explained nicely as Hyacinth began to bounce up and down.

“Besties, not to toot my own horn, but the Contrarians totally love me! So what do you say? Can Celery and I do it?”

“Actually, that’s not a bad idea,” Garrison acquiesced. “They
do
seem to like you—probably something to do with the fact that you let Celery bungee jump.”

“Rewarding pet abuse? If PETA revokes my membership, it’s on your shoulders,” Theo whispered angrily to Garrison.

“I think we should let her do it,” Lulu declared boldly.

“Oh my gosh, this is the best day ever!” Hyacinth squealed.

“Well, except for the whole Abernathy/Toothpaste/
Sylvie situation,” Theo interjected, clearly irritated that Hyacinth had been chosen as the face of the mission.

“Now, Hyacinth, we need you to try your absolute hardest to find out what the Contrarians want in exchange for Toothpaste. It’s very important that you stay focused,” Madeleine explained seriously.

“Don’t worry, besties—Hyhy and Celery are on the case! Hyhy started this whole thing, and Hyhy is going to do her part to end it.”

“She’s talking about herself in the third person already? Talk about a power trip,” Theo moaned jealously.

Fitzy, Bard, and Herman were halfway up the ivy when the purple pantsuit–clad Hyacinth arrived at the base of the wall.

“Hey up there, besties! Celery and I are super excited to see you guys! We’re so excited we may have to sing a song! Do you guys have a harmonica with you, by any chance? Celery is really good on the harmonica; she’s kind of a ferret prodigy.”

“The bungee-jumping ferret!” Fitzy yelled, fortuitously halting Hyacinth’s plan to sing. “We’re going moat diving! Want to come?”

“Thanks for the invite, but I’m going to have to pass.
But before you jump off the wall and most likely permanently damage your memory, I need to ask you guys a question, bestie to besties.”

“Does that mean the ferret’s not going to moat dive either?” Fitzy wondered aloud.

“No way! Celery doesn’t know how to swim,” Hyacinth responded before remembering Madeleine’s advice about staying focused. “Okay, so here’s the thing: we’re prepared to give you anything you want in return for the bird. That means money, food, illegal weapons, contraband, plutonium, knives, a private plane to Mexico… anything.”

“How does she expect us to find plutonium? We’re not even in high school yet,” Theo muttered to Madeleine.

“I wouldn’t worry; I don’t think they’re smart enough to ask for any of it up front.”

“So what’s it going to be? Knives? Plutonium? Chocolate éclairs?” Hyacinth asked in her most grown-up voice.

“Please say chocolate éclairs,” Theo prayed quietly.

“Moat diving!” Fitzy hollered as he dangled precariously off the now strained ivy.

“Wait—you guys will give us Toothpaste if we moat dive?” Hyacinth repeated dubiously.

“Yeah!” Fitzy yelled, prompting both Herman and Bard to follow suit.