Horus had warned him that he was falling in love, but even Horus didn’t understand everything. The road that stretched ahead was one that he must negotiate by himself. Perhaps with her help.
Freya felt as though everything was whirling about her. What was happening now was exactly what she had vowed she would never allow. But she seemed to have been transported to another world, one where her determination counted for nothing.
She had enjoyed Dan’s kisses, but she knew now that he’d never given her this sense of conveying a secret message from his inner self. Willing or not, she responded, moving her lips in soft caresses, sending her own message from a part of herself she’d never known before.
It was like becoming a different person with different thoughts and feelings in a different world. And she knew that she must become this new person—or refuse to become her to her own eternal regret. She must make the decision any moment now, but first she would allow herself to relish the joy that possessed her for one more moment—one more—one more...
‘We’ve arrived,’ Jackson murmured. ‘Let’s slip in quietly.’
They managed to cross the lobby and go up in the elevator without being seen by anyone who knew them.
At the door of her room she stood, hesitant.
‘Can I come in?’ Jackson whispered, moving closer.
Unable to speak, she nodded and opened the door. He followed her in, closed the door and immediately took her in his arms.
‘I’ve wanted this,’ he murmured. ‘I was sure our time must come—and now it has. Don’t you feel that?’
She couldn’t answer, for he was kissing her again, holding her tighter than before, his eyes, his mouth, his whole body full of intent. The moment was drawing near.
Suddenly she drew a long, trembling breath.
‘No. Jackson. Wait.’
‘What is it?’
‘I—I don’t know, but I can’t— I’m not ready.’
‘We’re both ready. This has been waiting for us.’
‘No, please—’
‘Freya—’
‘Let me go.’
‘But I—’
‘Let me go,
please.
’
She felt a fierce tremor go through him and for a moment she thought he would refuse. But then he dropped his hands and stepped back. He was breathing heavily, and she had the feeling that he was fighting for control.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I didn’t mean this to happen. But I’m not sure— I need more time.’
‘All right,’ he said in a rasping voice. ‘Don’t worry. I’m going.’
‘Jackson, I’m really sorry.’
‘Don’t be sorry,’ he said. ‘There’s still a lot we don’t know about ourselves and each other. We’ll have time to find out and then—then will be the time for you to make your decision. I’ll be waiting for you, and I know you’ll come to me. Goodnight.’
She was left looking at the closed door, shaking with the ferocity of her own reaction and the struggle within herself.
She had wanted what was happening. Her whole self had seemed to cry
yes.
But without warning everything had gone into reverse.
Yes
had become
no.
And the reason, deny it as she might, was fear. Jackson had said there was still a lot they didn’t know. He was right. And one thing she didn’t know was whether she could risk falling in love again after the first disaster.
Coward
, she told herself scornfully.
You keep telling yourself that you weren’t really in love with Dan. And you weren’t. You know that now.
But she’d believed she was at the time. The devastation had been terrible, and too little time had passed for her to recover her courage.
And courage mattered. Instinct told her that it would need every scrap of daring she could find to love Jackson. And just now she wasn’t sure she wanted to take the risk.
He’d known how uncertain things were between them, but only she understood how uncertain they might always be.
‘I’ll be waiting for you, and I know you’ll come to me.’
The memory of those words almost made her cry out in anger and frustration.
How certain he was that her decision would be the one he wanted. Before she even knew it herself.
She wouldn’t allow herself to think tonight. She lay down, seeking the release of sleep, but it was denied. Her mind was in turmoil, and after tossing and turning for half an hour she sat up, realising that there were raised voices coming from Amos and Janine’s room next door.
She went out. The voices were sharper, revealing that a row was going on.
She heard Amos snap, ‘You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.’
Then he came storming out and stomped away down the corridor without seeing Freya. Quickly she knocked on the door, which Janine opened, standing back to usher her in.
‘Mum, what’s happened? What are you rowing about?’
‘The way he’s behaved to you.’
‘You mean that business with Dan? Don’t worry, that’s history.’
‘It’s not just that. You’d think he’d learn his lesson about interfering in other people’s lives, but no. Not him. He’s still trying to marry you off to Jackson.’
‘What? Surely not?’
‘That’s why he got you out here.’
‘But he was poorly...he needed looking after— Oh, no! Tell me what I’m thinking is wrong. He couldn’t— He didn’t—’
‘I’m afraid he did. There was nothing wrong with him. That heavy breathing was an act. He meant you to come out here, spend a lot of time with Jackson, and—oh, well, you can guess the rest.’
Freya banged her hand against her forehead, snapping out a thoroughly unladylike word.
‘I don’t know why I’m surprised,’ she said. ‘You said he couldn’t surprise me any more. He actually thought that Jackson and I—after everything that’s happened—’
‘Well, the two of you do seem to be getting on very well again.’
‘Only as friends,’ Freya said quickly. ‘Nothing more. How did you learn what he’d been up to?’
‘Earlier tonight we saw you wandering along the riverbank together and he was so pleased with himself that he told me what he’d done—pretending to be ill to get you out here.’
‘And you were so worried...’ Freya breathed. ‘Didn’t he understand what he was doing to you?’
‘Does he ever understand anything that doesn’t suit him?’
‘No, never. Well, that’s it. He doesn’t need me, so I’m going back to England. I don’t think I can endure the sight of him any more.’
‘I think I’ll come with you. I need to put some space between Amos and me while I try to see into the future. Don’t go to England. Come to Monte Carlo and stay with me for a while.’
‘All right. It’ll be good to have some time alone together. Are you seriously thinking of leaving Amos?’
‘I don’t really know. What I do know is that things between us aren’t as I hoped, and I have to mull it over. I need space and to be free of him for a while.’
‘Yes,’ Freya murmured. ‘To be free.’
CHAPTER ELEVEN
A
S
THEY
WAITED
for the coach the next morning Jackson came to stand beside Freya.
‘What’s up with them?’ he asked, inclining his head to Amos and Janine. Although they were standing together there was an unmistakable air of frostiness.
‘They’ve quarrelled, and this time it’s serious,’ Freya said. ‘She found out that he never was ill. He only pretended to be short of breath.’
‘But why?’
‘To make me come out here and to get you and me together. He hasn’t given up, and this is his latest trick.’
Jackson swore under his breath. ‘I could strangle him!’
‘Join the queue.’
‘How did your mother find out?’
‘He told her. Apparently he was so sure the trick had worked that he boasted about it.’
‘I should have realised, but I can hardly believe it—even of him. Goodness knows what the atmosphere will be like between him and Janine now.’
‘You don’t need to worry about that. Mum’s going home. She says she needs to get away from him for a while. And I’m going with her.’
‘Must you?’
‘I can’t let her be alone now she’s so unhappy.’
‘I suppose not, but I wish you weren’t going. Ah, well, we’ll be finished in Egypt soon. Once we’re all back in England things will be better. We can meet and talk.’
‘I shan’t be in England for a while. I’m going to Monte Carlo with her.’
‘How long for?’
‘I’m not sure. Certainly until Amos comes home, and maybe a while after that if I think she needs me.’
‘But, Freya—’
‘Oh, look, Amos is waving at you. Perhaps you should go and talk to him.’
He seemed about to protest, but then he nodded and went over to his father.
Freya joined Janine.
‘You were both very quiet at breakfast.’
‘I’ve told him I’m returning to Monte Carlo and he’s furious with me. But I’m going anyway. My days of jumping to do his bidding are over.’
‘It’s news to me that you ever did jump to do his bidding.’
‘I tried to please him as often as possible. If I had to refuse him I did it gently, lovingly. But now I have to make a stand. I’m doing what suits me, and if he doesn’t like it he can take a running jump.’
‘Good for you. I’ll call the airport as soon as we reach Cairo.’
On the coach journey they sat together, while Jackson claimed the seat beside his father. Their words were inaudible, but Freya sensed that Jackson was trying to soothe him. She doubted that he was totally successful, but Amos’s scowl faded, to be replaced by a look that might have been sadness.
When they reached the hotel in Cairo Freya went straight to the reception desk and asked for a call to be put through to the airport. What followed took only a few minutes.
‘There’s a plane leaving for Nice tonight,’ she told Janine. ‘I’ve booked us on it.’
She heard Amos’s harsh gasp and guessed that he’d counted on having this evening to pressurise Janine into staying. But Freya knew her mother’s mind was made up. Suddenly everything had changed, making her stronger. Clearly Amos had also sensed that change, but he seemed unable to cope with it. Freya actually found herself feeling sorry for him.
Jackson and Amos came with them to the airport and saw them as far as Check In. Jackson drew Freya aside.
‘I wish you weren’t going,’ he said, his hands gentle but firm on her arms.
‘You’ll be better without me,’ she said. ‘I’m a distraction. It’s your first job with this firm. You have to give it everything.’
‘There’s only one thing in the world that can make me want to give everything. All myself. All my heart and soul.’
‘Don’t.’ She laid her fingertips over his mouth. ‘Not yet.’
‘Not yet? But perhaps some day soon?’
‘I don’t know,’ she said desperately.
‘But one thing you do know. I’m yours if you want me. Do you need to know more?’
‘I need time. Sometimes things seem so clear and sometimes everything’s a wild confusion. Please, Jackson.’
‘All right. I guess I can be patient as long as I have some hope. But don’t torture me too long. Please.’
‘Jackson, I don’t— I can’t—’
Their boarding call came from the loudspeaker.
‘I must go,’ she said quickly. ‘Goodbye.’
‘Goodbye—until we meet again.’
Together the two women walked away through Check In and on to the Departure Lounge. At the end of the corridor they turned and saw the two men still standing there, watching them from a distance.
Freya had an eerie feeling of history repeating itself in mirror image. It was only a few weeks ago that she and Janine had stood together in an airport, watching Amos and Jackson depart. There had been desolation in her heart then, although nothing like what she felt now. It was all so different, and she no longer knew what to think about anything in the world. Including Jackson. Including her own heart.
His words should have made her spirits soar. Yet to hear his declaration of love when she was walking away from him, perhaps for ever, had sunk her in despair.
I’m mad
, she thought.
Mad, crazy, stupid. And I have no idea what to do about it.
‘Are they still there?’ Janine asked, straining to see.
‘Yes,’ Freya whispered. ‘Still there.’
‘Oh, yes. Look how alike they are. It almost makes you believe in Horus the Elder and Horus the Younger.’
‘Don’t,’ Freya said with a shudder.
‘You’re right. Let’s put them behind us.’
When they had turned the corner out of sight the two men watching them stood for a moment without moving.
At last Amos spoke. ‘So that’s that.’
‘I wonder,’ Jackson mused, ‘just how often that really
is
that.’
‘I know this has got you down, but don’t give in to those feelings. Just because a woman goes away it doesn’t mean she’s abandoned you. Of course she’d like you to think so. It’s a power game. You’re supposed to go after her. And if you don’t, she’ll come back to you.’
Slowly Jackson turned his gaze on his father. ‘That’s what you really think, is it?’
‘Just remember, don’t be the one to give in. You’ve got to be strong. That’s the rule of life and the rule of love.’
‘Unless it backfires,’ Jackson murmured. ‘And what do you do then? Especially if
she’s
playing by different rules, and you don’t know what they are.’
Amos gave a snort of derisive laughter. ‘Women always play by different rules, and no man ever knows what they are. All you can be sure of is that they’ll trip you up if they can.’
‘Then I reckon we’ve both been tripped up,’ Jackson observed. ‘It’s time we were going.’
* * *
For much of the flight from Cairo to Nice Freya gazed out of the window at the clouds. By the time they got into the taxi from Nice to Monte Carlo she was ready to sleep. It was a relief to let her mind do nothing.
As the days passed she was glad she’d chosen to be with her mother. It was a long time since they had been alone together, able to talk freely and confide their troubles. It meant facing searching questions from Janine, but they forced her to confront herself and her own confusion.
‘You really came with me to get away from Jackson, didn’t you?’ Janine asked once.
‘Yes, I think I did.’
‘I thought you two had made up. Have you quarrelled again?’
‘No.’ She sighed. ‘It’s not a quarrel. It’s sadder than that.’
‘If it’s not a quarrel, what can it possibly be?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘But it worries you. Darling, if you’re falling in love with him don’t fight it just to teach Amos a lesson.’
‘I’m not falling in love with him.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Quite sure,’ she said firmly.
‘It’s just that when it all happened I had the strangest feeling that quarrelling with Jackson hurt you more than losing Dan.’
‘Mum, will you let it go, please? I’m not falling in love with Jackson.’
If Janine thought her daughter was trying to convince herself she was too tactful to say so.
‘All right, darling,’ she murmured. ‘Whatever you say.’
‘I’m not ready to fall in love with anyone yet,’ Freya asserted. ‘Maybe never.’
Even to Janine she could not explain the storm of confusion that Jackson caused within her. Part of her yearned towards him, longed for his love. But part of her recoiled from the strength of her own feelings—especially for a man she did not completely trust.
He was too much like Amos—too likely to indulge in deception to achieve his ends. But his charm could make her forget the danger, and his kisses had a power that alarmed her. She missed him terribly, but she also felt safer at a distance.
On the day Amos announced that he would soon be home Freya received a call from Cassie in Paris.
‘She’s making another repayment to me,’ she told Janine, ‘and she says that since I’m getting so interested in finance I should visit them and learn some more about it. I’ve said yes. It’ll get me out of the way when Amos arrives. I think the two of you need to be alone.’
‘Good idea,’ Janine agreed. ‘Have a wonderful time in Paris.’
Two days later Freya was comfortably ensconced in a room at La Couronne, the luxurious Paris hotel that Cassie and Marcel jointly owned and where they lived. She plunged into the pleasures of this new life, learning about finance and being treated as an honoured guest.
Jackson called her every day. She talked to him cheerfully, but in a way that revealed no feelings.
‘I’m having a wonderful time,’ she declared. ‘Paris is lovely and I’m really enjoying my new life. Just you wait and see. I’m going to be the businesswoman of the year.’
‘I’m sure you can be anything you want. So that’s it? You’ve got the future all arranged?’
‘Maybe. I’ve discovered that you don’t arrange the future. It just happens and you try to turn it to your advantage.’
‘Very shrewd. Right, I’ve got to go now. Goodbye.’
‘Goodbye,’ she said, hanging up. ‘Goodbye...’
And it might be goodbye finally. Perhaps that was what the future held. If so, she would do her best to turn it to her advantage.
There was no lack of pleasures available to her. Marcel even had a handsome friend, Pierre, who paid her particular attention.
‘I must warn you about him,’ Marcel said one evening. ‘He needs money, and word’s got around that you could afford a few investments.’
‘That’s what I figured,’ she replied. ‘Don’t worry, I’m in no danger.’
The four of them would sometimes dine together downstairs in La Couronne’s restaurant, and Pierre would give a performance of devotion that might have convinced her if she’d wanted to be convinced. As it was, she merely laughed, heard his speeches with a pretence of attention and let him kiss her hand.
‘Hey, look who’s here.’ Cassie said suddenly one evening.
Turning, they saw a man standing nearby, watching them with hard eyes. His gaze was fixed on Pierre, holding Freya’s hand to his lips, and a fierce glow seemed to come from him.
It was Jackson.
Marcel rose, greeting his brother cheerfully, bringing him over to the table.
‘Great to see you. Why didn’t you say you were coming?’
‘It was a last-minute decision and I can’t stay long. Freya, can we go somewhere?’
‘But surely you can have something to eat first,’ Cassie protested.
‘Thank you, but I can’t. Freya?’
‘Yes,’ she said.
There was no way of refusing this man’s fierce intent. The moment had come. The moment that in her heart she had always known would come.
He didn’t speak as she led him into the elevator and up to her room. When the door was closed she spoke in a voice that sounded tremulous even to her own ears.
‘You gave me a shock, appearing out of the blue like that.’
‘Are you surprised that I came here? You shouldn’t be. You practically forced me.’
‘I didn’t force you.’
‘When we speak on the phone it’s like talking to a stranger. Is that what you want to be to me? A stranger?’
‘No, of course not. But—’
‘Whenever we’ve spoken I’ve felt that you’ve withdrawn a little further.’
‘It’s just that I’m very busy.’
‘Too busy to spend time with the man who loves you? Don’t look so surprised. I told you at the airport that I love you—’
‘You didn’t actually use the word
love
,’ she mused.
‘I told you I was yours, heart and soul. If that doesn’t mean love, what does it mean? And you must have guessed my feelings before that.’
‘I know that we both got carried away. So much has happened that we can’t really see each other straight any more. Isn’t it better to step back and wait a little?’
‘No, it isn’t better. And wait for what? For you to let me into your life? I could wait for ever for that. And I won’t wait. I love you. I think I’ve loved you for a long time, and I’d probably have realised it sooner but for Dad. The way he kept trying to force us together just had the opposite effect. But we can’t let him do that to us. I’ve held back, waiting for you to see that we belong with each other not because of Dad but in spite of him.’
‘How do you know that we belong together?’ she cried. ‘Just because it’s what you want?’
‘No, I think it’s what you want too. I feel it when I hold you in my arms. I feel it even more when I kiss you and you kiss me back. I think you love me as much as I love you.’
‘You have no right to take that for granted.’
‘You think I believe only what I want to believe? All right, why don’t you prove me wrong?’
Before she could answer he’d taken her in his arms and was kissing her with an intensity that had a hint of desperation. The instinct to resist him flared for the briefest moment and died before the ferocity of her own feelings. Without wanting to she was kissing him back, moving her lips in ways that she knew challenged him, teased him, taunted him.
‘I had to come here,’ he said. ‘I told myself I was going to be patient, but I can’t think of anything but you. I want to marry you. I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life. I can’t believe that it’s all for nothing. Freya, don’t tell me it’s all on my side. You wouldn’t kiss me like that if you felt nothing for me. You’re mine. You can’t be anyone else’s.’