The Fire-Dwellers (27 page)

I couldn’t figure it at the time. But later on I thought maybe it was just that I hadn’t done him any favor. I hadn’t done anything he wanted me to do.

So then you had to take him on for life? Because

  — Who is this guy? Why did I never know?

It sounds crazy I guess.

It doesn’t sound crazy. Mac – stop beating yourself. You’re not God. You couldn’t save him.

That’s only too obvious.

Not obvious enough, maybe. Mac?

Yeh?

I never went to bed with him.

Mac reaches out and puts a hand tentatively on one of her breasts.

I believe you now. I wish to Christ I had before. I just felt I don’t know

Look – I might have. I guess I actually might have. But that wasn’t what he wanted. I don’t guess he was all that interested in women, Mac. That was why Julie left him. He liked it with himself but with somebody looking on.

Oh Jesus

Would it have been better if I hadn’t told you?

No. It’s better this way. It’s believable

Maybe he wanted you.

Mac involuntarily tenses.

Yeh maybe

Did it scare you, that?

Christ, Stacey, we’re talking a lot of bullshit. We better go to sleep.

Would it have been the end for you if I had gone to bed with him? In a way it wouldn’t have mattered.

Maybe not. But you didn’t.

No. I didn’t.

  — But I did with Luke, and you don’t know that and I can’t tell you because would it do any good to tell you? I don’t think so. I want to, but I can’t. Maybe it’ll come out twenty years from now just like this about Buckle has come out now. In the meantime, we carry our own suitcases. How was it I never knew how many you were carrying? Too busy toting my own.

Stacey?

Yeh?

  — What now? Whatever it is, I can’t take it.

About Delores

Who?

Delores Appleton. That girl.

Oh yeh. Her. What?

I did.

  — What does he expect me to do? Throw a fit? I’m delighted. I’m not the only one

Oh?

Only once, though. And only after I thought you’d gone to bed with Buckle.

  — Thanks. Heap coals of fire on my head. I’m made of asbestos.

Oh?

Yeh. But it wasn’t it wasn’t well I could see it wasn’t what she needed and what she needed I couldn’t

How do you mean?

Well I guess she really needs to be cared about by some guy over a long time

  — Oh Mac. Like I have been, by you, come hell or high water, in some way or other. Go ahead – stab me to the heart. Maybe I’ll undergo a change of heart. The new one will be plastic and unbreakable. And yet, goddam it, you did want her before, and couldn’t admit it until I’d given you some kind of cause for permission.

Yes. I can see that. I guess she does. Mac – I don’t mind honestly

Don’t you?

Well

  — Does he
want
me to mind?

Mac – we’d better try to go to sleep seven o’clock isn’t that far off

Yeh you’re right

Good night, Mac.

Good night, Stacey.

After a while, he is asleep but Stacey still is not. Something remains to be done. Gingerly, she edges out of bed, so as not to waken him, partly because he needs to sleep and partly because she could not explain. She goes into the boys’ room. Ian is sleeping, on his left side as always, his forehead slightly damp with sweat. Stacey does not touch him. She only listens to hear very definitely his breathing.

EVER-OPEN EYE TROOPS PARACHUTING INTO ANOTHER COUNTRY THE COMMENTING VOICE IS BUSINESSLIKE, INTERPRETING DEATH AS NUMERALS

How come you never take us to the beach, Mum?

I will, Ian.

Yeh, but summer holidays started one week ago – one whole week – and so far we haven’t been down once.

Yeh, that’s right, Mum. Ian’s right. You
never
take us to the beach. It’s not fair.

Okay, okay, Duncan. We’ll go tomorrow.

EVER-OPEN EYE POLICE TURN HOSES ONTO RIOTING NEGROES IN A CITY’S STREETS CLOSEUP OF A BOY’S FACE ANGER PAIN RAW THE WATER BLAST HITS HIM WITH THE FORCE OF WHIPS HE CRIES OUT AND CRUMPLES AND IS SWEPT ACROSS THE PAVEMENT LIKE A LEAF LIGHTLY DISCARDED FROM SOME TREE

Is that a promise?

Yes. Yes, it is, Ian. I should’ve taken you before. I know. I’m sorry. We’ll go tomorrow. Jen too.

  — Luke? I could tell you. I could talk. How can I with Mac? He’s got enough to worry about. I can’t upset him any more. I mustn’t. If I could just talk, Luke, nothing else, just talk

The totem poles are high, thin, beaked, bleached in the sun, carvings of monsters that never were, in that far dusty land of wild grasses, where the rivers speed and thunder while the ancient-eyed boatman waits. Luke is walking beside her. Luke, I’m frightened to death of life. It’s okay, baby – you’re not alone – I’m with you there
.

  — I can’t see him again. He doesn’t want to. He knew I’d lied about my age. He probably thinks I’m older even than I am. Okay – big deal, Stacey. You’ve done what thousands of other women have done. Don’t I know it? That’s what hurts the most, maybe. Shameless shameful attempt at rejuvenation. Pitiful, really. By Christ, I loathe
that
thought. The only blessing is at least I don’t have to worry about being pregnant. Sure, count your blessings, kid. Go ahead and do that.
I Was Pollyanna’s Mum
. A ray of sunshine. Face it – he was only being kind. I asked, and he didn’t say no. Was that all? Wasn’t he lonely out there? Didn’t he need a woman? He probably needed a girl, and that is precisely what he will get and maybe he will tell her about me.
There was this middle-aged old doll, see, and
No. I won’t think of it.

Katie’s voice shrilling from the kitchen.

Mum! Granddad’s here.

Oh – okay, Katie. I’ll be right there. The dinner’s all ready. Where’s Dad?

How should I know?

Stacey flicks off the TV and gathers Ian and Duncan.

Come on, kids. Go and say hello to Granddad.

Duncan eyes her doubtfully.

What’ll we tell him about Sunday school? He won’t like it.

You don’t need to tell him anything. I’ll tell him.

What’ll you say?

Stacey’s voice is sharper than she intended.

Listen in, then, why don’t you, if you’re so curious?

  — That was a hell of a thing to say. I take it out on Duncan, just because he’s quite rightly concerned at how Matthew will feel that the kids have quit going. I told them they could quit, because I was sick of that particular sham, and I nearly fainted
with surprise when Mac didn’t even argue, but now do I feel good about being honest for once in my life? No. I reproach myself and wonder if I’m denying them something for which they’ll later reproach me. And I don’t know how to tell Matthew, either.

Sorry, Duncan. I didn’t mean it to sound like I was mad. I don’t know how to tell Granddad, either.

Duncan puts his hand in hers.

Well, you’ll think of something.

  — Don’t bank on it, boy. I wish I had your confidence in me. I’d be a world-beater. Your temporary confidence, that is. Ian’s outgrown it, nearly, and Katie lost it long ago. And yet in some ways not. Look at how she was that day with Tess. She thought I would have known what to say.

Matthew is Sunday-dressed, immaculate as always, his eyes a little vaguer to Stacey’s view than last week, his straight determined body held that way with a little more difficulty.

Stacey, my dear. How are you?

Just fine, thanks. How’re you?

Oh, pretty well. I can’t complain. The apartment’s very hot these nights and I haven’t been sleeping too well, but apart from that, everything’s fine.

Why don’t you ask Doctor Spender for some sleeping pills?

Matthew shakes his head firmly.

No. I’m sure that it’s not a good idea to rely on external props of that nature.

Yeh. Well, you could be right

  — Praise God I finished off the triple-strength gin and tonic in the TV room and didn’t bring the glass up with me. Well, I haven’t been stoned since that time with the stove. I
don’t guess Matthew would think that sufficient cause for feeling heartened, though. He’d never be able to get over the fact that it happened at all.

I’m sure everyone sleeps as much as they actually require. I don’t suppose I require quite so much sleep any more. All the same, it’s nice to get away from the apartment. It’s much cooler here.

  — He doesn’t get out enough. I know it, and what do I do about it? Bugger all.

I – I’m taking the kids to the beach tomorrow. Why don’t you come along?

Oh no – I couldn’t do that. It would be too many for you the car too crowded

No it wouldn’t. Katie’s not coming. She goes with her friends by bus. The boys and you can go in the back seat.

Well, it would be very nice, but

  — Look. Either come or don’t come but please for mercy’s sake don’t make me persuade you because I just may not do that little thing.

Oh come on. It’ll do you good.

Well, perhaps I will, then. It would be very nice

Good. We’ll pick you up about two.

Well, it’s very nice of you, Stacey.

  — No, it damn well isn’t. You don’t know. Don’t kid yourself – I’ll regret it. You’ll fuss like fury every time a kid puts a foot in the water, and I’ll get silently to screaming pitch. Oh boy. I can hardly wait.

Stacey goes to the study door and knocks.

Mac?

Yeh?

Dinner’s ready. Your dad is here.

Okay.

  — What’s he doing in there? Accounts? Sales reports? Mourning? I don’t care, whatever it is. Or I don’t want to care. All I want to do is get dinner over with. Why we have to change from Sunday lunch to Sunday dinner, every summer, I do not know. It’s supposed to be so we can go out for long relaxing drives in the day. Mac has been in that goddam study since eleven this morning, emerging only for a sandwich at one. Let the kids scream and roar. Let me go out of my mind, nearly. Fat lot he cares. Damn you, Mac, don’t you think I might ever like to get away by myself? But no. Oh Stacey – ease up, can’t you? Buckle was his best friend. Strange – I told the kids, and they said hardly anything and they haven’t mentioned it since. I don’t know how they feel, or if they know that Mac is feeling anything at all.

Mac unlocks the bolted door and comes out of the study. He brushes past Stacey without looking at her and goes upstairs to the bathroom. But his face has passed close to her, close enough for her to be able to see that he has been crying.

  — Mac listen tell me

But it is not the time, and there are too many people around, so nothing can be said even if it could be said.

The following evening, Mac is home from work earlier than usual. Stacey pours him a drink, expecting him to go down to the TV room. She drinks her own while getting the dinner. Mac stands in the kitchen doorway, glass in hand, propping his height against the doorframe, and now Stacey notices for the first time that his brush-cut is growing out and the auburn of his hair looks almost like itself again. She does not know whether to mention it or not. If she says it is
an improvement, he may take it as a criticism of his previous appearance. Alternatively, he may realize that if he intends to keep a brush-cut he ought to have it trimmed. She decides not to say anything.

  — He’s got something to say to me. What’s the bad news now? Oh God, I didn’t mean that. The way his face looked yesterday

Stacey?

What?

Thor’s giving a party. At his place.

Oh God. When?

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow? My hair’s a mess. I went in the water with the kids today. And I can’t get it done.

Why not, for heaven’s sake? The hairdresser can’t be that booked up. If so, find another one.

It’s not that. It’s

  — Doesn’t he ever get himself in these fixes? Is it only me? How can I explain? I still don’t know what to do about Tess. If she sees me going out, I could say I’m taking Jen downtown for clothes. Yeh, but then later she’ll notice I’ve had my hair done. Hell.

Mac is frowning.

Honestly, Stacey, why you have to make everything so complicated I just do not know.

It’s okay it’s okay I’ll get my hair done don’t worry. Do we really have to go?

Naturally we have to go. What do you think? What would Thor think if we didn’t?

Search me. What would he think?

He’d think – oh, for Christ’s sake, Stacey, why do we have to go on like this? You know damn well what he’d think.

  — His voice. Tired. Beat. And I go on and on about nothing. I don’t want to go to Thor’s. I don’t want ever to see that character again.

I’m sorry.

And look – this time please don’t

I won’t I won’t. I won’t. I’ll drink tomato juice, like him.

Yeh, I can see it all now.

Ease up on me, Mac.

Me
ease up
on you?
I was only

Okay. I know. Listen, could you call the kids for dinner?

In the morning, Stacey washes and sets her own hair. When it is dry, she brushes it out, sitting in front of the dressing-table mirror in the bedroom, with Jen on the floor going through the large morocco leather jewellery case which contains Stacey’s earrings. Stacey flings down the brush, grabs her comb, re-combs and back-combs, squirts hairspray thickly over the total effect, then angrily runs her hands through, tousling and dishevelling.

What a sight. Why wasn’t I born with beautiful fine red hair like you and Katie, flower? Thor will take one look at me and say
Who let her out of the zoo?
Well, I won’t go, that’s all. How can I? No – the heck with it – I will so go. I’ll say
Oh Mr. Thorlakson how do you like my new wig? On sale at Woolworth’s
. Yeh. Laugh now. What am I going to do?