Mrs. Rodgers came in. “The press conference has been arranged, but Mr. Lederer needs to speak to you first. And Mr. McMurdo and the other senior partners have been calling. They want to see you immediately, they said, in the boardroom. And there’s another visitor.
He says he must see you now.” Mrs. Rodgers paused and smiled. She’s enjoying this, Gil thought. She doesn’t know what’s going on, but she smells blood—my blood—and she’s enjoying it.
“Has everyone gone crazy?” Gil nearly screeched. “I can’t see anyone now.”
“Oh, I think you’d better see me,” said Miguel De Los Santos as he walked into the room. “You’re going to have to see me about a lot of things.”
Mrs. Rodgers closed the door quietly behind her as she left, the small smile still on her lips.
Gil, frozen for a moment like a diver before his plunge begins, thought of Napoleon’s comment after the retreat from Moscow, From the sublime to the ridiculous there is only one step.
Paradise Lost.
“Annie. It’s Aaron.”’ Somehow, she wasn’t surprised. Still, she felt her stomach tighten, even if it was only for a moment. She took a deep breath, tried to loosen her grip on the phone.
“Hello.
“Listen, about Saturday night … at the party …”’ “Yes?”’ His voice, the voice she knew so well, was subdued.
“Annie, please meet me for lunch today. I have to see you,” he burst out.
“I can’t, Aaron. I have a busy afternoon.”’ Now, after her final, successful confrontation with Gil, she had only a few more things to do. She felt good. She’d taken charge of her life.
She’d gotten justice for Cynthia. Today, she was seeing two different real estate brokers to talk about selling the apartment, and then she was driving out to Amagansett, to see agents out there. But why did she have to tell Aaron she was busy? Why couldn’t she simply say no and put down the phone? She was in no mood to hear him whine about Miguel or Jerry or Chris or anyone else who was victimizing him.
“Please, Annie,” he coaxed. “It’s important. We could make it quick.
” Aaron scanned the crowd nervously, looking for Annie’s face among the nannies, out with kids, the joggers, the homeless, and the other flotsam and jetsam of a mild winter’s day in Central Park. since he had seen Annie Saturday at the ball, he had done some hard thinking.
He didn’t know what her connection was to the Santos guy, but he didn’t blame her for telling the guy the truth. He saw his mistakes now clearly. And his need for her had grown and grown.
He was early, and although he was nervous, he felt good, lifted out of the lethargy that had dragged him down. He had told Leslie he needed some air and simply walked out the door. He was taking an action. I know’what I want, and I can still get it, he thought.
Annie’s slim form and brisk movements attracted his eye. There she was.
“Hello, Annie.”
“Hi, Aaron.”
“You look great, Annie. That color becomes you.”
Annie laughed.” Pink is the enemy of chic.” I read that last week.
But thank you.” She smiled.
Aaron smiled, too. What a relief to be with Annie! He took her by the arm and walked her out of the park thoroughfare they were standing in.
”Do you really want to eat here?” Aaron asked, looking doubtfully at the zoo restaurant.
“There’s really not much choice,” she admitted, scanning the scant menu. ‘But it’s such a mild day, and the food is supposed to be better than at the old zoo cafeteria. Remember how we used to take the boys there? Are you hungry?”
“A little,” Aaron lied.
”I just want tea and yogurt. And I would like to eat out on the terrace, if that’s okay with you. It’s not too cold. Then I really have to run.”
“Fine,” Aaron answered. “It is rather charming.”
He opened the door and held it while Annie entered. As she did, she brushed very close to him and he became suddenly aware of the scent of her perfume. It nearly felled him. In a single moment it was all before him, the life that they had had together, the harmony, the ease, the friendship, the support, the love. He leaned against the doorframe to steady himself. He felt weak and on the verge of tears.
Pulling himself together aS best he could, he walked up beside her and looked at her to see if she had noticed his weakness. She had not.
Aaron took coffee and a sandwich. Then he and Annie, with her tea and yogurt, made their way out to the terrace that lined the walkway to the zoo.
“So, now you have to pay to get into the zoo,” Aaron observed.
“Yes, and of course, the whole zoo is fenced off. Not like it used to be. You can’t even walk through to go to the Wollman rink.”
“I don’t like it. It’s not at all gracious,” Aaron muttered. Christ, he thought. I hate this small talk. It’s so fucking awkward.
”They did it for the animals’ security, I believe,” Annie went on.
‘But it’s part of a general trend. People abuse assets and, therefore, lose them.”
Aaron felt so sensitive that for a moment he thought that the remark was an indirect comment on him. He looked at Annie, but her face was serene—there was no malice. In fact, she looked to him like water to a thirsty man. He restrained himself no longer. His voice broke as he spoke. “Annie, I’ve got serious problems.”
“I gathered that from your phone call,” Annie replied calmly.
“Annie, things have gone from bad to worse. I’m in unbelievable trouble.”
“I’m sorry, Aaron. Like what things?” There was a touch of concern in her voice, but only a touch.
“Well, you know that I always intended to get back Sylvie’s money. And now with the sale of my partnership, I will,” he hastened to assure her. “But even before that I really had a plan for the company which would have given me more earnings. I was going to borrow from Morty, and if it had gone right, I would have had enough to replace what I lost. But …” Aaron leaned over and covered his face with his hands. “I cheated. Morty gave me a tip. I used it when I shouldn’t have.” He didn’t dare to look up, didn’t dare to see her. “And Chris is angry with me. He says he’s not sure if he loves me. He says I almost ruined him and Alex.”
He sat for a moment, gathering his courage, and at last looked at her.
The improvement in his looks that had come from his walk to the zoo and his new focus was gone now. His nose was red from the cold. It was Aaron, defeated, who spoke.
“And believe it or not, I regret now that I was going to try to force Jerry out. I realize that I like the guy. I need him. I behaved badly with him, with Morty. And with Chris. I need Chris. I need them all.”
He turned his eyes back down to his untouched sandwich.
“Now there’s that guy from the SEC who’s called. I guess I’m in trouble. But haven’t I been punished enough?”
Annie sighed and Aaron turned back to her. He sounded pathetic, he knew it. This wasn’t going as he had planned. He’d better get back on track.
“I’m sorry, Annie. I shouldn’t be burdening you with this.” Then he looked at her With a gaze expressing as much sincerity as he had at his disposal. “Look. I don’t how know how else to say it. It was a mistake to leave you. I see that now.”
Annie sipped her tea.
He waited for a reaction. There was none. “What do you think of that?
That I think it was a mistake?”
Annie was slow to answer. ‘Well, if you think it was a mistake, then, for you, maybe it was.”
“But what about you, what do you think?”
“Do I think you made a mistake? At the time of the divorce I did. But then, when you married what’s-her-name, I thought you were crazy.” She looked at him. “I gather your marriage is in trouble, too.”
Aaron was embarrassed and couldn’t answer at once. “We have no deep understanding,” he finally said, hoarsely.
“Ah.”
“And I don’t think we ever could. We have different values.”
Annie made a little noise, was it a sort of snort? It irritated Aaron.
At last, he sensed her detachment, he looked at her accusingly. “I get the feeling you don’t care about what I’m telling you.”
“Oh, I care, Aaron, somewhat. But you’re married to someone else. I’d be crazy to stay emotionally involved with you.” She paused. “But we were very close for a very long time, so, I still care …
somewhat.
” Aaron felt the affront but couldn’t afford to take offense. Jesus, he told himself, you can’t afford this pride. Please, please, let her see how you feel. Let her see how you need her, how you want her again. Once more he pulled himself together, focused all his energy, and took her hand. He knew she was his last hope.
He took a deep breath. “Do you think we could possibly get back together?”
Annie laughed slightly and rolled her eyes at him.
Aaron was confused but felt warmed by her laughter. His head was throbbing and he’d take any kind of relief.
He smiled at her. “You think I’m crazy to want to try again?”
“Yes, Aaron.I’m sorry but I’m afraid I do. Do you think I could ever take you seriously? You’re in trouble up to your ears, your wife isn’t supportive -that’s obvious - and you come running to good old Annie to make things better for you. You expect me to roll over like a dog,asif my life hasjust been on hold.lshouldjustfallin with your plans. At least until they change. Aaron, do you know you’re insulting me?”
“Insulting you? I’m asking to marry you! I think you’re an angel.
I’m willing to humble myself to get you back. I love you, Annie.”
Annie became serious. “Give me a break, Aaron. You’re a man who crumbles in adversity. You were a good enough dad to two easy, healthy boys, but even then you always favored the brighter boy. And you collapsed when faced with a handicapped daughter. Work was great whea it came easy. Marriage, too. But when it gets tough—and it always does, Aaron—you bail out. You talk as if you haven’t realized that I have a life of my own—plans of my own. Well … I do have plans.
I’m not available.”
Aaron felt as if he had been kicked in the stomach, or perhaps somewhere lower. For a moment it seemed as if the terrace actually shook under his feet. He gripped the edge of the white metal table.
He thought of that De Los Santos character. Was there something going on there? Something more than professional? He was desperate now.
“Annie, how can you be so heartless? I’m in such trouble. You’re all I have. I love you! Doesn’t our marriage mean anything to you?”
“Aaron”—Annie looked at him incredulously—“we’re not married.”
“Oh, God.”’ Aaron cringed. “Don’t remind me!” He put his hands over his eyes. ‘What am I going to do?”
Annie looked at him steadily and spoke to him in a way she never had before.
‘I guess you’ll have to deal with your problems. Solve them. You do realize that you created this situation—you’re not a victim.”
Aaron took his hands away from his eyes. He could hardly believe she had used that phrase. She sounded like Leslie ! He glanced back at her again to see if she was making some kind of macabre joke. No, she was serious. He felt the last shreds of his world crumbling. And he felt insulted. Well, if it wasn’t too late, he’d rescue his dignity.
“So, you expect your knight in shining armor to save you?”’ he sneered.
”I don’t need to be saved. Or rather, I did, but I saved myself.”
“I have nothing else to say then,” he said stiMy.
Annie was silent for a few minutes. She felt, deep inside her, even now, the Longing not to go, the urge, despite everything, still to cling, to continue the drama. But the other part of her, the real Annie, was ready to leave. And I can stand the tear now, the tearing that felt so intolerable once. Now there is scar tissue. I had to take it when my mother left me, and when Aaron left me before, and when Sylvie left. Now I know I’ll survive. It’s he who doesn’t know that now.
She spoke gently to him. “I guess I’ll go then, Aaron.” She looked at him, his handsome face surprised, a look that said, This can’t be happening.
“But Annie. I’m so lonely.”
“Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it,‘i Annie said, and she left him.
.
Annie walked toward the zoo entrance. She paid the admission fee, went through the turnstile, and entered.
She hadn’t seen the new zoo.
It was much improved, but it was still only a prison for animals.
Moving through the glass-enclosed habitat of the waterfowls, she felt sad. The ducks were swimming around in what at first looked like a large outdoor space, but upon closer observation, she realized a trompe l’oeil backdrop gave the appearance of expansiveness, and a mirror doubled the view. She doubted it fooled the birds.
She stood before the tricked-out cage and for a moment wished that things were different. If only Aaron hadn’t left her. They had been happy. In the coldness, the falseness, of the fast-paced New York life, they had made a family. She wished, oh, how she wished, that they could go back to the way it had been. But that past wasn’t real and she saw more clearly now. She saw the real edges of the cage it had been.
The sadness of the plight of the trapped animals was lifted by her sudden realization, I don’t love Aaron.
And I don’t even want him anymore. We all live in cages, she thought.
Loving Aaron was a cage, and the large penthouse apartment, filled with such sad memories, was another.
I’m luckier than the ducks, she thought. I can walk away.
She continued to walk through the zoo. She came to the polar bears.
For a moment she felt sorry for her ex-husband. But Aaron doesn’t love me, she thought. He’s just like these caged animals now. They don’t look dangerous, but they are. Like the wild beasts in the zoo, if allowed back into her life, the moment that he didn’t get what he wanted from her, the moment he no longer needed her nurturing or felt deprived of it, he would attack and destroy her.
Or leave her. As he had already done.
She walked outside, past the monkey enclosure, toward the exit of the zoo. She was filled with that profound feeling she had had in Katsura.
I have my friends, she thought, my writing, and if eventually only a small studio apartment, it will be larger in some ways than any place I have ever lived before.