The Five-Minute Marriage (31 page)

“
Mercy on us, Sam, what can be the matter?
”
cried Jenny in amazement, while Anne went to procure him a glass of water.

When he had drunk it down, they were not materially better informed as to the cause of his excitement, for he could only exclaim,

“
Treason! Villainy! Horrible knavery! O, what nasty havey
-
cavey dealings!
”

“
What
’
s the matter, Sam?
”
said Miss Anne, presently becoming impatient with this.
“
Do, for heaven
’
s sake, tell us a round tale!
”

At last he had quieted down enough to do so.

“
I
’
m that pleased to find
you
here, Miss Carteret, ma
’
am, for it was to discover your direction I came here, having first run all the way to Curzon Street, only to discover you was removed from there, and none to tell me where you had gone! Oh, whatever shall I do now, says I to myself, and then I recollected that Miss Baggott might have your direction.
”

“
Indeed, I am sorry you have had all this running about on my behalf, Mr. Swannup,
”
said Delphie,
“
but, pray, what has put you into such a state of agitation?
”

“
Well, miss, here
’
s how it all was: My friend Mr. Bardwell as looks after Mr. Penistone (now become Lord B.)—Mr. Bardwell had put me in the way of a little job of work at Lord Bollington
’
s residence in Hanover Square, where they wanted hatchments setting up over the doors, in mourning for the old gent as died, and also some of the locks on the doors wanted mending, for indeed his old lordship had let the whole house fall into a sorry state
...”

Here he paused to take breath.

“
I am not surprised to hear it,
”
said Delphie, remembering the shabby and moth-eaten state of the furnishings at Chase.
“
But go on, Mr. Swannup—what happened?
”

“
Well, miss—being as how my Jenny had given me two of her notable apple turnovers to take along with me by way of a nuncheon while I was working (and real tasty they was, too, my love,
”
he added,
“
that smitch of clove you puts with the apples is a fair masterpiece!); as I was saying, miss, being wishful to eat my nuncheon somewhere unespied by persons who might chance to walk in and out of the room where I was working, I bethought me to take refuge in a kind of a little gallery, where I sat myself down on the floor (for there was no chair) behind a big desk, and in between that and some railings. A rug was throwed over the railings, so I was as safe and snug, miss, as if I had been in a rabbit burrow.
”

“
Where was this, Mr. Swannup?
”
Delphie asked, somewhat perplexed by his description.

“
It was in the library, miss, of Lord Bollington
’
s house in Hanover Square, where I was a-mending of a lock. Well, as I chanced to sit there quietly, miss, a-munching of my Jenny
’
s turnover and a-thinking of her beautiful black eyes, what should chance to walk into the room below me but two persons. And before I could make my presence known to
‘
em, miss—though not anxious to do so, if you will believe me, for Jenny
’
s pastry is
that
flaky and I was all over turnover crumbs—what should I hear but a voice pronouncing your name, miss!
”

“
Oh?
”
said Delphie rather blankly.

“
Yes, miss! You may well say oh!
‘
What the devil are
you
doing here, Miss Carteret?
’
says the voice. I knows it, for it was the voice of that Mr. Fitzjohn, who acts as bailiff and steward and so forth to Lord Bollington; it was he who had instructed me about the work I was to do.
‘
What the deuce are
you
doing here?
’
he says. Well, miss, when I hears the name
Carteret,
I lifts just a tiddy twitch o
’
the rug, and claps my eye to the chink, and looks down into the room below; there stands Mr. Fitz, with a young lady I never laid eyes on before in my whole life! A monstrous fashionable young lady in a sarcenet pelisse (like the one we was a-looking at for you, Jenny) and a feather in her hat—
”

“
What color—?
”
began Jenny, but Miss Anne exclaimed,

“
What is
that
to the purpose? Hold your tongue, do, Jenny, and let Sam tell his tale!
”

“
Well
,”
said Sam,
“
I was just a-thinking, This is not my Miss Carteret, and may be no connection at all, when the young lady breaks out in a great tweak and taking.
‘
Oh, Mordred
,”
says she,
‘
it is too provoking for words! That ninnyhammer of a Lady Bablock-Hythe,
’
says she,
‘
has encountered Mrs. Carteret, who has told her some tiresome tale—
’
‘
Met Mrs. Carteret?
’
says he, sounding very put out,
‘
Pray, how in the world did
they
chance to meet?
’
‘
In the street,
’
says she,
‘
it is the most vexatious thing! And the long and the short of it is, Mordred, that
Durnett
and I have been given our marching orders and told to leave Brook Street, since the odious Lady Bablock-Hythe chooses to believe
their
tale rather than
mine! So
I have come here, Mordred!
’
says she,
‘
for where else can I go? What is happening now about that wretched girl, Mordred?
’
says she.
‘
Does Gareth believe in her tale or not?
’
‘
How should I know?
’
says he, sounding mightily displeased.
‘
Gareth does not take
me
into his confidence. But they
have
had a quarrel, I know that, for he came here in a blazing rage at her, and has now posted down to Chase, declaring that he wishes the whole of womenkind were at the devil.
’
‘
Aha, so he will have their marriage annulled, will he?
’
says she, sounding as joyful as if she had just been left fifty thousand in the Funds.
‘
What is that to you?
’
says Mr. Fitz, as surly as a baited bear.
‘
You know you are promised to
me,
and have been these five years past!
’
‘
Now, Mordred!
’
cries she.
‘
Do but be practical. Let us understand one another.
’
‘
Yes, by all means let us,
’
says he.
‘
Our understanding only holds good,
’
says she,
‘
on condition you win your suit, and become Lord Bollington. But in the meantime,
’
says she,
‘
I must look out for myself, and my best means of doing
that
is to marry Gareth. Then—if you win your suit—it will be the easiest thing in the world to put Gareth out of the way—a dish of oysters, or a carriage accident, or an accidental drowning, or some such thing—
’
‘
And if I should
not
win my case?
’
says he, surlier still.
‘
Then
you
will be Lady Bollington and I shall be nothing at all
—
then what shall you do?
’
‘
Why,
’
she says, airy as a feather,
‘
even then, some accident may occur, and I will be the widowed Lady Bollington, with all the revenues, and can marry you, and at least we will be the better for that!
’
‘
And what about Mrs. Carteret and Miss Philadelphia, now Lady Bablock-Hythe believes their tale?
’
says he.
‘
Oh
,’
says she,
‘
we can soon find some means to rid ourselves of
them
—I do not regard them at all! Indeed it is only by sheer unlucky mischance that they are not already disposed of. We might discredit them easily enough, could I possess myself of their papers. (If I had not employed that stupid boy I should have them by now
,’
she said.)
‘
Or we might have it put about that she poisoned Lord Bollington
.
‘
That cock won
’
t fight,
’
says he,
‘
for the Crowner
’
s Quest this morning has brought in a verdict of Accidental Death. I do not trust you, Elaine
,’
says he.
‘
I do not believe you intend to marry me at all! I believe you have always loved Gareth Penistone—ever since you met him in Bath—I believe if you could secure him you would sacrifice me without a single scruple!
’
‘
It is no such thing!
’
cries she.
‘
I love you, Elaine
,’
says he,
‘
and what is more I know the truth about you, and if
that
comes to Gareth
’
s ears, you are properly dished, and may toss your hopes of him into the gutter. So you had best pay more heed to my wishes.
’
And then they begin to quarrel, going at one another like cat and dog, and all the time I was in a fair quake, lest someone should come in and discover me, and they therefore learn I had heard all they said.
”

“
Great heaven!
”
cried Delphie, aghast.
“
What hideous revelations of duplicity! What outrageous monsters are these! How can such things be?
”

In point of fact she was not quite so surprised as her words suggested, for she had never reposed full confidence in Mr. Fitzjohn, while Miss Carteret had from the outset made it plain that she was her open enemy. But Mr. Swannup had told his tale with such emphasis, such flashing eyes, and such a wealth of dramatic gesture, that she felt he was entitled to a fair meed of astonishment in return.

“
Ah, but wait, miss—there
’
s more yet!
”
he said triumphantly.
“
And even blacker deceit! Just you listen while I tell you. After they had quarreled for a number of minutes, she says,
‘
Well, if you do not want me here, I shall go down to Chase; it will be proper for me to attend the funeral in any case
,”
she says.
‘
And while I am there, ten to one I can fix my interest with Gareth, if he has quarreled with
Miss Philadelphia
.
’
Oh, the nasty way she said those words, miss—it fair made my blood boil!
‘
And once I have fixed my interest with Gareth
,’
says she,
‘
you can sing him any song you like—he will not listen!
’
‘
You may go to the devil, with my leave
,’
says he.
‘
You are a hard-hearted selfish Vixen and I wish I had never known you and that you had never been born!
’
‘
You are just as selfish!
’
cries she.
‘
If you had not written to me in Bath saying that the old Cull was not seriously indisposed, I should have come to Chase when he summoned me, and been married to Gareth by now. That affair was
your
doing, and I believe you wrote the letter to prevent my marrying Gareth
.’
‘
I warn you
,’
says he,
‘
if you persist in going to Chase, I shall do what I can to queer your pitch—and there is much I can do!
’
‘
Take heed to
yourself,
Cousin Mordred!
’
says she.
‘
For I can be an ill foe too
—
I could tell Cousin Gareth tales of your embezzling from the old cove that would land you properly in the basket!
’