The Five Stages of Falling in Love (20 page)

Soft lips against soft lips, his tongue swept out along my lower one and then I found myself opening for him, letting him taste me completely. I kissed him back, unable to make coherent thoughts or think of anything beyond this moment.

My heart pounded ferociously in my chest. My hands slid up his vest and wrapped around his neck. His other hand pressed against the small of my back until we were chest to chest, tightly held together.

He kissed me for a very long time, longer than any first kiss I had ever had. He didn’t seem to want to stop. He would nibble on my bottom lip and then delve his tongue back into my mouth.

I gasped for air and sanity, but he filled every breath and sense.

Finally, just as our kisses became frantic and our touch more desperate, he slowed down. He ended our make out with the sweetest, lingering kiss. He pulled back just a little but rested his forehead against mine while his breathing steadied out.

“I have wanted to do that for a very long time.” His words were worshipful whispers.

I started trembling. I couldn’t form words or share the same sentiment. I had never thought about kissing Ben.

Not once.

“I’ll call you tomorrow,” he promised.

I nodded, still unable to speak.

He let me go and I groped for the door handle. I couldn’t look at him as I fled inside the dark house. I shut the door behind me and flicked the deadbolt over. My back slammed against it and reality came crashing over me.

I started sobbing; it seemed there was nothing left for me to do. The cries came straight from my heart, soul-wrenching sobs that were so deep they didn’t make any sound at first.

I slid to the ground, completely bereft.

What had I done?
 
   

I betrayed Grady.
I betrayed him.

I sucked in a gasping breath and whatever barrier had been left completely dissolved. My cries were loud now, ugly and desperate. I held my hands over my face and wept while my soul shattered apart.

Emma came running into the room completely frightened by my breakdown. “Oh, Liz,” she gasped when she found me on the floor.

I felt her arms wrap around me so tightly it hurt as she slid down next to me. She held me against her chest like a small child, rocking me back and forth. Her tears mingled with mine and she mourned with me even though she couldn’t begin to know what a horrible person I was.

When I had finally settled down some, she asked, “Was it horrible?”

I shook my head as more tears started to fall. “It was wonderful,” I confessed.

“Then why are you crying?”

“Because it was wonderful.
And because he kissed me!”

“You didn’t want him to?”

“No,” I shook my head and my face scrunched as hot tears poured from my eyes. “I didn’t want him to stop.”

She finally understood my inner conflict. She pulled me into her arms and I stayed there as both of us cried for the husband I’d love and the husband I’d buried.

Emma couldn’t possibly understand all of the emotional turmoil that beat on me, that stirred up my insides and ravaged my heart. But she knew that this hurt me. That it both killed me and somehow sewed me back together.

I didn’t know what to do about Ben or if there was even anything to do. The only thing I knew that night was that it had been one of the best of my life.

And one of the worst.

Stage Four: Depression

There has been this faint hope inside of me that while I work through these stages of grief, they would become easier along the way.

I pictured myself healing as I waged war with each stage, gradually building armor that would protect me from the hurt, heartache and despair.

That hope is a lie.

Grief doesn’t get easier with each stage. Grief becomes harder, more difficult to face, more consuming with each breath that I take.

I am adrift in a sea of confusion. I am lost in a desert of heartache.

I am broken.

And now I must face depression.

This is the last of the great miseries. I am supposed to find acceptance after this stage, but I don’t think it will happen.

I can’t help but believe I will be lost in depression for the rest of my life.

The only light I can find, beyond my children, is in Ben and he brings his own private agony that rips at my chest with claws as sharp as knives.

He is both comfort and pain.
Both freedom and shame.

The relief I feel when I am with him is at odds with my private guilt.
Guilt that I try to ignore.

Grady has been the only life I know.

But can there still be life in death?

If I chain myself to my dead husband, will I ever truly live again?

And yet how can I let go of a love and a man that still mean everything to me?

There is too much on my heart, too much weighing on my shoulders. Depression comes in fast and fiercely, without apology and without reprieve.

Depression leaves me feeling heartsick and hopeless. Ben is the only fresh air in my stale, stagnant thoughts. Yet I will eventually have to let him go too.

And then my depression will become twofold. Once for the man that I will always love, but can never be with again. And once for the man that I will have to choose to never be with in the first place.

It is agony to live like this.

I love one man and I am falling in love with another.

I am grieving and I am celebrating.

I find moments where I am truly happy.

But at the end of the day, when I am alone and left to my thoughts and my grief, I find that I am so very depressed. And that is the very beginning of me and the very end.

I am nothing but depressed.

Chapter Twenty

Five days passed before I saw Ben again. True to his word he had called me the day after our date. And when I hadn’t answered, he had texted asking me to call him back.

I hadn’t done that either.

I managed to avoid running into him over the weekend and into the school week. My kids kept me busy. Soccer season was in full swing for both of the older kids, and Lucy and
Jace
had started swim lessons. I had signed them up weeks ago, hoping we would be able to use Ben’s pool during summer.

Now the lessons felt like little digs at my heart, painful reminders of what I’d ruined between us.

I couldn’t face him again. I couldn’t look into his eyes and remember that kiss and not fall to pieces.

Worst of all, I didn’t want to give that up.
Him
up.

I wanted there to be more.

When I lay in bed at night now, I reached over to Grady’s side and felt the crushing weight of his absence. But then I would close my eyes and remember the feel of Ben’s lips against mine, the hard press of his body, the firm grip of his hands as he held me tightly to him, as desperate for me as I was for him.

My mind would spin and my thoughts would crash into each other. My heart couldn’t figure out where to settle, whether to feel guilt or elation, shame or joy. It was too much for me. I walked around those days with tears I could not stop and a sick feeling in my stomach.

I tried to convince myself that if I felt this ill about Ben, then I shouldn’t be with him. A relationship couldn’t be built on emotions as volatile as these.

But in the depth of me, in my very center, I knew that it wasn’t Ben causing this trauma. It was my refusal to acknowledge my feelings for Ben that had me tied up in knots. It was the suppression of my real feelings that made me ill and heartbroken.

I knew he would get tired of my avoidance. Ben wasn’t the kind of man that ran from problems. He faced them head on and like with everything else, he challenged me to do the same.

But I desperately hoped he would give up on me. I needed him to walk away and find someone that could actually give back to him what he wanted… what he needed.

Late Wednesday night, a knock at my door warned that the time had come to face Ben.

I sat curled up on the couch, a book lying listlessly in my hands. I had been planted there for an hour and hadn’t read a single word.
 

I looked through to the door, heart already pounding, breath already shortened. I couldn’t bring myself to move from the couch. How would I face him? How would I tell him I couldn’t do this?

My brain warred with my heart. My soul argued with my intellect. I knew what I should do, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was forcing myself to lose someone I cared about all over again, only this time there was no one to blame but myself.

When I agreed to his date, I had been so worried that I would ruin things with my awkwardness and emotional unavailability that he wouldn’t want to continue any kind of relationship with me. Not even friendship. But it had been easy to be with Ben.
So easy.

And after that kiss… I knew that I was the one that would have to end things with him.

He had shown me a truth that I wasn’t ready to see. He’d revealed a part of me that I had denied for a long time. Those things scared me.

Terrified me.

He had become the friend I could always count on, but so much more than that. He had become the man that I needed. That I wanted.

I wanted more and being near him without having more would be torture.

He was my slow death.

He knocked again, harder this time. I couldn’t help but smile at his persistence.

I pulled myself off the couch and dug deep for courage. I was an adult. I was a grown woman with grownup responsibilities. I could face Ben Tyler.

My hand shook as I turned the door handle, calling me a liar.

He stood there with one arm bent at an angle against the doorframe. His forehead rested on his wrist while he stared down at his shoes. My heart squeezed, he looked miserable.

His eyes lifted to meet mine and I noticed he hadn’t shaved in a few days. The rough growth suited him and tugged at something low in my belly. I ached to run the palm of my hand over the stubble, wanting to know what it felt like against the pads of my fingers.

“You’re ignoring me now?” he rasped gruffly. His dark eyes flashed fiercely.

I shook my head immediately, denying his accusation. “No.”

He stood up to his full height and pushed by me into the house. “I knew this was going to be hard, Liz. But you could talk to me about it. You could tell me how you’re feeling. I could help you work through this.”

Fear turned to anger, “So we’re just jumping right into this then? I’m fine by the way, thanks for asking.”

“I know you’re fine. As fine as you can be,” he ground out. “But I’m not.”

His words punched at my resolve making my breath puff out of me. “Ben-”

“We’re right for each other, Liz. The other night… that was a damn good night.”

“Maybe… sure, it was a good date, but that doesn’t mean there can be more. I don’t even know why we bothered. We should never have tried anything beyond friendship.”

He ignored me, “And all the other nights before that one? Also damn good nights. Every time I’m with you, I feel it, Liz. I feel it here.” He pressed his hand to his heart and I swayed from the ferocious emotion swelling inside of me. “I know that I need to be careful with you. I
want
to be careful with you, but I need some of that same respect in return.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Return my calls, Liz. Tell me what’s going on. Share your thoughts once in a while! I am trying here, but I can only do so much on my own. You have got to help me out or we’re not going to go anywhere.”
 

“Ben, I can’t do this. You’re not listening to me! I don’t want this to go anywhere! You’re asking too much of me.”

“I’m not.” He stepped right up to me. His chest heaved with his frustration and something else… something I wasn’t ready to acknowledge yet. “I’m going to be gentle with you, Liz. We’re going to treat this delicately. I’m going to let this happen slowly, let us fall slowly. But I am not asking too much of you.”

“This will never work!” I snapped at him. “We’re doomed from the start. I’m in love with another man, Ben! A man you will never be able to compete with because he’s dead!”

Ben’s hands reached up to cup my face. His thumbs rubbed over my cheeks, wiping away tears I hadn’t realized I’d started to shed. “I don’t want to compete with Grady,” he murmured. “And I don’t ever expect you to stop loving him. But whether you want to admit it or not, we’ve started something great. You don’t have to prove to me that you have room for two men in your heart. You’ve already made room. I think it’s time you realized that so we can move forward.”

I stumbled back a step, ripping myself away from his touch. His words made my skin tingle and my heart flutter. How did he know how to say such perfect things? How did he know how to reach inside of me and pluck my fears from my chest and my hesitation from my soul?

How had we gone from casual friendship to this? This felt earth shattering… soul-shaking… fundamental to my very existence.

I stood at a crossroads. I could continue on with my life the way it was, grieving Grady and refusing to take control of the life I had left to live. Or I could try this thing with Ben. I could acknowledge that not everything in life made sense and that Ben was right.

I loved Grady, but I cared deeply for Ben. I hadn’t thought it was possible to care for two men, but my heart had already made room.

This seemed ill-timed and impossible, but this incredible opportunity stood in front of me in a very nice package that I had come to believe I could not live without.

“What do you expect to happen between us?”

A tender smile touched his lips, “I expect us to take this one day at a time. I expect you to be difficult and for me to be patient and understanding and so, so gentle. I expect us to enjoy each other, Liz.
And not much more.
Not yet.”

“I already enjoy you,” I glared at him, hating that he was able to get through to me.

I had to be crazy to even consider this!

“I know you do.”

I let out a sigh of frustration, “This isn’t going to work, Ben. We’re both going to end up hurt.”

“You’re already hurting, Liz.” He stepped toward me again and tucked a stubborn piece of hair behind my ear.

“That’s what I mean.” My chin trembled as I struggled not to cry again. I hated that I couldn’t keep a lock on my emotions. I hated that losing Grady had broken me so severely that my eyes constantly leaked and my crazed emotions always floated near the top. I needed to normalize. But looking up into Ben’s eyes and taking in his handsome, pleading face, I knew it wouldn’t happen any time soon. “I can’t take anymore heartbreak,” I confessed on a broken whisper.

“Then it’s a good thing I’m not going to break your heart.” He leaned down and pressed a kiss to my lips. His mouth felt warm and hopeful.

He kissed me like I was a delicate, fragile thing. He kissed me with care and an aching sweetness that touched the bitter places inside of me and brought them back to life. I came to life in his arms, with his lips against mine. I awoke from the dead and bloomed into something so beautiful I felt awed by the sight of it, something that had not existed until Ben Tyler walked into my world.

He pulled away before I was ready, but I couldn’t admit that. Not even to myself.

I met his unwavering gaze again and asked the question that had been burning brightest.
“Why me, Ben?
You could have anyone. You could have your pick of uncomplicated girls without kids and without dead husbands. You’re the whole package. Any girl would be lucky to be with you. I just… I don’t understand why you chose me.”

He didn’t hesitate. One of his hands came to rest on my waist, the other wrapped around the back of my neck. “You were not the only one that was lost when we met. I found something in you I had been looking for
for
a very long time.”

“What was that?”

“
Myself
,” he whispered.

I closed my eyes and struggled not to be swept away in his wake. “Ben…”

“Liz, I didn’t expect to fall for you, not like this… not so completely. And I never expected for you to fall for me too. But here we are. Let’s see where this goes. Let’s see how far left there is to fall.”

I nodded, unable to make the words form on my lips.

He pulled me against him.
“Really?”

“I can’t say no to that.”

A satisfied grin broke across his face. “I figured.”

“You’re unforgivably cocky. You know that?”

“I have you to remind me.”

I have you
… His words wrapped around my heart and held it together as the frantic pounding of it threatened to tear me apart.

His eyes darkened again and his lips turned down into a serious frown, “When this becomes too much
tell me
. All you have to do is tell me how you feel and I will help you, Liz. I know this won’t be easy. I know we’re asking a lot from each other. But I also know that it is worth it. We are worth it. But it will never work unless I know what you are thinking and how you feel.
Alright?”

I nodded again, “Okay.”

“Tell me when it’s too much and I will back off. I promise you that.”

“Okay,” I repeated.

He watched my face for a few long moments before he dipped his head and trailed his nose along the curve of my jaw, placing a tender kiss just below my ear. “Okay,” he whispered against my skin.

And then he ravished me, right there on the cold tile of the entryway.

Just kidding.
Then one of my children screamed bloody murder from the top of the stairs.

“I have to go check on her.” He took a step back and nodded. “Wait for me?”

His entire body relaxed. I watched him turn from carved stone to a man that could slay me with one of his heated looks. His shoulders relaxed and his limbs became tensile and familiar. “I’ll wait,” he promised on a low rumble.

I shivered and tried to ignore the fluttering feeling that I hadn’t felt in a very long time. Turning from him quickly, I raced up the stairs to check on Lucy.

She turned to face me when I flipped the hallway light on. Her little arms lifted, begging for a hug.

I scooped her up in my arms and pressed a kiss to her sweaty forehead. “Did you have a nightmare?”

She nodded against my cheek. “I miss my daddy!” she cried. “I want him to come home! I want my daddy!”

I tried to swallow against the lump in my throat. I had no words for this little one. I had no hope or promises to offer. All I could do was hold her tightly to my chest and cry with her.

I closed my eyes and snuggled back against her headboard. She changed positions and threw herself over me, wrapping her arms around my neck. “I want my daddy!” she continued to wail. “I want him to come home to me!”

“
Shh
,” I sung against her forehead.
“
Shh
,
Luce
.”

“Mommy,
where is he
? Where did he go?”

“Lucy, you know where he went. You know this.”

She shook her head roughly against mine. “No.”

My sweet, sensitive Lucy.
She had waited for Grady to come back for so long. But she had turned five over the winter and with that little bit of added maturity, reality had settled in. It was like grieving all over again as she slowly accepted the truth that her daddy was gone forever.

She ended up in my bed most nights now. Sometimes she had these awful nightmares and sometimes she woke up already in tears. I hated that she had to go through this again. I hated that my little
Luce
had to come to understand that her daddy was gone forever.

“Tell me where your daddy is, Lucy Kate,” I coaxed.