The Fourth Sunrise (17 page)

I have to try to move one. Heck, it’s the 90s.

Christine, I can’t do it anymore. I am going to try to live a life that isn’t consumed by thoughts of you. I am going to give myself three years without you. I pray I can move on.

But if I can’t move on, I want you to meet me at Deltarado Days, three years from now, in 1999. I’m not sure if the world is going to end in 2000.

I hope I don’t see you. I hope one of us doesn’t show up. Honestly, I hope it is me. I hope that I can find the woman of my dreams who would be with me every single day and lie next to me every single night. This is my wish. But there is a chance it won’t happen and I’m asking you to do all it takes to go by yourself to the 1999 Deltarado Days fair on opening night.

If I still long for you on that day, I will show up. If you are still the love of my life, I will show up. If I still believe life played a cruel joke on me, that the woman who my heart most wanted to share a full life beside went off and married another man, I will show up.

The bottom line, I will show up if you’re still the one I live for. Again, I pray that I don’t show up.

For now, this is a goodbye. It is now in destiny’s hands.

With all my heart,

Joel Murphy

When Sharee finished reading the last word, she reached out her hand and held mine so tenderly.

“You are a beautiful man, Joel Murphy!”

I didn’t know how to respond to that. So I said, “Would you like to go inside? I completely understand if you have to go home.”

“No way. I need to find out what happened in the third meeting.”

“
Aw, the third meeting.”

“
So, there was a third meeting?”

“
What do you think?”

“
I didn’t know. That letter was pretty desperate.”

“
That letter was my salvation. It was the first I owned any decisions in regard to Christine.”

“
But you did show up?”

“
Of course I did. Initially, I hoped she wouldn’t show. Then days before the event, it became my biggest fear that she wouldn’t.”

“
She obviously showed.”

“
And I obviously went.”

Chapter Twenty-one

Sharee still sat in passenger seat with the precious letter in her lap. She looked at me and asked, “Did you at least try to find someone else?”

“I most certainly did. I don't know why, but no one else compared. I tried to let two different women get close to me. I had loved Christine for so long that it was where I took refuge. It was actually a safe place. I knew how to love her. With other women, I didn’t know where to begin. It was so natural, so easy, with Christine. I had to see her one more time. I just was praying she was going to show up.”

“
Did she show up?”

I was quiet and I just stared forward out the front windshield of my pickup truck. I had a rock hit my windshield on a road near Phoenix a year or two ago from a construction truck, one which left a miniature spider-web crack, smack in the middle of the windshield. It was out of the line of sight for the driver, but while I was worried about that crack, Sharee had asked me a question and I told her the answer: “Let’s go back inside the coffee shop. Of course, we both showed up.” We both got out of my truck and made our way back to the all night coffee shop.

We found my usual table and sat down. I ordered us two cups of Joe and continued my yarn.

July 1999 – Delta, Colorado - Deltarado Days, 8:00 p.m.

“I got to the fair a day before as I usually did, so I could get settled. In my mind, this time was going to be different. In my bag, I brought the returned letter with me. I owned the letter now because Christine had sent it back to me, a year to the date that I sent it to her. She told me it was too painful to own the letter. She couldn’t help but read it over and over again. And one year later, I looked in my mailbox—there was no return address, no name of who sent me in the letter. But inside was my letter and a little note that simply said, ‘It is just too painful having this in my possession.’

“
I knew in my heart when she sent me back the letter that she would be there at Deltarado Days, but I had still tried to find love somewhere else. It was just impossible when a woman had such a command of the deepest, most passionate parts of my heart.

“
I set the letter on the desk. I stood above it and just stared at the dark beauty of it. It was a love song as well as a love poem. I was pleading with her to let me go. But I still desired her to the point that if I could achieve my goals, I would need to see her. So here I was, and I did not achieve my goal to fall in love with someone else. Not even close.

“
I showered up and stared at newly fifty-year-old body and wasn’t that disappointed aside from some extra poundage in my belly. Every other part of me was the same size that it was in my ball-playing days. The muscles were not as tight, nor as strong.

“
I put on a pair of blue jeans and a white button-down shirt. I had bought some really nice gray shoes that finished the outfit off nicely.

“
It was time to go, so I made sure I had my keys and wallet and yes, I even had a cell phone in 1999.

“
So, I got in my truck and drove exactly .4 miles to the fair that was on the other side of the small town.

“
The fair always started on a Thursday night at 6:00 p.m. It was amazing what a Deltarado Days aficionado I had become.

“
I got to the fair a little after 8:00 p.m. as the sun began to go down. I had told Christine to meet me at the fair. I wasn’t specific, but you would think that she would only check three places. The softball-toss booth. Nope, she wasn’t there. The nurse’s station. Nope she wasn’t there. Or the place we really got to know each other, the picnic tables in front of the food booths. I made my way to the tables.

“
There were three women sitting at the far end of one table. At the far end on the other side was the image I had longed for these past seventeen years. She was wearing a beautiful blue and yellow sundress. She looked amazing. I stared at her as I walked towards her. It had been almost two decades since I’d last seen her.

“
I was once again taken aback. This woman was my refuge. This was just the third time in my life I had seen her. She was even more beautiful than I had ever remembered. Age only made her more feminine and beautiful. Her hair was dark black with streaks of gray. She was the vision of grace. She was the embodiment of class. I continued to approach. She saw me. She stood up and just stared at me. I walked toward her along the grass line. She stood still, just staring at me. Her face seemed unfamiliar at first, but then she did it. She looked at me in a way only she ever has: a longing, loving, gentle, hopeful stare that melted my heart every time I saw it.

“
As I walked up on her, she reached out to me. Her arms gripped my body tightly. It was obvious that she was really happy to see me. Then I swallowed her up with my arms and I swept her up in the air as if we were teenagers.

“‘
You came,’ she said. She repeated that statement three or four more times just gazing in my eyes.

“‘
I did,’ I wanted to kiss her so badly, but I resisted.

“
We both walked over to the benches and sat. ‘I am so excited you showed up.’ Christine squeezed my hand real hard. She must have thought there was a great chance I wouldn’t come.

“‘
I’m happy to see you,’ I said.

“‘
Joel, there were many times that I prayed that you would find the woman you had always hoped I’d be. I prayed that prayer for you every day for three years. Then about three months ago, I have to confess…the prayer changed.’ I looked at Christine and she began to look at me apologetically. ‘I was hoping to see you. I was selfish.’ Then her apologetic eyes became bold. ‘I didn’t care how it sounded. I needed to see you. I needed to hold you.’

“
I smiled at Christine as she took a long pause. ‘So my prayer was that you would show up. I didn’t want to think about anything other than being able to see you one more time.’

“‘
I was drawn here as if a supernatural force of my own creation had found me to do it against my will,’ I said jokingly.

‘“
So, you didn’t want to come?’ Christine asked

“‘
I didn’t have a choice. The stars were aligned. It would have thrown everything off.’

“
Christine looked at me and nodded. ‘I have never met anyone in my life who talks the way you do,” Christine said.

“‘
I’m sorry,’ I said.

“‘
Don’t be. It’s what I love most about you. The way you think and the way you talk to me. I just can’t believe you came—your letter scared me.’

“‘
The letter was necessary. I had to write it and I’m sorry that I put it out there, but it was the only thing that made sense to me at the time.’ I was being truthful about my own enthusiasm. The truth was, I didn’t know myself why I was here. I mean, I knew I was following my heart. I just didn’t know why my heart relentlessly forced me to have feeling beyond my own understanding for a married woman. One thing was for sure. I loved her more at this moment than I had ever loved in my life and my eyes showed it.

“‘
I feel it too, Joel,’ Christine said, reading me like a book. Let’s get out of here. I have a night planned out for you if you like.’

“‘
You planned a night out for me?’ I was surprised. She had never done anything like this before. The fact that she had made plans really was evident she believed I was indeed showing up and I would call her on it. ‘You said you are surprised to see me, but yet you still made plans?’ I asked.

“‘
I hoped you show. I didn’t know if you would. In my heart, I prepared it as if I knew a thousand percent that you’d be here, but I didn’t know for sure. This is why the stars have once again brought us together...this one was a tad manipulated by you,’ Christine teased. ‘I figured if you showed up, we’d have a good time but if you didn’t, that meant you met someone and you were moving on with your life.’

“‘
And you would be okay with that?’ I asked.

“‘
Joel, I would be the most selfish woman in the world if I didn’t wish love for you. I just…’ Christine stopped talking. She was choked up. ‘I just… never mind.’

“‘
No, please tell me,’ I said.

“‘
I feel like I’m the worst human being on Earth. Here I am with a family and husband and there is still a part of me that wishes you would still hold on to me. I feel awful, but it is sincerely how I feel.’

“‘
I like it that you feel that way. In a weird way, it makes me still yours. I’m not yours by any stretch of the imagination, but the belief that I’m alone probably allows you to have all the cake you want.’ I was half teasing and half getting a dig in.

“‘
I know I’m a horrible person.’

“‘
You’re not a horrible person,’ I said, laughing. ‘You are the furthest thing from it. You’re a fantastic person, an amazing, beautiful person…a woman who takes my breath away, more today than you did thirty years ago. So, what are these plans?’ I asked.

“‘
I was going to take you to my house.”

“‘
Your house?’ I asked.

“‘
Well, both my parents passed away ten years ago, and I own it. I rent it out to a couple. They happen to be on vacation. So, we have the house to ourselves. I told them I’d be here for the night.’

“‘
Just for the night!’ I asked, disappointed.

“‘
My husband is expecting me to meet him in Seattle by two o’clock tomorrow. He let me stop in at Deltarado Days by myself. That took a lot of convincing because he was once a hometown boy.’

“
I looked at Christine and said, ‘Let’s get the hell out of here.’

“
On our way out of the fair, I talked her into stopping in one of those photo booths that prints three photos and, though she hated to have her photo taken, I think she knew I needed a photo of us together. She immediately parted with one of them, which I tucked in my wallet for safekeeping.”

Chapter Twenty-two

“
This time, we took Christine’s car. I like sitting in the passenger seat when I’m unfamiliar with a section of town. Christine’s ranch was off to the side of town. It was still inside the city, but nowhere near downtown.

“
Christine pulled in front of an old house that was on a large piece of property. The house had a lot of character. In the back of the house was a stream where actual fish swam. At least, that is what Christine assured me. The house was single story, but very long. Probably had around six rooms. I never asked.