The Girl Code (14 page)
“Some men are like martinis: ice cold and very dry, but they think they're the best drink in the house because of the two olives they've got stuck on the end of their swizzle stick.”
—D.F.
TAINT
On the male body, the small space between the testicles and the anus, eloquently named by sophomoric men, because “it-ain't one and it-ain't the other.”
Good to Know Because:
All men are ticklish here, If you apply pressure to it, they will do anything you ask, The naming of it alone shows insight to what men discuss in locker rooms, It's a guy thing we shouldn't even know about.
As a Place:
“You're not ticklish? Yeah, what about your taint? Right…here!”
DUTCH OVEN
This is when you're in bed with a man and he farts under the covers. If you're dating a freshman, he may pull the covers over your head so you really get the full effect.
If You Allow This Behavior:
Expect it to become part of your foreplay, Accept the fact that you are a substitute for his little brother, Know that he will try other regression tactics on you, Get ready to watch your sex drive disappear.
As a Boundary to Maintain:
“Yeah, I find a Dutch oven funny, as funny as you not gettin’ any this week.”
C**K BLOCK
This is a term men use to describe anything that gets in the way of hooking up with a woman.
It Can Be:
His personal history or yours, His drinking or yours, His biological functions or yours,
But Most Often It's:
His friend or yours.
Don't Allow Him to:
Make this a pet name for your parents or best friend.
HEISMAN
This is a guy term used to describe when a woman keeps man at arms-length distance and denies him love or sex or whatever it is that he wants. The name comes from college football's Heisman Trophy, which features a player stiff-arming an imaginary opponent.
Don't Give Up This Status:
It means you have the ball in your court, He will run up and down that field all day trying to achieve his goal, This is the most effort you will ever get out of this guy, The best victories come after beating someone at his own game.
As Music to Your Ears:
“The chick's had me in a full Heisman all week, and she is one worthy opponent.”
SPINNER
This is a term used by men to describe a petite woman. The term implies that if the male were standing up during sex, this small woman could be spun around in circles without touching the floor. (Isn't that nice?)
Just When You Thought:
We had evolved from the apes, “Short people got no reason to live” was as mean as it gets, He asked you to wear those shoes because they made your legs look nice, You might have been too rough on an ex-boyfriend.
If It's Used in Your Presence:
“She may be a spinner, darling, but your penis would have to be a little bigger to achieve such acrobatics.”
BIRD DOG
A term that men use to describe other men who cheat. This is one to pay particular attention to, because if a man thinks another man is a dog to women, then he's really got to be pretty awful.
Keep in Mind:
Men are much bigger gossips than women, and they know the real story, Men who cheat blatantly enough to deserve the name are not candidates for rehabilitation, Men who use the term in reference to another might themselves be someone to consider, They might have used it just to get you to consider them.
To Spell It Out for You:
“A bird dog is not just a male slut, he's a slut who lies, cheats, and steals and is messy about it to boot.”
HALL PASS
This term is used by men to jeer a buddy who has a girl in his life. It implies that he who is involved has to check with his woman before going out with his friends, because she keeps his testicles in a lockbox and he needs permission to get them back.
Which in Turn Implies:
That his friends think he is a loser, That the woman is the evil schoolmarm who is afraid to let the boy out of the classroom, or Such a strong girl that her man's afraid he'll lose her if she's on her own for fifteen minutes.
If He Asks You for One Directly:
Tell him some people get detention so much because they ask for it.
“Like all young women, you greatly exaggerate the difference between one man and another.”
—GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
MEMBERS ONLY
There are men you will date who are still members of the “old boys’ school” and have their own codes of honor that they don't reveal to women. It doesn't necessarily mean that he's a bad guy, it just means that he's a guy's guy. So keep the following in mind…
A SPORTING MAN'S MOTIVATIONS
Men and sports evolve with age, and each stage has its own rules: High school guys play sports for their fathers’ approval as well as the cheerleaders, College men play sports for the free education, the parties, the camaraderie, and the cheerleaders, Postgraduate boys play sports to find friends, deny hair loss, do something with their anger at their boss, and prove to their girlfriends that they used to date cheerleaders.
COUCH JOCKS
Men who have retired from sports bond around the television and compete by commentating on sports. They earn points by second-guessing the announcer and getting ready to coach Little League, where they will avoid the cheerleaders they married and admire the ones they can no longer have.
LOCKER ROOM LOOKS
The only reason men believe women are worried about “size” is that men themselves are obsessed with it. Since their early days in school, men “size” one another up in locker rooms and worry over themselves whenever they get the chance. It's like women talking about weight: Don't get involved.
CREDENTIALS
Men judge one another by these three simple things: the watch on his wrist, the shoes on his feet, and the girl on his arm. (But before you get insulted, it's just like certain women in suburbia, who judge one another by the kind of car in the driveway, how big the house behind it is, and the sucker inside who bought it all for her.)
BOYS’ NIGHT OUT
Men have a drinking code that differs from ours. Try not to interfere with the following, as it's part of the whole “hunter/gatherer thing”: Never refuse a shot (or else be considered weak), If a guy or crew of guys buys a man a drink, he must buy at least the same number of drinks for them,
However,
picking up too many rounds in front of the other men's dates is wrongfully ostentatious (and in some places just cause for a punch in the mouth).
RAT PACKS
When mingling in the bar scene, men will have no respect for women who: Come right out and ask them to buy drinks, Swear, spit, or swallow more cocktails than they do, Wear clothing that is too small for their bodies—if they don't have the body to carry it,
Make passes at other men while their boyfriends are in the bathroom, without a warning that the boyfriends are coming back.
RELATIONSHIP ATTIRE
If a man asks you to wear a particular outfit when you're going out to meet his friends, know this is intended to signal to his friends his level of interest in you. Understand the rules and dress accordingly: Hat on backwards and jeans = a friend he's trying to seem casual about until he gets their approval.
