The Girl I Last Loved (5 page)

She was into her work and accepted when I was into mine.

It hadn’t been more than three months since we were dating when I asked her to move in with me.

It was perfect. No questions. No answers. No responsibilities. Still having everything you want.

I once noticed that she always wore semi-formal dresses when we were out.

When I asked, she replied, “I always stay prepared any time of the day lest any business lunch or meeting pops up.” Everything about her made me like her even more.

Round the year things changed… rather Divya changed.

She started getting up and preparing coffee before I got up.

Giving me surprises with decorating the house, planning Friday night outs.

Moreover she began returning from work earlier than me.

Whenever I had a free day, she cancelled all her meetings to be with me. Half of the items in her shopping comprised of male shirts, ties and colognes.

She sporadically dressed up in traditional attires to direct my attention to her.

I liked it all, but there was a fine line between liking and loving which I wasn’t able to cross. We were so comfortable together that I always thought if I should ever… ever decide to get married, Divya could be the girl.

Still I never told her, ‘I love you’ while meaning it. It was more like a ritual – you meet, you kiss, you say ‘I love you’. I once read it somewhere or probably she did, “If you love someone, you not only tell it in words, you say it with your eyes as well.”

I was never successful in getting that balance in my life.

I told Divya several times in words, lacking the truth in my eyes. I told Kasam several times through my eyes, though lacking the words to express them.

I know what I hadn’t given Divya if I think about what I would have given Kasam if she had been in her place instead.

There always comes a girl in one’s life for whom you won’t remain the same person you are.

You will see everything differently.

You will do things which you never thought you will ever do.

You will try to get better and better so as to be the best for her.

The girl who will make you want things you never wanted.

For whom you will get up early just to see her sleep; in memories of whom you will hum romantic tunes… because of whom you will feel nostalgic whenever it rains.

Plenty of other girls will still be beautiful but you will be blinded by her looks to notice anyone else.

It will be more interesting to watch her sip coffee than anything else.

Whom you would want to protect, to take away from everyone, to have her all to yourself.

For whom you would want to make things happen.

Nothing else will matter in your life if you have her…

…And everything else you have will cease to matter if she is not there.

If you have friends and you love them, then you go on to make new friends. You grow your love and start loving them as well. Same doesn’t apply to the girl you love. You can’t grow more love, neither can you transfer it from one person to another.

Why does it have to be so complicated?

Why did Divya love me?

Why can’t I love Divya back?

Why I loved Kasam?

Why can’t she love me back?

Why do I still cling on to Kasam? Divya – we were alike, we lived the same life, we liked the same things.

Divya noticed my indifference, but she never noticed how hard I tried to love her and yet I wasn’t able to.

Maybe every yin needs a yang, not another yin.

Chapter 5

“After studying for four years, spending such amount of money, I am stuck with this job which pays nothing and the saddest part is no growth rate at all,” my sister shouted at the top of her voice. She was an engineering graduate who didn’t land up a job she deserved, and we continuously had this conversation almost every day since she returned from college.

As usual, my two other sisters were supporting and consoling her while Dad was with his tea.

“What can we do now!? You will have to work,” my father uttered putting away his cup.

“So what Daddy, you can get her into some better job,” my other sister interrupted.

“How can they pay so less? I mean nobody will even believe that!” my sister added.

“Yes, parents would also think that the company is paying substantially well and their own child is lying. Then the father will go to the son and they will engage in a fight, resulting in an accident where the father slips from the stairs. Finally adding to the misery of son who will now have to pay for additional medical bills.” As my father finished, everyone started laughing.

“Daddy, it’s not something you can go on making a joke about,” my sister was annoyed.

“Beta,
why do you get so tense about everything? Situations will get better.”

“Yeah, then my project lead will go and ask me to make coffee for him!” My sister wasn’t listening at all to anyone else.

“Then don’t make it,” my Dad answered casually.

“I’ll get fired!” my sister fired back at him.

“Stuff sugar, coffee beans and milk in his mouth and then ask him politely to shake his body,” my father retorted with a hint of laughter in his voice.

My sister smiled at last and said, “I can’t do that.”

Everyone took a little time out of their giggles to ask her, “Why?”

“They will give me a certificate of misconduct.”

“Don’t go for taking,” my father uttered.

We all started laughing our heart out.

“Okay! We will discuss it later as I have to go and stop Akash’s bus.”

Dad left the room.

“I can’t help it. They will give me that certificate anyway,” my sister shouted from behind.

Dad walked back and continued his joke.

“Go there, take the certificate and ask, ‘Sir, is your name written over there’?” my father finally left.

At my home everybody gets up very early in the morning. As my Dad got up at 4:30, he made tea for himself and read chemistry books. Don’t assume he was chemistry professor. He read so as to teach my second sister who was doing chemistry honours. My mother didn’t qualify as much of a healthy person. So my father took care of most of the household chores. At around six, he used to switch off all the fans to prevent us from catching cold. Next, he opened all the windows to let the fresh breeze in. Then at six we all got up at the sound of his voice. I was the laziest one. It was impossible for me to go to sleep or even wake up early. So, every day I was late for my school bus which arrived at 6:20. That’s why Dad used to go early to the bus stop to stall it for me. There was a tea-stall nearby. Every morning he tempted the bus conductor to have tea on his treat while I used to catch up.

Today again the same routine followed.

As for my father, I can never find enough words to describe him. He isn’t only the provider of our family, he is the provider of our souls.

“Tell me,” Kasam was continuously flashing her fingers in front of my eyes.

“Have you changed your ring?” I acted confused.

“No, it’s the same. Something else…”

“Got it! Different nail colour?”

“Nope… how can you not see it?”

“What…?” I laughed in desperation.

“I have shaped my nails in a square manner.”

“What were they before?” My confusion increased.

“Earlier my nails were rounded.”

“Oh…yaa!” I made a learned expression.

She was looking at me with eyes full of expectations.

“They are fabulous! Your fingers never looked so good.”

“Yes I knew it!” she closed her fists and shook them.

However hard it was for me to understand her excitement, it was always a pleasure to watch her.

If it wouldn’t have been for her, I would’ve never known ‘the various ways in which girls shape their nails’.

“Do you wanna go out to take the print-outs for your assignment?” I questioned.

“Cool with me. I’ll wait for you after school,” she chuckled.

I scanned the playground. She was standing near the main-gate with Priya. I progressed towards her with frankie in one hand and my schoolbag that now slipped down the other arm.

As she was coming toward me, Kasam exchanged sides with Priya so as to be adjacent to me. I virtually dived in the air, punching my fist back and forth several times. She let her hair loose and clutched her hair clip to the strap of her bag.

“For you,” I handed her the frankie.

“I don’t eat from the canteen.”

“I noticed you didn’t bring lunch. So, I got this for you.”

“You don’t understand, I’m allergic to…”

“I asked him ‘not to add capsicum’,” I added, softly cutting her out.

Her lips stretched into a smile as she quickly grabbed the frankie.

“Let’s get going, I need to be home early,” Kasam uttered with her mouth full.

“Priya, you coming?” I asked wishing for her to not come.

“You two carry on. I have a movie to attend,” she left us alone.

We walked in slow steps to reach the main road.

“Why are you rubbing your forehead now and then?” I was concerned.

“I went for threading yesterday and that bitch of a beautician attacked me!”

I wasn’t able to control my laughter – not because of what happened but because of Kasam’s animation.

“You are a bad… bad… boy,” she faked anger.

“Didn’t they apply powder or something?” I questioned.

Her face lighted up.

“How do you know they apply powder?” Excitement in her tone was apparent.

“Ehh… ehh…,” I acted sheepish.

“Akash Kashyap, I am not letting you go away with this!”

“It’s nothing, when I was a kid my Mom used to take me to the parlour along with her. That’s why.”

“Ohooo! That’s why,” she said, rounding her lips.

I stuffed my hands in my pockets, lowered my head and started walking with a smile.

I hope I was looking cool.

We reached the auto stand. We both settled at the back.

“
Bhaiya
, come in front and leave the back seat for ladies,” the autodriver shrieked. My smile disappeared.

“Bhai
ya, come in front.”

I looked at Kasam. She teased me by indicating with her hands to go in front.

Forced to sit in front, I kept on turning back every now and then.

“
Bhaiya
, sit properly. I am having problem driving,” he opened his mouth again.

I felt like killing him.

I turned in front, hugged my bag and sulked. I felt Kasam’s hand over my shoulder.

I turned a little as she directed me with her finger and I looked straight, following her lead.

Oh Ghosh! I could see her in my side mirror.

She bent her head to a side and smiled. I was taken to heaven. My lips parted in awe.

Oh ghosh again! I can see her – that means even she can see me. I immediately closed my mouth. She giggled.

I kept staring at her.

‘What will she think?’

I looked ahead at the road.

‘Is she looking at me?’

I looked back.