The Girl in My Dreams (14 page)

“I’ll miss you,” she said.

“I’ll miss you even more,” I replied.

She leaned in and kissed me. I tasted the fruity punch on her lips before leaning back a little and kissing her forehead. She smiled, closing her eyes like she always did. I texted Martin, and he and Kara came over.

“Please text me when you get back,” I said.

“I will, I promise,” she said.

“I love you,” I said.

“And I love you, more than you know. I’ll talk to you soon, I promise,” she said.

I looked at her one last time for the night, then turned around and left with Martin and Kara. I knew she wouldn’t get into any trouble. She was too good of a girl and girlfriend to do that, but I still hated leaving her alone. Anything could happen, and I wouldn’t be there to protect her.

She’d be all right, though. I knew it.

I woke up groggily around eight in the morning after I’d stayed up later than usual to wait for a text from Belle. I grabbed my phone and saw nothing there in terms of a text, an e-mail, or anything else from her. She must’ve just forgotten or gotten home too late to want to bother me. I had to admit I only stayed up until around eleven, so I likely would’ve missed her anyway.

I sat up on the edge of my bed and yawned before stretching and wiping the eye boogers and crust that had formed overnight. With my blinds cracked open a little, I could see the snow still falling, likely giving us a snow day on Monday. I wasn’t too averse to the idea. It would be nice to go sledding or be silly with Belle.

I got up and used the bathroom before hearing movement downstairs. I walked down the stairs, the wooden floors cold underneath my bare feet, before walking into the kitchen and seeing a strange sight.

My mother, Dr. Grier, and a police officer were sitting around the kitchen table, drinking coffee and talking softly. They stopped when I walked in, as if I’d startled them. My mother stood up nervously as billows of steam rose from her mug.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

I didn’t think I’d done anything wrong, at least not anything to warrant Dr. Grier or the police making a house call. I came home on time, I didn’t get in any trouble at the dance, and overall things were good.

“Theo,” my mother said, her voice cracking.

They all looked solemn and even Dr. Grier, who always had something to say to me, bowed her head as if she didn’t even want to look at me.

“What?” I asked, grabbing onto the counter as I tried to make sense of what was happening.

“I’m afraid . . . I’m afraid that I have some bad news, honey. Would you like to sit down?” my mother asked.

“I’m fine here,” I said.

“Theo, it might be best—” Dr. Grier said.

“I said I’m fine here. If you’re thinking of playing a joke on me, you better quit it now,” I said in a stern voice.

My mother began to cry uncontrollably and sat down and buried her face in her hands. I could feel my face becoming unbearably warm as my breathing grew shallow, and I tapped my foot against the kitchen floor. What in the hell was going on? I wanted answers, and I wanted them now.

“Theo, it’s Belle. Something happened last night after she left the dance,” Dr. Grier said softly.

“What is it? Where is she? Is she at the hospital? Why are we still here?” I asked and started walking briskly toward the living room.

“Theo, wait,” Dr. Grier said.

I stopped in my tracks, my heart beating a mile a minute, and turned around and looked at her.

“Don’t say it,” I said.

“Theo, she’s—”

“No! Don’t you dare even joke about that! I swear to god if you say that then there’s no coming back from it. You can’t toy with people like this!” I screamed as tears began to roll down my unbearably warm cheeks.

Dr. Grier pursed her lips and looked down, a tear rolling down her own cheek, as I gripped the trim of the doorway as hard as I could just to keep myself upright. My knuckles turned white, cramping up more than they ever had before, but I didn’t care at all.

“She was in a car accident last night, Theo. The driver had a little to drink at the dance, and unfortunately he lost control of the car and drove into a tree. I’m sorry, son, but she didn’t make it,” the police officer said.

I stood there staring at him, feeling as if my soul and my entire meaning to live was just sucked out of me. I didn’t know how to process this. How could I process this? I felt every bad emotion boil up inside me, from anger to fear to despair to an intense rage darker and scarier than anything I’d ever faced before. It all bottled up inside me, building until it exploded.

I balled up my right fist as tightly as I could as tears blurred my vision and made it impossible to see. I pulled my fist back, almost in slow motion, before letting it go and smashing it into the wall. It broke through the drywall, crushing it all around, and I hit something hard and heard my bones crack under the immense pressure. My head shot back, my eyes widening, as a surge of electrical impulses flooded my brain and caused me to scream in pain.

“Theo!” my mother yelled as she ran over to me.

“No!” I yelled, running past her, my hand hanging there limp. I couldn’t move some of my fingers.

I ran outside, into the snowstorm, my feet quickly growing numb from the snow and ice. I ran into the yard, to our spot, and looked through the barrage of white to see about a thousand cars in her driveway, including news crews. This couldn’t be true. I must still be dreaming. I had to wake up from this nightmare.

I fell into the snow, my cries likely audible from space, as the pain from my hand drifted away and the pain of my heart stayed firmly where it was. I wasn’t dreaming, was I? She was gone.

•••

“That’s quite a break you caused,” the doctor said as I sat on a hospital bed and had my hand inspected.

I didn’t say a word, instead staring forward at the curtain. I felt dead inside, like my life was ripped away from me, and at this point, I didn’t care about anything. I knew I shouldn’t have let her go with her friends. I should have been possessive and let her get mad at me for a day or two and still have her than let her go.

“Tough room,” the doctor said, writing something down on my chart.

“Will he be okay?” my mother asked.

“Yeah, he’ll be fine. We just need to get him in a cast and give him a few months to heal. I don’t foresee any real problems from this,” he said.

“Have you talked to Paul and Leah?” I asked my mother after the doctor left the room.

“Briefly this morning,” she said.

“What did they say?” I asked.

“They were the ones who told me about the accident. I believe they’re making funeral arrangements for her,” she said.

“I don’t know if I can go,” I said.

“To the funeral?” she asked, surprised.

“Yes,” I replied curtly.

“You have to go,” she said.

“And what, see her lifeless body lying there in a casket? See the one person I’ll ever love dead? Knowing that I could’ve saved her from all this, but I didn’t?” I asked, tears starting to bubble up in the corners of my eyes.

“You need to go because you did love her, Theo. When you love somebody, especially when you’re
in
love with them, sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do. I know you don’t want to see her lying there—I don’t either—but you can’t let her be buried without saying good-bye to her, Theo. I won’t allow it. I know you’ll regret it for the rest of your life,” she said.

“I could’ve stopped it, Mom,” I said, closing my eyes hard as tears escaped the tight seal.

“You had no way of knowing this would happen, Theo. No way,” she said, pulling me into a hug. I buried my face in her shoulder and sobbed like I never had before.

“I should’ve stopped her. I should’ve said no,” I said as my nose got so clogged up I had to breathe through my mouth.

“You can’t do this to yourself, Theo. You can’t beat yourself up for this. Nobody knew that the driver would be drinking and that he’d crash the car. You had no way of knowing that, and neither did she or the other people in the car before they got in,” she said.

“How many other people were in the car?” I asked.

“I believe it was the driver, Belle, and three others,” she said.

“And they all died?” I asked.

“No,” she said, pausing.

“Who survived?” I asked, looking at her.

“The driver,” she said softly.

“What?”
I asked, my eyebrows furrowing.

“I’m sorry,” she said.

“Who was it? I want to know,” I said.

“They didn’t release his name because he’s a minor. I don’t know who it was,” she said.

My body must’ve hated me for the roller coaster of emotions I’d been sending it through. I could feel my muscles tense up as I ground my teeth and tried to make sense of it all. How could the driver, the one drinking and killing everyone else, survive? How could he even live with himself knowing that he caused everyone else to die yet he was able to just walk away and live out his life and dreams? He’d be able to have a career, a family, a spouse, and everything else that the other people in that car should’ve had. I knew I was beyond angry, but he should’ve been the only one to die instead of the only one to live. I wanted to know his name. I wanted it more than anything.

“You really should rest, Theo. They’re going to work on your cast here in a bit, so please just get some rest and try to stay calm,” she said.

I sat in the bed for the remainder of the time. All I thought about was Belle. I took out my phone, bypassed all of text messages I’d received so far, and opened my photos app. The last photo I had of us was before the formal. The one picture I didn’t really even want to take was the final one of us together. I locked the image, making sure it could never be erased, and I even went so far to upload it to the cloud and e-mail it to myself.

I love you, Belle, more than you’ll ever know. I just wish I could tell you one last time.

All I had for the next couple of days was water and crackers.

I couldn’t get myself to eat any more, even though my body was aching for nourishment. I was physically hungry, hearing my stomach growl at every chance it could, but I had no appetite, and I only ate the crackers because I knew I should.

The funeral was supposed to be tomorrow, and all I could think about when I closed my eyes was her body laying there, and I hadn’t even seen it yet. What was it going to be like? I knew I wasn’t going to be able to keep myself composed. I had support, but there was only so much support people could give, considering most of them were mourning as well.

There was a knock at my door as I sat up in bed with my back against the headboard.

“Come in,” I said.

The door opened, and I looked up in shock. It was my father.

“Hello, Theo. I heard about what happened. Are you okay?” he asked, coming over to sit on the side of my bed.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, with anger.

“Your mother told me about Belle. I came as soon as I could get on a plane,” he said.

“So it takes the death of my girlfriend to make you want to see me?” I asked.

“I know you’re mad at a lot of things right now, including me, but I’m here, and I want to make sure you’ll be okay,” he said.

“I’ll be fine,” I said, turning my head in the other direction.

“If you need me, I’ll be here,” he said, placing his hand on my knee for a moment before getting up.

“Dad,” I said, as he was about to leave.

He turned around as my eyes filled up with tears. I could feel the vein in my forehead pushing out as I held my breath and tensed up.

“Why did she have to go?” I asked.

He walked back over to the bed, wrapped his arms around me, and as I buried my face in his chest, letting out a thousand tears, he told me everything was going to be okay and it would get better.

•••

There were more people at the funeral home than I’d seen in my lifetime. Old people, young people, and everybody in between were there to pay their respects to Belle and to her family. My mom told me they were doing a visitation now and then a funeral later in the day. That meant I’d have to live through this hell twice.

Some eyes locked onto me as I walked into the church with my mother and father. I could see their empathetic stares as older women put their hands to their mouths, and some people gave a generic sad look like they were sorry for me.

I got in the line, which was about twenty people long. My mother said we could cut ahead, but I refused. I didn’t know why I did, maybe to give myself more time, or maybe to torture myself even more than I had already. Either way, we waited as one by one the mourners spoke to Paul and Leah, went up to the casket, and then walked away.

I could feel my hands getting clammy as we got nearer and only one person was in front of us. She went, saying hello and giving her condolences to Paul and Leah before she walked away, and they looked forward again to see me standing there.

I could see the emptiness in their eyes. Paul looked like he hadn’t slept in months, and Leah was put together but almost absent in a way, as if somebody else had gotten her ready for the day.

Leah grabbed me, embracing me with all her might, and Paul wrapped his arms around us both. I began to weep, not only for myself, but for them, as I wondered if they’d been hit hardest.

“I’m so sorry,” I said.

They hugged me tighter.

“This is all my fault,” I said between cries.

“You listen to me, Theo. None of this is your fault, okay?” Paul asked as he pulled back and looked at me.

“I could’ve stopped her from going to the party. She wanted me to go, but I just wanted to go home. I could’ve made her come home with me, but I didn’t,” I said with tears streaming down my cheeks.

“You need to know that this isn’t your fault. She wanted to go to the party, and you had no way of knowing this would happen, Theo. Do you hear me? There was no way for you to know,” Paul said.

“I’m not sure I can accept that, sir,” I said. “I lost the love of my life, and I’m not sure there’s any way I’ll ever be able to not blame myself.”