Authors: Jonathan Gash
'Too right, Lovejoy. The signora also
came to agreement with us."
"Come and see the kitchen!"
Gerry cried excitedly. I trailed dejectedly after.
"How do you know I won't
cheat?"
"A video film record will be made
of every single antique. By a special film unit. We arranged it with Miss Nancy
Waterson."
"She too is a very beautiful,
attractive lady." The police sergeant's voice was huskier.
'True," Keith said, staring into
the distance while I tried to look ecstatic at Gerry's kitchen design. "We
chose her because Signora Norman once engaged her also previously for making
her private advertising movies showing what stolen antiques she expected to
have on sale.'
"And, erm, where'll Nancy be, erm,
based?"
"Oh, around," Keith said.
"And I want no criticism from her
about the bathroom tiles," Gerry warned. "I sweated blood over those.
Come and see."
We trooped after him. He extolled the
hallway and the special windows on the way.
"Great," I echoed morosely
into the bathroom.
"
Not
avocado, note," Gerry said proudly. "I hate that
color."
"And how long's this arrangement
to last?"
"Six months in the first instance,
Lovejoy. Renewable."
"That's a sentence." I was
sussing out the grounds. I was trapped in a bloody fortress.
"True." Keith nodded to
Gerry, pleased. "I think he likes it, Gerry."
"Do you think so, dear?"
"And Signorina Cosima," Keith
added as we plodded after Gerry, who had squeakily decided we were to inspect
the bedrooms next. "She'll be here."
"
Eh
?"
"A very beautiful, attractive
lady," from the sergeant in a husky moan.
"Well." Keith shrugged,
"We have to keep an eye on you both. Why not together? After all you
were—"
"And we do approve of her,"
Gerry reminded us all. "Not like that bossy cow who just arrived."
I was getting a headache. "Erm.
Look, lads. That makes, er, four."
"You asked us to cable her,"
Gerry said through pursed lips. "When you wanted all those lawyers and
thought you were going to jail."
"Connie? Here?"
In Venice. She can visit you each
evening.' A very beautiful, attractive . . ." The sergeant moaned.
Forty miles. Bloody hell. Lavinia over
the hill, thinking me hers alone. Nancy was nearby with a camera she would
doubtless brain me with. And Cosima here in the villa frying up spaghetti
pasties. With Connie who'd strangle me for just glancing at any of the others.
"Now the garden!" Gerry
trilled, eyeing me keenly. "This way! You're falling for it, aren't you,
Lovejoy?"
Dear God. I'd not survive a day. How
the hell do I get in these bloody messes? My heart was banging at the battles
to come.
"What a good idea!" I cried,
following Gerry. "Yes. Let's see what sort of plants you selected!"
Gerry went ahead, anxiously watching my
face as he listed the wretched fronds in the ground. I alternately frowned and
beamed to keep Gerry on edge, and we walked along the perimeter path.
Between fleeting changes of expression
my eyes roamed the surrounding countryside. A road ran along the nearby slope,
and a path led up from the edge about two furlongs from the villa's tennis
court.
"And these fuchsias,
Lovejoy."
"Lovely, Gerry."
"I
knew
you
would
love
them!" Gerry cried, calling the splendid news to Keith, who was watching
me with narrowed eyes. The sergeant was lost in secret raptures.
"And over by the pool?" I
prompted.
"Yes, well, lace-cap hydrangeas
have such a riot of blues I almost went out of my tiny little mind."
"A beautiful blue," I said,
pausing. "Chrysanthemums?" If I could nick an antique piecemeal, and
conceal it bit by bit near this perimeter fence, I might be able to get over
the wire one dark night, and lam up that path—but there was a police patrolman
having a smoke on his motorbike up there. Hellfire.
"Pansies, Lovejoy?" Keith
explained sardonically, suspicious swine.
I smiled. "I just had to stop. My
favorites."
"
Are
they, Lovejoy?" Gerry gushed. "Oh, thank
heavens
we decided to put some in that
border!"
'They grow well, don't they,
Lovejoy?" Keith was still watching me.
"Great."
"Especially since the wire fence
carries an electric current."
Gerry saw my face. "Positively
no
harm to your flowers, Lovejoy, dear.
We've been into all that." Gerry gave Keith a sharp glance. "Don't
you start worrying Lovejoy, Keithie, there's a dear."
"A car!" The police sergeant
brightened. A red Acclaim was bowling over the hill, the way we'd come.
"Two." A second car hove in
sight.
"Your friends, Lovejoy,"
Keith said. "Here they come. All your little helpers."
"Er, great," I said in panic,
thinking. Now if I could nick a tin opener from the kitchen, I could maybe use
it to fuse that frigging wire fence while the cop is mesmerized by the birds.
"We'll be off, then." Keith
and Gerry moved.
"Erm, look, erm," I tried.
"Any chance of a deal?"
"Aren't you going to go down and
say hello?" Keith said innocently.
"Not yet. I'll stay here a
minute." Maybe Earth would collide with Saturn or something.
Gerry's eyes filled. "With his
pansies! Oh, how sweet!"
I could have trampled the bloody
things. In a desperate sweat I was working out: Now if I got Cosima or maybe
Connie to sunbathe one day, then while the cops were mesmerized I could nick
one of the antiques and cut the current and steal out. . .
"And the patrol police are on four
sides, Lovejoy," Keith called from the gate. "Give them a wave now
and then. To show you're still here. 'Byeee."
I could almost swear the bastard was
still suspicious of me. Why is there no trust in the world anymore? Why is it
that we trustworthy honest folk always come a cropper and everybody else gets
away scot free? There's something wrong somewhere.
A car pulled up and a motor cut.
"Lovejoy! Darling!"
"Hello, love." Smiling, I
quickly developed a limp and went to embrace Cosima while the second car came
nearer and nearer. She looked well and beautiful. "Look," I whispered
to her. "Can I go and lie down, sweetheart? And be left strictly alone?
Only, I've had an absolutely terrible time since I saved your life in that
lagoon."