She smiled and squirmed against him. “Ahh, I see you’re up, too.”
“Mmmm. Barely. But if you keep wiggling like that for another ten seconds—”
“I have to wait that long? I’d think after your hiatus, you wouldn’t even need me to move.”
“What can I say? I’m not as young as I once was.” He rolled them both onto their sides and stared into her eyes. “How long do you plan to make me wait, Sammy?”
“I’m ready right now.” She smirked. “
You’re
the one who needs another ten seconds.”
“I’m not talking about sex” Nick frowned. “When do you plan to tell me if Chase and you are, uhh....”
“Lovers?”
He nodded. “You have no idea how crazy it makes me when I think of him—”
“Believe me, you made that quite evident. Are you totally sure you want to know?”
“No. But I
need
to know, so I can stop wondering and come to terms with it”
If she really wanted to torture him, she would wait until morning to tell him he was the only one for her. But she couldn’t be that cruel. “You have nothing to worry about, Nicky. You’re the only man I’ve ever wanted.”
His entire body slumped with relief, but then a split second later, his shoulders tensed again. “But you were
considering
sleeping with Adam, and so you’re still on the pill, right?”
“Of course not.” Why would she pump herself full of hormones if she had no intention of having sex?
“Which are you saying no about? That you weren’t planning to get together with Chase? Or you’re not on the pill?”
“Both.”
His eyes closed for several interminable seconds before he opened them again. “I
trusted
you, Sam. How could you not tell me we needed to use protection?”
“Why would I?” She shoved herself away from him. “You’d just told me you haven’t been with anyone but me. Besides, I was on birth control while we were married, and you still used condoms. If you were so worried about it, why didn’t you simply ask?”
“Because I wasn’t thinking very clearly with your mouth on my—”
“Oh, and I was?” Before now, she’d never understood the intense exhilaration Nick had experienced in teasing her. But seeing him become so excited and desperate for her tonight had aroused her like no amount of foreplay ever had or ever could.
“I haven’t a clue where your head was at.”
“Really?” She frowned, sitting up. “I find that odd after discovering how much self-control you had to exert, making me beg all those years.”
He couldn’t have possibly wanted her any less than she’d wanted him.
“Okay, so I guess I do know how you felt. Just tell me this—when was the last time you got your period?”
She gnawed on her lip and thought back over the last month. “I’m not sure.”
His eyes closed. “Great.”
“Oh, come on, Nick. I don’t conceive that easily. Do you remember after my miscarriage how many years we had sex morning, noon, and night without success?”
“Yeah, but that was when we
wanted
a baby. How about when impregnating you was the last thing on my wish list—like, say, the night we conceived Dani?”
“How can you regret that? If I hadn’t gotten pregnant, we wouldn’t have her now.”
“Damn it, that’s not what I meant. Of course I don’t regret having her.” He pushed himself up on the mattress so he was also sitting. “I’m simply saying the perversity of the universe tends to reign in instances like this. You know, Murphy’s Law?”
“I’ll be sure to start knitting a pair of booties.”
“Look.” He raised his hands. “There’s a simple solution. Tomorrow morning, we’ll get the morning after pill for you.”
“Forget it. I won’t take it.” She flinched at another crash of thunder.
“Sam, you
have
to.”
“Like hell I do. I want another child, even if you don’t. What do you think Father Rossi would say if he heard you wanted to keep me from becoming pregnant?”
“I don’t give a damn what the Church says about this. I’d have ten kids if I were—”
“—married to someone who isn’t so deficient?” she finished for him.
He stared at her as if she’d slapped him. “
Querida
, you have to know I don’t feel that way.”
“Do I? When I told you I was pregnant with Dani, you insisted that for a Latino man, a baby is never a bad thing. You said children are a gift from God, and you wanted half a dozen kids.”
“I did. I mean I do. And I would be willing to have another child if I were sure you and the baby would be safe.”
“No one
ever
gets a hundred percent guarantee, Nick. You’re paranoid.”
“I am not. You know what the doctor said.”
She’d been told that after factoring in her pregnancy induced hypertension with Dani and her development of HELLP syndrome—a rare liver complication during pregnancy that accompanied full-blown eclampsia—with Michael, she had between a one and twenty percent chance of reoccurrence in a subsequent pregnancy.
“Please don’t think I’ve ever blamed you for being unable—”
“I
am
able!" she shouted. “Dr. Brennan also told us that with careful monitoring, my chances of delivering safely are extremely good. There’s
always
a slight risk for any woman during pregnancy, and even if I fall into the twenty percent who develops HEELP again, if Dr. Brennan is watching for it, the likelihood of me dying is very low. So if I'm fortunate enough to have gotten pregnant tonight, I'm having my baby.”
“You want to talk odds and probability? Don’t you see how lousy our chances are to conceive a potential match for Dani? Why take
any
risk for only a one-in-four chance on a maybe.”
“I don’t care. I would sacrifice my life if I could give Dani the umbilical stem cells she might need someday. But the bottom line is, she’s not the only reason I want another baby.”
“Then let’s adopt. Or we could consider using a surrogate.”
“Why should we when I’m perfectly capable of carrying my own child?” She spread her arms, searching for a way to explain her deep yearning. “Can’t you understand how much I love being a mother? Or how much joy I got from carrying a new life inside me. I’ve wanted another baby ever since I potty-trained Dani—long before she ever developed leukemia.”
“Believe me, if anyone knows that, I do.” He released a humorless snort. “
I
was the one breaking the land speed record to get home because you were ovulating.
I
was the one who had to listen to you sob your heart out two weeks later. And
I
was the one racing to the drugstore for tampons because you believed keeping them in the house demonstrated a lack of faith.”
“Then you understand how much I want this. Don’t you see? If we conceive a match for Dani, then it’ll be a double blessing. We’ll have another child to love, and Dani will have some peace of mind about her future. I want your baby, Nick. And I’m willing to face the small risk of another pregnancy to have him.”
“Well, I'm not! Because I was
also
the one who had to pick out a casket for our son after you nearly died giving birth to him.” He stared at her silently shaking his head and eventually continued in a broken voice, “I can't handle losing another child or the guilt if something happens to you. If you refuse to take the morning after pill and become pregnant, you'll do it without my approval. I won't take responsibility for killing you.”
It had been less than a month since his return, and already they were right back where they'd left off before their marriage ended—with Nick’s paranoia and inability to compromise driving a wedge between them.
“Thank you very much, Nick. I’d almost forgotten why I divorced you.” She yanked the comforter off of him and wound it around herself as she stood, which left him sitting in the middle of the sofa bed, stark naked. “I’m thinking I should go upstairs and put Adam’s ring back on. At least he’s willing to give me more children.” She took two steps from the sofa bed, and the sound of a key turning in the front door’s lock made her freeze in her tracks. “Ohmigosh! Dani must’ve come home.”
Nick yanked one of the pillows over his man parts as the door swung open. Ryan strode into the foyer, soaking wet with his arm around their daughter.
Dani glanced down at Sam’s panties lying on the floor at the entrance to the living room and then over at her naked father shielding his privates. “Oh, jeez.” She rolled her eyes at Ryan. “I guess they’re talking to each other again.”
The boy turned a deep shade of pink, clearly aware a lot more than conversation had been going on.
“What’re you doing here?” A hot flush seeped through Sam’s body as she pulled the blanket tighter around herself. “You were supposed to be staying at Haley’s. And what’re you doing out with Ryan at this time of night?”
“Dani’s sick,” Ryan explained, making the answers to all of Sam’s questions unimportant. “She’s got a fever, and her throat’s sore.”
“Oh, God, no.” Sam rushed into the foyer and pressed her lips to her daughter’s face, which was indeed on fire. She glanced over at Nick discreetly trying to collect his clothing without exposing himself. “What if she’s fallen out of remission?”
“She could simply have a virus or something,” he said, picking up his jeans and polo shirt. “Don’t buy trouble before it goes on sale. I’ll go call Dr. Chase.” He backed his way into the dining room with his clothing, heading toward the kitchen phone.
“At his home number, not the one for his answering service,” she yelled after him. “It’s in the little white book by the phone.” In the meantime, she could only pray Dani had caught something minor.
Sam hugged her little girl, clenching her fists to suppress the powerful urge to follow Nick and beat on him. It took twice that self-restraint not to remind him that a second child of theirs might die because he’d refused to have another baby.
No doubt, Nick would be blaming himself enough for both of them. So for once, she didn’t want or need the last word.
~*~
There was nothing like being forced to eat a serving of crow on top of a super-sized helping of terror to nauseate a man. Nick’s hand trembled as he punched out Adam’s number. Mercifully, it only rang twice before the hematologist answered with a sleepy, “Dr. Chase.”
“Adam, it’s Nick Riverá.” He hugged the phone to his shoulder while he pulled on his underwear and jeans. “I’m sorry to wake you.”
“If you’re looking for Samantha—”
“No. Look, I won’t blame you if you tell me to go to hell, but I hope for my daughter’s sake you won’t. Dani’s running a fever and has a sore throat.”
“Thanks. It’s nice to hear you have such a high opinion of my professionalism.”
“Damn. I’m not apologizing very well, am I?”
“No, you’re not. But that’s immaterial. The only thing I’m concerned with is your daughter’s health.”
“Thank you. Please believe me. I’m really sorry I acted like such an ass. You didn’t deserve that. But I love Sam, and I—”
“Try convincing her of that. As for the apology, forget about it. In your shoes, I’d probably be an even bigger jerk.”
Nick would have willingly groveled if Chase hadn’t been so gracious. The man was one of the best doctors in his field. If anyone could help Dani, he could.
After hanging up the phone, Nick pulled on his polo shirt and returned to the living room. Samantha had gone upstairs to get dressed. He found Ryan sitting in the armchair with Dani in his lap, rocking her. The boy looked terrified.
“Thanks for taking care of her, Ryan. You should go home and get some sleep.”
“No.” The kid shook his head, adamantly refusing. “I want to stay with her. I promised.”
“What did Adam say?” Sam asked as she descended the front staircase wearing jeans and a T-shirt from the Billy Joel and Elton John concert they’d attended a few years ago.
“He’ll meet us at the ER to run some tests.”
Dani moaned. “Not another bone marrow.”
“Shhh....it’s gonna be okay, Angel,” Ryan comforted.
“That’s easy for you to say. You don’t know how much it hurts.”
“No, I don’t,” the boy admitted. “But I know you can handle whatever you have to, and I’ll help you.”
Nick glanced at Sam and picked up his discarded socks from the living room floor. “I guess Ryan’s going to the hospital with us.”
“You should call home, so your sister and Bethany don’t worry,” Dani suggested.
Ryan dug his cell phone out of his pocket and made the call while Nick and Sam each put on their socks and sneakers. When they were ready to leave, the boy stood with Dani in his arms.
“I can walk, Ry. I’m not an invalid.”
“Sorry.” He set her on her feet and grabbed her shoulders to steady her.
“I’ll pull the SUV up to the front porch so the three of you won’t get wet,” Nick told Sam whose frightened gaze said she would never forgive him if anything happened to their daughter. What Sam didn’t realize was her forgiveness would be the least of his worries. He didn’t need her to remind him that if he’d had even a fraction of her courage, they might not be in this situation.
She had no idea how he’d struggled with deciding between risking her life to have another child or putting Dani’s survival in jeopardy. The choice between the life of his wife or child was a decision no man should ever have to make.
Sure, Sam could’ve had an uneventful pregnancy that might have resulted in the match it now looked like Dani might need. At the same time, there’d been no guarantee a sibling would be a potential donor for her. Michael hadn’t been. Dani had been in remission and there’d been a good chance she would never need a transplant. If he’d given in to Sam’s pleading, he could’ve easily lost her.
If only he’d had a crystal ball back then to guide him. Instead, he’d allowed his fear to decide and destroy his marriage. At least when they’d lost their son, nothing could’ve prevented his death. However, now, if their little girl died, Nick would have only his cowardice to blame.
~*~
The windshield wipers slapped back and forth while Sam huddled against the front passenger door, trembling. There would have to be a storm tonight of all nights.