The Green Red Green

W
e wanted to come out with a new book but were unable to find a formula that accommodated the time frame set by the publisher, given the fundamental inertness of the author. So instead, we are coming out with this old book in a new form. Every man knows it’s easier to support your wife’s cosmetic surgery than it is to find someone more attractive.

In truth, this is actually a combination of three of our old books with the odd new word or punctuation mark thrown in, just to keep you on your toes, and also to qualify us for government subsidies. You’ll be pleased to know that we’ve done a lot of editing to get rid of the bad, boring stuff, so as you’re reading it, I hope you’ll appreciate that it’s way better than it could have been.

Of course, whenever you remove inadequacies, you run the risk of making the good stuff look worse without the crap there to lower the average. But that’s all just part of the precarious nature of being in the publishing business—which doesn’t concern me, as I was given a healthy advance.

In any case, our intent was to go back to the abandoned mines of our old books and see if we could find enough nuggets to fill a new book which would allow our actions and attitudes to compromise yet another generation. I think we’ve succeeded, but only time will tell.

We hope you enjoy this book, but then again, we’re also hoping for world peace.

Red Green

The following were all in the drawers of the table I sat at when I wrote this book.

I
have this theory that the human brain is a muscle rather than an organ. And as a muscle, it gets stronger with use and, conversely, atrophies through idleness. People who don’t do any thinking in their lives as a way of keeping their brain fresh for old age are seriously misinformed. You’re much better off using your brain as often as possible. Even once or twice a day if you can manage it.

And of course, choosing what to use your brain on is very important. You don’t want to waste your time on things that are irrelevant or boring or beyond your comprehension. For most of us, abstract mathematics or nuclear physics is a complete waste of time. I recommend that you become a handyman. The mental agility required first to diagnose why the refrigerator isn’t working and then to acquire the correct part, remove the old one without breaking everything around it, and install the new one is fantastic exercise. And that’s not to mention what pinching your thumb in the door hinge does for your language skills. Then there’s the whole creative challenge of explaining to your wife that the refrigerator couldn’t be fixed so you threw it out but thank goodness you didn’t waste money by bringing in a professional repairman.

These are the kinds of skills that will keep your mind agile well into old age. Plus you’ll have a lot more free time because your wife will refrain from telling you when something needs fixing.

I
want to try to help all you ladies understand the things we men do. For example, the way we fix things with duct tape. Like, say, the mirror that fell off the car.

Now, I know a lot of you would take the car into a garage and have it fixed properly and looking good an hour and sixty bucks later. Whereas your handyman does it in ten minutes with about seven cents’ worth of duct tape and it is some kind of ugly. But let’s go behind the actions and try to examine the reasoning.

First of all, what is the value of the vehicle? Are we talking about a 1981 Cordoba with four hundred thousand miles and a real bad cough? Does it make sense to spend sixty bucks on a car that you can replace for fifty? And why take an hour to fix it if it can be done in ten minutes? After putting four hundred thousand miles on this unit, you really don’t owe it any more of your time. And why repair the mirror back to original quality? It just makes the rest of the vehicle look bad.

There’s no sense in having the repair job last longer than the equipment. So instead of criticizing your man for slapping the mirror back on with duct tape, why don’t you compliment him on his brain power? After all, he now has fifty minutes to kill and an extra sixty bucks in his pocket.

A
s we men get older, it gets more and more difficult to attract women. We lose our physique and our hair. We wear glasses and hearing aids. And we forget what we were saying in mid-sentence. It eventually gets so bad, our only hope of attracting a
member of the opposite sex is to make sure we smell good and then sit near a woman with a big nose.

A
ssert yourself. Show confidence. Nobody wants to hire a wuss. Arrive late for the interview and try to look a little rough. Don’t give the false impression that you’ll be getting up early to groom yourself before coming to work. Once you’re in the boss’s office, show you’re interested in the job by asking important questions. How much does it pay? When can you take holidays? Does anybody check on you when you phone in sick? Are there any better jobs available at other companies? How often can you get a raise? How much severance will you get when you’re fired? How many relatives and friends are covered by the medical plan? Which office supplies is it okay to steal? What’s in it for me?

If by some chance you are not hired for the job, start legal action. So far, incompetents are still a minority in this country and are therefore protected by the Canadian Human Rights Act. Another thing you have going for you is that you have no idea how to do the job and thereby qualify for a government-assisted training plan. If you are competent, knowledgeable, and experienced, you’re out of luck.

Once you’ve got the job, try to fit in and get along with your new co-workers. Remember, everybody enjoys it when you make a joke about the size of their belly. Always bear in mind that you’re the new person, so don’t tell everybody how to do their jobs until the second day. But don’t be too laid back either. Get your co-workers’ respect by forming a union. If they already have a union, form another one—one with a militia. Sit at the end of
the table in the cafeteria, open your lunch box, and pull out a really expensive sandwich, like roast beef or shrimp or anything on a kaiser. Be sociable. Ask your co-workers what they are eating. Ask to try some.

Show an interest in your co-workers. Question them about what they do, what it pays, and how a person would go about getting their job—theoretically, of course.

Be a team player: get on the winning team and let them carry you.

The hardest trick is to believe in yourself. You’re no better and no worse than the people you’re working with, and there’s no reason for them to treat you any differently than they treat each other. Keep that in mind in everything you say and do and they’ll never know this is your first job. Even though you’re in your mid-forties.