The Green Red Green (25 page)

Keep cold drinks and chocolate bars in the trunk and you have your very own portable drive-in slide theatre.

(If you are ever pulled over by the police, be sure to tell them that this was all your idea).

I
was at my accountant’s recently, and he was telling me that when a husband (or wife) passes on, there’s no tax to be paid as long as he leaves his entire estate to his spouse. Then when that surviving spouse passes on, all taxes become due and payable. Suddenly a light bulb went off in my head. If the surviving spouse remarries immediately and then leaves everything to the new spouse, the tax benefits continue. And if that new person is a lot younger than the surviving spouse, the benefits go on for a long, long time. Now I know why you often see an old guy with a really young second wife. That ain’t no lady—that’s a tax shelter.

I
sometimes find it amazing that we all have such differing opinions about each other. I think it’s because we pay so much attention to ourselves. We look in the mirror a lot, think about things, and try to figure out problems. We often listen much more intently to what we have to say on a subject, because we consider our comments to be the highlight of any conversation. We are very familiar with ourselves physically, mentally, and spiritually, so we become the yardstick by which we judge the world around us. When we say someone is smart or attractive, we really mean “by comparison.” For example, I think Regis Philbin is a pretty smart guy, but would Albert Einstein have felt the same way about him? Of course, the corollary to this theory is that you’re going to be judged the same way. You will seem smart only to people who are dumber than you, and you will seem attractive only to people who are uglier than you. You might want to keep that in mind when you’re looking for friends or soulmates. Of
course, occasionally you see an exception—in my case, you find an ugly guy married to a beautiful woman—but that’s not science, that’s love. Or martyrdom.

I
thought I’d end this book with one last word to all you middle-aged guys out there who, for one reason or another, have abandoned your dreams. Maybe you dreamed of being an astronaut and ended up a space cadet. Maybe you dreamed of being an award-winning statesman and ended up a ward of the state. Maybe you dreamed of being an Amway salesman and you are.

Whatever the disappointment, at this time in our lives we shouldn’t be bitter. Maybe we set our goals too high. Personally, I wanted to set the world land speed record in a rocket car that I designed, engineered, and built. But in retrospect, my dream was a bit of a long shot. Especially after I dropped out of junior high.

As we head into the last half of our lives, we should still be ambitious, but we need more realistic dreams. Like vowing to go to your grave with at least one of your own teeth. Or doing something nice for someone every day, even if it’s just refraining from telling them what you’re thinking. I’ll follow my dreams no matter how old or worn out I get. Even if I end up in a wheelchair. In fact, I’m designing one with a rocket engine.

H
ERE ARE SOME OF THE MANY INTERESTING AND ENTERTAINING THINGS YOU WILL FIND IN THE NEXT RED GREEN BOOK
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Anchor Canada | 978-0-385-66775-3 | $19.95