The Heart (30 page)

Dr. Foster

Darkness.

Dr. Foster

Darkness.

Dr. Foster

I stared at the stethoscope on the pillow next to me, continually alternating the flashlight button on and off my iPhone to illuminate the etched words on the metal.

Dr. Foster

Dr. Foster

Dr. Foster

My eyes burned with unshed tears as I continued to ignore the knock at my door.

“Rose,” I heard Jack call out to me as he began to pound louder on the door. “I’m not leaving until I see you.”

I pulled myself up to sit and stared at my door like the enemy it was. I could feel Jack’s unease grow as his voice hit near hysterics.

“Open the goddamned door!”

I walked over to the door, and thinking better of it, quickly back to the bed, stuffing the stethoscope back inside of the bag and shoving it in my dresser. I turned my bedroom light on as I walked over and unlocked it as Jack jerked it open. “I’ve been calling you nonstop for two fucking hours! I went back to the center and Dallas told me you fainted. What the hell is going on?”

I’d never seen Jack so angry. I stared at him, at a loss of what to say. I knew he deserved the truth, and I was about to take the coward’s way out. Looking at him now, I didn’t have the strength to relive it. Not then, anyway.

“I’m sorry. I fell asleep.”

“And it didn’t occur to you to even wonder where I went?”

“I thought,” I said as my voice grew weak, “I thought I scared you away.”

Jack stood in my doorway as I made my way back to my bed, grabbed a pillow, and held it protectively in front of me. He sighed, scrubbing his face with his hand.

“I’m sorry I got a little irritated, but I just didn’t understand where it was coming from. Then it dawned on me. I know why you want me to stop riding.”

“You do?” I said, slightly relieved. If he knew then I was better off.

“The accident,” he said with a little doubt. “You’re a doctor. I’m sure you’ve seen all kinds of shit I couldn’t imagine.”

“Oh,” I said as I looked down at my pillow. “Yeah.”

“That’s not it,” Jack said as a statement. “Rose, I will do whatever you want me to, but you have to let me in. I’m afraid I can’t keep up completely clueless. I’ve been in the dark long enough.”

“Jack, look, I have about thirty interviews to conduct tomorrow,” I stated as his jaw tightened.

“So, what? You’re going to kick me out?” he asked incredulously. He gripped my arm, walked me over to the door, and opened it. It took me a minute to realize what he wanted me to see. A brand new Chevy graced the driveway, and I sank against him, feeling incredibly guilty.

“I don’t ever want to see that look on your face again if I can help it.”

“Jack,” I said, turning to hold him tightly to me. Silent tears fell as he cradled me in his arms.

“Please, just talk to me.”

“I’m sorry,” I rasped out hoarsely as I looked up at him. I pulled out of his arms and saw his whole demeanor stiffen.

“Don’t you dare.”

“I’ve got too much going on right now. If you can give me some time.”

“No,” he said in protest. “Tell me what the hell is going on.”

“I don’t want to be in a relationship right now!”

“Lie,” he snapped as he took a step forward.

“I told you I wasn’t capable.”

“Lie,” he said as his unforgiving eyes pierced me.

“I just need to be on my own for a while,” I finished in an attempt to hold my ground.

“Another fucking lie!”

“You really don’t handle rejection well,” I snapped. “This is what I want. I’m asking you to respect that. I’m asking you to back the hell off!”

I saw the blows hit him with every word I spoke and wanted to do nothing short of cut out my tongue.

“Jack, I’m sorry. Please, just give me some space. Today completely wrecked me, okay. That’s the truth.”

He took a long defeated look at me and without a word walked out the door.

I woke up and tried to muster encouraging words to get me out of bed. I told Jack it was a ritual I did for motivation, but in truth, it was a ritual I’d started a few months after Grant died when I’d been forced into my new reality. The words had come to me naturally, and I’d made it a daily habit. That morning nothing would come. I’d made a decision I regretted.

I searched my phone in vain for my usual morning greeting from Jack but knew better. I’d blindsided him. He deserved an explanation and I knew I owed it to him. I would give him the answers he deserved and soon, but I had a day ahead of me I couldn’t get out of, and I decided not to chance any more emotional upset until the day had concluded.

Reluctant but unwilling to let my sister down, I showered, dressed, and was the first to arrive at the center. Dallas walked in with an easy smile and the actress in me rose to the occasion as we spent a grueling day in interviews. Nothing about it was easy, though I made it seem so. And as the day wound down, I’d even had Dallas convinced that I was much better than the previous day when the truth was, I was splintered. I spent the short drive home thinking of my time with Jack and how happy he made me. My asking for space had been a kneejerk reaction.

I pulled up to my house, all too eager to let him know as much when I saw Jack’s truck. I didn’t want to fight. I wanted to fall into rhythm with him again. I’d gotten myself to the point where I could admit he made me happy, and I was nowhere near ready to give that up. I got out of the car and expected to find him on the porch when I heard his voice sound behind me.

“You’re in my head, my thoughts, you’ve completely invaded me, whether you wanted to or not.”

I turned to see a disheveled Jack, a bottle of whiskey in his hand—
our
bottle. He looked over the water and waited.

“I don’t understand what you want,” I lied.

“What I want...” He grinned menacingly as a sinking feeling hit me.

“What do I want?” he asked as he took a step forward. I had pushed too hard and now he was spoiling for a fight. “I want your breaths, your minutes, your movements, and to be included in your memories. I want to be the man you run to. I want to be significant. I want you. It’s that simple.

“I fell in love with a beautiful woman. Looks aside, she makes me feel whole and happy. She can turn a shitty day into one worth remembering. She fills me up to the brink. She makes me laugh, and, well, looking at her... it makes my chest ache. And when I kiss her and she kisses me back—really kisses me—I’m convinced no woman will ever kiss me with as much behind it.” He scrutinized me, and I felt my hesitance begin to break him piece by piece.

“Jack,” I started, reeling from his words. He loved me. I felt the lump in my throat build and dissolve as I moved toward him, but he stepped away.

“Your hesitation tells me all I need to know. I don’t want your half-assed love, and I sure as hell can’t compete with whoever the hell it is I’m competing with.”

A large piece of me cracked at the way his cruel words were delivered. “That’s not fair...”

“To who? To me, to him, or to you?”

“Stop it!”

“I’m afraid I can’t. I’m afraid I’ve pretty much cemented this idea of you and me in my head. But, hey, look, no hard feelings. I’m dedicating this bottle to you, and as soon as I take the last drink, I’ll let you go. I’ve obviously misplaced my affection and for that, I apologize.” I watched him take a hearty drink and wipe his mouth with the back of his hand.

Without giving me a chance, he looked up at me with a sneer. “So let me guess...some guy did a number on you, promised the moon and stars but didn’t deliver, and you’re still holding out that he will.”

He looked at me with wary eyes, and though my chest ached to tell him the truth, I couldn’t get the words to pass my lips. Jack’s mind was made up, that much was evident, and when his expression turned dark and expectant, I felt myself go livid with his attitude as truth and explanation died on my tongue.

“Yeah, Jack, you nailed it. I’m jilted and bitter.” I crossed my arms over my chest for false protection.

“Hmph,” he said, staring at the label on his bottle, “thought so.”

“You’re piss drunk. Let me call you a cab.”

“No, baby, I’m pissed
and
drunk.”

I had to tell him.

“Jack, look at me.”

“I can’t. Looking at you hurts,” he said with a hoarse voice. “It always hurt. I just didn’t know if it would be a good hurt or bad hurt, until now.”

“I never meant to –”

“Well, you did!” Anger rolled off him as he finally faced me, gray eyes blazing. Remorse and deep sadness crossed his features as he struggled with his pain. “And I asked for it.”

The dire need to end his battle raced through me as I watched him. “Jack, what can I say?”

He tilted the bottle up and finished the last of it before turning it over and emptying a few drops on the grass. It was a spiteful move on his part. His eyes penetrated mine as the one word he spoke ripped a piece of me in half. “Nothing.”

Letting my emotions get the best of me, I took a step forward, tore the empty bottle from his hand, and threw it down hard, shattering it on the gravel between us.

“Real fucking mature, Jack. Your bottle is finished and so are we? Just leave,” I said as a tear rolled down my cheek.

I could feel the contempt rolling off him. “You
know
what I want.”

“I explained this to you. Look, some things have happened and I’m not capable
right
now. But it doesn’t mean—”

“Of what exactly? I’m not asking you for anything but to acknowledge
me
,
us
, this
relationship
. It’s not much, Rose. Just tell me...I can see you’re in love but with
who
? I mean, I don’t see anyone else here. Exactly who am I competing with? He sure as hell hasn’t been around the last three goddamn months!”

“Don’t do this, Jack.”

“You’ve never, not once, invited me into your home or your bed. Am I simply entertainment for you?”

“You know that’s not true.” I fisted my hands at my sides as he tore into me.

“I’ve played nice with you because I wanted to, because I wanted you, but just what in the hell are
you
playing at?”

“Nothing!”

“I just want to know what’s in your heart, Rose. Jesus, just fucking tell me!”

“PAIN! OKAY! PAIN and... fear! The worst pain you can imagine and fear that I will never, ever, get over it no matter how hard I mask it.” I looked down at the ground, afraid to meet his eyes. “And even with all these jagged pieces he left... you, you’re here, too.” I pounded my chest with my closed hand. “And you don’t fit, or you weren’t supposed to, but somehow you’re making all those pieces smoother and easier to carry around. I can’t love you both and be fair to either of you. I have no idea how to do it.”

A long silence followed as he studied me. I did my best to keep from looking at him, hurt coursing through my every limb.

“He’s dead,” Jack concluded as I snapped my head up to meet his gaze head on with a slow, small nod. Tears streamed down my face one by one, and I wiped them away quickly. Jack took a step back as shock covered features studied me.

“Jesus, Rose... I’m sorry.” He stayed where he was as he stood looking at me like they all did when they found out. I hated that look. I never wanted to see it on Jack’s face.

“When?”

“Almost three years ago.” Tears I didn’t bother to catch poured freely now that I’d confessed all. “He died a week before our wedding. This house—” I pointed behind me “—was supposed to be ours. We fell in love on this land, and it belonged to him.” Jack stood motionless, watching me. “Every day I live in what was
supposed
to be our life. So don’t credit me for being a strong woman who moved on with her life because every night I’m cowering in that fucking house, afraid to let go, afraid if I move on too far, I’ll forget him. And between the fear of forgetting him and wanting to give you the biggest part of me, I don’t know what to do. I didn’t want to fall in love again, Jack. Doing that somehow feels like I’m diminishing his memory or what we had, and I can’t...do that to him.” I braced myself as I told him the rest. “His name was Grant...” I watched him closely. “Foster.” He physically flinched when he put it all together. “I didn’t want you to know, Jack, and I wanted to keep it that way, just for a while longer.”

“I thought he was a family friend,” Jack said incredulously. “Jesus,” he said, swiping his hand down his face, his jaw set. “Why?”

“Because,” I said, taking a step forward as he took one back. I flinched as the pain spread throughout my chest. “For the first time since he died, I had a personal relationship that had nothing to do with him, and I wanted to keep it that way. I’m sorry.”

“So I was what? A way for you to test the waters?”

“More than that, damn you... Jack, stop it! You know how I feel. You’ve known. You’re the only man I’ve been with since he died. We don’t get a goddamn handbook, you know. I’m winging it here.”

We stood facing each other, every piece of each other bared to the other, and though I felt a small amount of relief in Jack knowing, it was also tearing me apart. It was ruining what we had, and I could feel the imminent loss of us.