The Heart Series: Complete Boxed Set (103 page)

“You’re wrong, Dad, contrary to what you think, there was a part of me that always sought your approval. You’re my dad, the one guy who was supposed to love me. And to think that you were ashamed of me, well, that hurt more than you’ll ever know. But when something like this happens it makes you question everything. When I laid there on the ground, a small part of me wanted to give up. It would have been far easier to let go and not have to put up with the day to day battle of being accepted by people.”

“Don’t talk like that, son,” he pleaded, his eyes glazed over at my words.

“Why? It’s true, even you turned away, repulsed by the idea your own son wasn’t normal.”

He frowned. “I know, and it’s something I’ll regret for the rest of my life, but you must never give into these people. You have to live your life how you want. God only knows I didn’t, always seeking the approval of my dad, and where did it get me? Absolute nowhere. He has never shown me any praise my entire life. Nothing has ever been good enough, and yet I always had this drive inside me to gain his acceptance.”

“I guess the apple didn’t fall far from the tree then,” I added, he had acted the exact same with me.

His eyes dropped down in disgust. “I know and I’m ashamed of my actions, but I’m here to say that I want to change. I want to make amends for all the time I wasn’t there, just please let me show you I have changed.”

“I don’t know, Dad. I don’t think I can deal with the disappointment again. There’s only so much I can take.”

He grabbed my hand and squeezed it tight. “Please, just give me this one chance, and I’ll prove to you,” he begged.

I stared deep into his eyes, ones that were filled with so much hope for me to say yes. I thought about all the hurt and the pain he had caused me with his actions over the years, and a part of me wanted to be cruel, to tell him no. That he’d missed the boat, that it had sailed so long ago, but there was something inside that was telling me to give him a chance to try. Everyone deserved a second chance, even him, but it would be the only one I would grant him. Anymore and I would just cut him off again and accept that it wasn’t meant to be.

“Okay,” I murmured.

“Thank you.” He surprised me by leaning over and slowly encasing me in a hug. I could barely move, but I sighed, feeling the warmth in just that one action. “I love you, Elijah, never forget that, please.”

I nodded, it was all I could do. There were no words. The lump in my throat was way too big to allow anything to come out.

“Elijah, you’re awake,” my mother shrieked.

Sweet lord, my poor ears.

But the look on her face told me I had probably aged her by a hundred years. My dad moved back allowing my mum to kiss me. She pulled back and stroked my face. I flinched slightly.

“Sorry, but it’s so good to see you awake. There was a time where we were told to expect the worst, but I never believed it.”

“Why can’t I open this eye?” I was barely functioning with one eye squinting, but the other seemed like it refused to open.

“It’s because of all the bruising and swelling. It will go down. You just need time, your body took quite the battering.”

“I can tell, I can barely blink without hurting.” It hurt like hell full stop.

She frowned at the thought of me being in so much pain. “Do you need more painkillers? I can get the nurse to—”

“No! I don’t want to fall asleep again. I want to stay awake and talk to you all.” I was so over sleeping. I wanted to talk until the words no longer came. I always hated being a bystander, I liked to take charge in a conversation.

“Ahh now we know he’s on the mend,” my dad added, chuckling.

My mother smiled. “Oh yeah, my sweet little chatterbox, I always knew you were ill when you were quiet.”

The cheek!

“Thanks Mum.” I attempted to roll an eye, but it was far too impossible at the moment.

“No, I hated the silence, it always told me there was something wrong. These last four days, the silence has been excruciating. I’d have given anything for you to speak, to tease me about everything, it’s the one thing that killed me the most.” Her eyes filled up again just at the thought of it.

“I’m sorry for what I put you through,” I murmured apologetically.

“Hey, none of this was your fault,” she soothed, stroking my hair tenderly.

“But it was, I was drinking a lot, and I put myself in a dangerous position because I wasn’t thinking. I allowed him to do this to me, to hurt me, and he could have killed me. How could I have been so reckless? I’m so sorry, Mum, for all of this,” I sobbed.

“Hey, shush, you’ve been in a bad place for a while now, and I should have recognised the signs.”

I frowned at her trying to take the blame. “I hid them well. I only drank when you weren’t around. I just wanted to escape it all, but I never thought about the consequences of my actions would have on others.”

“When you’re in that dark place, son, all thoughts go out the window. Trust me I know, I’ve been there. You don’t think about others, you just protect yourself, it’s not selfish, Elijah, it’s just the way you learn to cope with it all.”

I closed my eye as I felt a tear roll down my cheek. “I just didn’t want to be here for a while so I checked out of my head. Vodka was the best way of doing that or so I thought at the time.”

Now I knew differently.

“Elijah please, no more. You don’t have to explain it. Trust us, we’ve all been there. I’m just glad that you’re back, that we have you here to make it right.” She pressed her lips against my forehead, and I felt myself begin to calm down.

“I’m so happy for this second chance. I know we have a long road ahead, but I’m in it for the long haul,” my dad added, holding my hand.

I smiled at my dad’s words as my eye began to droop. “Sorry—but I’m just so—”

“Get some sleep, we’ve probably worn you out,” my mother said, soothingly stroking my other hand.

“You won’t leave me?” I asked almost panicked, holding both their hands.

“We’ve never left you alone for a moment, and we don’t plan to do so now. Get some sleep and then we can talk some more later.”

“Well maybe forty winks would be good,” I admitted sighing, feeling myself slip under into the darkness once again.

“He was awake, and I missed it!” Brianne shrieked.

A smile tugged on my lips at her response, she was always so feisty.

“Brianne, you went home to sleep, and I didn’t want to wake you. He was only awake for a short while. When I came back in, he was talking to his dad,” my mother explained.

“Whoa, back up there and tell me everything,” B screeched.

“Well I walked in on the tail end of the conversation, but it looked like they had made up. Dave said afterwards that he had told him his true feelings and how his dad was with him and asked for Elijah to give him one more chance,” she explained.

I heard B snort. “That guy does not deserve another chance or to have a son like E. He’s too good. He should have told him to go to hell.”

My mother sighed. “Brianne please, I know you’ve seen the pain and hurt he’s caused him over the years, and you’re more than right to have your opinion, but the fact of the matter is Elijah needs him. He may not show it and appear strong, but I see the sadness in his eyes on each special occasion that his dad hasn’t been a part of. We all try to mask our hurt in our own way, but if there’s a chance that Dave can make up for the past, then I want Elijah to grab it with both hands, to have the kind of dad he’s always wanted. And now I think he might just get that. So don’t spoil it for him, I think he deserves it, don’t you?”

“He deserves the fucking world.”

“Brianne,” my mother hissed, her voice giving away her annoyance at my cousin’s constant potty mouth.

“Sorry, do you think he will wake up again, so I can talk to him?”

“He will soon, but with what his body has been through and medication he is on, he will be sleeping a lot. So try not to worry, it just means he’s on the mend. I need to pop out for an hour for work. Can you stay with him? One of the things he mentioned was he doesn’t want to be left alone.”

“I’m here for him, Auntie Pam, you can go. There’s nowhere else I want to be.” I felt her fingers entwine with mine, and she leaned over and pressed a kiss against my temple. “Wake up soon, E, we have a lot to talk about,” she whispered. We did and I wanted to, but right now I couldn’t even if I tried. I felt her nose nuzzle my ear as she began to regale all our many hilarious childhood stories. Some of the things we did made me smile. I cherished each and every one of those memories.

* * *

“Don’t frown, B, I can’t afford to pay for the Botox,” I murmured, trying to prize my eye open again.

“Oh my god, you’re finally awake.” She leapt up, tossing the magazine down and hugged me within an inch of my life.

I groaned at her eagerness. “Calm down, B, injured guy here. Sheesh. I’m in enough pain without you squeezing me half to death.”

She instantly sprang back. “Oh fuck, sorry, I just got carried away.”

“Yeah.” I chuckled then quickly stopped when the pain became too much.

“It’s so good to see you, E. I sobbed the whole journey down here. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so sick in my life. I swear if the police hadn’t arrested him, I would have been implementing my own form of corporal punishment. The bastard got off light ’cause the first thing I’d do would be to chop off his dick and shove it in his ignorant homophobic mouth.”

Yikes.

“Thanks for the visual,” I muttered.

“Then I’d burn his balls with a blow torch . . .”

“Yeah, I think I get the point. You really don’t need to go on.”

Her face closed in on mine. “I just want you to know that I’d do anything for you, if it came to it.”

“Honey, we both know you wouldn’t make it in prison.” I chuckled.

“So true, unless you were in the cell next to me.” She winked and I rolled my eyes.

“I wouldn’t last two seconds without my luxuries.” It would be a fate worse than hell to be incarcerated.

“You are spoilt that way,” she quipped, poking out her tongue.

“Hello, pot . . . kettle.”

She snorted. “True, but it’s so good to have you back. I just wanted to tell you that I know about Luke. He came to see me straight after the accident and confirmed that he was the one, but I already knew that. I guess I just took my anger out on you because I couldn’t handle the fact that the guy I was falling in love with didn’t feel the same about me. It was a bruise to my ego, you know I’ve always been the player, the one calling all the shots, but this time with Luke it was different. I loved him, and I thought he felt the same. I thought this time it was going to be the real thing I could see myself settling down with him, well, until he broke my heart.”

“I’m so sorry, B. I couldn’t believe it myself when it happened. I guess I tried to cover it up because I didn’t want to believe it. At first I thought I was reading far too much into it. You know what an overactive imagination I have. I wanted to believe that it was just me, but when he tried to kiss me the night of my party I knew I’d been right all along, and my heart broke for you knowing I would have to tell you something like that.”

She frowned at my admission. “I’m just sorry the way I handled it, but you know me by now, I don’t always see things clearly when I’m in one of my rages. I fly off the handle, and there is no reasoning with me. I should have listened to you and let you explain everything, but I just saw it as me being rejected again, like I wasn’t good enough for a guy to actually like me that much. He treated me like a queen, and I liked it. It felt good to do more than screw a guy. I loved all the attention he paid me, it felt like something more was happening, and for the first time in ages, I couldn’t wait to see where it was heading. It was just my luck that it hit the skids, and the fact he harboured feelings for you all along, well that speaks volumes for me,” she said sadly.

“He did really like you, B,” I added.

“Jeez thanks.”

“I’m not telling you to make you feel worse, he did but he was covering for all the feelings inside. I should know, I went through it. You remember when I made out with Katie that time, trying to be manly and felt zilch. But I knew early on that I couldn’t live the lie and pretend I was really into girls when it was so apparent to me that I was attracted to the guys around me. Ollie was like Luke, it took them a while to come to terms with who they were. The thing with Luke was he should never have started something with you. If he knew that he had feelings for me, he should have ended it and come clean. I hate that he was such a coward in breaking your heart and then destroying the one relationship I had with Ollie that truly meant something.”

“I’m so sorry about Ollie.” She squeezed my hand lightly.

“Do you know if he’s been to see me?”

She smiled softly but her eyes gave her away. “No, I told him what happened and he was upset, but he hasn’t showed face here yet.”

“Oh,” was all I could get out. Maybe somethings weren’t meant to be.

“Hey, he’s a fool to walk away from you like that. Do you really want to be with someone that gives up that easily?”

“But I was beginning to fall for him.” I sighed.

“Oh E.”

“I know, now I have a broken body to go with my heart.” I was just completely broken in every sense.

“We’ll soon get you back to your full strength. You’ll be dancing again, and we’ll go out for some wild nights together. Men, who needs them?” she promised.

“I wish that were true. But I’m up for any kind of partying. It turns out drinking alone is not so much fun,” I added somberly.

“I know that feeling.”

“So does this mean you’re coming back for good? B and E back together like old times?” I asked feeling hopeful she’d say yes.

She bit her lip, and I knew her reply before she had even opened her mouth. “No E, I like it in Newcastle. The job is so much better. I have more freedom. And well, I’m friends with a guy, and it might have the potential to go somewhere.”

“What? Spill.”

She grinned at my response. “I met him at the gym a couple of weeks back, we got chatting, and well, you know me.”

“Yeah, a shameless flirt. Go on.”

“Whatever.” She tutted, acting like it wasn’t true.

“You know it’s true.”

“Do you want me to continue with this story or not?” she ranted.

“Fine, carry on.” I signalled with my hand.

“Well, I was on the treadmill pounding away trying to get these thighs down a size after practically eating my body weight in Ben & Jerry’s the week before, and he was running beside me. At first I was in my own little world, lost in my music, but then I caught sight of him and I lost my balance.”

“Whoa, swept you off your feet, huh?” I snorted just at the very thought of it.

“Not really, just me being a perv and a clumsy bitch, but sheesh, if you had seen him you would have fallen too.” She grinned.

“So what happened next?”

“He hit the stop button and rescued me. I cut my knee falling so he got one of the gym guys to administer some first aid, but my eyes were on him the whole time.”

“So have things progressed from there?” I asked intrigued.

“Not really. We’re gym buddies, but I saw him on a night out where I was kind of drunk and I spilled my guts. I expected to scare him off, but he was there at the gym a couple of days later. I got the impression he was waiting for me, and he pulled me aside and regaled what I had said to him. So I’m stood there completely mortified wanting the ground to just swallow me up, and then he said the sweetest thing, that he liked me and that when I was ready he would like to date me. But he wouldn’t want to take it further while I was still in my getting over Luke phase. He told me that he didn’t want to be my rebound, so for now we’re just friends.”

My eyes widened in surprise. “Wow, he is totally in to you. You need to move on from Luke. You shouldn’t waste another minute thinking about that arsehole.”

“It’s easier said than done, E, but every day I feel a little stronger. I’m just sorry you got caught up in the fallout and that he hurt you in the process. I knew in my heart that you would never do that to me. You’ve been there for me all my life, E, and this one time I walked away from you. I’ll never forgive myself for that.” Her eyes glazed over, and I could see how truly sorry she was.

“Hey, it’s fine.” I grabbed her hand and stroked it soothingly.

She shook her head. “It’s not, but I’ll never doubt you again. You are the one person I talked to about everything, and I have missed that so much. I think I’ve been in mourning losing our friendship. I’ve felt so alone without you. I guess you don’t realise how much someone means to you till they are gone. When I got the call that you were in the hospital, in an induced coma because of the pounding you took to your head, my world ended. I don’t even know how I got here. I grabbed a bag and just ran to the station. I don’t even remember the journey. I think I prayed the entire time, and you know me, E, I’m not someone that prays easily, but I did this time. I prayed hard that you’d come through this, and you have. I just thank god you did—”

“Hey, I’m fine.” I smiled trying to appease her.

But it wasn’t enough to get rid of her frown. “But what if you hadn’t? What if he had caused permanent damage, and I’d have never made this right?”

“Well we have to be thankful I’m okay, and I’ll slowly get back to my brilliant old self.” I winked.

“Modest as always.” She chuckled.

“That’s me.”

“Never change, E, I want you like this forever. When we’re old and on our zimmerframes I want you to tell me that my make-up is caked into my wrinkles and my lipstick is on my teeth and my wig isn’t on straight.”

“Oh trust me, I will.”

“You were always honest to the core, maybe sometimes a little too much,” she teased.

“You know me.”

“Well speaking of honest, I heard your dad was in earlier and that you and he are getting on. I never thought I’d see the day.” Even B still looked completely surprised by it all.

“Trust me neither did I, but he’s like a changed man. I heard my mother having a go at him when they thought I was out of it,” I confessed.

“Oh eavesdropping, I love it.” She winked her approval.

“I know, right? Normally they’ve always hid their discussions from me, so it was nice to hear everything out in the open for a change.”

“And what happened?”

“Well she gave him a rollicking about never being there, and he admitted she was right and that he has been stubborn in letting me go without a fight. But he wants to change to have a father son relationship with me again.” I still couldn’t believe the turnabout with my dad, but if he was willing to give it a go then so was I.

“Are you okay with that? He’s hurt you so much in the past, are you okay giving him another chance?” B asked looking concerned.

“Yeah, I think so. This beating has showed me life’s too short. If I hadn’t been found—”

“E, don’t even say those words.” Her eyes filled up again.

“But it’s true. If I had died then I would have left behind so much unresolved business. It’s an eye opener to me and I don’t want to live with all this bitterness, if he’s willing to put the effort in then so am I, but we’ll have to see. At the moment I’m a little sceptical.”