The Heartbreak Cafe (14 page)

But when?
When was the right time? All along she’d just assumed that she’d
know when it was time; that suddenly a light would go on or
something. She sighed, wondering if there was something wrong with
her, if she was one of those women who had some sort of
psychological aversion to children. But no, of course that wasn’t
it, she loved babies, had enjoyed playing with dolls as a child,
and remembered pleading at length with her parents for a brother or
a sister, a ready-made playmate for her as an only
child.

She
grabbed her computer keyboard and pulled it closer. Bringing up
Google, she started surfing the web, clicking onto Mamas &
Papas and other various baby-related sites in the hope that she
would get the warm and fuzzies from looking at all paraphernalia,
but nope, nothing.

Feeling
deflated she checked her email and saw a message from Net-a-Porter
advertising a Betsey Johnson sale. Immediately, her attention
perked up and she rushed to click on it.

And
something dawned on her. Betsey Johnson? Wasn’t she a little past
polka-dots and flouncy skirts? But that was partly the problem
wasn’t it? she realised now; she was thirty-five but still felt
only twenty-five.

And
whatever about being past wearing younger clothes, she realised,
her heart quickening, wasn’t she also fast approaching being past
optimum fertility age? Clicking onto a medical site, she began
pulling up information on pregnancy, recalling how panicky Emer had
been in the early days about not immediately falling pregnant.
‘Maybe I’ve left it too late,’ her friend used to worry, and at the
time Jess had brushed her comments aside, as Emer could be a
worrier at the best of times.

But now
the more she read, the more concerned Jess became. At thirty-five,
it seemed she was more liable to have a ‘high risk’ pregnancy, and
the chances of her not getting pregnant at all were higher than
she’d originally thought. Her fertility had been declining since
she was at least thirty, and the amount of alcohol she’d been
knocking back for the last couple of decades or so probably
wouldn’t have helped either …

Jess’s
brow furrowed. What if she’d been spending so much time
concentrating on her career, travelling around the world and
enjoying life that her chance to have a baby had passed her
by?

Feeling
very worried now, she reached out to pick up the phone. Ticking
biological clock or not, she was just about ready to call Brian and
demand he meet her at home to knock her up when suddenly the phone
rang.

‘
Jess Armstrong,’ she answered distractedly.

‘
Jess? Hi, it’s Emer, is this a good time?’

She felt
her pulse pick up a little. Why was Emer calling her at work? She
never did that; especially when she knew first-hand how crazy
things often were here at the office, and for the last few years
they’d only communicated in the evenings at home when they had time
to chat.

‘
Of course, how are you?’ she said easily, careful not to
betray her surprise.

‘
Are you sure? Because when you picked up the phone there you
sounded a bit stressed.’

What
could Jess say? I just had this mad notion to rush home and get
impregnated? ‘No, no, it’s just been a bit of a crazy morning, but
nothing I can’t handle.’ She hoped.

Emer was
silent for a bit before she spoke again. ‘Well um … I just wanted
to call and apologise for what happened at the weekend. It was bad
of me to exclude you, I know that, but it wasn’t my intention to
hurt you; I honestly just thought it wouldn’t be your
scene.’

Ah, so
she’s been talking to Deirdre, Jess realised immediately. But never
one to hold a grudge, her voice lightened and she smiled. ‘Hey, no
need to apologise. I don’t mind admitting that I was a bit taken
aback at the time but look, it’s all forgotten about now and I
understand.’

‘
No, no, it still wasn’t right and I really am sorry. I talked
to Deirdre and well, we both agree that maybe we’ve been a bit too
caught up in baby stuff lately. We should do something together,
just the three of us, you know, maybe a girlie night out or
something.’

‘
Emer, honestly; there’s no need.’ Now Jess was mortified that
Emer and Deirdre were feeling obligated into spending time with her
out of guilt.

‘
But there is. You and I haven’t really been out together since
Amy was born, and I know Deirdre would jump at the chance to get
dressed up and go clubbing.’

Again
Jess couldn’t help but wonder if they thought clubbing was what she
did all the time; again, a twenty-five year old trapped in a
thirty-five-year old body.

‘
Maybe just dinner somewhere would be nice? Not sure that I’m
really able for clubbing these days,’ she joked.

‘
OK, well how about Deirdre and I come up to Dublin the weekend
after next – it’s really the soonest that I could arrange it,
especially if I stay overnight and –’

‘
Don’t be silly, I can come to Lakeview. After all, it’s much
easier for me to stay overnight there than for you two to trek all
the way up here. If Deirdre’s up for it, should we try and do it at
the weekend?’

‘
Oh,’ Emer replied, sounding a bit miffed, and Jess worried if
in her haste to dismiss the girls’ coming to Dublin, she’d somehow
offended her, rather than make things easier, as was her intention.
What was going on with her and Emer these days that she felt like
she was walking on eggshells around her?

‘
Well, you can come here if you’d like but I just thought it
might be easier to arrange a babysitter?’ she explained
quickly.

‘
I suppose,’ Emer agreed. ‘Friday night would be best, I think
– not sure if himself has to work late or not, but if so, I’ll get
the girl down the street. I’ll check with Deirdre and if she’s on
for it, then great.’

‘
Brilliant, let me know and if you’re both good to go, then
I’ll drive down on Friday night. Is there anywhere nice in Lakeview
we could go? I saw a nice Italian place I liked the look of last
time I was there.’

‘
Yeah Casa Rosa. It’s only cheap and cheerful though – will
that be OK for you?’

‘
Of course.’ Again Jess wondered if her friends really did
think she did nothing but eat haute cuisine, quaff champagne and
buy shoes.

But as
their conversation continued, catching up about other goings-on and
news about mutual friends, Emer’s tone seemed to soften a little
and Jess felt relieved that the earlier awkwardness seemed to have
passed. And after a good chat over cheap wine and nice food this
weekend, surely everything would be just like old times
again?

Later in
the week as she was getting ready for work, Jess watched Brian pack
for his latest business trip. He was catching a flight to London
and would be gone for most of the week including the weekend. If
she hadn’t made plans with the girls, she would have been spending
another weekend alone, Jess reflected glumly.

However,
that was neither here nor there, because she was heading to
Lakeview on Friday afternoon and would spend the night at Emer’s.
She studied her handsome husband as he collected his
things.

Although
he knew she was upset about the girls’ excluding her, she hadn’t
yet confided her recent worries about her fertility and definitely
didn’t want to admit that the other day she’d been on the verge of
ringing him for a quickie! Thinking about it now, there would have
been little point anyway as she was on the pill.

Jess
wondered what he’d say if she sprang such an idea on him,
particular after the drama with her friends as of late. She knew he
was a logical thinker and would no doubt again try to tell her that
her imagination was running away with her, and likely suggest that
the notion was rooted in fear of the distance growing between her
and her friends.

However,
as she’d recently learned, they both needed to remind themselves
that she wasn’t getting any younger, and really if they waited any
longer, there was a chance she might not be able to fall pregnant
at all.

She
pushed all these thoughts aside when Brian came up behind her and
put his arms around her.

‘
You’re looking particularly gorgeous today,’ he said nibbling
her ear. ‘Is that presentation happening this morning?’

Jess
nodded. ‘Thanks – kind of important to look fresh and energetic
when you’re presenting an energy drink, isn’t it?’

‘
You know, I’m tempted to skip this bloody trip and stay home
with you instead. I hate leaving you again so soon after
Singapore.’

She
turned around and kissed him. He really was the most amazing man,
she thought, and would no doubt be a spectacular father. She
studied his face for a moment.

‘
What are you looking so serious about?’ he asked
softly.

‘
Oh nothing, I’m just thinking about how much I’ll miss
you.’

‘
Me too. Anyway, at least it’s only a few days this time.
Besides, you’re going out with the girls at the weekend and after a
few glasses of wine, the three of ye will have forgotten all about
your husbands,’ he teased.

Jess
laughed. ‘Too right.’

‘
Well, as long as they don’t spend the night boring you tears
with baby-talk you should be fine,’ he added, and Jess was glad he
wasn’t able to read her mind.

Because
she was now beginning to wonder if baby-talk would bore her that
much after all.

The
following Friday afternoon, Jess left work early to beat the
traffic and arrived in Lakeview around six o’clock.

When Emer
answered the door, she smiled broadly and pulled Jess into a tight
embrace. None of the earlier drama was mentioned, and Jess realised
for sure that she’d worried for nothing and everything was back to
normal.

‘
Is Dave here?’ she asked, going through to the living
room.

‘
No, he ended up having a late meeting today, but will be back
later to let the babysitter go early. Poor thing has been working
twice as hard since Amy was born, but I try not to complain too
much, after all, he’s not only pulling the weight of two, but three
now.’ She laughed. ‘The babysitter arrived just before you and we
were trying to get Amy down. I’ll just pop back up to make sure
she’s OK and then we’ll have a glass while we wait for Deirdre,
OK?’

‘
Of course,’ Jess agreed and while Emer was upstairs she
wandered over to the fireplace and studied the pictures on the
mantelpiece. She remembered her friends’ old place back in Dublin
which had been littered with various snaps of Emer and Dave
together on nights out, their travels and the wedding. Now, except
for a small one of the big day, it looked like all those pictures
had been tidied away and replaced with baby pictures – Amy as a
newborn, with her first tooth and various other milestones. Jess
wondered if this was what she and Brian would do if they had a
child; replace all the memories they made before the baby, with
memories the baby would make for them?

Emer
returned to living room with a bottle of wine and two glasses.
‘Jess, I’m so glad we were all able to do this on such short
notice. You’re a gem by the way for coming all the way down here
for us.’

‘
Not a problem at all. Glad to do it and much easier for me to
stay overnight.’

‘
Brian away again?’ her friend queried and Jess thought she
heard a slight edge in her tone.

‘
Yes, all the travelling is driving him mad lately but then
again…it’s what he does.’ She laughed lightly.

Emer
nodded sat back on the sofa, clearly relishing the first glass of
wine she’d had in ages. Jess was pleased to see her friend relax,
and she could sense last week’s tension literally melt away as they
got comfortable discussing what they’d been up to in the meantime.
They chatted easily about going’s-on at Piccolo; Emer asking loads
of questions about the latest campaign and seeming genuinely
interested in all that was going on in Jess’s life.

It felt
so normal, back to the way it had always been, and Jess chastised
herself internally over her silliness in believing there was a gap
growing between them.

Deirdre
arrived about forty minutes later, dressed up to the nines and full
of beans. As all three women were wearing heels, they decided to
call a cab to drive them the short distance from Emer’s house on
the edge of Lakeview down to Main Street, where the restaurant was
located.

When they
arrived, the friendly owner of Casa Rosa led them to a cosy corner
table before bringing them a large carafe of white wine.

The
conversation remained lively and Emer and Deirdre asked Jess
endless questions about how things were in Dublin, what restaurants
she and Brian had been frequenting, and where their next holiday
would be.

‘
Well, we’re thinking maybe Borneo. Brian loves Malaysia and
we’ve been pretty much everywhere else,’ she joked. ‘There’s a
beautiful resort way out in the jungle, a sort of hideaway retreat
Brian says.’

‘
Sounds like heaven,’ Deirdre gushed. ‘The retreat part
especially. What I wouldn’t give to be able to hide away like that
and have my every whim catered for.’