The Heartbreak Cafe (34 page)

‘
And do I get a say at all in the matter? Do I get a say in
anything?’

‘
What do you mean?’

‘
You should know exactly what I mean, Jess. These days, I feel
like I don’t know you anymore. Our whole marriage has been built on
trust and mutual respect, but lately you have been crazy,
absolutely crazy. The whole obsession with this baby thing, and
now….’ he threw his hands up in frustration. ‘I mean, announcing
such ‘news’ the way you did in front of the whole
world.’

‘
Look I know that was out of order and I said I was
sorry…’

‘
Don’t you understand? A while ago you were calling me
self-centred and superficial! You just want it every way don’t
you?’

‘
Brian please…’

‘
No Jess, seriously!’ He held a hand up to stop her. ‘I don’t
know what to do for you, I really don’t.’

‘
But I don’t know what you mean! All I want is for you to love
me –’

‘
I’m trying, but I have to be frank, you are making it very
hard at the moment,’ he interjected his tone hard, and Jess’s
breath caught in her throat.

‘
I’m sorry Brian, really I am. I love you and I just wanted
what was best for us.’

‘
Best for us? You think all this was best for us?’ Brian now
echoed what she’d just been thinking. ‘You know I wanted children
too, but I truly felt we should do it on our terms, instead of on
your stupid friends’ terms. Why the competition?’

Now Jess
felt tears run down her face. ‘I honestly can’t explain it. I just
felt so… left out, like we were being left out …’

‘
Well, you should be proud of yourself then, because now we’re
just like everyone else, with the same problems the rest of them
have. Have you ever even opened your eyes to Dave and Emer? The two
of them are always sniping at each other these days. Or are you
just seeing the bull that Emer wants you to see?’

Jess
wanted to agree with everything that he was saying, because it was
exactly the same thing she’d been thinking, but she found herself
unable to speak.

‘
Look Jess, I don’t want to upset you, not while you
are…pregnant.’ He seemed to struggle with the word. ‘You should
rest and …I have some work to do.’ He collected his clothes and
left the room.

Jess
could not nothing but remain motionless on the bed, listening to
his footsteps echo down the stairs and away from her.

When much
later at around three am, she woke up in the darkness and reached
her arm out to Brian’s side of the bed, hoping he would pull her
close and welcome her into an embrace. Exploring the area she
opened her eyes tentatively, allowing them a moment to adjust. He
wasn’t there.

Jess felt
her chest tighten. He hadn’t come to bed last night? Why not? And
more to the point, where had he slept instead?

Slowly
getting out of bed, she went out of the bedroom and tiptoed
downstairs. The house was in full darkness and she felt her heart
sink as she realised that Brian didn’t simply doze off at his desk
while working or something.

She
passed the study. All the lights were off and the computer was shut
down.

Jess
headed for the next door down the hallway and opened it silently.
The room was dark, but she could hear him breathing heavily, the
way he did when he was sleeping. She stood back, unable to believe
that he had purposely slept in the guest room. She tried to tell
herself that perhaps he had done it out of consideration, so that
he wouldn’t wake her when he came upstairs, but she couldn’t force
herself to believe the lie.

She knew
better and what’s more he had never done that before. He never
hesitated to come up after working late and slide into bed next to
her, giving her a good night kiss whether she was fast asleep or
awake.

This was
something different. Since her big announcement, he didn’t want to
be around her.

Jess
shook her head as she remembered her behaviour of the past few
months; it was almost as if she had been possessed, that someone
else had been controlling her mind, someone with a crazy baby
obsession.

She
wished she could have seen things the same way Brian had; that they
should wait till the time was right, wait for them to both be on
the same page. But instead she’d just ploughed ahead; and in the
process had purposely driven a wedge between them. And for what?
Just so she could have something in common with her
friends?

Overcome
by so much emotion and regret at that moment, she almost collapsed
onto the floor. She couldn’t believe that this was all her doing,
that everything had been fine until that day at Emer’s house, the
day after her birthday.

Who had
she become? This wasn’t like her.

Jess
shook her head as if trying to throw off the fog that she’d been
living under for the last few months. Why hadn’t she seen it
before? Did she really think that she was cut out for motherhood?
What had she done?

She
quickly went through her options, trying her utmost to stay calm
and focused, as if this was just another project that had gone
awry.

How could
she fix this? How could she set things right with Brian and their
marriage? How could she repair what she had done?

After
all, she had a variety of mistakes to clean up and really, the
question was what should she start fixing first, the current
problems in her marriage or the ensuing problems with whole ‘baby
situation’?

A million
different thoughts raced through her mind all at once. Jess really
didn’t know what to do, but glancing down at her flat belly, she
realised she would have no choice but to do something
soon.

Charlie
and Ruth wandered aimlessly through the shops in
Lakeview.

Over the
last few weeks they’d really enjoyed easing back into their
relationship, and taking the time to get used to one other all over
again.

Her
parents had been over the moon upon hearing of their rekindled
romance. ‘Oh my goodness, it’s almost like something from a movie!’
her mother declared and Ruth and Charlie exchanged an amused
glance.

‘
If so, it’s possibly my best role to date,’ she joked,
laughing happily.

‘
So does this mean Charlie’s going back to LA with you?’ she
asked.

Ollie
shook Charlie’s hand. ‘I hope you know what you’re letting yourself
in for, mate,’ he said to him.

‘
Well there’s kind of something else to consider before we
decide that …’ Ruth began, tentatively breaking the other piece of
news.

Ollie
stared at Charlie, faintly impressed. ‘Boy, you’re a fast mover,’
he declared, and they looked so pleased that Ruth almost didn’t
want to ruin the jovial mood by telling them the truth. But she had
no choice.

‘
That eejit?’ her mother said, referring to Troy.

‘
I never knew you felt like that,’ Ruth said, faintly shocked,
‘but yes, now that you say it, he is an eejit.’

Charlie
grinned and put an arm around her. ‘He’s even more of an eejit to
let this one slip through his fingers,’ he said gently, and by the
beaming smiles coming from both parents, Ruth suspected that
although they were taken aback by this unconventional arrangement,
they weren’t unduly concerned. Their only daughter had been
surprising them for most of her life, so this was really nothing
new.

However
up to this point, regardless of all the other plans they’d been
making, very little had been said about her return to LA. She’d
talked to Chloe and her agent in the meantime and had been
purposely vague about what her plans were.

As much
as she wanted to put down roots with Charlie, she knew she still
had commitments in L.A. and would have to return soon, especially
when the show started filming again in a few weeks’ time. It was
now September, the plan had been to return to LA at the end of the
month, and she hadn’t yet made arrangements to do so, so she knew
Erik would be getting antsy. There were already a couple of missed
calls from Chloe on her mobile, and she’d been avoiding checking
her emails on purpose, for fear that they’d start putting pressure
on her to return.

Ruth was
living in denial and she knew it. Here she was practically playing
house with her old and (now new) boyfriend, almost four months
pregnant and still undecided about her future. These days Lakeview
was feeling very much like home, which for Ruth was a surprising
feeling, and she was shocked and ultimately panicked by this
notion, especially when she remembered the career she’d worked so
hard for.

Today,
she was doing a very good job of keeping those thoughts at bay, as
that afternoon, she and Charlie wandered around town, picking up
various bits and pieces in the shops. She had to admit; she was
really looking forward to going shopping for cute little things for
her baby, and knew she’d really enjoy dressing her son or daughter
up when it was born.

They were
leaving a shop hand in hand, chatting merrily and enjoying the day,
when suddenly, out of nowhere, a flashbulb went off in Ruth’s face.
It hadn’t happened in what felt like so long that she was stunned,
almost forgetting that just a few short months ago she’d had
photographers chasing her like she was Lindsay Lohan.

‘
Hey!’ Charlie yelled, shielding Ruth from the photographer who
was becoming increasingly aggressive. ‘Back off!’

The
photographer ignored him, instead, shouting in Ruth’s face. ‘Is it
true you’re knocked up?’ he said, pointing a lens at her
middle.

‘
No comment. Leave me alone,’ Ruth snapped, shielding her face
and throwing a protective hand over her bump. This guy clearly
wasn’t local, as no one from the Lakeview News would have the
nerve, or indeed the lack of manners to speak to her like
that.

‘
Whose kid is it? This guy’s or Troy Valentine’s?’

‘
Get away from her!’ Charlie grabbed Ruth’s hand and pulled her
into a nearby restaurant, shutting the photographer out.

He
ushered her inside and sat her down at a table, asking a waitress
to please get her a glass of water. ‘Are you okay,
love?’

‘
Oh no.’ She put her face in her hands. ‘It’s going to be all
over the place now. Oh no. We have to leave, we have to get out of
here!’

Charlie
clasped both of her hands in his. ‘We can go wherever you want. But
do you really think they’re going to swarm you again? It’s been
ages, maybe that’s just a random guy.’

‘
Charlie – you don’t understand, they’re going to be all over
this – especially if they think it’s Troy’s.’

He looked
pained; obviously this was something he was foreign to. ‘I’m sorry,
I … ah … I’m not sure what I should do.’

‘
Well we need to get out of here anyway. Let’s go to your house
… although no, I don’t want them knowing where you live, if they
haven’t figured it out already …’

In the
end, they managed to arrange for a taxi to pick them up, and drive
them to Ruth’s house via one of the back routes, in the hope of
avoiding being followed by the photographer.

She’d
phoned her mum to give her an advance warning, and her parents,
who’d had some experience of this type of thing over the years,
knew exactly what to do. The sight of Ollie with his hunting gun at
the end of the driveway was usually enough to put off even the most
enthusiastic newshound.

When they
got back to her place, Ruth paced the floors; she knew it was only
a matter of time before someone started calling her to confirm the
story, and asking for her comments.

She
sighed, she supposed she’d been lucky that it had taken them this
long to sniff it out. She wondered how that photographer had known,
though? He obviously worked for one of the Dublin
tabloids.

She tried
to avoid thinking about it, but her thoughts kept coming back to
Trish and her reaction to the news in the library that time. She
really didn’t want to think that way and truly hoped that her
friend wouldn’t have sold her out, not when she was just now
realising what she wanted out of life.

The rest
of the day passed slowly as Ruth, Charlie and her parents sat on
the sofa watching TV, while Ollie kept a close eye out for any
unwanted visitors. Ruth was trying her best to relax, but she could
almost feel the anxiety radiating through her body. She kept
staring at the clock, trying to figure out what time it was in L.A.
and realising that every second that passed was one second closer
to when the news broke out on some gossip blog like TMZ or Perez
Hilton.

Finally,
she could take the suspense no more. Getting up from the sofa, she
went upstairs to the small room beside her bedroom that Ollie used
as a study. Sitting down at the desk, she flipped open a laptop and
powered it up.

Charlie
appeared in the doorway. ‘What are you doing?’

‘
Just checking something.’

‘
Checking what?’

Ruth’s
mouth set in a hard line. ‘Something I haven’t looked at in
months.’

It was
true, since she’d become more comfortable back in Ireland; she
hadn’t attempted to look at any of the celebrity gossip sites or
blogs because somehow the distance made them less
relevant.