The Heartbreak Cafe (37 page)

Had she
made an even bigger mistake than she’d thought?

The
following morning, Nina was preparing to take the bus for another
errand in Dublin.

Going
downstairs, this time she couldn’t avoid her father, as it was
eight o’clock and he was in the kitchen making his usual eggs and
bacon.

‘
Morning,’ she greeted tentatively.

‘
Good morning, Nina,’ he murmured in return.

She went
to the cupboard to take out the toaster, in two minds whether to
have breakfast here or just pick up something in town to eat on the
bus on the way.

‘
Er … I’m just putting on some toast, would you like
some?’

Patrick
looked at the clock. ‘In a few minutes, when everything else is
ready.’

Nina
nodded impassively. Of course. ‘Well, I’ll just have a quick slice.
I’m going to Dublin this morning.’

‘
Permanently?’ he asked, and despite herself, Nina felt a
twinge of hurt. Was he really that eager to be rid of her? She knew
he didn’t approve of what was going on but did he have to make it
that obvious?

‘
No, not permanently, just for the day.’

‘
Hmmph,’ he grunted, his typical response.

‘
I promise you I’ll be out of your hair when Mum gets back.
Hopefully it’ll be soon – last time I talked to her she was in
Russia, but I think she’s in France now,’ she said, in an attempt
at friendly conversation.

But as
usual this was wasted on Patrick.

‘
Hmmph.’

‘
Anyway, I’m going to Dublin, just for the day. Can you get you
anything there?’

‘
From Dublin?’

No, from
bleedin’ Mars, Nina wanted to say but there was no point. She’d
been around long enough now not to let her father get to her, and
today she had enough to worry about as it was.

Taking
that as the end of the conversation, she ate her breakfast in
silence, and soon after, left the house and headed to the bus
stop.

The
journey to the centre of the city wasn’t long; only about an hour,
but to Nina it felt like ten.

She was
jaded and exhausted from thinking of what her options were with
regard to this baby. She knew she had few at this stage and the
thought of being solely responsible for a little baby terrified
her. She was sure she couldn’t do it, but as she was getting so far
along in her pregnancy she couldn’t continue to sit on these
feelings of indecision. She had to make a plan.

Which was
why she’d made an appointment to with a health board agency today,
to see if this was perhaps something she could consider. She’d
chosen this particular one because their offices opened on
Saturdays until lunchtime, and when the bus stopped in the city
centre, she caught a cab in the direction of the agency which was
on the southside. The driver regarded her sceptically when she gave
him the name of the clinic and she met his knowing gaze with a
defiant stare. Old goat, probably thinking she was some kind of
shamed, pregnant disaster.

Well,
Nina shrugged, thinking about that description –. a single mother
with no man, no real job and no permanent home – in a way she was a
disaster.

Reaching
the agency, she walked slowly up the steps, realising the
significance of what she was planning. It would be all too easy to
just turn around and go back, and not to think about any of this.
But instead, she took a deep breath and pushed open the door to be
greeted by a pleasant waiting room decorated in neutral, calming
colours.

‘
Hi,’ she said as she approached the receptionist. ‘Nina
Hughes. I have an appointment at ten.’

‘
No problem. Maura will be with you soon if you would like to
take a seat.’

Nina did
as she was told, picking up a newspaper from a selection of papers
and magazines on a nearby table. She idly flipped through the
nearest one, not really concentrating on it, but hoping that she
wouldn’t have to wait too long and this Maura would call her in
soon. Then suddenly she paused, catching sight of a picture of
Ruth.

She
flipped back to the front of the newspaper to check the date,
thinking that it must be a very recent one, as the photo was of
Ruth with Charlie. He was standing on one side of her, and reaching
out towards the lens of the camera, it looked like.

Ruth was
carrying a shopping bag and holding it up halfway between her face
and her stomach, as if she didn’t know which one to
shield.

Underneath, the caption read: ‘Breaking News: Ruth Seymour
Pregnant! Celeb-spawn of Troy Valentine?’

Oh no,
Nina thought, just when everything was going so well for Ruth. It
was such a shame as not too long ago she was talking about how
everything had been so quiet for her lately, and how much she was
enjoying the piece and quiet.

She must
be really upset by this. Taking her mobile out of her bag, she
dialled Ruth’s number, hoping her friend was holding up OK.
However, it went straight to voicemail.

She
wondered how the photographer had known to find Ruth and Charlie,
right there, outside that shop in Lakeview. It seemed so
convenient, didn’t it? Against her will, her thoughts drifted to
Trish, and given her over-interested reaction to Ruth’s news, she
wondered if she had anything to do with this. Oh, no she wouldn’t,
would she?

Nina
didn’t want to think about it too much. While she was grateful for
her friendship, particularly over the last few months, she
suspected that they each had rather different ideas about what was
acceptable. Nina prided herself on her ethics and carried with her
a great sense of responsibility. Which was why Steve’s behaviour
had hurt a million times more once she’d learned the truth about
him.

‘
Nina?’ She looked up as a woman standing beside a nearby door
called her name. She looked to be in her sixties, had a kind face
and was wearing a sharp looking suit.

‘
Yes, that’s me.’

‘
I’m Maura Lowry. Come inside.’

Nina
walked forward and shook the woman’s outstretched hand. ‘Nice to
meet you. Thanks for meeting me on such short notice.’

‘
Not at all, we completely understand that we sometimes need to
work on deadlines,’ Maura smiled. She led Nina inside to her office
and invited her to take a seat. ‘So, I hear you’re considering
adoption?’

Nina
filled Maura in on the details, making a vow to herself that she
wouldn’t cry in the process. She didn’t want to look like a crazy,
emotional pregnant woman who doubted every decision she made.
Instead, she tried to come across as businesslike as
possible.

‘
Well, all of your reasoning is quite valid, I assure you,’
Maura smiled. ‘The majority of mothers who go down this route
generally choose closed adoption.’

‘
Closed adoption?’ Nina questioned. ‘I’m not sure if I know
what that is.’

‘
Well that’s when the baby is given to the new parents right
after it’s born.’

‘
So I would never see him or her, I would never even lay eyes
on it?’

Maura
agreed, nodding. ‘Exactly.’

‘
The baby would never know about me, never know I ever
existed.’ For some reason this bothered Nina more than she’d
anticipated.

‘
Correct. Unless the new parents decide to tell their child
about you one day.’

‘
Their child?’ Nina repeated, feeling somewhat stung at the
idea that her child, the one she was sharing food and life with
right now, would never know her. She would never even lay eyes on
her son or daughter and it would be hustled away as soon as it was
born, off to its new life and new parents. She felt a sob forming
in her chest and tried to keep it in.

‘
Yes around here we like to try to use such terminology to
prepare both you, as the donor, and the new parents for the
transition. After all, most parents start to think of the foetus as
‘their child’ as soon as they become pregnant and sometimes it is
easiest for birth mothers to start thinking that way as soon as we
have a donor available for them. It also helps them create some
distance.’ She smiled pleasantly.

Create
some distance … Nina thought, the words Maura was speaking echoing
in her brain. She sighed unevenly. ‘I don’t know … I’m not really
sure if I can do this.’

‘
Nina, you are having a very normal reaction. But you did just
state several good reasons for wanting to give this baby up for
adoption. Wouldn’t you feel better if the baby went to a family who
had a mother and a father? Parents who would love and take good
care of him or her?’ Nina bit her lip. ‘I suppose.’

‘
Dear, how far along are you?’

She
shifted in her seat. ‘Almost thirty-two weeks.’

‘
Now, the last thing we’d want is for you to feel any pressure,
but the fact remains that we don’t have that much time and this is
something that needs serious consideration, for both yours and the
child’s sake.’

‘
I know.’

But all
of a sudden, Nina stood up, realising that coming here was a big
mistake. She offered Maura her hand. ‘Thanks so much for your time
and the information. I have a lot to think about and I’ll be in
touch with you.’

‘
I really hope our conversation helped.’

‘
Yes, it did.’ But not in the way you think, Nina added
silently. Now that she’d ventured down this path, the thought of
giving her baby away to strangers, and never being able to see it
again just seemed too difficult to get her head around.

Thanking
Maura again, she left the agency and made her way outside, her
thoughts all over the place. She couldn’t explain it, but as soon
as Maura had started talking about her never being able to see the
baby again, she couldn’t bear hearing any more. She didn’t know
what the hell the alternative was going to be but …

The
agency was located on a side street, so Nina had a way to walk to
the main road, hoping to hail a cab back to the centre of the city.
Then she realised that she didn’t really want to go straight back
to Lakeview; what was she going to do, spend the rest of the day
pondering over this?

She
looked around, wondering if there was a café or something nearby –
somewhere she could sit for a while and gather her thoughts.
Although ideally it would be nice to talk to someone about this,
someone with whom to thrash out what she’d learned from her visit
to the agency, so that she might be able to see things more clearly
and in a less emotional way. All of sudden she thought of Jess who
lived around this area, didn’t she? She fished in her handbag for
her mobile, deciding that she would give Jess a call and ask if she
might be free for a coffee this morning or maybe an early
lunch?

Disappointingly, Jess’s phone went straight to voicemail and
Nina’s heart sank. Oh well … she trundled along the road, deciding
to head for the nearest bus stop that would take her back into
town. Maybe she could go shopping or something, not that she had
much money for that …

She was
halfway down the street when she heard her mobile ring.

‘
Nina – hi.’ Jess said. ‘I saw your number come up – sorry I
was at the gym and have just come out of the changing room. What’s
up?’

‘
Listen, I know you’re probably busy, but it’s just I’m in
Dublin this morning and I wondered if you might like to meet for
coffee or something? No problem if not –’

‘
You’re in Dublin? Fantastic! Yes, that would be lovely. I’m
just finishing up here so let me know where you are and I’ll come
and meet you.’

‘
That would be great. I’m actually around your neck of the
woods actually – in Blackrock?’

‘
Really? What are you doing around these parts?’

‘
I was…I just had a couple of errands to run,’ Nina replied
quickly.

‘
Well that’s even better, as my gym is only a few minutes from
there. Tell you what, why don’t I meet you in the village – there’s
a nice café on the corner by the seafront – not as good as Ella’s
mind, but a great place for a catch-up.’

‘
Sounds lovely.’ Nina was delighted Jess could meet her and
felt immediately calmed by her kindness and enthusiasm.

‘
Perfect. Give me a couple of minutes to finish up here, and
then I’ll be with you in a jiffy, OK?’

Jess was
as good as her word, and as it turned out, had reached the little
café she’d mentioned even before Nina had made her own way
there.

‘
So how are things?’ Jess asked when they were settled over a
couple of coffees. ‘I haven’t seen you since the party at my place;
your bump is so much bigger now.’

‘
I know.’ Nina automatically looked towards Jess’s stomach, but
of course it was way too early for her to be showing any signs.
‘How are you feeling yourself? Any morning sickness? I’m pretty
much over it now, but I had a terrible time at the
beginning.’

Jess
looked away. ‘Nope, nothing at all. I guess I must be one of the
lucky ones!’

‘
You sure must be. And speaking of lucky, how’s Brian? I really
liked him you know, he was so lovely to me at the
party.’