The Heartbreak Cafe (40 page)

They’d
had a very enlightening conversation, and as Nina outlined the
extent of her problems and her confusion over what was to come,
Jess hoped that their chat would help her see things more clearly –
might even offer her a solution.

But now
she needed to talk to Brian, really talk to him. The news of Dave’s
affair had shocked her, and if such a thing could happen to their
friends, then it could very well happen to them too. Jess figured
that the time had come for them to be frank and completely open
with one another about what was going on.

She’d
spoken to Emer on the phone that morning; her poor friend
understandably distraught about the situation and Jess, in return
distraught that her actions had brought it to a head.

‘
I had my suspicions though,’ Emer sniffed. ‘Things have been
tough this last year, with the new baby and all, but I can’t
believe he would do something like this.’

‘
But are you absolutely sure he has done something?’ Jess
asked, wanting to play devil’s advocate. ‘It could very well have
been an innocent phone call.’

But
apparently in the end, Dave had admitted everything. ‘He said I was
too wrapped up in Amy to even notice. He said he feels like I don’t
need him anymore, that I don’t even notice him most of the time,
and it’s like he’s just there to put food on the table and money in
the bank.’

‘
That’s no excuse Emer, and don’t even think about blaming
yourself for this.’

But Jess
realised that Dave’s words were dangerously close to the ones Brian
had used in a recent conversation. ‘Jess what do you want from
me?’

She
realised now that she couldn’t fall into the same trap Emer had, of
making babies and motherhood her first priority, and sidelining her
marriage in the process.

She knew
that work-wise things had since calmed down a bit for Brian; he’d
sorted out the problems with the errant clients and seemed, while
not exactly in good form, at least more positive about where the
business was headed. She bit her lip. She just wished he could be
as positive about where they were headed. Well, she’d work on that
when he came home tonight.

Now that
Jess had stopped feeling guilty about the repercussions of what
she’d done, she was certain she could bring Brian around to her way
of thinking.

Brian was
already at home when Jess returned. After dropping Nina off in
town, she’d had a couple of errands of her own to run and it was
late in the afternoon by the time she got back to the
house.

‘
Well this is a surprise,’ she said cheerily, coming into the
kitchen where he looked to be preparing dinner. ‘I thought your
flight wasn’t in till six.’

He looked
at her, his face impassive. ‘I decided to get an earlier
one.’

She
reached forward and put her arms around him, but he returned her
hug with none of his usual enthusiasm, handling her as if she were
something fragile. He was being so careful around her these days,
which she’d interpreted as distant, but wasn’t it just as possible
that he was worried about her health? It was only natural that he’d
be concerned about the physical side of things, given her own
worries about her age.

So
perhaps she’d been fretting for nothing?

‘
Well, you deserve it!’ she said, determined to be upbeat.
‘You’ve been working so hard lately. And there was no need to make
dinner, I could have done it.’

‘
No problem.’ He shrugged and went back to the hob, where he
looked to be making pasta. ‘We’re almost good to go here – do you
want to get the cutlery organised?’

‘
Of course.’ Jess moved to the drawer, pleased that he seemed
to be on the same wavelength as she was. Clearly Brian too had got
tired of their tiptoeing around one another for the last few weeks.
He was home early, being convivial if not exactly friendly and he
was making dinner.

‘
Should I open a bottle of wine too?’ she said, going to the
fridge. ‘I know it’s early but what the hell it’s the weekend and I
think we both deserve it.’

He paused
and looked at her with furrowed brows and too late Jess realised
what he was thinking.

‘
Oh I’m sure one glass won’t be a problem,’ she said quickly,
cursing herself. ‘I know Deirdre used to have one now and again
with the boys.’

‘
Right.’ Again his expression was unreadable. ‘Whatever you
think is best.’

Worried
about what he might think of her slugging back wine, she decided to
backtrack. ‘Actually you’re right. If you fancy one go ahead and
I’ll just stick with fruit juice.’

Brian
dished up the food and they sat across from one another at the
table; Jess chatting away about the latest at work, and about
bumping into Nina. She didn’t say anything about Dave, having
promised Emer she wouldn’t, but there was a side of her that
wondered if Brian already knew.

‘
Oh, how is Nina?’

‘
Great, she was in Dublin for the day so we went for
lunch.’

‘
That’s nice,’ Brian said, idly stirring through his
pasta.

‘
Yes, she had some errands to run, things she couldn’t do in
Lakeview.’

‘
I’d imagine you can’t do too much in Lakeview actually,’ he
commented.

Jess
tried to continue steering the conversation in the direction she
wanted it to go; namely about their own situation. ‘Yes, there are
limited options there, I suppose. That’s why she was here, with the
baby coming and all.’

‘
Oh, is she thinking of moving closer to the city or
something?’ he asked. He still seemed distracted, Jess noted, but
at least the discussion was moving along the right
track.

‘
Possibly.’ Jess didn’t want to break Nina’s confidence about
the adoption idea so she came at it from another direction. ‘I feel
so sorry for her actually, having to bring up a baby on her own –
you know how I told you about her breaking up with the father and
all that?’

He gave a
vague nod.

‘
We’re so lucky by comparison. I mean, we won’t have to face
any of those problems. We’re very comfortable money-wise and have
plenty of room here and – ’

‘
Jess,’ he said, sighing softly. ‘We’ve know each other for a
long time now haven’t we?’

She
stared at him, confused. ‘What?’

‘
You and me – we’ve know each other for a long time and I’d
like to think we know each other inside out too.’

She liked
the gentle and faintly teasing way he said that; it was the kind of
way the old Brian used to talk. ‘Yes of course we do.’

‘
And you know that I’ve always loved your drive and
determination – it’s what makes you so successful in everything you
do.’

‘
OK.’ She seriously wondered where this was going.

‘
You’ve also always had an amazing imagination, again which I
love. But you also have this crazy side that gets you into some
incredible fixes.’ He smiled. ‘Remember that time you tried to get
out of spending time with that couple we met in Thailand by telling
them we were going to the zoo?’

She
grinned. ‘Yes.’

‘
And the time you pretended to those politicians who called
here that you were French and couldn’t speak English?’

‘
Of course,’ Jess laughed.

‘
So we both know that that imagination of yours can sometimes
run away with itself,’ he went on and Jess looked at him,
mystified. ‘And like I said we know each other well and have always
been one hundred percent honest with one another, haven’t
we?’

‘
Well yes of course.’ What on earth was he getting at with all
this?

‘
So can’t you just tell me the truth?’ he said
gently.

‘
About what?’

‘
About this … the whole baby thing.’ Brian put down his knife
and fork. ‘I know what’s going on.’

‘
What do you mean “you know what’s going on?”’ she repeated,
her heart thumping.

He
sighed, as if disappointed. ‘I know what you’re doing, and why you
did what you did that day at the party. I really don’t know where
you think this is going to end, but don’t you think it’s about time
you came clean with me?’

‘
I …I really don’t know what you mean.’

‘
Jess, I know that you told everyone we were trying to get
pregnant,’ he said then and her heart almost stopped. Oh no. ‘Kevin
was joking one day about how me and Dave must have been in
competition to strike first or something,’ He wrinkled his nose in
distaste. ‘At first, I didn’t have a clue what he was on about but
soon enough, the penny dropped.’

‘
Well I didn’t actually say that, Brian, they just assumed
–’

‘
Did they also just assume that you’d stopped taking the pill
without telling me?’ he said and her face flushed. ‘Because it’s
all a little coincidental, don’t you think? Jess, honestly – ’ Now
he sounded not only frustrated, but disappointed, and Jess hung her
head.

‘
I’m sorry but I had no choice,’ she interjected. ‘You wouldn’t
talk to me about it and I knew it could take ages for my body to
get back to normal, and in the meantime time was moving on so –
’

‘
OK fine. I’m not happy about being lied to, because I far as I
was concerned we didn’t do that to one another. But what about the
rest?’

She
looked up. ‘The rest?’

‘
What exactly is my role here, Jess? Am I just supposed to play
sidekick to you and all of your crazy notions?’

Crazy
notions … Was he talking about the baby? ‘Of course not – it’s
something we’ll be doing together and –’

‘
Jess, I’m going to ask you one more time. Tell me the
truth.’

She felt
tears in her eyes. ‘But I really don’t know what you
mean.’

Brian
stood up and now she saw a combination of hurt and anger in his
eyes. ‘Wow, you’ve really lost it, haven’t you? This whole thing
has you driven crazy. I must admit I never expected it, least of
all from you.’

‘
Expected what?’

‘
This! All these lies, and so much subterfuge. What the hell
has happened to you Jess? Where is my lovely, fun-loving, sane
wife?’ He pushed his chair away from the table. ‘I came back early
today in the hope that we could have a nice dinner and a good long
chat and that maybe, just maybe, you would open up to me, confess
to me how silly you’ve been and that it had all gone too far. But
you’re determined to push ahead with this, aren’t you? What’s going
to happen in a few months time, Jess? When this … baby is supposed
to arrive?’

The
disdain in his tone was almost too much to bear. ‘I …I don’t know
…’

Jess
wasn’t sure what to say, she was so terrified. He was going to
leave her, wasn’t he? He was going to give up on their marriage
like Dave had given up on Emer.

It was
too late, and despite her hopes of making things better, instead
she’d blown it.

She
should have told him the truth, should have confessed about giving
up the pill but he’d been so weird since the announcement she
didn’t want to run the risk of letting him know she’d deceived him.
But now it seemed he’d given her an opportunity to tell the truth
and she’d blown it.

Brian’s
eyes were sad. ‘I don’t know what to do with you anymore, Jess,
really I don’t. I feel completely irrelevant.’

‘
But you’re not. Of course you’re not. We’re both in this
together and I want us to be happy. I thought …I thought this would
make us happy.’

‘
Jess, we were happy before. And did it ever occur to you that
I would have been fine with children if you hadn’t jumped the gun
and made the choice for us? I thought we were an equal
partnership.’

Recalling
how close they’d always been, Jess couldn’t blame him for being
upset about how she had gone about it. But at the time she just
couldn’t see any other way.

‘
I don’t even know why I come home anymore,’ he said
wearily.

‘
What?’

‘
You heard me. I don’t even know what I am doing here. I’m a
fixture.’

‘
No,’ she said, terrified now. ‘I need you. I love
you.’

‘
I think you’ve made it perfectly clear that you need your
mummy friends a lot more than you need me. And that’s why we’re in
this situation.’

‘
Brian…’

‘
No,’ he interjected, refusing to let her speak. ‘So if it
means that much to you, I think you should go ahead with your
little plan.’

She
frowned. What was all this ‘you’ business? Wasn’t this something
they had to do together?

‘
You mean the baby?’ she asked and he nodded. She stared at
him, relieved. ‘I’m so glad to hear it…I mean I – ’

‘
I’m not finished.’

‘
OK.’ She would agree to any of his stipulations, whatever he
wanted if it meant that they could get back on track.

He took a
deep breath. ‘As I said, I think that you should go ahead with your
…baby.’ Did he hate the idea that much that he could barely say the
word? ‘Yes go ahead and make all the crazy plans you want,’ Brian
continued. ‘Just don’t expect me to be around for the
fallout.’